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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be unsure about dating a 37 y.o. virgin man

268 replies

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 20:56

I just started seeing someone with serious intentions for the first time in 5 years (single mother, no support, so no major opportunity to develop romantic relationships). Feeling a little bit out of my depth and awkward. It is an ex-colleague, we met at someone's leaving drinks and just hit it off.
We had a couple of dates so far, and had a very nice quick lunch today too (while my children were attending their sunday classes). I really like the guy, he seems genuine, funny and sweet, only painfully shy. Today he told me that he is also a virgin - and he is 37 (I am a few years younger).
AIBU to be a bit alarmed by this? I cannot put my finger on what exactly is bothering me, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I feel. Or am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 02/10/2019 14:02

I am sitting here now trying to dig through all previous conversations / exchanges to see if there were any red flags, but it does not look like there were. Or I was feeling so lonely and unloved that I subconsciously chose to ignore them. Feels a bit weird, like I cannot even trust myself to make any good choices at the moment. Confused

OP posts:
Loughers · 02/10/2019 14:07

@Ohbuggerlugs who said "Much prefer a virgin than a slag!"

The double standards on this site are astounding.

This is merely the worst of several examples of misandry in this thread - most posted as "humorous".

Some of you ladies need to take a long hard look at the beams in your eyes.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/10/2019 14:17

And just so you don't take his last comments to heart...
IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM.

TimeForNewStart · 02/10/2019 14:18

Well I would disagree, I would say you make perfectly fine choices - as evidenced by your realising that there was something not right about this guy - enough to be posting on here about him.

Crystal87 · 02/10/2019 14:42

No. I'd assume there were deep rooted issues and would risk wasting my time and getting hurt.

Dongdingdong · 02/10/2019 14:52

sorry for not bringing good news, but I don't think it is going any further. I tried discussing sex very gently today (in the context of the trip plans, which we still did not make properly), and he suddenly got very defensive and even verbally aggressive, and accused me of behaving like a princess despite having been "around the block" myself, with the children to show for it.

Ugh. I think you've had a lucky escape OP!

CripsSandwiches · 02/10/2019 15:35

The virginity issue is a red herring and probably because he's so shy. If the shyness bothers you that's the real issue. If I liked him and had hit it off I'd much rather have a shy guy than an arrogant prick.

CripsSandwiches · 02/10/2019 15:35

Oops missed the update. Maybe not then.

GladAllOver · 02/10/2019 16:01

That's rather sad. He's obviously very defensive and you may have missed out on a potential relationship.
Could you not try again with sex firmly off the cards for a while?

Rezie · 02/10/2019 16:04

I guess we know why he is a virgin. What a terrible thing to say. I'm guess his virginity is such an issue to him that he projects to other people. Better that you know now and not waste time. You can do better.

Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 02/10/2019 16:10

Could you not try again with sex firmly off the cards for a while?
Not with this guy, no. He made it pretty clear that he was with me as he thought I would be "easy" as a single mother with no personal life for a couple of years, and it turned out that I had expectations or opinions. Completely unwarranted, I actually tried to tell him that I am totally ok with any pace and that there is no pressure on him whatsoever.
There was a lot of wisdom on this thread, however, I just hope it is useful for someone else.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 02/10/2019 16:10

I've just started reading this thread and was about to say that in my experience, I'm in my 50's men who are virgins or don't have a lot of sex put Women into categories.

While you might be on a pedestal one day, you'll be knocked into the gutter the next.

WildRosie · 02/10/2019 16:12

Ponoka, what sort of categories ? I'm intrigued !

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 16:13

he suddenly got very defensive and even verbally aggressive, and accused me of behaving like a princess despite having been "around the block" myself, with the children to show for it.

His virginity status is pretty irrelevant here. Whether he is as pure as the driven slush or has shagged his way across 7 continents, for the cloven hoof to have popped out so early on as regards his attitude to women who have ** had sex is not a good sign.

CantstandmLMs · 02/10/2019 16:18

I read through this thread and was hoping for a happy ending (for lack of a better phrase 😬) but I'm so glad this red flag popped up before you did the deed. He sounds very defensive and lacking in confidence and is taking it out on you. You don't need that!

GladAllOver · 02/10/2019 16:19

Thanks for your reply OP. In that case you are right to call it off.
I hope you have better luck next time.

Ponoka7 · 02/10/2019 16:38

WildRosie
"Ponoka, what sort of categories ? I'm intrigued !"

They'll fixate on one Woman, who they can't possibly approach because she's not like other women, she's special.

Then they'll see women as, fuck material (even if just porn), good enough to spend time with and then the ultimate Wifey/take home to mother.

All other women, because we aren't equal people to men and just exsist, are tolerated, are irrelevant and often, pointless.

Women have value depending on their usefulness to men.

They're deep down Women haters. As said, with very dodgy views on Women.

HillRunner · 02/10/2019 16:46

you may have missed out on a potential relationship

Yeah... with a guy who thinks that the fact she has had sex before makes her somehow defective/flawed.

When someone tells you who they are, listen to them. And this man has announced his misogyny by accusing her of having "been around the block". Ignoring stuff like this does not end up well for women.

FizzyGreenWater · 02/10/2019 17:11

I am sitting here now trying to dig through all previous conversations / exchanges to see if there were any red flags, but it does not look like there were. Or I was feeling so lonely and unloved that I subconsciously chose to ignore them. Feels a bit weird, like I cannot even trust myself to make any good choices at the moment.

OP I wouldn't be too hard on yourself! Red flags sometimes don't show instantly - the cleverer/more borderline normal blokes can easily take a while to show their true colours.

You did the right things by taking it fairly slowly, being open and upfront and kind... but then BINNING at the first sign of nonsense.

Seriously, there isn't much else you can do! The only wrong move to make is ignoring warning signs when they are clearly there - you didn't.

Dongdingdong · 02/10/2019 17:19

Could you not try again with sex firmly off the cards for a while?

Seriously? Hmm

HillRunner · 02/10/2019 17:24

Ah... come now, dongdingdong, it's hardly fair to expect a man to be non-misogynist ALL of the time, even when sex is on the cards!

Surely accusing the OP of having 'been around the block' is a forgivable slip up?

HillRunner · 02/10/2019 17:24

^ This was sarcasm, in case it's not obvious!

64sNewName · 02/10/2019 17:47

You did the right things by taking it fairly slowly, being open and upfront and kind... but then BINNING at the first sign of nonsense.

Agree with this. You’ve handled it really well. Nothing wrong with your instincts.

I know what it’s like trying to meet people as a single parent of little kids - it isn’t easy, but please don’t let this bloke knock you off your stride. Wishing you luck from the other side (having been in the same position and now happy with lovely kind DP)

BarbariansMum · 02/10/2019 18:23

Another one here who thinks you handled it just fine OP I'm sorry he wasn't who you thought he was but glad you've found out early on.

DisappearingGirl · 02/10/2019 20:10

Oh dear, well nothing to do with the virginity issue but that's shite!

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