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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be unsure about dating a 37 y.o. virgin man

268 replies

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 20:56

I just started seeing someone with serious intentions for the first time in 5 years (single mother, no support, so no major opportunity to develop romantic relationships). Feeling a little bit out of my depth and awkward. It is an ex-colleague, we met at someone's leaving drinks and just hit it off.
We had a couple of dates so far, and had a very nice quick lunch today too (while my children were attending their sunday classes). I really like the guy, he seems genuine, funny and sweet, only painfully shy. Today he told me that he is also a virgin - and he is 37 (I am a few years younger).
AIBU to be a bit alarmed by this? I cannot put my finger on what exactly is bothering me, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I feel. Or am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 21:32

Did he explain why?
No, but my bet is that it is just extreme shyness around women. We happen to have a common very-rare-and-identifying Grin hobby, and obviously the same profession, so that massively helped with the moments of awkward silence in the beginning.
There are no other obvious clues. He's well adjusted, has a good career, does not live with his mum, and seems to be generally well-liked.

OP posts:
BarbariansMum · 29/09/2019 21:34

I can see why you're surprised but would it really be any different if he'd had a ons 10 years ago?

MyKingdomForACaramel · 29/09/2019 21:34

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Glad you’re being honest. I’d i think it’s big deal unless there’s a good reason behind it

Alice913 · 29/09/2019 21:35

It must have been nerve racking for him to tell you. I’m guessing he was warning you that he has zero experience so not to expect mind blowing sex. I’d definitely be happy dating a guy like that.

MissConductUS · 29/09/2019 21:36

You are over thinking this. He sounds sweet. Go and have a lovely time.

Bellaboo91 · 29/09/2019 21:36

My FIL was a virgin until he was 35, when he met MIL, she is the only person he’s ever been with. It’s sweet and he says he was waiting for the right one and he hadn’t met anyone before 35.
They have 6 children now haha

Mummybares · 29/09/2019 21:37

Id be put off because i dont want to have that burden of losing virginity on me. I also dont relate to waitibg beyond 25 to have sex. I understand why it might happen but i dont relate to it. Maybe you are scared of his expectatiins as you eluded to being rusty?

Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 21:38

@DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult
Thanks - this actually resonates with me. It is probably not the lack of sexual experience that bothers me, but rather the lack of close relationships / non-sexual intimacy.

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 29/09/2019 21:38

I married a 33 year old virgin, as was I. Personally, to me , it was a good thing.

BarbariansMum · 29/09/2019 21:39

What would be a good reason @MyKingdomForACaramel? Been in a coma for 20 years? Just left the priesthood? Recently finished a life sentence?

caringcarer · 29/09/2019 21:41

Just wait and see how it goes.

TheDarkPassenger · 29/09/2019 21:43

My issue would be that I wouldn’t want to take his virginity and have that on me. I’ve got quite a bit of sexual experience (lol!) and if I’m honest I prefer someone who knows what they’re doing down there.

It sounds like myself and you are very different so I don’t see any reason for you not to go for it!

Rachelle11 · 29/09/2019 21:44

Hmmm... I see why it's given you pause. I personally would be concerned he hasn't had a long term relationship. Also if I'm honest the lack of sexual experience would be hard for two reasons. One, I'd feel a huge responsibility if they had been waiting for the right woman. Am i the right woman? Two, and I realize people will think this is awful, but good sex is important to me. Maybe he'd be amazing, but I would guess there'd be a leaning curve.

overnightangel · 29/09/2019 21:45

Some judginess on here like, would love to see the grief a bloke would get for posting about being unsure about persuing a relationship with a woman because she was a virgin. He has no reason to justify himself.
If you like him OP it doesn’t matter, go for it.

Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 21:46

Maybe you are scared of his expectatiins as you eluded to being rusty?
Errrr... also true. I have a very average post-two-babies-with-a-sedentary-job body, I probably would feel more comfortable with someone who has an idea of how diverse female bodies can be when spandex drops (i.e. not used to a porn star standard only).

OP posts:
limitedscreentime · 29/09/2019 21:48

I have a friend who was the man in this scenario, now happily married. He is just a nice guy who is very unassuming and I suppose would never make the first move (think it's more about not wanting to put pressure on than fear of rejection). I'd say give him a chance, he might just be an undiscovered good guy!

category12 · 29/09/2019 21:50

I'd think there was something wrong with him, tbh.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/09/2019 21:52

Did he explain why?
Would you expect a woman tojistofy her decision to not have sex yet with a male date?

OP just give it a go. You get on well, have stuff in common, it's a night away not a wedding.

Oneborneverydecade · 29/09/2019 21:58

I'm my limited experience inexperienced men are more likely to be forgiving as they can't believe their luck

HappySonHappyMum · 29/09/2019 21:59

Don't you think that its amazing that he trusts you enough and cares about you enough to share with you hat he's a virgin? That can't be an easy thing for a 37 y/o to admit especially one who's painfully shy. He clearly cares deeply for you if he is willing to be rejected for his honesty.

Binforky · 29/09/2019 22:01

My ex was a virgin when we met. I had only had one partner before him and I found it really difficult as he had learnt everything from porn. He was shocked at my body and had odd views about women. That may have been because he's an abusive prick but some of it was what he had learnt from porn and lack of social skills.

Roussette · 29/09/2019 22:02

Ummm... going against the grain here, it would put me off (just being honest).

I have experience and if I were looking to date, I would like to meet someone similar to me who had had experience sexually too.

I have actually dated (a long time ago, pre marriage) someone who had zilch experience of a woman physically and it was a godawful experience for me (won't go into details, too awful).

Italiangreyhound · 29/09/2019 22:04

is he/was he religious? I know lots of people who had the ideal to stay virgins until marriage.

Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 22:05

I’m guessing he was warning you that he has zero experience so not to expect mind blowing sex
Yes, precisely with this subtext.

OP posts:
agentnully · 29/09/2019 22:05

I'd give him a chance, too, as I have a friend in his 40's who is still a virgin. He's never had the confidence to approach a woman which is a shame as I've known him decades and he's a good bloke.

The only thing I'd think twice at is planning a night in a hotel. I think I'd rather let things happen naturally than put pressure on you both like this.

Maybe you could book another room so there's less pressure? A few drinks could see you both relax enough to enjoy sharing a room but it'll be hard if either of you gets cold feet.