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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be unsure about dating a 37 y.o. virgin man

268 replies

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 20:56

I just started seeing someone with serious intentions for the first time in 5 years (single mother, no support, so no major opportunity to develop romantic relationships). Feeling a little bit out of my depth and awkward. It is an ex-colleague, we met at someone's leaving drinks and just hit it off.
We had a couple of dates so far, and had a very nice quick lunch today too (while my children were attending their sunday classes). I really like the guy, he seems genuine, funny and sweet, only painfully shy. Today he told me that he is also a virgin - and he is 37 (I am a few years younger).
AIBU to be a bit alarmed by this? I cannot put my finger on what exactly is bothering me, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I feel. Or am I overthinking this?

OP posts:

0DimSumMum0 · 30/09/2019 07:13

Another one voting to give him a chance! It's extremely difficult to meet people these days especially when you are shy. He probably has just never had the opportunity just like you have not had the chance to meet anyone in the last 5 years. Enjoy it!!!

tmh88 · 30/09/2019 07:16

I wouldn’t be too concerned! I have a male friend that’s still a virgin and it’s not that there is anything wrong with him, it’s just he now that he’s in his late 20s keeps putting it off through nerves, he wishes he got it over and done with as a teen so he didn’t feel so insecure about it, so I think it’s nice he’s felt comfortable enough to tell you!

FixTheBone · 30/09/2019 07:21

FFS.

The initial replies asking him what his 'reason' is.

Maybe he just doesn't want to sleep with anyone he can, at every opportunity.

Nicolastuffedone · 30/09/2019 07:31

It wouldn’t be for me, I’m afraid. I’d find it strange that a 37 year old had never had a relationship before...

Roussette · 30/09/2019 07:32

If he's 'never had the opportunity' at 37yo, there will be something wrong and there are probably deep seated hang ups. This may sound harsh but it's not like he's 25, he's nearly 40!

dayswithaY · 30/09/2019 07:42

Red flag for me too. It's the fact that he has got this far without forming a close relationship and now he's keen to start one with you. There's just so much he has no idea about and if I was you, I'd prefer him to get that experience with someone else. Also I'd be dying to ask him - how have you never met anyone in all these years that you could grow remotely close to? And why me, why now? It sounds like you are literally the first woman he has spoken to.

Vipersnest88 · 30/09/2019 07:46

I would find this very weird, personally. 25 maybe (although I would say that’s late for a man) but nearly 40??

As others have said, almost less about the sex and more the fact that up until the age of 37 he hasn’t been close enough to a woman to have sex. He could be a bit of a nightmare in a number of ways.

I wouldn’t say dump immediately but I would definitely want to know more about the circumstances!

Venger · 30/09/2019 07:54

It would really put me off.

I dated a 34yo virgin pre-marruage to DH. In hindsight he was too old for me anyway as I was 21yo but it was a nightmare. He had no idea on intimacy and the subtle give and take of it all, he thought intimacy equalled sex and only sex. When we did eventually have sex it was terrible, truly terrible. He had no notion of how to turn me on and even with guidance he couldn't make it enjoyable for me as he was more concerned with what he wanted, he was like a dog that had just discovered its dick so for him it was all about what he wanted. He would then pester me for sex and presumed every date would end with it, no consideration for whether I was in the mood or not and if I said I wasn't he would get huffy and say he'd waited a long time so was only trying to catch up. The sex remained terrible and he put a lot of emotional expectations onto me as his "First" and would call me The One, he got really intense about it so I ended it and this sparked several months of obsessive behaviour where he followed me around trying to change my mind by whining at me about how he would never love anyone else.

I realise that relationship is at the extreme end of things but it all boiled down to lack of understanding about relationships and lack of experience of intimacy, both sexual and non-sexual. He didn't have the knowledge of what was appropriate behaviour and was in that stage if figuring out what he did/didn't like sexually whereas I already knew what my likes/dislikes were as well as my red lines so there was an element of incompatibility when he wanted to try new things and they were on my "no fucking way" list (e.g., anal) where he would get sulky and resentful because he wanted to try it all.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 07:57

Op, it's less he's never had sex, but more has he never had a relationship? I'm assuming not. I'd be concerned about someone who reached 37 and never had a relationship that progressed to sex.

I'd worry there is a potential there he is gay, asexual, or had some other form of predominant sexual interest that wasn't mainstream or normal.

I'd also worry about how he would behave in a relationship, if he was able to manage one, as he has never done it and knocking on forty.

So yes, I see the concern here totally.

berlinbabylon · 30/09/2019 08:06

It would put me off too. I know it's shallow, but it would. The first three men I had sex with were all virgins but the oldest was 23, which is a bit different. And they'd all had some previous experience, just not got to fourth base.

Before number one I very briefly had a dalliance with a 25 year old (I was nearly 20) and then he said I was the first girl he'd kissed properly. I did go uh oh and scarper (not literally, but I didn't carry on the relationship, such as it was, and about a week later met my first "proper" boyfriend). I think in the 25 year old's case it was something to do with religion.

I think as well as the other reasons people have put there, I think there's a feeling of wanting to have someone who someone else has wanted? And if someone has got to 37 without having a woman in their lives, why has nobody else wanted him? I realise there are other reasons like an illness or having caring responsibilities, but you would know that.

WildRosie · 30/09/2019 08:47

I've read this with great interest. I too am a male virgin with no dating or relationship history. Absolutely nothing. And I'm nearly 49. I guess I'm not all that popular or just very unlucky.

I wish you and your 37 year-old the very best, OP.

NoCauseRebel · 30/09/2019 08:56

If a woman posted here that she was a virgin and was afraid to admit it to her new guy she was seeing because of his reaction, would people say “well, clearly if you’re a virgin at 37 there are some serious issues going on there,”? Or perhaps people would instead say “If he has a problem with it then he’s the arsehole and you should run a mile.”? I suspect we all know what the answer would be...

TBH, I think the older you are, the more difficult it actually is to enter into a sexual relationship, purely because of fear of attitudes like the ones on this thread. At 21 it’s perfectly normal to not have had a sexual partner before, and it’s easy to then enter into a sexual relationship, but the older you are, the more people start to question what it is about you that means you’ve never had sex before, and so the harder it is to admit to being a virgin, and therefore the harder it is to have sex at all, and so the cycle continues.

The attitudes on this thread alone are a definite indication that virginity is frowned upon and something to almost be ashamed of. Yet if he’d had 100 partners people would be telling the OP it was none of her business.

Jimjamjong · 30/09/2019 09:12

Don't overthink it, give it a go and if it works it works, if it doesn't then it doesn't, same as if he wasn't a virgin really. If he had been in long serious relationships you could wonder why the relationships failed.

Venger · 30/09/2019 09:34

Would all the “he clearly has hangups/isn’t nnnormal/must be on the autistic spectrum brigade think that it was perfectly ok to say this about a 37 year old woman who was a virgin?

If it was a woman I would think the same and, from my experience of dating an older virgin, would be put off by it for the same reasons. By mid to late 30s I would expect a certain level of physical and emotional maturity, never having had a physical relationship would make me question why that person was so far behind the norm. It would also suggest that we would be incompatible, physically and mentally, as I have reached a stage where I know what I want (and don't want) from a relationship as I've long passed the stage of figuring it out whereas this other person is just starting that journey.

WhimToo · 30/09/2019 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FishCanFly · 30/09/2019 09:41

Jesus. Would all the “he clearly has hangups/isn’t nnnormal/must be on the autistic spectrum brigade think that it was perfectly ok to say this about a 37 year old woman who was a virgin? And if not, why not?
Actually... worse things would be said about a woman. She'd be written off as "ugly" or "an insufferable bitch" that nobody has ever wanted to sleep with.

Nicolastuffedone · 30/09/2019 09:44

I would say the same if it was a woman....I’d still think it was odd!

Andysbestadventure · 30/09/2019 09:59

I'd be far more concerned about how much he could attach to you if the relationship broke down. Or how he could handle it if his sexual skills were ever criticised.

Basically you're looking at a stage one clinger if he's never learned how to be resilient over stuff like that.

Also I do find it concerning that a man has got to that age and hasn't been able to have adult relationships. He could be as nice as pie but that lack of social skill would be a hard 'no' from me.

Andysbestadventure · 30/09/2019 10:03

Yes because being a 49yr old male virgin, eith no kids, on a Mumsnet forum with the name @WildRosie is not eyebrow raising in the slightest.

Even your username gives false security to women on here that they're talking to another woman. You can't see that's a bit off?

Sugarplumfairyfartface · 30/09/2019 10:11

Mmm! I think the issue is you can't put your finger on what's bothering you but something is... This means your gut instinct is telling you something is not quite all it seems he could be lying he could be a conman he could be latching on to you because you have 2 small children and have different urges who knows you need to find out more dig deeper and be sure he is what he says he is I am sorry but I can't help thinking it so thought I would say it. Yes and the point the above is pretty valid sorry!

KurriKawari · 30/09/2019 10:11

I don't get it, if everyone is saying "no" then he will remain a lifelong virgin just because he didn't have sex in his 20s, how is he ever going to lose virginity then?
Agree with bloomburger. Go away to the conference, have a nice time, kiss him, see if it naturally leads somewhere, if not make your excuses and go to your own room.

Pepperwand · 30/09/2019 10:19

Well I can only speak from personal experience but my DH was a virgin when we met and in his 30s. He's a great guy but just says he was shy and awkward around women and had never met the right person. Personally I was flattered that he trusted me enough to tell me but it did add an element of responsibility on my shoulders. Sex wasn't great to start with but he was keen to please and to learn and it quickly became really good, in a way I really liked it that I could teach him what worked for me and we're 8 years and two DC down the road now and incredibly happy.

Reading all the comments that there must be something wrong with him is so sad. There are a lot of people out there who are a bit awkward but are lovely, genuine people with good hearts but needed a bit of a chance....I'm married to one and he's fantastic!

Why not just take things very slowly and see where you end up? There are no rules in life and if he's a good person and makes you happy then just see where things take you.

Kaddm · 30/09/2019 10:19

I think it sounds fine. I can see how a person ends up in that situation. The vast majority of people I know lost their virginity around 17-22 and I think if you miss that window, it has the potential then to become embarrassing or a “thing” and then just stays that way as the years go by.
I would run a mile if it was for religious reasons because I would not want to have my life ruled by a partner’s religion.

WhimToo · 30/09/2019 10:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KurriKawari · 30/09/2019 10:24

I didnt say it was you dumb do.

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