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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be unsure about dating a 37 y.o. virgin man

268 replies

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 20:56

I just started seeing someone with serious intentions for the first time in 5 years (single mother, no support, so no major opportunity to develop romantic relationships). Feeling a little bit out of my depth and awkward. It is an ex-colleague, we met at someone's leaving drinks and just hit it off.
We had a couple of dates so far, and had a very nice quick lunch today too (while my children were attending their sunday classes). I really like the guy, he seems genuine, funny and sweet, only painfully shy. Today he told me that he is also a virgin - and he is 37 (I am a few years younger).
AIBU to be a bit alarmed by this? I cannot put my finger on what exactly is bothering me, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I feel. Or am I overthinking this?

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 01/10/2019 15:00

On the other hand though, she has to be aware of how her actions will affect him and deal with the consequences (for both him and her) regardless of her decision in the end

What consequences? As humans we are allowed to date and relationships as we see fit. She doesn't have to shag him becuse he's a virgin ffs.

Mummyshark2019 · 01/10/2019 15:16

How lovely. Go for it. Dont rule someone out because of that.

Notthemessiah · 01/10/2019 15:24

What consequences? As humans we are allowed to date and relationships as we see fit. She doesn't have to shag him becuse he's a virgin ffs.

Believe it or not Bluntness, all of your actions have consequences whether they are done while in a relationship or not. You can't just close your eyes to hurting someone and say 'well it was in a relationship so I don't have to care'.

Nowhere did I say she had to shag him because he's a virgin - that's you putting up a strawman and deciding to argue with that.

Bluntness100 · 01/10/2019 15:25

I'm sorry you need to explain it better. But exactly what consequences does she need to deal with if she chooses to end a relationship?

Notthemessiah · 01/10/2019 15:33

"Consequences" of withdrawal from a potential relationship should be none.

She already has a relationship with this man, albeit not a serious one or a sexual one at the moment so there will be consequences of her decision either way, regardless of whether you prefer to acknowledge it or close your eyes to it.

Notthemessiah · 01/10/2019 15:42

I'm sorry you need to explain it better. But exactly what consequences does she need to deal with if she chooses to end a relationship?

Seriously? You may think that all is fair in love and war and that you can walk out of a relationship at any time without having to look back or feel bad and regardless of how it affects someone else, but I can't do that, especially if it was someone I liked and cared about otherwise.

It is absolutely OP's choice and hers alone but if this were me in this position and it turns out that the decision I made makes someone feel miserable and humiliated (and I think being turned down now would do that) then I'd not be able to avoid feeling at least a certain amount of guilt and upset myself. You're a harder person than me if you could do this and not give it a second thought.

Venger · 01/10/2019 16:04

You may think that all is fair in love and war and that you can walk out of a relationship at any time without having to look back or feel bad and regardless of how it affects someone else, but I can't do that, especially if it was someone I liked and cared about otherwise.

But you can walk out of a relationship at any time and for any reason without having to look back if that is what you so wish. I've been in a relationship with DH for 17 years and even with all that history between us, neither of us is obligated to stay in order to spare the hurt feelings of the other. We're together by choice not duty.

If it would hurt him to have the OP end the relationship, that is on him and not her. That is for him to deal with.

You asked OP what's the worst that could happen here, she has bad sex and then ends it because they're not compatible? That is not the worst that could happen. The worst - as detailed in the shared experiences of people who have been in this same sort of relationship - is that she has bad sex, he buys into it emotionally more than she does and his expectations of the relationship from that point on are vastly different to those of the OP. It then becomes a very complicated situation with the potential to end very badly.

By advocating the OP spare him hurt feelings you are advocating, consciously or unconsciously, the societal expectation that women need to tiptoe around the feelings of men in order to avoid upsetting them.

If OP wants to walk away without a backwards glance she is well within her rights to do so without being guilt tripped for it.

HillRunner · 01/10/2019 17:12

I'm astonished that people think there should be 'consequences' for choosing to walk away from a relationship, and that choosing to leave somehow makes someone for the hurt feelings of the other person.

Anyone in a relationship can choose to leave at any time. They don't need a reason, other than that they don't wish to be in the relationship any more. Yes, that may mean the other party's feelings are hurt, but that isn't the fault or responsibility of the person leaving, and they do not have to face 'consequences' as a result.

Do you think people who leave relationships should feel guilty about it for ever more?

FizzyGreenWater · 01/10/2019 17:36

An aside, but if you do ever decide to write a short story based on this situation OP, please do call it 'When The Spandex Dropped'

TimeForNewStart · 01/10/2019 19:48

The OP has been on 20 dates with this guy!!! To be honest I would be pretty pissed off he was wasting my time and he would bloody well know that by now!

Notthemessiah · 01/10/2019 19:51

Do you think people who leave relationships should feel guilty about it for ever more?

Depending on their reason for leaving, yes I absolutely do and hope it regularly preys on their mind (but to be clear, I don't think OP's situation is by any means one of those).

Again, talking in general here rather than this specific situation, but I don't think there should be consequences for walking away from a relationship - there inevitably ARE consequences, small and large for both sides (and anyone else caught up in it, like children). Whether you choose to ignore them is up to you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/10/2019 19:54

It’s unusual, but I’d rather a virgin who just hasn’t found the right woman than a man who had one night stands with incapable drunk women/sex workers
That's a really shitty opinion of Women you've expressed. You might like to check your internalised misogyny.

As Wheelson has deduced Aberhonddu, I was judging men who target vulnerable women. If women knowingly want to have drunk sex with men, that’s fine by me. If women want to be sex workers then that’s fine by me, but I don’t think it’s much of a choice for many of them.

Saying “You might like to check your internalised misogyny.” is not the sort of language that would persuade me to re-examine my approach.

HugTrees · 01/10/2019 20:01

I have a 36yr old friend who I think is a virgin, and I imagine the older she’s got the harder it is to date people with that perceived baggage. She stopped on line dating 5 years ago due to the expectation. She is lovely and I hope she starts again and finds her person.

He sounds very honest and that’s good

category12 · 01/10/2019 20:21

I find it bizarre that you talk darkly of "consequences" for leaving a relationship. If a relationship isn't working for someone, they should feel free to leave it and as long as they're not a dick about it, they don't need to feel bad and they don't take on responsibility for the other person's emotional well-being.

You go out with someone a few times, you're not feeling it, you say "sorry it's not working out" or similar - you have nothing to feel bad about. No dark and doleful "consequences". The other adult sucks it up and on you go with your lives.

Women always get expected to give men chances and take on responsibility for their emotional wellbeing in a way that totally isn't expected in the reverse. No blokes sit around telling other guys they should give that [add some disadvantage of your choice] woman a chance.

HillRunner · 01/10/2019 20:35

Depending on their reason for leaving, yes I absolutely do and hope it regularly preys on their mind

Wtaf? So a woman who leaves a man for the simple reason that she is happier without him should feel bad about that? Fuck, that is some serious misogyny going on there.

HillRunner · 01/10/2019 20:39

I dumped a guy many years ago. He didn't do anything wrong in particular while we were together, but he wasn't the one for me. After we split, he stalked me for a while in a demonstration of how much he thought he deserved to be with me, and how hard done by he was. I guess those are the sort of 'consequences' you're darkly warning of?

And you think I should feel guilty about dumping him?! Fuck that shit. His shitty reaction was down to him, and I have no reason to feel the slightest bit bad.

slashlover · 01/10/2019 20:55

I'm a 41 year old virgin, although I'm asexual so not looking for a relationship. I agree with the PP who said he may be demisexual. Also, by virgin does he just mean PIV?

DisappearingGirl · 01/10/2019 21:01

I think people might be making this into too much of a "thing". From what you've said I'm guessing he hasn't intentionally "waited" all this time - it sounds like he's normal but shy and it just hasn't happened.

Assuming he hasn't "waited", there's no reason to think he'll be distraught or turn into a stalker if you have sex but the relationship doesn't work out long-term. I'd imagine he'd probably still be glad it happened.

Next time you talk about the night away, why don't you say, let's not feel we have to rush things or put pressure on ourselves. Just go with the flow when you're away, do it if you both want to, not if you don't.

Notthemessiah · 01/10/2019 21:11

Wtaf? So a woman who leaves a man for the simple reason that she is happier without him should feel bad about that?

Or a man who leaves a woman. Yes, maybe - depends on the circumstances.

Notthemessiah · 01/10/2019 21:13

And you think I should feel guilty about dumping him?!

No - who said you should?

ShadowOnTheSun · 01/10/2019 22:26

OP, I would think like this if I'd be in your shoes. So you have a guy whom you:

Genuinely like
He's a good person
You have great conversations together (minus those first 2 dates)
Share similar interests and hobbies
Is well-educated and has a good career
You obviously find him attractive (I'd think?) and he feels likewise
Kisses/snogging are passionate and everything's going well
He obviously trusts you and values you enough to share very personal things with you
He's interesting and you have a great time together

10. He seems to be genuine, funny (so good sense of humour!) and sweet - you said so yourself. 11. ...

So to sum up, you DO like him AND from what you've said he seems to be a lovely man. Now it's obviously up to you, but are you prepared to end everything with him just because he's a virgin? Because he MIGHT have issues, MIGHT become weird, MIGHT be a 'crap shag' (after the first few times), MIGHT find your body 'not up to porn standards'? Yes, he might, but equally he might not.

Personally, the 'virginity' and even 'no relationship' thing wouldn't bother me. Both are overrated anyway, imo. You can live perfectly happily and normally without shagging left to right and without having partners, if you didn't meet the right one. It's not compulsory and some people are genuinely comfortable being alone, it doesn't scare them, and they don't feel the need to actively look for a partner or settle with someone at least half-decent just because it's a 'done thing'. That doesn't mean they're weirdos, potential stalkers or maniacs who would slash you to bits at first opportunity. Maybe you're the first woman he GENUINELY likes?

Original poster

Puzzledbyart · 02/10/2019 13:46

Hello everyone,

sorry for not bringing good news, but I don't think it is going any further. I tried discussing sex very gently today (in the context of the trip plans, which we still did not make properly), and he suddenly got very defensive and even verbally aggressive, and accused me of behaving like a princess despite having been "around the block" myself, with the children to show for it.
I totally did not see it coming and am seriously questioning now my judgment about people. I guess the spandex stays firmly on until it improves (if ever).

OP posts:

FizzyGreenWater · 02/10/2019 13:56

Oh so that's why.

Yes, bin him off.

Johnjoeseph · 02/10/2019 13:57

Gosh what an arse sorry to hear that OP. A lucky escape I would say. You deserve better

HillRunner · 02/10/2019 13:58

"around the block"?!

Lucky escape for you I think.... That shows some dodgy attitudes about women.

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