Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be unsure about dating a 37 y.o. virgin man

268 replies

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 20:56

I just started seeing someone with serious intentions for the first time in 5 years (single mother, no support, so no major opportunity to develop romantic relationships). Feeling a little bit out of my depth and awkward. It is an ex-colleague, we met at someone's leaving drinks and just hit it off.
We had a couple of dates so far, and had a very nice quick lunch today too (while my children were attending their sunday classes). I really like the guy, he seems genuine, funny and sweet, only painfully shy. Today he told me that he is also a virgin - and he is 37 (I am a few years younger).
AIBU to be a bit alarmed by this? I cannot put my finger on what exactly is bothering me, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I feel. Or am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Beaverdam · 02/10/2019 21:06

Ah please give him a chance. Maybe hes shy and unsure of himself or never had the opportunity. Its just sex.

category12 · 02/10/2019 21:12

Head desk. RTFT

StanleySteamer · 02/10/2019 21:14

He could quite simply have a very small todger and have never wanted to be ridiculed or feel he is going to somehow fail in bed. (This must happen a lot. He must feel very positive about you if this is the case and he feels he can "go" with you. I'd just urge you to be very gentle and supportive with him. And to point him very gently in the right direction. Best of luck with your time with him.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/10/2019 21:16

READ THE THREAD.
READ THE THREAD.
READ THE THREAD.
READ THE THREAD.
🙄

category12 · 02/10/2019 21:16

For those who haven't bothered to read the OP's updates - he turned out to be an arsehole.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 21:18

@Beaverdam and @StanleySteamer,

Did you both somehow miss what this prince said to OP this morning? Or do you think she should overlook it?

StanleySteamer · 02/10/2019 21:29

I personally didn't read the bit about him turning out to be an rsole.
Didn't read the whole thread by the looks of things, which is not like me as usually I am pretty good at doing so. Looks like I am not the only one!
Will now read it and comment as appropriate. but taken in the context of my having posted before (I thought) she hadn't met him, was my comment that inappropriate?

AnneKipanki · 02/10/2019 21:31

WOW. Good job you found out now .

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 21:32

Will now read it and comment as appropriate. but taken in the context of my having posted before (I thought) she hadn't met him, was my comment that inappropriate?

Yes! GrinGrin

WildRosie · 02/10/2019 21:35

Thankyou, Ponoka.

Sohololopopo · 02/10/2019 21:39

What a little fuck nut. Fuck him OP. You touched his little vile ego with an adult conversation and his Ape went crazy (chimp paradox theory). I would have stuck a knife in and twisted - though I am a BITCH.

Thank goodness! You deserve SO much more! I’ve been around the fucking UK if you’ve been around the block! Fuck him!

everyonecaneffoff · 02/10/2019 21:39

and accused me of behaving like a princess despite having been "around the block" myself, with the children to show for it.

Good grief.
Been around the block?? Haven't we all.... well him excepted of course.
He's obviously got some deep-seated issues there regarding women. You said he wasn't religious but is there maybe a religious family background that might have caused issues - or is he homosexual but hasn't had sex with a man either due to being unable to accept this.

I totally did not see it coming and am seriously questioning now my judgment about people. I guess the spandex stays firmly on until it improves (if ever).
You maybe didn't see this particular reaction coming but you did seem to think something was "off" otherwise you wouldn't have been on here asking what others thought. I don't think your judgement is off at all.

Lucky escape. He sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen.

StanleySteamer · 02/10/2019 21:52

Butchyrestingface, you are full of shit. In the context of where she was at without actually having got near to getting around to having sex with him, I am convinced my remarks were totally reasonable. Knowing what actually happened when they had the discusssion has no impact on what your my or anyone's thought were BEFORE the fateful conversation took place. Hindsight had 20:20 vision. Don't try to be clever after the fact.

OP it is still possible that his shitty reaction was a misplaced defence mechanism.

I think the guy seriously needs to see a sex therapist. You are well out of it. But is the guy simply going to continue in this way for the rest of his life? The guy needs some form of therapy. He obviously has hang-ups and for all I know he is love with his mother.
Personally I feel everyone on this planet has the right to a decent sexlife, but OBVIOUSLY without hurting anyone else in the process.

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 21:58

Butchyrestingface, you are full of shit

Says the person who couldn’t be arsed to read the thread and so told the OP to go gently and be supportive with a guy who’d just verbally abused her.

Right you are. 👍

StanleySteamer · 02/10/2019 22:22

Butchyrestingface, or is it "restingbrain", when I first posted it was after reading that she was going to discus the awaystay with the guy and BEFORE reading about the subsequent conversation which ended it all.
Are you really so hard of reading?

Butchyrestingface · 02/10/2019 22:29

Butchyrestingface, or is it "restingbrain", when I first posted it was after reading that she was going to discus the awaystay with the guy and BEFORE reading about the subsequent conversation which ended it all.

Yes, I know. I commented on it, you being the latest in a series of clowns posters who pitched and started talking mince. I gave you the benefit of the doubt of not having bothered to read the updates.

Are you really so hard of reading?

That from a poster who couldn’t be arsed to read the thread. 😂. And no doubt there were will be more along yet to tell the OP to be gentle/supportive of the bloke.

Venger · 02/10/2019 22:53

Personally I feel everyone on this planet has the right to a decent sexlife

No one has the right to a sex life and implying that sex is a right also implies that either party has rights over the body of the other. Let's not forget that until 1991 it was legal in the UK for a husband to exercise his sexual rights over his wife whether she wanted it or not.

And no doubt there were will be more along yet to tell the OP to be gentle/supportive of the bloke.

There are probably people who have read the update and will still think OP should be gentle or supportive of the man because, as per my previous post, the societal expectation is that women must tiptoe around men's feelings so as to avoid upsetting them.

StanleySteamer · 02/10/2019 23:57

Venger, (well named,) the opposite of what I said, which you disagreed with, would be to say that "no one has a right to a sex life" so that is what you mean is it?
Not even the right to wank off? On your own, doing no harm to anyone? Does having sex HAVE to cause others harm? Does it HAVE to be exploitative?
I did say "but OBVIOUSLY without hurting anyone else in the process." but of course you chose not to use this context? Why not quote accurately? Do you simply hate other people having a decent sex life that much? Or is yours crap and you wish it wasn't? It's your problem, not mine.

Venger · 03/10/2019 00:08

@StanleySteamer you alright there, Ranty?

Venger · 03/10/2019 00:10

I meant exactly what I wrote but then again only a certain type of man would believe that everyone has the right to a sex life.

Hazardd · 03/10/2019 00:51

My conclusion is your judgement is pretty fine tuned OP!

-You dated lots, no rushing, very sensible
-identified he was shy and that's not something to judge someone over so carried on dating
-he revealed a slightly unusual thing about himself and you thought hmmm and spoke to him in a very understanding and mature way

-he went TA-DAH! I'M A FUCKING KNOBHEAD

  • you successfully ran for the hills

Your only slip up is you thinking you need to question your judgement. Your fine.

MyOtherProfile · 03/10/2019 05:41

No wonder he's a virgin.

Looks like the thread got derailed anyway but OP if you come back I hope you meet a nice guy soon who doesn't turn out to be a weirdo!

pinksparkleunicorns · 03/10/2019 09:54

Oh dear. It all makes sense now Confused what an idiot he is. At least you found out now, before potentially popping his cherry

Venger · 03/10/2019 10:06

Yes, if this is his attitude now then imagine how much worse he would be after you'd had sex with him. Lucky escape, OP!

Branster · 03/10/2019 15:08

Puzzlebyart that as a lucky escape for you.
At least you’ve proven to yourself that your intuition was correct.
This man has some really unhealthy and insulting opinions about women, he probably dislikes all women very much.
I even wonder if he made up the being a virgin story thinking it might be somewhat endearing to manipulate you for sexual favours.

Swipe left for the next trending thread