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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be unsure about dating a 37 y.o. virgin man

268 replies

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 20:56

I just started seeing someone with serious intentions for the first time in 5 years (single mother, no support, so no major opportunity to develop romantic relationships). Feeling a little bit out of my depth and awkward. It is an ex-colleague, we met at someone's leaving drinks and just hit it off.
We had a couple of dates so far, and had a very nice quick lunch today too (while my children were attending their sunday classes). I really like the guy, he seems genuine, funny and sweet, only painfully shy. Today he told me that he is also a virgin - and he is 37 (I am a few years younger).
AIBU to be a bit alarmed by this? I cannot put my finger on what exactly is bothering me, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I feel. Or am I overthinking this?

OP posts:

WhimToo · 30/09/2019 10:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 30/09/2019 10:28

Would all the “he clearly has hangups/isn’t nnnormal/must be on the autistic spectrum brigade think that it was perfectly ok to say this about a 37 year old woman who was a virgin?

The answer to this is yes. There have been similar threads from women, and people respond the same way. This isn't gender related.

In today's society to reach 37 without a relationship that is sexual is highly unusual without religious/ill health/0bvious reasons,. Often it would lead one to wonder why and the reasons would seldom be positive.

SerenDippitty · 30/09/2019 10:35

He might me demisexual. Read about it here.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/love-sex/demisexuality-what-is-it-sex-orientation-emotional-relationships-physical-a7912661.html

It’s not a bad thing, don’t worry! I found it interesting.

ForalltheSaints · 30/09/2019 10:37

The lack of any relationships may be more of a red flag.

Was he religious and has lapsed?

Johnjoeseph · 30/09/2019 10:50

It's unusual there's no denying it. Personally it would be a big no-no from me. When it comes to attraction and sexual comparability, the most important thing for me is confidence, so I would find it very difficult to find someone like this sexually attractive.

Also it may not be the nice thing to say but PPs are correct, of course there are likely to be some "issues" with a man like this. I have a dear friend (a woman) and she is a virgin at 34 and as much as she is a lovely person there are definite "issues" at the root of it and she would be extremely hard work as a partner.

I just worry with two young DCs if you'd regret taking on someone who might be hard work. If you really like him and this hasn't really put you off him then give him a chance and take it slow. Perhaps he'll be wonderful and my assumptions will be completely wrong. However, don't settle OP. If you have a niggling doubt deep down but you're trying to ignore it because you want a relationship/you haven't had one in a long time etc. then I would say listen to your instincts and really think about whether you want to continue seeing this man.

Generally if something seems ok on the surface, but something feels just not quite "right" there's usually a reason.

FairiesontheSwing · 30/09/2019 11:20

I have slept with over 30 people and recently dated a 25yo (I'm a few years older) virgin for around a month. He was quite nervous and really unconfident with knowing what he was doing when pleasuring me. I could have persisted but got bored of feeling like an experiment so called it off. We are still friends though. I say go for it.

Everanewbie · 30/09/2019 11:28

Depends what you're in it for OP. If its a good shag you're after, perhaps this man is not for you. However if you're looking for a long term relationship and you really like him then you'd be foolish to let his lack of previous 'activity' get in the way. Things might be a bit awkward to start with, but I'm sure they'll pick up in time.

I don't think that any women 'owe' him a shag to lose is v card, but I feel that maybe the right woman could overlook such a small matter with the bigger picture in mind. I think looking for someone with a Goldilocks (not too little, not too much) level of sexual experience is a bit narrow minded.

bluealgaee · 30/09/2019 11:29

it should not matter what a potential partners sexual history is.
imagine if a 37 yo virgin mumsnetter asked if there was anything wrong with it the response would be no

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 30/09/2019 11:34

I'm another who'd take the suck it and see approach. Literally. You could lie on the bed in the hotel and just snog. See where you end up. It might just be as simple as that. If it isn't you should have gained some idea why.

There are lots of reasons why someone might never get round to sex - extreme shyness for one.

The only thing I'd warn is that he may have a very low sex drive. People to whom sex is really important tend to become sexually active young, IME.

WildRosie · 30/09/2019 21:20

I don't envy your position, Puzzledbyart. The advice you've received on here is somewhat polarised. I hope, for both your sakes, you can make this work. I don't believe anybody is entitled to a sex life or personal relationships but you've both got thus far, there's nothing to lose in trying.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 30/09/2019 21:50

I like what mabelonthetable said, you can use it as an opening to make you both feel comfortable and show him your also not super confident. At least you'll be able to teach him how to satisfy you

Alwaysoverthinkingit34 · 30/09/2019 22:07

I think there is a chance you are possibly dating my brother!

He is exactly how you describe and correct age.

Anyway. Don’t rule a guy out for this. My brother is so shy and that is the reason he has never found someone. He wants to settle down and have a family but the opportunity never arose bless him.

I think your maybe a bit worried about the fact he’s never had a relationship before, not just the sex part and maybe see it as a red flag? But some people are just so shy and get social anxiety that they have never been able to have a relationship before or won’t be able to until they find the right person they click with !

Hope you continue to get to know him :)

Waveysnail · 30/09/2019 22:27

My uncles was at 37 until he married my aunt. He was incredibly shy, that lovely bloke who's everyones friend. Aunt saw his lovely qualities and made all the moves. Married a year later and a new baby a year after that

Justmuddlingalong · 30/09/2019 22:35

If you have reservations, think carefully before taking the relationship further. He's waited 37 years and I'd find that too big a responsibility if it doesn't work out. You don't sound convinced. Did you only feel like that once you found out he's a virgin?

Snog · 30/09/2019 22:51

I'd be worried that he has erectile dysfunction OP

TheBeesKnee · 30/09/2019 23:01

Dealing with virgin guys at 17/20 was bad enough, I couldn't do it in my thirties! I too would wonder what was wrong with him - why has his testosterone not pushed him into experiences when he was in his prime? Not just sex, god knows it's easy though to walk through Soho and find a prostitute - but relationships! Dates! Anything!

The dark corners of my mind would wonder if his sexual tastes were perhaps not mainstream? Why you, why now? No offence. I am cynical and weary by nature though.

WildRosie · 30/09/2019 23:10

Some fair points there, BeesKnee. As I've said upthread, I state my complete absence of any emotional or sexual connection with women is down to my own lack of popularity and/or plain bad luck. But, that is no more than a soundbite or quick answer to a complex question. Even I don't really know or understand what went wrong. But, I'm at peace with how I've turned out, whether for better or worse, and I don't lose any sleep over it. Nevertheless, my situation would never be regarded as ideal and I hope our OP's man can do better for both of them.

CornishMaid1 · 30/09/2019 23:15

Give him a chance, especially if you get on well.

I was late 20s. The only reasons were that I was afraid of getting pregnant young (years of ttc had me laughing at that one) and I was so focused on getting into my career that I never dated and met a person I wanted to be with.

Best decision I ever made and it was much better than an unknowing fumble at 16. I am happily married to him!

Don't have hang ups about how he sees you. If he is shy he will probably just be feeling grateful to see a real naked woman, especially if her is as nice as he sounds. Take it a step at a time and see how it goes.

Notthemessiah · 30/09/2019 23:27

Seriously, what is the worst that can happen here? You can have awkward, rubbish sex then realise you aren't compatible and break up (so just like any other new relationship). Or you may find that in the end it's not such a big deal and all the other great things about him and the stuff you have in common outweighs the fact that he hasn't had sex or a serious relationship before.

One thing is true here - he has trusted you with something deeply personal and to now break up with him about it will be seriously painful for him, potentially something he will never get over, if he really is painfully shy and has been waiting for the right person. I know that's not fair to put on you, but it doesn't make it any less true, sorry.

Justmuddlingalong · 30/09/2019 23:31

And don't stay with him out of pity or because you're his first sexual partner. If it happens and it works out, great, but don't settle out of a sense of obligation.

dayslikethese1 · 01/10/2019 00:01

Has he had any relationships (or dates even) before?

Venger · 01/10/2019 07:28

If the OP is put off by him being a virgin she is under no obligation to "try it out" and have sex with this man, why should she sleep with him to spare his feelings about getting dumped for being a virgin?

Notthemessiah · 01/10/2019 12:49

Obviously she's under no obligation - that would be ridiculous.

On the other hand though, she has to be aware of how her actions will affect him and deal with the consequences (for both him and her) regardless of her decision in the end - that may not be fair, but that's life.

category12 · 01/10/2019 13:15

What do you mean, she has to "deal with the consequences"?! No one is obliged to pursue a relationship, and at no point do his feelings become her responsibility. "Consequences" of withdrawal from a potential relationship should be none.

HotChocolateLover · 01/10/2019 13:20

I went out with a guy just before DH. I had suspicions he was a virgin (I knew him for about a year before we got together) Turned out he’d never even snogged anyone. He was a crap shag and crap snog 😂 However, don’t rule your guy out OP.

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