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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be unsure about dating a 37 y.o. virgin man

268 replies

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 20:56

I just started seeing someone with serious intentions for the first time in 5 years (single mother, no support, so no major opportunity to develop romantic relationships). Feeling a little bit out of my depth and awkward. It is an ex-colleague, we met at someone's leaving drinks and just hit it off.
We had a couple of dates so far, and had a very nice quick lunch today too (while my children were attending their sunday classes). I really like the guy, he seems genuine, funny and sweet, only painfully shy. Today he told me that he is also a virgin - and he is 37 (I am a few years younger).
AIBU to be a bit alarmed by this? I cannot put my finger on what exactly is bothering me, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I feel. Or am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
noego · 29/09/2019 21:02

Did he elude to the reason he is a virgin?

Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 21:08

@noego
No, it was generally in the context of planning a night away for a particular date (when I will be able to arrange childcare for the night + the next morning's school run).

OP posts:
DisappearingGirl · 29/09/2019 21:09

Ah please don't rule him out. I have a couple of friends who have got together with blokes they've known for a while who they're fairly sure haven't had a girlfriend before. Relationships have worked out just fine.

On the other side I've got a friend who got together with a bloke who'd been with a lot of people in the past. Now he's a committed husband & dad.

Give him a chance if you otherwise like him! Must be nerve wracking for him.

Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 21:09

I mean, I was surprised but obviously did not interrogate him as to the reasons.

OP posts:
Upanddownandroundagain · 29/09/2019 21:10

My husband was a virgin when we got together, and he was 30. He was just shy/not confident, made no difference to us.

Butchyrestingface · 29/09/2019 21:10

Do you believe him?

tierraJ · 29/09/2019 21:11

Did he give any reasons for being a virgin eg shyness, religion etc

noego · 29/09/2019 21:13

So what is it that's bothering you? Do you think he is playacting?

Will you be sharing a room?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/09/2019 21:13

It’s unusual, but I’d rather a virgin who just hasn’t found the right woman than a man who had one night stands with incapable drunk women/sex workers. I have a friend who is probably a virgin, I don’t see that as a problem. She’s old fashioned and just hasn’t had a serious enough relationship.

Elodie2019 · 29/09/2019 21:15

Why is he a virgin? Possibly hasn't been in a serious enough relationship yet/ hasn't met anyone he'd like to sleep with.... not weird at all. There are plenty of people who don't get into bed with everyone they date.

Elodie2019 · 29/09/2019 21:16

Testing
I agree.

Butchyrestingface · 29/09/2019 21:19

It’s unusual, but I’d rather a virgin who just hasn’t found the right woman than a man who had one night stands with incapable drunk women/sex workers

For sure. All the lust for Alastair MacKenzie’s character in Borgen drained right out of me when he breezily admitted to being an occasional user of prostitutes.

Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 21:21

I do believe him, don't see any reason for him to lie about it.
Yes, the trip is planned with sex on the cards, and we will be sharing a room.
What is bothering me is that I cannot understand what I am unsure about. I am not extremely experienced myself, I had sex only with three men in my life - a school boyfriend, then a one night stand and then the exH (and now celibate for more than 5 years, so even if I had any skills, they are quite rusty by now).

OP posts:
Figgygal · 29/09/2019 21:22

Did he explain why?

ethelfleda · 29/09/2019 21:22

I dunno, I’d see it as very unthreatening and that he probably won’t be a sex pest. Give him a chance OP!

youaremysunshine · 29/09/2019 21:24

It is unusal but least you know hes not a dog...

SlightlySleepy · 29/09/2019 21:27

I'd have no problem at all. I'd much prefer that to someone with a series of one-night stands. Our culture is tainted by films etc where the cool teenagers are shagging like rabbits, which makes us feel like we're a loser if we don't have lots of sex.

Straycatstrut · 29/09/2019 21:27

My long distance friend (male) is a virgin. He's very social phobic and has a massive fear of getting girls pregnant if they have sex, no matter what the protection, does not ever want children.

Maybe something like that?

Straycatstrut · 29/09/2019 21:27

Forgot to mention said friend is early 30's.

Rezie · 29/09/2019 21:29

Is he willing to have sex? Was it that type of night away question and he was things warning about being inexperienced. Or was he giving a warning that he won't have sex at all/until marriage etc?

AreaWeReady · 29/09/2019 21:30

I don't see the issue. If this is his biggest issue, don't let it put you off. It sounds like he ticks most of your boxes and he is being honest with you. I'd give him a chance. I presume he told you because he doesn't want to rush it.

Ohbuggerlugs · 29/09/2019 21:30

Much prefer a virgin than a slag!

overnightangel · 29/09/2019 21:32

@Figgygal and @tierraJ
Why should explain to someone why he’s a virgin?Confused

MyKingdomForACaramel · 29/09/2019 21:32

It depends on what you want op, tbf I’m not sure it would be for me... everyone saying “at least he’s not a dog” Turn that around please...

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 29/09/2019 21:32

I had an ex in his mid 30s who was a virgin.

Because he hadn't been in a relationship before, all of the discovering what's acceptable in a relationship that most people do in their teens was done on me, there were massive issues with sex (years of porn use because he wasn't having sex) it was an absolute car crash. I wouldn't go out with someone who has no experience again.

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