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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be unsure about dating a 37 y.o. virgin man

268 replies

Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 20:56

I just started seeing someone with serious intentions for the first time in 5 years (single mother, no support, so no major opportunity to develop romantic relationships). Feeling a little bit out of my depth and awkward. It is an ex-colleague, we met at someone's leaving drinks and just hit it off.
We had a couple of dates so far, and had a very nice quick lunch today too (while my children were attending their sunday classes). I really like the guy, he seems genuine, funny and sweet, only painfully shy. Today he told me that he is also a virgin - and he is 37 (I am a few years younger).
AIBU to be a bit alarmed by this? I cannot put my finger on what exactly is bothering me, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I feel. Or am I overthinking this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 22:06

is he/was he religious?
No, definitely not.

OP posts:
user1573354 · 29/09/2019 22:08

It would make me uncomfortable. I can't quite put my finger on it, I suppose it would infantalize him to me. I'm not sure that it is correct to use that word in that way, so I hope it makes sense. It's standard to have sex as a teenager so it would make him seem immature to me. However, it wouldn't be a deal breaker. I would have rather he kept it to himself though tbh. I'd also worst about his shyness, how extreme is this social anxiety? Will it impact your relationship in other ways?

RubbingHimSourly · 29/09/2019 22:09

I think it's a pretty big deal that he trusts you enough to tell you........this could all be very lovely. Don't be put off by the fact he hasn't had sex, it isnt a crime to struggle with confidence. It doesn't make him a bad person, which is the most important thing

lakeswimmer · 29/09/2019 22:12

I wouldn't necessarily think it was odd; my first serious boyfriend was a virgin when I met him - he just hadn't met anyone previously who he wanted to go out with and who wanted to go out with him. He was in his twenties rather than thirties but I can see how it could happen especially if someone isn't very outgoing or isn't conventionally attractive.

blueshoes · 29/09/2019 22:12

You just have to shag him and come back and report.

Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 22:13

The only thing I'd think twice at is planning a night in a hotel. I think I'd rather let things happen naturally than put pressure on you both like this.
It is actually a conference, so each of us will have own room (it is just that we intended to stay together - that is exactly what we discussed, but there definitely will be a retreat option).
Other, more natural options are a little bit more complicated - I have two small children at home (and I am obviously not ready to introduce them yet, we've been seeing each other since mid-summer only), and it is a very rare occasion that I can stay the night away or late. Pretty much only when my mum is visiting (and it's a 5 hours flight for her, so not often). Thinking of that, I am not even sure that maintaining any kind of regular sexual relationship after this trip is logistically possible Grin

OP posts:
ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 29/09/2019 22:14

I don’t think it would bother me. I mean maybe it would give me a slight pause? But if I clicked with him before I knew then I don’t think I’d let it change anything.

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 29/09/2019 22:17

This is a slightly different scenario, but I think has some parallels: a friend of mine recently came out as gay in his thirties and started dating for the first time. All of the experimentation and figuring-out that most of us do in our teens and twenties is much harder later in life and I know that he has found it very painful at times.

I don't think you should necessarily write him off but I do think you should consider whether you like him enough to support him through what will essentially be a sort of adolescence as he learns how to have a relationship with an adult woman - both sexually and emotionally.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 29/09/2019 22:18

I'm not sure how I'd feel tbh but your gut is obviously trying to tell you something so listen to your instincts.

Branster · 29/09/2019 22:18

As your relationship is still quite new (2 dates, 1 lunch) even though you’ve known each other a long time, planning to be intimate might be a bit premature given his (lack of) experience in that department.
It’s nice he feels comfortable telling you about his situation.
Just go with the flow and see how it goes.
Do you really, really like him or is he the only reasonable chap that's easily accessible at present?
I personally wouldn’t want the responsibility and wouldn’t want to coach anyone about sex so for me it wouldn’t work but if you truly like him everything may well fall into place beautifully for you.

SirVixofVixHall · 29/09/2019 22:20

It wouldn’t bother me . Experience is not always helpful. Someone might have learnt moves that worked for a previous partner, but which you don’t like at all. Each relationship is surely a new learning process ?
You will both probably feel self-conscious and nervous, so maybe wait until you know each other better ? Or you could share a room now but leave sex for another time ?
I would give it a chance, why on earth not ? It seems mad to dismiss someone for lack of experience in something where the experience that matters is the one you have together.

Interestedwoman · 29/09/2019 22:21

I would be worried that it is because of some mental health problems or ASD that he is still a virgin at 37- Do you know? Not that that rules someone out of course, (I have severe mental health problems myself) but I would be on the look out for any signs of issues and whether they are outweighed by him being a nice guy, or if they're too much hard work to be in a relationship with him- you don't have to, you could just be his friend.

I wouldn't expect him to perform the first time necessarily- he might be nervous. A night away might put the pressure on too much. Take things slow and just get to know each other on dates and nights in etc, and let things take their course naturally. Best wishes.

Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 22:22

I'd also worst about his shyness, how extreme is this social anxiety? Will it impact your relationship in other ways?
I would not say that he has issues with social anxiety in general (i.e. when in group of people). It seems to happen more in one-to-one situations, our few first dates were really awkward and I felt like I am filling in 95% of the air time with nonsensical chit chat (and I am a massive introvert myself). I would not have continued this, had I not remembered him from the earlier times to be a very good conversationalist and have an excellent sense of humour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 22:26

As your relationship is still quite new (2 dates, 1 lunch) even though you’ve known each other a long time, planning to be intimate might be a bit premature given his (lack of) experience in that department.
Ah no, I probably was not clear enough. We've been on - well, I did not count - probably close to 20 dates now, or thereabouts. Two or three times a week, since the beginning of July. Dinners, movies, art exhibitions, concerts and simply lunches.

OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 29/09/2019 22:27

Perhaps if he can trust you with his insecurities about being a virgin, you can trust him with your fears about being out of practice and lacking body confidence. If you resolved to spend the night together repeatedly without having sex, you might both enjoy working up to it. I don’t see why it can’t be a good thing.

rosesmammy · 29/09/2019 22:29

of course yanbu to feel a bit awakened about it but i wouldn’t let it bother you if you properly like him x

MrsRufusdog789 · 29/09/2019 22:29

You will have a great chance to get to know each other better at this conference especially as you have two separate rooms .
Maybe starting off just having a lie down and a chat- building up intimacy without too much pressure on either of you .
I wouldn't rule out this man at all . My best friend was very experienced herself and married a younger man who was a virgin . Nicest and most popular man you could ever meet .
It's such a shame people suspect something must be wrong with a man because he hasn't played fast and loose .

rosesmammy · 29/09/2019 22:29

awkward not awakened* Grin

Supersimkin · 29/09/2019 22:30

Do you like him enough to put up with terrible sex for a bit?

GlitterSparkle85 · 29/09/2019 22:31

Agree with above think hes saying it to you dont expect much and if you were to do anything to maybe take that into consideration. People tend to think guys are sex mad but infact they just need a cuddle and kiss like we do too. Maybe he wants it to be just as special as you do especially if your his first patience is key!

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 29/09/2019 22:32

Sounds like you're already finding him hard work as would anyone having to do most of the talking on dates. Having read your update I can't see this going anywhere at all if he's too shy to even hold a free flowing conversation after a few dates. How on earth would you be able to get each other naked?! It sounds painful and I'm wondering why you are pursuing someone who you are having doubts about and for very good reasons. It's so easy to feel thrilled by attention when you're a single mum of young kids, especially after being single so long (been there). My advice is to have a few more dates and see if things get more relaxed but I think this one is just friend zone.

YoureAQuizardHarry · 29/09/2019 22:34

We'll surely it depends on why he's still a virgin.. if it's because he's killed all his dates before he got to the sex then yeah issues.. or if he suggests them to put the lotion on or they get the hose then run away as maybe he'll want to make a suit of skin..

However maybe he just never met the right girl? I'd be happy with that.

Sugarplumfairyfartface · 29/09/2019 22:35

You're not sure about something you don't know what, this is not something to ignore. Why are you the person he has chosen to sleep with after 37 years? Has he been in prison/hospital? It seems very odd is he telling the truth? If you are concerned about something listen to your instincts much as it could be he is just painfully shy it is highly unusual in this day and age and I would be concerned there was something else

Original poster
Puzzledbyart · 29/09/2019 22:38

Having read your update I can't see this going anywhere at all if he's too shy to even hold a free flowing conversation after a few dates.
It is ok now (very good actually), but it took a couple of meetings before he relaxed enough even to maintain eye contact.
God, I read it now and realise how awful this sounds, but it is genuinely very good now. Me being desperate for attention was definitely the main reason why I did not jump off immediately Grin

OP posts:
Interestedwoman · 29/09/2019 22:39

I did have a lover for whom I was only his second partner (he was a lot younger though.) He happened to be great- I think he was a natural! He did happen to have ASD which did put additional strains on our friendship.

I'm glad if you think he's ok and just a bit nervous with women. Best wishes.

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