AIBU to be unsure about dating a 37 y.o. virgin man

[Puzzledbyart]

I just started seeing someone with serious intentions for the first time in 5 years (single mother, no support, so no major opportunity to develop romantic relationships). Feeling a little bit out of my depth and awkward. It is an ex-colleague, we met at someone's leaving drinks and just hit it off.
We had a couple of dates so far, and had a very nice quick lunch today too (while my children were attending their sunday classes). I really like the guy, he seems genuine, funny and sweet, only painfully shy. Today he told me that he is also a virgin - and he is 37 (I am a few years younger).
AIBU to be a bit alarmed by this? I cannot put my finger on what exactly is bothering me, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I feel. Or am I overthinking this?

The virginity is a red herring. Good sex is essentially a skill which can be taught and learnt through practice and communication, and over time that side of things will improve even if it isn't great at first.

What is of greater concern is whether he is able to engage in a serious relationship with you on the level that you need. You are already a parent to two small children and in your position I would only be interested in a relationship with someone who could support and match me on a similar emotional level. I am also a parent of two small children in my thirties and although I'm not single the idea of a relationship where I would have to coach my partner through the lessons that most people learn in adolescence sounds absolutely exhausting.

We happen to have a common very-rare-and-identifying grin hobby

Cycling :-)

I would find this extremely odd in a man in his late thirties. It's just not normal.

I've got a feeling my husband was a virgin when we met. He honestly wasn't some kind of weirdo, he just had no interest in one night stands and had never been in a serious relationship due to his job and constantly moving around the world. I'd give him a chance if I were you

I think it's sad how uncomfortable this makes some people. We were all virgins once and unless everyone lost their virginity with a fellow teenager then chances are the person you first had sex with wasn't a virgin.

DH and I didn't have a lot of experience between us when we met, though neither of us were virgins. It took a bit of time to 'fall into a good rhythm' together but I'm glad we did!

I actually find the idea of relieving him of his virginity to have quite a lot of erotic potential. It could be utterly crap, especially if he is porn addled, but if not, the thought that you could leave him incoherent with newfound bliss is quite appealing I'd have a crack at it personally

A 37 yo virgin, yes, I’d have issues with that. It’s very unusual - and there’s usually a far more deep seated reason than ‘he’s shy’.

AS others have said, I’m not sure I’d want to be ‘the one’, by the time you get to 37, you’ve blown that up into a pretty massive big deal I imagine.

Plus the whole porn v reality aspect too.

A 17 yo with ‘no clue’ is one thing, a 37 yo with no clue is quite a different thing.

Relationship experience as much as sexual. And you have kids, I’d want someone who had some experience of life in the domestic lane.

I think the only thing he’ll be hoping for as a virgin will be a bit of patience first off. But if the sparks there, I’m sure after a couple of less than amazing sessions, things will be 👌🏻 Honestly, would you rather be with a player who shags everything with a pulse? No thanks. He sounds like he has integrity to me - a nice quality.

I would assume that losing his virginity would be a massive deal to him and that would probably put me off.

Given the massive drive most people have to have sex I would assume that there was something wrong with someone who hadn’t by that age.

Also, a lot of people are saying things like would you rather be with a player who shags everything with a pulse but it isn’t either/or is it? Either extreme is probably a bad thing!

It's very odd that someone gets to that age and has been unable to build a relationship with anyone. I would think there's some problem.

Initially my reaction to your post was 'oh I don't think I'd like that'

But I think it depends on the person. If he's just sure of who he is and owns it, has a great personality etc I think I could get past it. Like, he's shy and doesn't push for sex because that's just who he is and he's not trying to be something he's not, then that's ok.

YANBU to be a bit wary, as probably everyone learns things from past relationships eg balance between independence and being in each others pockets, compromise etc. But I think I'd be more worried about that than the actual sex part. If he is shy then at least you know the reason. And I'd take it as a positive he told you, actually, because some men would not want to admit it, and try and bluster through it. And there are positives. He is honest. He wont have any STIs. You can teach him about what you like as he wont have any assumptions about what a previous long term gf liked. I'm sure lots of people on here (me included) have slept with men who have had a lot of partners and it's been dreadful as I dont think they've ever actually cared about what the partner of the day / week liked.

I'd try and take it slow and see how it goes before making any decisions

@Puzzledbyart - Please give him a chance! Also let’s remember what we feel about this is often constructed by stereotypes and our culture.

I have several friends who are virgins in their 30’s and 40’s and when I worked directly with patients in the NHS met many too - it’s more common than people realize. Here are a sample of their stories (nothing identifying, obvs!)

• Cared for parent with early onset Alzheimer’s and younger sibling from teens to 30. Literally worked in admin 8 hours a day and was up most of the night caring for Mum and helping sibling with homework, really became a parent overnight.
• Was severely sexually assaulted as a child (male)
• Cancer in early 20’s and had years of treatment, some of which made sex more complicated not impossible but the type of sex you’d want a partner who understands not a one night stand or short term relationship
• Was extremely hurt by ex partners right before sex or during
• Wanting to not repeat the mistakes of parents who were abusive in relationships
• Not wanting to repeat mistakes of parents who were sexually abusive
• Never met someone where it led to that type of intimacy (very common)
• Waited for fiancé who was abstaining for religious reasons to have wedding called off
• Parents dies in accident and raised 3 younger siblings including a sibling who was a menopause baby and 12 years younger than the previous youngest
• Was away in the army and didn’t like how many abused/took advantage of women in the countries they were stationed, so decided not to have sex until it was a serious and loving relationship.
• Religion
• Volunteered A’s a Dr in rural parts of Africa for 10 years, literally saving lives for a stipend that was 1/10 of what a Dr would earn in Britain

You never know someone’s story. Someone who is a virgin could be the Dr who saved your life, the person who protects your country, cared for your elderly neighbour. You’d respect them and it sounds silly, but I they really live with so much judgement and its really dreadfully unfair considering, better to understand there’s often a backstory and it’s better to offer safe space, respect their past and then have fun together if it leads to that.

Your bf sounds like he is on the autistic spectrum. I am autistic and have only been with my dh. I would freeze up around other men and did not feel comfortable enough around anyone until I met dh, one date together and I knew that I could happily marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. I was 20 to my dh’s 25 and very naive and innocent.

I would consider asking your bf if he uses pornography. I know several autistic men who are very anti pornography and as a result would not have assumptions about sex from what they had seen in porn. It’s worthwhile discussing what his assumptions are about sex and women, then you can share what to you is normal sex, what you are comfortable with and what makes you uncomfortable. I believe this is an important conversation if you are going to be intimate with anyone. Particularly someone who has never had sex before. I would also let your bf know that you are not an expert on sex and that you yourself have not had a sexual relationship in five years. ( It’s not necessarily a bad thing, it’s fun getting to know each other in bed and discovering what you each like- it’s easy enough to give pointers too, they can only say no).

I wouldn’t immediately write off a good man because he is a virgin who could be on the autistic spectrum, you clearly really like this man or you wouldn’t have sat through several awkward dates and continued to meet for twenty dates! My experience of other autists and myself, is that we make very loyal and loving partners. I may have froze with other men but I have a deep and wonderful connection with my dh, we have a fantastic sex life and there is the added benefit of no complications from previous relationships on my side.

A 37 yo virgin, yes, I’d have issues with that. It’s very unusual - and there’s usually a far more deep seated reason than ‘he’s shy’

I agree. I've actually dated two men who were still virgins in their thirties. The first one had massive issues with intimacy, death grip from 15 years of porn use, and was a bit of a misogynist. The second one turned out to be not sexually attracted to women.

My dh has a good friend who is still a virgin, in his 40s. He’s very shy and finds women very intimidating, I think. Dh and I have been married for 12 years and I’ve known him all that time. He still struggles to look me in the eye. He would really struggle if left in the room alone with me! No idea why he’s like that, he’s just supper shy. Really nice guy though. Always been there for dh and doesn’t seem to struggle with men as much.

Is it just his virginity that is bothering you or is there something else making you unsure?
I lost my virginity at 32 - so I was quite a late starter. I was so nervous about it that I never let anyone get that far with me! So it could be something like that and I do think that people can be virgins well into their thirties and it not be for some reason that might preclude a decent relationship with them.
I just wonder if you weren't that into him and then this revelation on top is making you question everything.

How "far" have you actually got with him? What's he like when kissing? Does he kiss passionately or is it more chaste?

It makes me think of Forrest Gump.

Having to show him what to do would be a bit of a turn off for me I think.

I think you’re getting an unrealistically positive response to this.

Personally, I’d find it a massive turn-off. I remember the inexperienced fumblings of teenage boys from my past and would not find that hot in a man pushing 40.

However, if you don’t find it a turn-off, which you don’t seem to, then what’s the problem?

I was originally going to suggest ASD as an autistic person myself, but thought I'd be flamed. Then you mentioned eye contact and @Caledoniahasmyheartforever said it for me. Not that it should rule out dating him, just something to consider.

TestingTestingWonTooFree

It’s unusual, but I’d rather a virgin who just hasn’t found the right woman than a man who had one night stands with incapable drunk women/sex workers
That's a really shitty opinion of Women you've expressed. You might like to check your internalised misogyny.

@Aberhonddu I took the poster to be displaying an opinion about shitty men who would take advantage of such women rather than judging the women.

However, if you don’t find it a turn-off, which you don’t seem to, then what’s the problem?
I find it somewhat a turn-off mentally, if I am honest, in line with what a PP said - it somehow infantilises him to me (although it is definitely not a correct word, but I cannot find a better one). As if I was dating, say, a 19 years old - legally allowed, physically the attraction is there, but still feels wrong.

I was originally going to suggest ASD as an autistic person myself, but thought I'd be flamed.
I don't think it is ASD. My brother is autistic, so I know the condition quite well - I realise there's a spectrum though, so everything is possible.