AIBU holidays from hell with husband and baby

[Sophi10]

Good evening hoping to get some opinions tonight... currently on our first holiday abroad in Spain with husband and 9 month old DD. We were all very excited of this much needed break all inclusive so no cleaning or cooking for a whole week. Before booking it I made sure husband was happy with it and we discussed that it’s going to be a nice time to help me with baby as he works full time while I’m on mat leave.
Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax.

For the context DH has been very supportive during pregnancy and helps home a lot with housekeeping.
The second night he went out and got back in the room at 4am (fine by me still plenty of people out in this location). But at 8am when DD woke up he wouldn’t help me with her at all... just pretended to be sleeping after partying which he probably was as I could smell the alcohol !!
I told him that I’m ok with him out at night to chill but on day time it’s not fair on me to stay asleep till 11ish! He got mad and said I’m not reasonable...
He’s done the same for 3 nights in a row and this morning I admittedly shouted and swore at him for being useless and that this holiday is a f**g nightmare. He since ignores me and hasn’t talked to me all day. I tried to engage conversation and he said he felt insulted and I always complain and “how do all women do why are you the only one complaining?” Then went on saying awful comments about how it was wrong to have the baby with me, this was the worst part of the whole argument to me I felt extremely insulted and speechless...
It just escalated to the point where he said we are not compatible and it’s not working anymore and we should part way when back in the UK, as it’s always going to be the same.
He literally made plans saying he’ll move out from me and DD and I can decide what I do with the house, etc...
Now I know that I shouldn’t have sworn at him but it was just too much and I couldn’t take it I thought this holiday would be great for me too, DD has been fun not fussy at all. I’m doing literally all the childcare home and hoped I’d get let’s say and hour break or two a day to chill too but none of that. The only times he “helped” was when I asked him to keep her so I can take shower or go to the loo...
I’m so upset that he doesn’t realize how tired I am and how delusional he is about the fact that women can and should do it all. It’s like he’s punishing his DD by not spending time with her but AIBU to think it’s his role as a father?
AIBU to think that once you got a baby you can’t act like you’re a young single man or child free?

Thank you for reading me just needed to take this off my chest and hoping for advice on how to act for the next 2 days we got left in here and back home...

He's wrong, the tbh it's sounds like he's not enjoying being a parent and perhaps didn't realise how difficult it would be.

I would say tell him to piss off, but also with a child joe involved perhaps more discussions to see why exactly he feels it isn't working and pinpoint the issues and then decide if you want to work through them

Are you suggesting that all of this is the op's fault for wanting her baby to go to sleep in bed rather than in a buggy

I don't think anyone is suggesting that. People are just saying that there are other ways of doing things that may work for some families when on holiday, which OP could bear in mind to try for future reference, rather than automatically volunteering to stay in the room with the child.

As for the drinking and whatever else until 4am, as far as I can see nobody thinks that acceptable and all of us would put our foot down if it was tried. Many of us would dump his sorry arse once home, at the latest.

He needs reminding that he is a parent, too. If he doesn't like being one he can fuck off then, can't he?

Men shouldn't need to be told to help. It should be the same as for women. It's his family too and of course he should be helping!

Why on earth does he need to be out til 4am every morning?!? On a family holiday. That's quite unusual, very much not the norm for anyone I know, especially on a family holiday.

On holiday we spend the time together as a family. When Dd was small we'd keep her up later and/or she slept in a pram.but we'd both go back to the room together, maybe take a glass or a bottle of wine back with us and sit either on the balcony or sit in the bed watching something, reading or chatting. Then during the day we'd do stuff as a family together.m, taking it in turns to watch Dd (when little) whilst we sunbather, went in pool or whatever. Or we'd be out and about together.

But for me that is what a family holiday is and it's the same for people I know.

Your dh is having a lads/singles holiday at you're expense.

You thought you were going on a family holiday but he seems to think it's him, the baby, and the nanny. Who if so would be entitled to some time off.

Bin him, OP.

If your DD is only 9 months, can she sleep in the pram while you spend an evening together rather than going back to the room at 8pm?

I would rather sit out and have a few drinks with my OH until 11/12 with my baby asleep in the pram next to us than send him out alone if he's coming back at 4am and then is entirely useless the next day!

What a selfish, immature, sexist little prick, and with due respect OP, you clearly have some internalised misogynistic views if you see parenting as default the mothers job.

If he didn’t want to parent a child, he shouldn’t have decided to have one, but it’s too late now, so he needs to grow the fuck up and stop pretending he’s 21. You need to stop being a doormat and seeing childcare as primarily your job, when he’s at home, he should be doing just as much as you are, and you should be going out and leaving him to look after her alone sometimes.

Personally I would leave him, I couldn’t be with a man who had such little respect for me. Why on earth does he think he can absolve himself from caring for his child every night AND every morning? Well because it’s the skivvy’s job isn’t it?

Family holidays are hard, and pretty much every mum I know hates them. Especially when he works all week and you suddenly have to spend 24/7 with him, but he wants a "holiday from work". My DH and I almost separated after a lovely but exhausting trip where he barely lifted a finger. One afternoon, I literally walked out and said "I need some time to myself". It took a long time and marriage counselling with Relate to sort out, but it is possible.

It is absolutely not normal for a man to go out clubbing with random strangers until 4am on holiday while leaving his partner and baby in the hotel. I know literally no couple who have this arrangement.

Generally speaking, people I know who holiday with babies will spend the day together, have an earlyish evening meal and then either go back to the accommodation and crack open a bottle of wine on the balcony, or let the baby sleep in their pram/buggy while they have a meal/drink in a quietish bar/restaurant.

Maybe at some point during the holiday one parent will look after the baby on their own during the day while the other one goes off and does an activity or something - eg I have a friend whose husband sometimes spends a day on a sea fishing trip on holiday while she has the kids, and then another day he'll have them while she spends a day on something she likes. But no, going out clubbing every night (or even just going out drinking/eating while your partner is stuck in a hotel room all evening) is very much not the norm for a parent on holiday with their partner and baby.

I would rather sit out and have a few drinks with my OH until 11/12 with my baby asleep in the pram next to us than send him out alone if he's coming back at 4am and then is entirely useless the next day!

I'd just rather not have an OH who thought it was acceptable and within normal family holidays for him to go and do that, without having to have a baby out til midnight every evening just to curtail him!

I did take dd in a pram some evenings when she was tiny, but to til midnight and not in order to stop my DH from drinking til all hours!

Poor you. What a tosser.

He is so out of line. First of all you wouldn't be the only one complaining about that at all. Secondly, when do you get your break/night out/me-time?

Don't stand for it. He is equally the parent and he doesn't get the right to check out over and over again.

Doesn't he realize that YOU are also on Holiday? His behaviour is that of a single teenager. Not a father and husband.

It doesn't sound like he's much of a father either. He doesn't help out at home, and he's not much help on hols. He needs to address this - or leave.

Hope today has been better for you OP

My husband would never of done that on holiday, baby goes to bed then we have a couple of drinks on our balcony, it wouldn't of crossed his mind to go out!

OP why are you going to the room at 8pm. A 9 month old is pretty portable, go out at night, pop her in the pram and let her sleep. No need to get pissed or stay out til 4am but you can both have a nice night out together.

I'd be having a serious conversation with him about your expectations of him as a father and a partner. If he doesn't want to play ball show him the door. You already have one child you don't need him to act like a stroppy teenager.

Did he want the baby?

Thanks all. Not great today we’ve just ignored each other and I told him at lunch that I’ll take his word and want him out when we come back...
He just acknowledged and spent the day miserable sitting in the hotel reception and then back in the room. I’ve just spent my day with DD not caring or anything.
I’m so annoyed that he thinks he’s in the right and also doesn’t look after his DD after all he wanted the baby for a long time...
It’s hard to think it may be over but it looks like he won’t admit to be in the wrong and realize how selfish he’s been up until today...
The more I think about it the more I realize with or without him won’t make a difference when it comes to taking care of our DD.
I don’t know why I told him he could hang around evening I meant have a drink and come back early not leaving me in the room but he’s taken it the wrong way.
Dreading the return to the UK tomorrow and decision time...

At this point he's probably more useful to you by being out of the way and paying child support rather than sulking like a giant manchild and treating you like a nanny because you happen to be female.

If my husband did this even one night, they'd be hearing me back in the UK.

He is absolutely taking the utter piss.

You unreasonable?

He thinks you should sit on your jack Jones in a hotel/apt with a baby all night while he's out clubbing/partying - and then look after them the next day as well cause he's hungover.

What drugs is he on?

He thinks he's on an 18 30 lads holiday on his own.

Other women don't do it - I wouldn't do it. I have a toddler and my husband would not fkg dare to expect to do something like that even one night. We'd be on hol.as a couple and a family.

As a PP said, could you contact his parents before you leave there and let them know what he's done? Do you have a good enough relationship with PIL to do that?

He's 35 not a child. What's the point of contacting his parents?

I’m not planning to contacting his parents I believe he’s old enough to be accountable and shouldn’t need to get his parents involved. Going back home tomorrow we’ll see what happens, I’m clear that I’m not in the wrong and let this happen my bad but I won’t allow this no more....

People on here doing the whole “my baby went in a pram blah blah blah” are so annoying. NOT EVERYONE’S BABY WILL DO THAT

Selfish wanker.