AIBU holidays from hell with husband and baby

[Sophi10]

Good evening hoping to get some opinions tonight... currently on our first holiday abroad in Spain with husband and 9 month old DD. We were all very excited of this much needed break all inclusive so no cleaning or cooking for a whole week. Before booking it I made sure husband was happy with it and we discussed that it’s going to be a nice time to help me with baby as he works full time while I’m on mat leave.
Obviously I accept that DD is tired before 8pm and I’m happy to stay in the room with her on night time so he can walk around go for a drink and relax.

For the context DH has been very supportive during pregnancy and helps home a lot with housekeeping.
The second night he went out and got back in the room at 4am (fine by me still plenty of people out in this location). But at 8am when DD woke up he wouldn’t help me with her at all... just pretended to be sleeping after partying which he probably was as I could smell the alcohol !!
I told him that I’m ok with him out at night to chill but on day time it’s not fair on me to stay asleep till 11ish! He got mad and said I’m not reasonable...
He’s done the same for 3 nights in a row and this morning I admittedly shouted and swore at him for being useless and that this holiday is a f**g nightmare. He since ignores me and hasn’t talked to me all day. I tried to engage conversation and he said he felt insulted and I always complain and “how do all women do why are you the only one complaining?” Then went on saying awful comments about how it was wrong to have the baby with me, this was the worst part of the whole argument to me I felt extremely insulted and speechless...
It just escalated to the point where he said we are not compatible and it’s not working anymore and we should part way when back in the UK, as it’s always going to be the same.
He literally made plans saying he’ll move out from me and DD and I can decide what I do with the house, etc...
Now I know that I shouldn’t have sworn at him but it was just too much and I couldn’t take it I thought this holiday would be great for me too, DD has been fun not fussy at all. I’m doing literally all the childcare home and hoped I’d get let’s say and hour break or two a day to chill too but none of that. The only times he “helped” was when I asked him to keep her so I can take shower or go to the loo...
I’m so upset that he doesn’t realize how tired I am and how delusional he is about the fact that women can and should do it all. It’s like he’s punishing his DD by not spending time with her but AIBU to think it’s his role as a father?
AIBU to think that once you got a baby you can’t act like you’re a young single man or child free?

Thank you for reading me just needed to take this off my chest and hoping for advice on how to act for the next 2 days we got left in here and back home...

@stucknoue not everyone wants to have their kids sleeping in buggies, even on holiday.

I’m sorry but what kind of man goes on holiday with his family and goes off drinking and partying on his own every evening

A man that doesn’t like being a dad!

What's the op sticking the baby in a pram and going out got to do with him pissing up until 4am and not getting up in the morning?

Your husband is a grade A cunt.

Many a holiday with my dh and he does equal. We both go out, we both get to relax, we take it in turns. Last holiday he took the kids and I went for a massage. Let him leave op, you don't need his kind of 'partnership'.

I tried to engage conversation and he said he felt insulted and I always complain and “how do all women do why are you the only one complaining?”

Send him here. We'll let him know how "all women do"!!

Take him up on his offer to separate.

I agree with Caledoniahasmyheartforever's post of Sun 29-Sep-19 21:59:49.
The level of contempt he has for you, the speed with which he put divorce idea on the table, and the fact that he has completely checked out of parenthood, on top of his atrocious behaviour on this holiday (and the long working hours at home) says 'I have checked out of this relationship'.

He doesn't care about you or DD.

Very much doubt he is drinking alone.

So he was out all night drinking till 4am and you thought when the baby woke up at 8 he should have got up. He would have still be drunk . I wouldn’t want someone who had been drinking all night to get up with next to no sleep and be responsible for my baby. I think a once off would be ok but it really isn’t normal for him to go out every night on a family holiday. Things can seem so magnified on holiday as you can read really escape .

He sees all childcare as your job doesn't he. Why hasn't he pitched in in the 9 months since you've had her?

1. He's calling your bluff on the I'm leaving you and has no intention of doing it. But my reaction to him would be good, pack up your stuff when you get home, here is my suggestion on what we do with finances and custody. He'll probably back track but hopefully you don't want him to unless he agrees to some massive changes and you see evidence of them immediately.
2. Even if he works FT, he should be coming home and taking baby off you to give you a break etc
3. His behaviour on holiday is totally abnormal and you should not be putting up with it

Take back the upper hand. He's in the wrong, tell him if he wants to find out what other woman do he can go and find another one to put up with his dickhead ways. At least if you did part you'd get something of a break from childcare every few days.

Be kind to yourself, none of this is your fault

Leave the waster.

I’d get an early flight home. Right now. His shit would be on the doorstep waiting for him when he finally rolled home.

He sounds about 18 years old on his first trip to Magaluf without his parents. What a pathetic dickhead.

I’m sorry but read your post. How will he respect you if you don’t respect yourself? You have gone on a family holiday and yet said yourself that you’re happy for your husband to bugger off out ALL night drinking and doing God knows what else while you sit in with the baby? And you’ve said you’re fine with this? How can you be sure he hasn’t cheated on you? And even if he hasn’t, why on earth are you putting up with this utter shit? You’re even making excuses for his bad behaviour by giving him credit for sometimes ‘helping with the housekeeping’ while it sounds like you basically act like his servant?! If this is how he behaves on holiday I dread to think what he is like for the rest of the year! I’m seriously struggling with this post, not only because of his vile behavior but also because of your attitude - you’re like defending and enabling him completely! What kind of man goes on a holiday with his wife and child and then goes and gets hammered drunk til 4am? Strap your child into the pram and go for a nice dinner together or something! Why are you accepting this behaviour? Your whole post is just really sad to read - like you just accept this horrible behaviour as your life. It’s really sad to imagine that your daughter is seeing her father act like a piece of crap towards her mother and learning that it’s okay for men to treat women like this. As a mother of a daughter I think you need to toughen up and stop putting up with his shit or what sort of lesson is that teaching your little girl? That women are servants responsible for cleaning and childcare while men go out and have fun and do whatever they want? Is this the life you want for her because it sounds like you’re normalizing this behaviour.

OP, you and your DD deserve so much more than this.

DD1 is not a buggy sleeper so when DH and I are on holiday, to a certain extent we are confined to the hotel when our kids are asleep. HOWEVER, not once have we had a night like you describe. We chat and drink together on the balcony (or an adjoining room, if we can afford it, with a monitor for company), or sometimes we'll take it turns from night to night to go for a short walk/shop in the town/nightcap at the bar. Neither of us would do what your DH has done because neither of us would want to. We go on family holidays to spend time as a family.

What you are describing is not normal, or acceptable.

What a twat! Probably best he didn’t help with the baby if he’d been out drinking til 4am. He’s being incredibly selfish and behaving like a teenage boy. If I were you I’d keep the peace on holiday then split once home you have one child already you expect him to be a husband not a second child!
My DP wouldn’t dream of going out without me on holiday, we go away to be together as a family.

I don't understand why you don't just put your baby in the buggy in the evening. It's what the Spanish do, it's what we did. I can't post from my phone but my kids asleep in the double buggy in a jazz club in San Francisco is one of my favourites. They slept through everything

Sorry @stucknoue

Are you suggesting that all of this is the op's fault for wanting her baby to go to sleep in bed rather than in a buggy? I'm pleased for you that your babies slept soundly in a buggy but not all do (mine never did) and maybe op's doesn't either.
Anyway, though you seem to have missed the point somewhat. Her problem isn't that he went out and left her, her problem was that he got so drunk he was incapable of doing anything as a family the next day.... then he repeated his behaviour every night.
Op, I'd make plans to move on from this man. He's treated you with total disrespect, behaved like a teenager and then got vicious and nasty when called out on it. That's not somebody I'd want to be married to.

It amazes me that still in 2019 when women give birth they qre turned into slaves by their husbands . Maternity leave is given because babies turn your life on its head and everyone needs time to adjust.
It isnt given so you go back to the 1950s.
When my daughter was 6mths we went on holiday and each day was spent together then at night we would push her in the buggy have a drink go back to the room with another drink and play cards or something then wed both go to sleep earlish so wed be ready for her in the morning. Shes 6now and the last holiday we had we all went to bed at the same time as evening arent that important to us on family holidays. But even if you are ok qith your husband going ot surely the favour should he returned surely he should say yup you go with the nice people and ill have her tonight you didnt give birth to him so you shouldnt have to do everything doe hil including raise his child. I hope it all works out for you xxx

I'd be delighted he wants to leave. Let him and be thankful for a lucky escape. You don't want to spend the rest of your life like that.

I don't understand why you don't just put your baby in the buggy in the evening

How would that help this situation? The bloke is on a lads boozy night club night. How on earth does a baby in a buggy fit in with that scenario?

My kids have never settled/slept in a buggy - both of them always woke up the second it stopped moving - and keeping them up just results in them springing out of bed at the same time in the morning but being insanely tired and crabby all day. Since we are always holidaying in Europe, we do just keep their routine on UK time which means they're up later local time, but some kids are just not at all amenable to evenings out on holiday.

Here is what we do though. On our recent holiday, when our oldest was at kids club for 2-3 hours, one of us would take the baby and the other would get the time for swimming/reading/napping/gym. In the evenings, we'd read, play cards or games, knit, talk outside with a bottle of wine or take it in turns to have a bit of time to sit in the hotel bar with a book. Together. One evening DH did go out at 10pm when I was ready to go to bed for a couple of hours as there was a match I wanted to watch.

Second everyone. this is not normal or OK. Nor is it OK for him not to pull his weight at home or do childcare on weekends, or you'll still be doing it all when you come back to work. Something is going on. Good, engaged husbands do not jump to "let's split up" when you have a row over some "temporarily" selfish behaviour.

As Lightdrizzle said,couples with babies and young kids spend their evenings sitting on the balcony together having a drink and relaxing. That is a family holiday to me when you have babies and young children. It not full out party time for one family member. Doesn’t sound like DH is a family man sadly. Shape up or out would be my ultimatum. Please don’t be treated like a doormat OP, you and DD deserve so much better.

How are things today OP?

I think he has received mixed messages, wrt your view that it was ‘obvious’ that he could go out and about at night and the fact that you needed to be very explicit and direct about your expectations in exchange.

Can you have a calm talk with him about all this? And the position it puts you in (his nanny) and how to make it more of a family holiday and fairer.

I don't understand why you don't just put your baby in the buggy in the evening

Because all babies are different? My 9 month old goes to bed at 7. There is absolutely no chance on earth he would sleep in his buggy with all the noise etc around him. He’d just end up an overtired wreck.
DD2 would have been fine.

But even if they had ‘just put the baby in the buggy’, how would that have solved the issue of the partner partying until 4am and sleeping all day?

Holidays can be awful because you are trapped. He's trapped, you're trapped. Get through this holiday and see how things go at home. If he goes back to his normal, helpful self, then perhaps the lesson from this is that holidays like this are not for you at the moment. Little 3 night breaks in family places (lodge parks, caravan parks, center parcs) might be best for the time being.

He’s cheated. He’s an arse. Make him move out when he’s back. He doesn’t appear to help you much anyway so it won’t be any kind of loss.

What an awful awful man.