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Original poster

To think this is cheating - DH doesn’t think so

128 replies

marillionfan · 29/09/2019 13:46

I’ve name-changed for this but have been posting for years. Basically I found out 2 years ago DH had contacted a woman he’d never met before via FB, complimented her on her looks and tried to meet her for coffee several times. She was a friend of a friend on FB and he’d sent a request which she accepted. By the way, I’m not blaming her - he’s firmly in the wrong as far as I’m concerned. I confronted him, told him if he contacted her again that our marriage would be over. He accepted this, though never really showed any remorse and kept her as a FB “friend.”

2 years later, I’ve just found out he’s recently contacted her again via FB messenger, to tell her how “stunning” she looked in a recent photo. (He was acting suspiciously so I snooped). It appears this was the first contact since our argument 2 years ago. Again, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

What would others do - would you be prepared to end an otherwise perfectly fine marriage over this?

OP posts:
Itallt0omuch · 29/09/2019 13:48

He's certainly trying to cheat.

Celebelly · 29/09/2019 13:49

Yes, this would be a hard no from me. Tbh the first thing he did, contacting her and trying to meet her, was bad enough and he'd have been out, but to then continue to send her messages about her appearance is unacceptable.

Is she even welcoming his attentions? Or is he just sending her creepy messages? Would he accept you sending messages to other men saying they are attractive and trying to meet them?!

Bouffalant · 29/09/2019 13:50

He's trying to cheat.

TheMustressMhor · 29/09/2019 13:50

It doesn't sound like he understands what cheating is.

It also doesn't sound like you have a "perfectly fine" marriage, either.

avocadoincident · 29/09/2019 13:50

I definitely see this as a betrayal.

What does he say he's doing it for?

It's tricky to know if you should end the marriage over it at this point but for me the trust would be gone and I'd be suspicious forever which would make me ill.

What's your gut instinct?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 29/09/2019 13:50

That is in no way acceptable behaviour and it seems like he's actively trying to cheat.

8stoneloser · 29/09/2019 13:50

Who has he been complimenting and meeting for coffee between then and now? He would have been gone the first time.

PriscillaTheHun · 29/09/2019 13:50

God. What a sleaze.

Fookinwot · 29/09/2019 13:51

He has no respect for you

Original poster
marillionfan · 29/09/2019 13:52

I doubt he would accept me doing it - we both have friends of the opposite sex and there are no issues about it, though I can’t picture what would happen if I did the same thing.

She responded to his original messages 2 years ago in a friendly and chatty way, and seemed keen to meet, but nothing materialised likely due to work/family issues (she lives about 20 miles away).

On this recent occasion, her response was pleasant but short, and didn’t give me the impression she was interested in him.

OP posts:
NoDontLookAtMeImShy · 29/09/2019 13:52

He wants to cheat.

If he hasn't already then he will by the sounds of it.

Grambler · 29/09/2019 13:53

So the only time he's ever done this, you found out right away?
And then the very first time he did it again, you found out again right away?

Either you've been very lucky or there's more you don't know about.

Original poster
marillionfan · 29/09/2019 13:54

I’m also wondering seeing what has happened in the meantime with others tbh Sad

My gut instinct tells me he wants to enjoy a flirtation without an actual physical affair. I’ve lost all respect I had for him tbh and although we could carry on, I do feel ill thinking about it.

OP posts:
Drogosnextwife · 29/09/2019 13:55

So he would be absolutely fine with you sending messages like this to another man, yes? I would give it a go and see how he feels about it. Or get rid of his sleezy arse.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/09/2019 13:58

It's sneakily suspicious that the only 2 times in his life that he has messaged or tried to arrange to meet another woman you have caught him.

It's not the only 2 times, BTW.

GreySheep · 29/09/2019 13:59

Ugh. Actively trying to cheat and seeking out other women. Deal breaker for me. He’d be gone.

MyGhastIsFlabbered · 29/09/2019 14:01

He's trying to cheat certainly. Him getting back in contact with her after you said not to would be a dealbreaker - not so much for the contact itself but the lack of respect for you.

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 29/09/2019 14:02

What a creep.
Not cheating but only because he didn't get the opportunity to.
I'd feel just as betrayed given the only reason it didn't happen was because the woman wasn't available.

Topseyt · 29/09/2019 14:03

In his mind, he is actually cheating even though he won't openly admit it.

So yes, it is cheating and I would be tempted to dump him. He promised before that it wouldn't happen again and had been found wanting. How can you trust him again?

Straycatstrut · 29/09/2019 14:04

Most men wouldn't stop at the flirting if more was on the cards with a "stunning" woman they were chasing.

He doesn't want to just be friends because otherwise he wouldn't be secretly trying to flirt with her behind your back.

I'd walk out and stay somewhere else to make it damn clear you're not going to stick around and wait to be cheated on.

He either blocks, deletes her and works on your marriage or you seperate and he goes off chasing other women if that's what he wants.

KM99 · 29/09/2019 14:06

Did she ever respond to any of these messages? It's sleazy enough he did it in the first place, but then to do it again.

He's looking for an opportunity to cheat. He may have done it already with other women. You deserve a lot better than that.

Singlenotsingle · 29/09/2019 14:06

He's making a fool of himself. Mid life crisis? Tell him he's a silly old fool!

TatianaLarina · 29/09/2019 14:07

Trying to cheat and failing.

GingersAreLush · 29/09/2019 14:09

He’s definitely trying to cheat with her. I would wonder if he’s trying to/has actually cheated with others. I think even if he was to cut her out (doesn’t seem like he would anyway) he will simply move onto someone else.

I wouldn’t want to be married to someone who is untrustworthy.

TheRobinIsBobbingAlong · 29/09/2019 14:09

Sending flirty messages is bad enough, but the fact he was trying to meet her for coffee would definitely have been a deal breaker for me. There could only have been one reason for that surely?