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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is cheating - DH doesn’t think so

128 replies

marillionfan · 29/09/2019 13:46

I’ve name-changed for this but have been posting for years. Basically I found out 2 years ago DH had contacted a woman he’d never met before via FB, complimented her on her looks and tried to meet her for coffee several times. She was a friend of a friend on FB and he’d sent a request which she accepted. By the way, I’m not blaming her - he’s firmly in the wrong as far as I’m concerned. I confronted him, told him if he contacted her again that our marriage would be over. He accepted this, though never really showed any remorse and kept her as a FB “friend.”

2 years later, I’ve just found out he’s recently contacted her again via FB messenger, to tell her how “stunning” she looked in a recent photo. (He was acting suspiciously so I snooped). It appears this was the first contact since our argument 2 years ago. Again, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

What would others do - would you be prepared to end an otherwise perfectly fine marriage over this?

OP posts:
romany4 · 29/09/2019 14:11

Of course it's cheating. He's sneaking about and secretly messaging another woman.

That would be game over for me

Original poster
marillionfan · 29/09/2019 14:12

Thanks everyone for the replies. Obviously it’s hard to read home truths, but equally I’m relieved I’m not losing my marbles and being paranoid Sad

She did reply, but nothing particularly flirty or encouraging to him. The worst thing is, he’s annoyed by how I’ve reacted, and clearly thinks I’m in the wrong

OP posts:
TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/09/2019 14:12

Trying to cheat and failing

With this particular woman. I'd hazard a guess he has been successful on ohgrr occasions.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 29/09/2019 14:13

The worst thing is, he’s annoyed by how I’ve reacted, and clearly thinks I’m in the wrong

Textbook deflection.

TatianaLarina · 29/09/2019 14:16

The worst thing is, he’s annoyed by how I’ve reacted, and clearly thinks I’m in the wrong

So do it right back at him: you’re annoyed by his reaction and he is clearly in the wrong.

diddl · 29/09/2019 14:17

" would you be prepared to end an otherwise perfectly fine marriage over this?"

It's not fine though is it?

He's drooling after someone else & would be in like Flynn given the chance.

He's disgusting.

Deathraystare · 29/09/2019 14:17

What an absolute bastard. He certainly isn't contacting her as just a 'friend' - he wants benefits too!

Just think. Would he be so okay with you doing the same thing - contacting guys and saying how hunky they looked? If so then he really doesn't care for your relationship at all and if he is jealous at the thought of it, then he is really being unreasonable!

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 29/09/2019 14:18

Just remember it isn't up to him to tell you what you feel is or isn't being cheated on.
They are your boundaries.
You're entitled to feel however you want to feel about what he's done, he doesn't really get a vote on how bad it is.

CallmeAngelina · 29/09/2019 14:19

OK, so what does he reckon would have happened if she'd have been "up for it?"

GroggyLegs · 29/09/2019 14:19

He's trying to date someone else while married to you.
That's cheating. You don't need to question yourself.

His lack of any acknowledgement of your feelings, and refusal to acknowledge that THIS ISN'T normal, is as bad as the messages. It's gaslighting.

Sorry OP, this must be horrible for you.

bluebeck · 29/09/2019 14:19

He is trying to meet up with other women he is physically attracted to.

This would be a dealbreaker for most people. Flowers

GreenItWas · 29/09/2019 14:20

He would come home to find me gone and a hundred paper copies of the evidence nailed to all the kitchen cupboards.

Someone like him needs to have it spelt out one hundred times it would seem but that would be the last 'favour' I ever did for him.

KUGA · 29/09/2019 14:20

He wants to cheat for sure.
Personally I would contact her and tell her what you know and do not reply to h if he fb`s her again.
She should be ashamed of herself.
And tbh you should think twice about your marriage to a want to be cheat.

WonderWomansSpin · 29/09/2019 14:20

He doesn't think you're in the wrong and he knows it's cheating. He's just trying to deflect and deflect. He's trying to make it about you and tbh that's why I'd be asking him to leave.If he'd been sorry, unfriended her and asked how he could rebuild your trust then maybe, maybe, you could have thought about forgiving him. But instead he's pretending it's fine and you're the problem. That's unforgivable.

Bishbosh84 · 29/09/2019 14:21

Wtf! He sounds like a creep to be honest. Definitely not innocent

Honeyroar · 29/09/2019 14:24

Why should she be particularly ashamed? She's not encouraged him or actually met him. He's the one that's lying and flattering her/trying to meet up.

I don't know how you'd live with someone that you couldn't trust two years ago or now. And as for him being angry, I'd boot him out, at least for the week, to give him an idea of how serious this is. If there is any chance of this working he really has to understand and accept what he's doing. Being angry at you is the final nail in the coffin as far as I'm concerned. He's trying to transfer his guilt.

Original poster
marillionfan · 29/09/2019 14:24

.If he'd been sorry, unfriended her and asked how he could rebuild your trust then maybe, maybe, you could have thought about forgiving him.

This is exactly what I said to him 2 years ago. He’s said today that he’ll delete her as a FB friend if I want, which defeats the purpose of it, in my opinion.

I’m not personally annoyed with her, though she’ll clearly know he’s married and we have DC, as she’ll have seen this on FB. While I’m silently judging her, I know my gripe is with him, not her

OP posts:
Bishbosh84 · 29/09/2019 14:26

I’m not personally annoyed with her, though she’ll clearly know he’s married and we have DC, as she’ll have seen this on FB. While I’m silently judging her, I know my gripe is with him, not her

But what do you want her to do? How was she meant to handle the situation? From what you’ve said, it sounds like she’s done everything right

MarianaMoatedGrange · 29/09/2019 14:28

What a cheek! trying to date another woman while he's married to you - and HE'S angry???????

LannieDuck · 29/09/2019 14:29

Is there a good-looking male friend of a friend that you know?

Ask DH how he'd feel if you'd messaged that person telling them they were 'gorgeous' and asking them to meet up for coffee?

MashedSpud · 29/09/2019 14:30

Sounds like he’s checked out of the marriage and is seeking someone to then have the balls to leave you.

It’s rarely innocent when a married man calls another woman stunning, flirts with them and tries to arrange a meet up.

He should delete this woman and stop being a prick.

Boireannachlaidir · 29/09/2019 14:33

How can you be bothered with all of this? Fuck this shit. I'd be telling him to sling his hook. So disrespectful and immature but to mention creepy.

Do you still fancy him? Confused

I honestly cba trying to talk about it or reason with him. He is not trustworthy and I can't be doing with liars.

Sexnotgender · 29/09/2019 14:34

Sounds like he hasn’t physically cheated with this particular woman but not for lack of trying!
It’s incredibly dishonest and disrespectful and I wouldn’t put up with it.

Wherearemycrayons · 29/09/2019 14:34

This is a no from me, you gave him a chance 2 years ago, giving him another would just be loosing respect for yourself and you’d be a lot better off without someone who clearly doesn’t respect you or your opinion.

Justaboy · 29/09/2019 14:36

Most men wouldn't stop at the flirting if more was on the cards with a "stunning" woman they were chasing

Now tell us something we don't know;!