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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is cheating - DH doesn’t think so

128 replies

marillionfan · 29/09/2019 13:46

I’ve name-changed for this but have been posting for years. Basically I found out 2 years ago DH had contacted a woman he’d never met before via FB, complimented her on her looks and tried to meet her for coffee several times. She was a friend of a friend on FB and he’d sent a request which she accepted. By the way, I’m not blaming her - he’s firmly in the wrong as far as I’m concerned. I confronted him, told him if he contacted her again that our marriage would be over. He accepted this, though never really showed any remorse and kept her as a FB “friend.”

2 years later, I’ve just found out he’s recently contacted her again via FB messenger, to tell her how “stunning” she looked in a recent photo. (He was acting suspiciously so I snooped). It appears this was the first contact since our argument 2 years ago. Again, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

What would others do - would you be prepared to end an otherwise perfectly fine marriage over this?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/09/2019 14:36

Well, he would say that, wouldn't he?

He's a creep. Ugh.

AllFourOfThem · 29/09/2019 14:38

an otherwise perfectly fine marriage over this

Is it though? Let’s be brutal here and say infidelity, and the emotional intention (which is at the very least what he is guilty of), is such a massive breach of your vows that it makes the rest of your marriage (unless you have an open marriage) a total mockery so it’s not fine at all.

He had a warning, who knows what has happened in the meantime he hasn’t been caught out doing, and now he has done this again. I’d divorce. Otherwise, since you gave him the ultimatum, you are effectively enabling him to cheat.

AllFourOfThem · 29/09/2019 14:39

The worst thing is, he’s annoyed by how I’ve reacted, and clearly thinks I’m in the wrong

He is just trying to deflect from his behaviour. He is in the wrong and either he knows it and is expecting to be divorced or else he doesn’t think it and that shows he has no respect for you so should also be divorced.

HotMessMama · 29/09/2019 14:40

I’m sorry OP you must be so hurt by this

It’s the intention behind it, he contacted this woman in the hope that she would respond in a similar flirty way. Had she agreed to meet with him I have no doubt that he would’ve cheated on you Intending to cheat and not being successful is still cheating in my eyes.
The next woman he contacts might not swerve his advances.

Roozy123 · 29/09/2019 14:41

I would leave.
The 1st time he didn't learn and change... that would be enough for me.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 29/09/2019 14:48

Are you a little in denial at how bad this is OP?

VenusTiger · 29/09/2019 14:49

Ask him straight out, what his point to complimenting her is? Is is so that she’ll react? So that she’ll get in contact again? So that she’ll swoon and fall in love with him?

Sending a random uninvited compliment to anyone is asking for a response so why does he want her attention?

VenusTiger · 29/09/2019 14:52

Does he need his ego stroking? Because if he does, you are not likely to want to now are you, it after this.... tell him he’s made a big hole for himself.

Superfoodie123 · 29/09/2019 14:55

This is creepy behaviour. I'd be really put off my dh if I found this out, I wouldn't be able to touch him. At least an affair at work would be an accumulation of events rather than actively chasing someone on Facebook you've never met.

disappear · 29/09/2019 15:01

I confronted him, told him if he contacted her again that our marriage would be over.

And yet it isn't. If you give him another chance, he'll see no reason to change.

Paddingtonthebear · 29/09/2019 15:01

It would be game over for me. If he is happy in his marriage, and an honest person , and quite frankly... a normal adult, then he would have no reason or interest in contacting a stranger to compliment them on their looks. The fact he is doing it and minimising it just says he has no respect for you at all.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2019 15:02

Why are you not following through with your ultimatum, op ?

Kittenbittenmitten · 29/09/2019 15:03

Sorry but your marriage isn't fine. He's trying to cheat. Trying to cheat is cheating. He's putting in the effort. I would also expect there to be others. I'm sorry your husband's a bastard OP

carly2803 · 29/09/2019 15:06

hes either cheater or is about to.
dump his ass and leave

Janaih · 29/09/2019 15:07

pick your self respect up off the floor and ditch him.
hire a private detective if you need hard proof your husband is a cheat.

KickAssAngel · 29/09/2019 15:12

Probably in his own mind he's been lying to himself to justify it. He's thought "I'm just being friendly" or "no harm in some minor flirtation", so you calling him on it makes him have to face up to his own lies, and he doesn't want to be honest with himself or you.

We all have secret fantasy lives - but he's actually on the first steps of acting it out. Learning the difference between real life and fantasy requires maturity and integrity. He doesn't have it. He could learn those things, but he doesn't want to - he'd rather act like a toddler and say it's all your fault, he didn't do it, it's not fair.

Scarydinosaurs · 29/09/2019 15:15

Have you posed the idea to him that if this is okay for him to do, that you will do the same? Find attractive men, friend them, message them, ask them to meet you for coffee?

rededucator · 29/09/2019 15:17

Can you ask him what his end goal was? If his date had been successful what was his plan going forward with this 'stunning' woman

Original poster

marillionfan · 29/09/2019 15:17

*Why are you not following through with your ultimatum, op ?i

I know I should, and I think I will, but just can’t face the energy and heartache it will cause me.

He’s now apologised and is upset, but it’s not enough. It’s so hard trying to act normal in between, in front of DC. I tried to be cheery at lunch but it’s impossible. I’m hoping to go out for a long walk this afternoon to clear my head

OP posts:

AnyOldPrion · 29/09/2019 15:18

I ... told him if he contacted her again that our marriage would be over.

You set your boundary out clearly. He knew the consequence if he stepped over it, yet he chose to do so.

He has shown disrespect to you and your boundaries. Gather your self-respect and tell him it’s over. Of course, if you need to plan an escape route, you don’t need to tell him immediately, but make the decision and work towards it.

If you don’t follow through with the consequence you gave, then he will feel enabled to step further over your boundaries. He’s looking for a foothold. Don’t give it to him.

Oh and... he isn’t annoyed by how you’ve reacted. He’s annoyed you’ve found out and is now trying to control your reaction to minimise the chances of you feeling strong enough to gather your self-respect and show him the door. He knows full well he deserves it, but is banking on making you doubt yourself.

Sorry, it’s a shitty situation, OP, especially if you have children. But I get the feeling you know deep inside what you have to do, for your own peace of mind. Good luck.

Fluffycloudland77 · 29/09/2019 15:22

Oh I’d just leave, he really wants to start something with her. It’s better to take control than wait for him to end it.

AnyOldPrion · 29/09/2019 15:22

can’t face the energy and heartache it will cause me

Just seen your latest post. There’s more heartache to come, if you stay. Staying with someone who doesn’t respect you, when you KNOW he doesn’t respect you will eat away at your happiness.

MumW · 29/09/2019 15:22

If you throw him out/he leaves, what is your position both financially and practically (getting to work, childcare, emotional support etc).

Get yourself sorted so that any decisons you make aren't coloured by having to stay because he has you trapped.

Witchinaditch · 29/09/2019 15:26

He has cheated yet as it sounds like she’s not interested but it sounds like he wants to

Fishcakey · 29/09/2019 15:28

He hasn't cheated yet but probably would given any encouragement. Things could be reconciled at this point but unless he admits what he has done isn't right there seems little point as he'll just do it again.

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