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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is cheating - DH doesn’t think so

128 replies

marillionfan · 29/09/2019 13:46

I’ve name-changed for this but have been posting for years. Basically I found out 2 years ago DH had contacted a woman he’d never met before via FB, complimented her on her looks and tried to meet her for coffee several times. She was a friend of a friend on FB and he’d sent a request which she accepted. By the way, I’m not blaming her - he’s firmly in the wrong as far as I’m concerned. I confronted him, told him if he contacted her again that our marriage would be over. He accepted this, though never really showed any remorse and kept her as a FB “friend.”

2 years later, I’ve just found out he’s recently contacted her again via FB messenger, to tell her how “stunning” she looked in a recent photo. (He was acting suspiciously so I snooped). It appears this was the first contact since our argument 2 years ago. Again, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

What would others do - would you be prepared to end an otherwise perfectly fine marriage over this?

OP posts:
SherbetSaucer · 29/09/2019 15:31

I wouldn’t class what he’s done so far as cheating but I wouldn’t be at all impressed by it!

Ponoka7 · 29/09/2019 15:31

I'd search dating sites, but he might be on long distance hook up ones.

There's a FB meme of how many relationships most single, remotely attractive, women could end, if they shared the contents of their inbox.

In my (my friends, my Adult dds etc) experience it's true. No man befriends random women without wanting something.

Original poster
marillionfan · 29/09/2019 15:33

If you throw him out/he leaves, what is your position both financially and practically (getting to work, childcare, emotional support etc).

Thankfully I’d be ok from a financial and childcare point of view - I have my parents close by and they are always happy to help me. Unfortunately as the (much) higher earner, I stand to lose a lot more than him financially if we did divorce

OP posts:
whatwasthis1 · 29/09/2019 15:36

I wouldn’t accept that OP, he’s an embarrassment! Sad

CallMeRachel · 29/09/2019 15:47

It'll be a pattern of similar behaviour.

I know a sleazy man who used dh to find local women to shag. It's cheaper and less risky than Tinder because he knows it's their real selves on Fb.

He prowls round and sends pokes then chats on messenger. After the deed is done he disappears and pops back months later for a second go.

All his relationship details are hidden and never any photos of his partner.

Can you check hidden messages and outgoing friend requests?

I'm sorry, I'd be really hurt. He's basically pursuing other women.

CallMeRachel · 29/09/2019 15:47

Typo * Used fb not dh

Butterfly84 · 29/09/2019 15:49

Not cheating (yet). But creepy and so disrepectful to you. OP, he clearly does not respect or love you. Leave him, move on and find someone who doesn't treat you like dirt.

Tistheseason17 · 29/09/2019 15:51

So sorry, OP.

Friend had something similar recently.

It has been tough and he is trying to take all of her money (she is also higher earner) and he is a letch. But... she has her self respect and the children will eventually discover what an arse he is/was.Plus, she wanted her children to know his behaviour was not what she wanted them to think is acceptable for them in the future.

So sorry. Flowers

septembersunshine · 29/09/2019 15:53

In your position op I would wonder what else he has been up to. Is pursing this women it or is there more?

Blindspot82 · 29/09/2019 16:13

I seriously would be wondering if these are the only two times he's tried to cheat. He's not to be trusted

AllFourOfThem · 29/09/2019 16:20

Unfortunately as the (much) higher earner, I stand to lose a lot more than him financially if we did divorce

No price on your self respect though.

Durgasarrow · 29/09/2019 16:22

not ok

GettingABitDesperateNow · 29/09/2019 16:24

Its not commenting on a photo, that wouldn't bother me. It's the commenting on someone's photo that he has tried to sleep with. And sounds like he would again. If she had replied 'thanks, not so bad yourself!' and suggested they meet and then tried it on with him, is he really saying he would have declined? Hes acting like none of the backstory matters, and in this case, it matters. How would he like it if you contacted someone he was insecure about such as an ex telling them how great they looked and did they want to meet

Pollydocket · 29/09/2019 16:27

im not not really sure what you are asking, and I mean that on the nicest possible way.

You gave him an ultimatum, he made his choices. Divorce the fucker.

WhereYouLeftIt · 29/09/2019 16:32

What he has done (that you are aware of) isn't cheating - but it is trying to cheat. And given that he could have done things that you are not aware of - his attempts may have been more successful than this one Sad.

He's willing to cheat (and may already have done so), he's willing to gaslight you, he is absolutely treating you disrespectfully. Sorry, but your marriage is not an "otherwise perfectly fine marriage".

You posted "I’ve lost all respect I had for him tbh and although we could carry on, I do feel ill thinking about it." I do believe that without respect, it is impossible to love. So where does that leave you? Sorry, but as per your original question, yes I would be prepared to end this marriage. It is not 'otherwise perfectly fine', it's - well, it's over. All that's needed now is to acknowledge that and deal with the practicalities. So sorry Sad.

Hopoindown31 · 29/09/2019 16:32

Well he is clearly hard of thinking if nothing else. Not an attractive trait.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2019 16:34

Is a bit of money really worth your self-respect? Your husband is an absolute creep. He's a cheat, period. How you are even allowing him to stay in the home is beyond me. I would be calling a solicitor first thing in the morning.

Scarydinosaurs · 29/09/2019 16:36

You won’t lose out in the long term. It’s painful- but you’re with a man who is trying to cheat on you.

Actionhasmagic · 29/09/2019 16:39

This behaviour is not okay!!!!!! It’s so wrong and disrespectful to you and sorry but he only cares about himself he is not thinking of you or kids. You deserve someone who loves you and doesn’t pull this shit

Sashkin · 29/09/2019 16:39

Load up tinder, and start swiping this evening in front of him (don't sleaze on your friends' friends, that's grim). Read the replies back to him. Arrange a few coffee dates. Put them in the calendar. See what his reaction is, and whether he thinks it's "not cheating" when the shoe is on the other foot.

Mintlegs · 29/09/2019 16:40

He’s resting the waters with the woman. Save yourself much more heartache later on. This will affect your self esteem and the bar with what you will put up with will lower. He will also get more confident about what he can get away with. It is saddening and alarming how these men make the women doubt themselves and deny, deny and deny and wrong doing. It’s truly awful. X

PrettyPurse · 29/09/2019 16:40

OMG @marillionfan. What a complete sleaze....and you're married to him unfortunately!

If a friend told me that she'd been contacted by a married man like this I'd be advising her to block him.

Similarly l was sent a dick pic by a married ex colleague recently and l felt desperately sorry for his wife. He was hoping I'd return a photo... can guess what for....

Basically there is no respect there. He's only upset as he was caught before he got anywhere.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/09/2019 16:42

It's cheating. No "not yet" or "it's not really cheating". It's cheating. He is actively pursuing other women and that's cheating.

Your choice as to what you do next, but I couldn't, and wouldn't, accept that level of disregard and disrespect from someone purportedly in love with me. The marriage would be over and he'd have zero say in that.

TomorrowsPrincess · 29/09/2019 16:44

You set a boundary. He crossed the line.
He did something that not only hurt you but made you feel heartbroken.
I'd be absolutely shattered if my partner did this to me.
I hope your ok OP. But it does seem to me he's looking elsewhere for something he feels he's not getting at home, and I don't mean any disrespect, you are under no obligation to give him these cheap thrills that he seems to be chasing.
Let him go and chase the thrill...... the grass is never greener and more fool him for thinking it is!
Sending ThanksThanksThanks

VictoriaBun · 29/09/2019 16:46

Wow he's certainly been thinking of her and playing the long game !
For me that would be the hardest part to bear. It's like he Has been biding his time to pounce ! I would be beyond annoyed that he had continued to do this. And tbh if I were her I'd feel uncomfortable and perhaps even stalked by him.