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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is cheating - DH doesn’t think so

128 replies

marillionfan · 29/09/2019 13:46

I’ve name-changed for this but have been posting for years. Basically I found out 2 years ago DH had contacted a woman he’d never met before via FB, complimented her on her looks and tried to meet her for coffee several times. She was a friend of a friend on FB and he’d sent a request which she accepted. By the way, I’m not blaming her - he’s firmly in the wrong as far as I’m concerned. I confronted him, told him if he contacted her again that our marriage would be over. He accepted this, though never really showed any remorse and kept her as a FB “friend.”

2 years later, I’ve just found out he’s recently contacted her again via FB messenger, to tell her how “stunning” she looked in a recent photo. (He was acting suspiciously so I snooped). It appears this was the first contact since our argument 2 years ago. Again, he doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong.

What would others do - would you be prepared to end an otherwise perfectly fine marriage over this?

OP posts:
73Sunglasslover · 29/09/2019 16:46

All marriages are fine expect for the not-fine bits. This is a serious not-fine bit. You told him if he contacted her again the marriage was over. He contacted her again. What is your hesitation now about ending things?

Boysey45 · 29/09/2019 16:48

I'd end the relationship with him. Hes a slime ball and is an embarrassment.

SignedUpJust4This · 29/09/2019 16:51

Aside from the fact that it most definitely is attempting to be unfaithful he comes across as pretty pathetic and pervy by bothering this woman. Id lose all respect for him.

INeedAFlerken · 29/09/2019 16:52

Wow. Clearly looking for validation and excitement outside your marriage ... and acting like a petulant man child when challenged by you. What an arse.

If you'd started messaging some hot guy on FB in the same manner, I'm sure he would be unhappy.

I'd reconsider your entire relationship. Hard to stay with someone you can't trust and who has no respect for you. Sad.

BMW6 · 29/09/2019 17:15

Why would someone who loves and respects their partner and wants the same in return do such a thing as this?

At the very very least he's doing it for an ego boost - which means he has zero respect for you AND the woman he's messaging.

Tell him to get his sorry ass out of your life OP.

Senseofself1 · 29/09/2019 17:19

otherwise perfectly fine marriage

He wants an affair. In my mind, no marriage where one of the partners wants or has an affair is a good marriage. It is quite the opposite. It is a bad marriage by definition.

SunniDay · 29/09/2019 17:36

If it were me I would be deciding whether to end the relationship or whether to raise the children and then end the relationship. The marriage may be ok in lots of ways but he isn't loyal and doesn't make you feel loved and special. Your update suggests that you don't need him from a practical or childcare point of view - so does he massively enhance your own or your children's lives and sense of wellbeing?

Your decision reminds me on this scene from a movie but the sentiment is exactly right. Nothing much may have happened but can you stay knowing life will always be that little bit worse?

Nomorepies · 29/09/2019 17:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 29/09/2019 18:00

OK, why are people asking the Op to try it and see if he likes it??? He will most likely love it because he then gets to do what he wants guilt free. Plus he would know it's not real, it's just a revenge tactic.
So sorry op Flowers.

Doingtheboxerbeat · 29/09/2019 18:06

@SunniDay, I can't bear to watch this clip as it's so raw and real and heartbreaking.

EKGEMS · 29/09/2019 18:09

I do hope your head clearing long walk is straight to a divorce lawyer! He's a pitiful, clumsy wanna be cheater

Totalwasteofpaper · 29/09/2019 18:15

told him if he contacted her again that our marriage would be over.

He contacted her again...

Your marriage is over... and he doesn’t respect you

Cherrysoup · 29/09/2019 18:28

He’s so fucking stupid. What part of don’t contact her again or it’s over did he not get? You won’t lose out financially if you’re the main child care provider, hopefully.

lavenderlove · 29/09/2019 18:34

Are you by any chance a lot more attractive than him op? Because it sounds to me like he wants you to see these messages and have your confidence crushed

Doingtheboxerbeat · 29/09/2019 18:37

Op, am I right in thinking you were just asking a hypothetical question expecting people to just agree with you and after reading all the replies you are now facing the real possibility of ending your marriage and life as you know it? If so that's so awful.

FizzyGreenWater · 29/09/2019 18:37

If you are still going to be the main carer for the children, you might not lose as much as you think. Esepcially if you plan ahead by reducing hours - you will need to be there more for the children...

Original poster
marillionfan · 29/09/2019 18:41

Thanks everyone for the replies, you have all been really helpful. I guess it was a hypothetical question in some ways as I can’t see us staying together after this.

To answer to the poster who asked if I was more attractive than him, I’d say we are similarly average.

That scene with Emma Thompson popped into my head earlier Sunni, when I was sorting out dinner/homework and trying to look normal.

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/09/2019 18:48

Flowers OP, it sounds like you've had a pretty rough day of it.

Don't rush your next move. Take it slowly and decide without taking him and his actions into account what feels right for you. If he works out that you've reached your limit, let him stew. Don't feel that you have to pretend or keep up any kind of appearances til it's over; he's reached your threshold and can deal with the consequences on his own. If he goes on the attack or tries to undermine the validity of your feelings, try and let it roll over you; don't feel you have to justify your behaviour or next moves to him.

Do you have some good, solid support around you? If so, lean on them and let them help you through this.

brighteyeowl17 · 29/09/2019 19:28

Are you married to my ex!

He did this then tried to turn it round on me and say I was ‘always accusing him so he cheated anyway’

Ie I worked out what he was doing so wasn’t ‘accusing’ as he actually was Hmm

LadyofMisrule · 29/09/2019 20:43

I wouldn't automatically jump to conclusions. My husband told one of the mums at school (not a close friend, but an acquaintance) how great she was looking after she took up running (after her partner left her.) He doesn't have much of a social filter, and he asked me later if he'd said the wrong thing, because a mutual friend burst out laughing when she heard him.

Kittenbittenmitten · 29/09/2019 21:15

@LadyofMisrule. Your husband is probably quiet frank and just spoke as he found...in front of other people. There's a bit of a difference between that and privately messaging other people on Facebook.

caringcarer · 29/09/2019 21:23

He tried to cheat on you. You swallowed your pride and gave him a second chance. He has no respect for you and willing to risk your relationship to flirt with this other woman, who he thinks is stunning. I would be kicking him out. You gave him a second chance and he abused it. He is a dick. You deserve someone who thinks you are stunning and tells you often. Bin him off.

DemelzaandRoss · 29/09/2019 22:00

Please don’t waste any more of your life with this man.
He’s clearly ‘Not that into you’
You deserve better.

GlitterSparkle85 · 29/09/2019 22:17

Wow if its enough to upset you and is making you feel this way then something is wrong. How would he feel if it was the other way round?sounds like he mat have been testing the waters first before he did and why did he keep it from you if its "innocent"?try working on yourself and if you think you can get through it maybe some counselling to understand why hes behaving in such a way I'd say give it one more real try to get to bottom of it before you give up it's sad to give up on someone when there was or is once love there sorry you've had to go through this. You will get through it and eventually the hurt will stop X

Justaboy · 30/09/2019 21:28

Unfortunately as the (much) higher earner, I stand to lose a lot more than him financially if we did divorce

Maybe and maybe not, best bet is to consult a good diviorce solicitir who will give you the full run down of who gets what and who pays for that too.

When push comes to shove;!.

Though I bet you wish it coudl all sort its elf out this OW would dispapper and it all be how it used to be before it all blew up!