Not to want to make my kids write physical thank you letters if they've texted/emailed/said thank you in person?

[Isthisrudeornot]

DD is 16 and DS is 9, almost 10. DH's family insist on thank you letters for every present. So much that they will ring up DH a week or so after said birthday/christmas to check if DD/DS liked the present as they haven't had a thank you letter. As in, a thinly veiled disguise for 'where is my letter'

I hasten to add that DD has a phone and will text people the minute she opens presents to say thank you. DS doesn't but I send texts/emails on his behalf. They both think that if they have said thank you another way (text, phone call or email), they shouldn't need to write a physical thank you letter. I do actually agree with them, but DH thinks a thank you letter is required for all presents, even if the person was there when you opened it and you said thank you at the time!

So the minute they've opened their birthday or christmas presents, DH harps on at them to write thank yous, when they go 'ive already thanked so and so!' he tells them they're being rude and ungrateful and he'll tell so and so not to get them anything next year.
The other problem is DH's idea of a 'proper' thank you letter is at least 1 side of a4 fully covered, all well and good but if they have 10 of them to write that's a lot of work! DH has been brought up like this though, and insists he had to do it, so his kids will too. I think it's over the top. As long as everyone is thanked, I don't see the drama. AIBU?

YANBU- As long as you thank everyone in one way or another it's fine

YABU- - Everyone should write thank you letters no matter if they've already said thank you another way

I would say, “Actually, the children prefer to say thank you in person or over email/text, and I’m not going to insist on letters.” It’s up to the other party if that means they no longer want to give presents.

YANBU. Your DH and his family need to get with the times. Any form of thank you should suffice.

I don't know why I haven't got these voting buttons everyone else seems to have but YANBU.
These days a thank you can be by any medium, the important think is that it is made.
I get very annoyed when we send gifts and don't even get an acknowledgement!

As this is very important to your husband would he not agree to a compromise of a thank you card, rather than an A4 missive?

A full on a4 letter? Really?
God if your that needy I'd rather you didn't bother with presents tbh .

They are meant to be fir the receiver not the givers sense of validation and recognition.

Is there a reason DS doesn’t send his own thank yous?

I agree absolutely an email would suffice however I think it’s important children do their own. If he doesn’t have access to email (although he could use yours!) just buy a stock of thank you cards and get him to right a sentence if he’s able.

I was made to write thank you letters and in the end refused to accept any presents or have a party because I knew the short term gain wasn’t worth the hours of pain having to write thank you letters afterwards.

I think I had just had my one and only birthday party and had spent weeks writing the thank you letters.

The people who ask for a thank you letter do they give out thank you letters, one side of an A4 sheet long to everyone who have them presents

I thought this sort of thing went out years ago.

Say thank you but no need to put pen to paper.

Your dc could do what I did and refuse to accept presents from people who want a thank you letter in reply.
Then they also won’t need to buy a present for these people either.

Seems like a win win all round.

Written thank yous are a bit over the top. I dont particularly enjoy recieving them

I think if they are personally saying thank you by phone/text/in person then a letter isn't necessary, however you say sometimes you text on their behalf. At their ages I would expect the thank you to be sent from them personally.

Is there a reason DS doesn’t send his own thank yous?

I’m guessing because at 9 he doesn’t have a phone yet? I think MN generally go with High School = Phone.

I detest thank you cards/letters.

I give gifts because I want the person to like them, not because I need to be thanked profusely and made to feel special.

YANBU OP.

@JacquesHammer DS has mild SN and is quite young for his age. He does say thank you to people in person but I normally end up doing the texts! I've been meaning to start getting him to do his own though, will probably do that for his next birthday.

Would anyone who voted YABU be able to explain their thoughts on this please? It'd be useful for another perspective on this.

The enforcement of formal gratitude turns the giving of a gift from a act of grace to one of narcissism...

... is how my letter would begin!

Haha agree cendrillon

I’m guessing because at 9 he doesn’t have a phone yet? I think MN generally go with High School = Phone

Not at all. As I said further in my post he could have tapped out an email on his parents’ account!

Sorry but thank you letters are necessary for anything other than the tiniest gift. Packet of fruit pastilles, no but a makeup pallet, yes.
They don’t have to be long complicated letters but they should be handwritten.
Buy some correspondence cards. It makes it easier. I’d not nag immediately but would expect them written within a couple of days.

If they know it matters to a small group of people who love them and their other parent agrees, then they should do it if only to show they consider another person's feelings over their own.

Being a family member includes the inconvenience quirks and the presents.

However, since your DH is the one in favour, I would tell him to organise getting it done and suggest he compromise with thank you notelet cards.

That's way over the top. A text or just to say thank you in person is plenty. Your kids need time to enjoy their presents. This just takes the fun out of it. We have moved on and your dh and his family need to now.

I think it's lovely of your dh and his family to want to do that, I always wrote short thank you notes to my relatives when younger. Even if they'd been there when the gift was opened. It's heartening to know others still do too!

I wasn't forced to do this though or badgered by my relatives to receive them. My mum just brought me up on her own and she taught me to do this.

Is this a reverse?

They don’t have to be long complicated letters but they should be handwritten

An email is just as acceptable and far more environmentally friendly!

Our rule has always been (and it is non-negotiable) that you say thank you in a way appropriate to the giver. So in person for some, via email for others and via letter for a couple.

As a child I had to write thank you letters for every birthday and Xmas. We would sit with a pen and paper whilst opening presents. Had no problem thanking people but I hated the chore of the letters. It really took the shine of the day.
So with my kids they do not have to write thank you letters. What we do is call family on Xmas or birthday so my kids can thank them personally.
Had a few grumbles from in laws but I just explained they'd rather say thank you. The kids have phones so we usually send pics of kids enjoying/wearing presents.
As long as the giver us thanked, does it matter how the thanks is given?

I'd rather have a text. Hand written is just a waste of card and paper and feels a bit forced.

YANBU. As long as they’re saying thank you in some way that’s fine.

Thanks everyone, I will definitely be making DS do his own thank you's this year! DH is reluctant to do notecards, says it is 'cheating' and seems to think length of letter= level of gratefullness which isn't the case! Tbf if they don't write them (didn't bother last christmas as DS had been in and out of hospital and DD in the run up to GSCE'S (she did still send texts!) DH gets crap off his family who think they're rude and ungrateful. They also don't really know what to write apart from 'thanks for the such and such' and spend way longer than they should trying to figure out what to write!

Last year for DS's birthday, DH's gran even complained about his handwriting for her letter!!

As long as thank you is said via some medium, I can’t see much problem. I find it a bit disheartening and entitled when presents aren’t acknowledged at all, but can see that’s not what’s happening here.

My father had me writing thank you cards to people. That was fine as a child, respectful, there was no internet, oldies appreciated it.
However I was still expected to do so when I was 45 and had thanked them in person when I opened the gifts and they never thanked me in writing for mine! FFS!
It’s old school.
It fine to encourage kids to do this to improve their writing and so the family is happy, but it has got stop at some point or you’ll be writing feckin thank yous in your 40s like me to keep the peace!

When did your DP stop writing his? Or does he still do them?

I think a text or email of 20 words including the ‘love you, from dc’ etc is perfectly acceptable nowadays.
Or a special phonecall (Not a tagged on “oh by the way dc wants to speak with you” at the end of a call).
Or notelets or printed thank you cards.
Buy some card making stuff and make a bunch one rainy day and put them by for use during the rest of the year.
DP should move with the times. Nobody wants to associate a gift with a bunch of hassle afterwards. Tell the oldies about DC learning about being environmentally friendly and that’s why a text or email is the preferred method to thank you, no disrespect intended, it’s what the world is teaching us now, I’m sure you’ll understand yada yada as an excuse if necessary.