Not to want to make my kids write physical thank you letters if they've texted/emailed/said thank you in person?

[Isthisrudeornot]

DD is 16 and DS is 9, almost 10. DH's family insist on thank you letters for every present. So much that they will ring up DH a week or so after said birthday/christmas to check if DD/DS liked the present as they haven't had a thank you letter. As in, a thinly veiled disguise for 'where is my letter'

I hasten to add that DD has a phone and will text people the minute she opens presents to say thank you. DS doesn't but I send texts/emails on his behalf. They both think that if they have said thank you another way (text, phone call or email), they shouldn't need to write a physical thank you letter. I do actually agree with them, but DH thinks a thank you letter is required for all presents, even if the person was there when you opened it and you said thank you at the time!

So the minute they've opened their birthday or christmas presents, DH harps on at them to write thank yous, when they go 'ive already thanked so and so!' he tells them they're being rude and ungrateful and he'll tell so and so not to get them anything next year.
The other problem is DH's idea of a 'proper' thank you letter is at least 1 side of a4 fully covered, all well and good but if they have 10 of them to write that's a lot of work! DH has been brought up like this though, and insists he had to do it, so his kids will too. I think it's over the top. As long as everyone is thanked, I don't see the drama. AIBU?

YANBU- As long as you thank everyone in one way or another it's fine

YABU- - Everyone should write thank you letters no matter if they've already said thank you another way

I’m a great devotee of the thank you note - and I get my kids to write them, so I don’t think your DH’s sentiment is unreasonable. BUT - a postcard/notecard is entirely sufficient! In fact, that’s what correspondence cards were designed for, surely? (Dear Gran, Thanks so much for the lovely scarf! Can’t wait to wear it. Hope to see you soon. Love X xxx = perfect)

Do you get letters when you gift to his family?

He, and they, are ridiculous but you should compromise on thank you cards.

I'd much prefer it if my kids didn't receive any presents at all and I don't like them having too many toys. I know them and what they like to play with and would just rather buy them things myself.

So go for this approach and then no need for thank you letters. Simples

I understand that young children's artwork may not exactly be things you'd want to display or use. Bit this behaviour is unacceptable and I'd call them out on it.

I tend to go with point making but passive aggressive eg, "Dd spent four hours making you that because she knows you like trains. Look she's even coloured it in in your favourite colour and used a wrapper from the chocolates you gave her last time you saw her. She saved it especially." Then they're forced to acknowledge it and Dd feels happy that her effort is noticed. Bless her, she does love personalised crafting

DH writes to his 96 year old aunt several times a year. He hates writing, but he feels it is worth it because she loves it

I think that's lovely of him Goat, and do agree that exceptions can be needed with the very aged - not least because they're less likely to access texts and email, and hearing issues can sometimes make phone use difficult

It's about "knowing your audience" though, and surely the consideration needed to do that is the essence of what this whole thing's about

It isnt a problem if children dont send letters but as a grandmother I get great joy from their letters, not the forced formal thank you for my gift, but a couple of lines of chatty individual thoughts and amybe a drawing. A text cuts for nothing except to let me know thw gift has arrived. I would never mention it If I didn't get one but I would be disappointed. I long since stopped sending presents to neices who couldnt be bothered to make a personal contact. Its not the rules, or even the manners ( although children should learn courtesies) but it is being thoughtful to someone who has taken the time to give you something. Mothers who dont think this is a common courtesy are short of a few manners themselves

Funnily enough I'm sitting here writing thank you notes myself. I think an A4 letter is over the top but a hand written note is very nice, a bit old school and thoughtful. I like to do it because I think it's appreciated by a lot of people, it's personal and it's always nice to get pleasant post.

That said, it often does take me a while to get round to so probably does make me look ruder in the interim than an immediate phonecall or text! Swings and roundabouts!

I have younger relatives who send texts, often with photos, which I also think is nice. Again, I think it's the personal touch that's most important.

Thank you is thank you, however it is conveyed! Texts and emails can have photos attached which is lovely. Written thankyous on notecards are perfectly appropriate and can be the only way for an aged GGP who is not techno conversant and is too deaf for phone conversations to be thanked.

Your OH and his family are setting up absurd hoops for your DC to jump through and even sneering when they stumble. That is neither loving nor generous. Their gifts are really tests.

If such people decide not to give in future, everyone gains.

I sent a nice baby outfit when the daughter of a close friend had a baby and didn't get even a short note/text/whatever of thanks.

I can’t stand this. It’s something only someone who has never had a newborn with colic would say. It’s actually incredibly rude and lacking in basic empathy to expect a new mother to write thankyou cards when she’s got enough on her plate. It’s bordering on narcissism.

I think some people go completely over the top when it comes to buying something for babies of adult children of their neighbour/random friend/colleague. The links are so tenuous sometimes. For DS1 I had people I hadn’t never even met sending me presents via my mum. Half of it never got used as all my close family and friends who hadn’t bought gifts had actually had conversations with us in person about what we needed, so all the rest of the gifts from people I didn’t even know just got duplicated or whatever.

I’m sure they had enjoyment looking at baby outfits when they bought the gifts as some women of a certain age seem to like that, but to be honest it just gave me a load of stress and hassle wondering what to do with or where to store the multitude of babygrows or outfits that were seasonally inappropriate etc. If I had thought they were slagging me off because I hadn’t sent them a thankyou card for their frankly unwanted gift then that probably would have sent me over the edge, in my sleep deprived state and with breastfeeding failing.

All my close family and friends who had bought gifts...

I actively don't want new parents to waste a second of their precious free time sending me a thank you card. Have told people not to bother before when they've asked for my address.

Thank you letters fill me with dread. I hated writing them as a child. It really spoiled the act of receiving a gift. I would happily not have had the present in the first place if it meant not writing the letter.

My DM goes mental if she doesn't get a thank you. She holds grudges and still goes on about when my cousins didn't send a letter in 1985, and refers to other family members like this: "cousin xxx, who never sends me thank you letters". Nuts! She often writes thank yous to the thank yous.....where does it stop?!

I think a thank you in person is sufficient, and an email or phone call is OK if you haven't seen the giver. My DS1 is dysgraphic and I can't bear to see the upset writing a letter causes him.

That said, I always write a (very short) thank you note to the children from my class who gave me a little something at the end of term. I do think it's polite, even if it's very short.

I can’t stand this. It’s something only someone who has never had a newborn with colic would say. It’s actually incredibly rude and lacking in basic empathy to expect a new mother to write thankyou cards when she’s got enough on her plate. It’s bordering on narcissism

She just wanted a thanks ! Newborns are not that bad that you can’t even spare a few minutes to say thanks for your
Present 😖

Nah, thinking that the mother of a newborn (because let's be honest, this is a wifework thing and it isn't the dads who come in for it) is doing something wrong not to organise herself sufficiently to arrange cards and stamps, write them and post them, at a time when a lot of women can barely manage a shower and three meals a day, is pathetic. Anyone who sees their arse because they didn't get a thank you card in that situation needs to give their head a serious wobble.

It is wifework, though. I've never come across men being nagged for thank you cards.

I believe a thank you is a thank you, in whatever form and doesn't need a follow up card.

It's bad for the environment. Say no on those grounds.

I was forced to do this as a child too....i would also have rather gone without the gift...my children always said thank you in person or via the phone....I have never made them write letters...how ridiculous....how many thank yous do these gift givers need!!!

My parents always used to make me write 'thank you' notes, even though I would much rather have phoned people for a chat - which surely would have been even more personal?

But to demand them.. no. You don't give to receive. You don't give a child a present because you want them to drop to their knees and be so so very thankful for it.

Although. I'm lucky enough to still have my grandparents, and they stopped giving gifts to my cousins years ago, because they never hear from them or see them since they have become adults. My brother and I still visit at least every couple of weeks, and call/text, but my cousins - nothing. I don't think there's any excuse to do that to your grandparents who helped bring you up, and they found it hurtful. So.. if it offends them that much not to be thanked.. don't gift!

Tell dad they don't know what to write and could he write something out that they can adapt/personalise.
If he can't be bothered to help the children why should they be bothered to do it either.
If he does do it then the children should all do one together, bit of family news and a thank you each for their present. However we live in a digital age and these can be copy and pasted etc then emailed.
People don't get to say how they receive their thanks. That's weird and controlling.

A gift doesn't bring much joy if it mandates hours of extra "homework"

It's the sentiment of "thank you" that matters, not the form of it.

An obligation to post a written thank you is not in the spirit of giving a gift in the first place. Doing it because you know the recepient/ original giver will treasure it is different to them expecting and demanding it.

It's hard enough to get my dyslexic and dyspraxic 8yo to write " To John Love from Bob xxx" on a birthday card for his friends because holding a pencil is physically difficult and painful for him, and every word has to be spelled out, including his own name. I am not going to torture him by making him write thank yous when there are plenty of other ways he can express his gratitude.

I did hand make, write out and post off the thank you cards within 3 days of our wedding. Many guests had gone to a lot of effort to attend, been generous and were not going to be seen in a hurry. A formal response to a formal occasion was appropriate. By the christenings, life was too hectic with babies.

A gift doesn't bring much joy if it mandates hours of extra "homework

This was why as a child I refused to have presents much to my mothers disgust

I think it's important to say thank you but a text, phone call, email or whatsapp is fine. No need at all for a long epistle of the sort I had to write where I had to say what a ovely time I'd had for Christmas/birthday etc. Aaagh.

It's fine to say "dear aunty Babylon, thanks for the cash, love niece Babylonia." In my view - all you want to know is that they got it ok and have acknowledged your existence.

Obviously if you give someone something in person, it's also ok to say thank you there and then and no need to send a follow up thank you letter/text etc unless you really want to.

It's nice to get something in writing after a wedding or birth because you can send a photo but in extremis you can do that via text/message as well.

YANBU.

I used to wish aunts and uncles wouldn’t send me presents when my grandmother started to get arsey over thank you letters.

I like writing my thank yous, but if I can thank someone in person or on the phone instead, I will. I write small cards. I think your DHs family are going way over the top demanding long letters, esp if they've already been thanked.