Not to want to make my kids write physical thank you letters if they've texted/emailed/said thank you in person?

[Isthisrudeornot]

DD is 16 and DS is 9, almost 10. DH's family insist on thank you letters for every present. So much that they will ring up DH a week or so after said birthday/christmas to check if DD/DS liked the present as they haven't had a thank you letter. As in, a thinly veiled disguise for 'where is my letter'

I hasten to add that DD has a phone and will text people the minute she opens presents to say thank you. DS doesn't but I send texts/emails on his behalf. They both think that if they have said thank you another way (text, phone call or email), they shouldn't need to write a physical thank you letter. I do actually agree with them, but DH thinks a thank you letter is required for all presents, even if the person was there when you opened it and you said thank you at the time!

So the minute they've opened their birthday or christmas presents, DH harps on at them to write thank yous, when they go 'ive already thanked so and so!' he tells them they're being rude and ungrateful and he'll tell so and so not to get them anything next year.
The other problem is DH's idea of a 'proper' thank you letter is at least 1 side of a4 fully covered, all well and good but if they have 10 of them to write that's a lot of work! DH has been brought up like this though, and insists he had to do it, so his kids will too. I think it's over the top. As long as everyone is thanked, I don't see the drama. AIBU?

YANBU- As long as you thank everyone in one way or another it's fine

YABU- - Everyone should write thank you letters no matter if they've already said thank you another way

I do not appreciate a thank you letter. It’s a waste of money, time, and paper. They’re cringey to read, and to write. They’re written with little joy, and they’re read by most people with less. I like an acknowledgement and thanks of having received the gift - a text, email, or call, just so I know it’s arrived safely, but a big letter is ridiculous.

My now adult DC wrote thank you letters because phones weren’t commonplace back then but even then it was only if they hadn’t said thank you in person. It seems like overkill nowadays. If I send a friend or a child a gift I’m delighted to get a text thank you or a photo /video of the child playing with the present. I’m glad to know it gave them pleasure.

My (elderly) mum sends formal thank you notes for everything. If she comes round for dinner she writes a note, when I accompany her on a hospital visit she writes me a note, if I buy her a random little gift because I think she’d like it she writes me a note. I HATE it. Quite apart from the wasteful expense of it, it makes me feel like a distant acquaintance and somehow removes the pleasure of expressing love for her by these small acts.

This thread suddenly reminded me of a moment from one of the original Mr Men books (Mr Slow):

"Last Christmas it took him until New Year's Day to open his Christmas presents. And then it took him until Easter to write his thank you letters! Oh, he was a slow man."

Just say you are worried about the effect on the environment. You are teaching your kids to use less paper. Schools and work places encourage this. It's very old fashioned and they have all obviously got too much time on their hands including your DH!

Could you take a halfway stance to move forwards - but some nice “Thank you” notelets cards and get DC to write a simple:

Dear X,
Thank you for my Y, I love it/it fits perfectly/it’s so cool...(delete as preferred)
Love Z

And this is why you rarely get any thank you note after weddings. Maybe a generic thanks to everyone on Facebook!
Something short and personalised should be sent. Just gets people into good habits.

Thank you notes are the halfway house.

But the key question is really...
I think the big question here is whether DH writes an A4 thank you letter for every present he receives?

I totally agree for general presents - a text or email or in person is definitely sufficient, there is one person I still write thank you cards for and thats my 96 year old Grandmother. I'm not going to tell her to "get with the times" haha

Personally I don't expect thank you letters for gifts. I always thought that making my kids do them for my old-fashioned in-laws was an unnecessary tradition until I found out that DH's uncle, who is always very generous with gifts, has kept every single thank you letter the kids have sent him (birthdays and Christmas). That's something like 15 years worth of letters.

Sorry I hit post by accident.

Typo - it was “buy” notelets

But then it gets the family used to something different and you have a chance to point out other ways it could change, like the texts etc, and the environmental friendliness of those while still being polite and acknowledging the presents.

I love getting texts and mesages saying thank you. I don't like letters, way OTT.

I grew up in Ireland and never either wrote or received a thank you letter as a child. You would thank people verbally at the time of receiving the present or the next time you saw them and that was enough.

In fact when I moved to the UK and started receiving thank you letters myself I actually felt they were a bit rude - a bit like receiving a receipt for your present - where it was described in detail etc - it really made me cringe - but I’m used to it now 😂

Interested to know whether other Irish mumsnetters were made to write them or was it just my family?

I was made to do thank you letters as a child. I would procrastinate until after my birthday in January so I only had to write one set, and sometimes all the way to March! I hated it but am now grateful that I was made to do them, and for the appropriate people I write a short notelet on the day now.

Your DH needs to compromise and get on the same side as your children and him now. A full side of A4 handwritten is completely ridiculously OTT, especially if they see his parents more than once a year(?). As others have asked, does he write the same? Small thank you notelets with a brief "thank you for my present I will do this with it thank you again" mesage in it to those who insist would be perfectly reasonable.

If he really will not budge and compromise, tell him that you expect exactly the same from him to each of you.

I think a 'thank you' in text is fine, as is a 'thank you' if the present has been opened in the presence of whoever bought it for you.

Notecards for presents from relatives a long distance away is nice for them and it means only a short amount can be written. I don't consider notecards cheating.

My nephew has never thanked us for birthday and Christmas presents. We usually meet up for a meal out as family and hand them over. His parents saying it when we hand them over does not suffice and is very rude.

Your DH and his family are right in requiring thanks but wrong in thinking they must receive a handwritten letter within a week. If they have mobile phones, they need to move with the times and be happy with a text message.

I'm amazed how many people here think a text is enough for a thank you. I agree an A4 side is excessive, but there is no way I'd just send a text - I'm in my 30s and still write thank you cards! You could compromise on an email if your kids dislike writing things by hand, but a text really isn't enough IMO.

You DH and his family sound like hard work. A thank you in any form should be fine. A side of A4? What on earth are they expected to write that could go on that long. I think thank you cards/letters are old fashioned, I've received them from a couple of children who have parents that make them write them. It seems forced and that's because it is.

Good grief- I consider myself a capable letter writer but I would struggle to fill an A4 sheet of paper with a thank you. What on earth do they end up rattling on about? How much can you really say about the gratitude you feel for the lovely pencil case/book/iTunes gift card?

Your husband's family is nuts. A written thank you is lovely but a small card is enough. An email is enough. A text is enough.

Personally I really like to receive a text with a photo of the child wearing/playing with it, no note required.

If someone's teen or tween sent me an A4 letter expressing their thanks I would just feel embarrassed for everyone involved.

Hovering over a child opening a present and then immediately pestering about them writing a thank-you letter? Losing "points" with one's own social circle because somebody didn't write thank-you letters after a wake?

My father was like this. We would open presents from his sisters at Christmas and birthdays and even before the wrapping paper was in the bin he would be aggressively demanding that we put pen to paper: he was afraid about the sisters judging HIM in some way. (Which they might have done, that whole family was enmeshed and very screwed-up.) Of course, his fussing and aggression would spoil the occasion .something he never showed remorse for.

OTOH, giving someone a present and getting no thank you at all seems to have become increasingly common. I sent a nice baby outfit when the daughter of a close friend had a baby and didn't get even a short note/text/whatever of thanks.The friend herself (unprompted, I didn't mention this) said "I have never expected my children to say "Thank you" for presents." I don't expect eternal gratitude (or A4-length letters) but that's just graceless and rude.

A whole side of A4??
Even when I was a child in the very olden days we weren't expected to write more than one side of standard letter paper (a lot smaller than A4) or a side of children's stationery - which was even smaller.

Yanbu, they're a ridiculous waste of time. Of course a thank you should be given, but insistence on old fashioned modes of communication is ridiculous.

I was one of those kids that was forced to send a massive thank you letter for every single gift. I had said thanks in person and had conversations about the gift. I stopped accepting gifts.
People I didn’t see I would happily send a letter. But usually we wrote to each other during the year anyway.

My exes family were the same. They came over for Christmas one year. Stayed with us from a few days before Christmas and left early January.

When they went home we got a very irate call as there was no thank you letter waiting for them. The dc’s were still really young and in previous years ex had been writing on behalf of the dc’s. They didn’t talk to us for months. There was no need for a letter, they had been thanked in person. They had seen the dc’s using/wearing their gifts.

ffswhatnext

Your exes family sound like hard work. Did you get a thank you letter for the kind hospitality you showed them over Christmas and New Year?

I only like receiving Thank You letters when they are from official bodies - like organisations and charities where i did something for them.
Thank you letters from kids - i have never received them, and as a child - hated doing them. In my world it is customary to say thanks in person or over the phone. Also... to give a present what it's that person's occasion.

My young children love to make handcrafted items for their relatives for Christmas and birthdays, or just because. They often put hours of effort into a very personal picture or model they think the recipient will like.

Interestingly, they have yet to receive a thank you card from any of their relatives. They barely get a thank you in person, and their creations are often not displayed or used. Sometimes they are received with a sneer or sarcastic comment. This includes relatives who feel they should receive thank you cards for gifts to the children. (Even though a hastily bought gift often has a lot less effort put in than my children's crafts). We decided not to do thank you cards from the beginning, as if gifts see not given freely then they shouldn't be given at all imo. I don't want to participate in the trade of obligations.

We mostly make a phone call to thank for parcels not opened in front of the giver.

Sometimes they are received with a sneer or sarcastic comment.
I understand that young children's artwork may not exactly be things you'd want to display or use. Bit this behaviour is unacceptable and I'd call them out on it.