Not to want to make my kids write physical thank you letters if they've texted/emailed/said thank you in person?

[Isthisrudeornot]

DD is 16 and DS is 9, almost 10. DH's family insist on thank you letters for every present. So much that they will ring up DH a week or so after said birthday/christmas to check if DD/DS liked the present as they haven't had a thank you letter. As in, a thinly veiled disguise for 'where is my letter'

I hasten to add that DD has a phone and will text people the minute she opens presents to say thank you. DS doesn't but I send texts/emails on his behalf. They both think that if they have said thank you another way (text, phone call or email), they shouldn't need to write a physical thank you letter. I do actually agree with them, but DH thinks a thank you letter is required for all presents, even if the person was there when you opened it and you said thank you at the time!

So the minute they've opened their birthday or christmas presents, DH harps on at them to write thank yous, when they go 'ive already thanked so and so!' he tells them they're being rude and ungrateful and he'll tell so and so not to get them anything next year.
The other problem is DH's idea of a 'proper' thank you letter is at least 1 side of a4 fully covered, all well and good but if they have 10 of them to write that's a lot of work! DH has been brought up like this though, and insists he had to do it, so his kids will too. I think it's over the top. As long as everyone is thanked, I don't see the drama. AIBU?

YANBU- As long as you thank everyone in one way or another it's fine

YABU- - Everyone should write thank you letters no matter if they've already said thank you another way

What fucking decade are some people living in?? Honestly, I would just tell them to shove their presents tbh! I would rather receive nothing than have to write multiple thank you letters for moaning, egocentric relatives!!!

I also remember writing them as a child they ALWAYS read like this:
Dear Aunty X,
Thank you so much for my XX, I am really looking forward to wearing it/ using it for X.
We went to X for my birthday, I really enjoyed X.
Hope you are well, Look forward to seeing you soon,
Love, X

YANBU.

It's a load of old tosh.
I'd be a dick and compose a letter on the computer.

To
Thank you so much for the
It's the best gift I've ever received and I will treasure it and pass it onto my own children one day so they can continue to treasure it forever.
You were always my favourite relative.

Yours with eternal gratitude,

Just print a copy whenever and fill in the gaps.

Saying thank you for a gift is fine. This long winded letter writing nonsense will die out soon.

And agree with PP. Your husband should be made to write a full A4 letter for every gift he receives too.

My nephew stopped saying thank you for presents (money) at 16. So we stopped sending them. Win - win.

Whatsnewpussyhat

Excellent!

Jesus how pathetic! They need to get over themselves..its2019 not1950?! Think of the wasted paper..Of course its fine NOT to write!..id laugh at anyone in my circle suggesting such nonsenses..EXp parents were like this..used up a coupla trees a year on Hallmark drivel-(not an original sentiment or thought amongst any of them)..u name it,it was marked by a card😨.Worse still they expected me to be firing them back😂As if.

I have always expected my children to send thank you letters for presents, and at 22 and 19 they still do. Not A4 though!

They stopped writing to thank school friends at about secondary age, though, on the grounds that no one else did. I didn't bother arguing with that.

The handwritten thank you letter is something I think of as a very British obsession practice and imo it's old fashioned and completely unnecessary. Does a thank you really not count if it's by text, phone call or in person? Also, are stamps particularly cheap in the UK? I'd have to spend €10 or more for each dc to send thank you letters every birthday and Christmas. So @ €40 a year on stamps .

I'm quite happy to get a message, often accompanied by a photo of a delighted DN clutching their gift and (if sent by the child borrowing mums phone) usually lots of 💕 type things and happy emojis. Far preferable to a handwritten letter when you know the poor child has been made sit down and use their best handwriting to write god knows how many letters.

I'm definitely in the minority here but I have just insisted on DD (7) writing thank you notes to her friends who came to her party and bought her a gift. I think that if someone has taken their time to buy her a gift, they should be thanked properly. We didn't open the presents at the party therefore she couldn't thank them properly at the time. She wrote a few lines eg "thank you for my present, I love the pens" so it wasn't excessive. Plus she got to practice her handwriting and spellings. I was asked to write thank you letters as a child and I think it helped to develop my communication skills.
Admittedly OP your DH's family sound excessive. We don't write thank you letters to immediate friends or family, usually because we are with them when the presents are opened therefore they receive their thank you at the time. I also wouldn't expect the letter to be one side of A4, especially to immediate family members who they will likely see quite often.
I guess I'm more in the middle of YABU and YANBU. Maybe suggest that you all write thank you letters, not just the children, and see how enthusiastic he is about that. He may reconsider.

I used to get mine to do thank you cards, and would send a wee photo with the cards. Now they're older and nobody can be arsed with that shite, we send people a photo message and everyone seemed happy with that!

I wasnt made to write thank you letters as a child. A simple thank you face to face or over the phone is sufficient. I certainly don't force my children to either.

I make my children do it, because I know grandparents etc appreciate it, but I really think an email or text should be perfectly acceptable. What is it about writing it on paper that makes it the only 'proper' way to thank someone fgs?

Can you get some little thank you cards and have them do thank you cards to that side of the family? It might be some middle ground so they still get their thank you letters but there’s very little room in the card so your kids don’t have to say much at all?

I don’t get thank you letters for this day and age. When I send gifts to my dns then I get a thank you via WhatsApp either personally if they’re old enough or via their parents, if not.
But even better is when they call me personally to say thanks and we have a chat. That beats any pointless formal letter.

DH family think thank you letters are silly and unnecessary and sort of violates the idea of not giving to receive. They caught me writing a big list of thank yous for gifts after DS was born and thought it was absolutely ridiculous given that I had a new baby to look after and assured me that nobody on their side was expecting it with pointed looks at DM in case she was pressuring me to do it.

I'm on the fence with this one. I know it seems old-fashioned, but thank you letters really mean a lot to some people, so I would say that they should be written for those who would appreciate them. And particularly for relatives children don't see very often, and who weren't there when the present was unwrapped.

I was always made to write thank you letters as a child, and didn't like it much at the time, but very glad I did. My brother and I used to get Christmas and birthday money from a lovely elderly gentleman who was a relative's neighbour. We wrote him thank you letters, just saying what we'd spent the money on and what we'd been up to. My brother hated writing so his used to be as short as he could make them! When the gentleman died we were in our teens, and we found out that he had kept every one of the thank you letters we had written next to his chair, and used to read and re-read them.

Is there a way you could make the writing of them easier? E.g. type them on the computer and have a template letter which is the same apart from the first sentence where you thank the giver for the specific gift? If you have a set format as well that would make it a lot easier - e.g. paragraph 1 how they have used the present/why they particularly liked it, para 2 what they've been up to in their hobbies, para 3 what they've done in school, etc. I understand this would be more difficult if it's a relative they see all the time.

It’s ridiculous to say thank you twice. If you have thanked in person, over the phone via talking or messaging then that should be enough. If you are that desperate for a thank you card then something is wrong and clearly you don’t give gifts just to give them, you want recognition more than once and that is weird.

The point about letters is that they can be a permanent record of a particular event or time.
I have a letter I wrote to my Aunt, when we were evacuated during the war, in which I thanked her for sending me Sunny Stories(a fortnightly children's publication), and telling her my mother would be posting a rabbit (dead, off-ration meat) to my grandmother.
I also have a couple of letters from my brother when I was at university. One mentions an Elvis Presley film when the girls in the audience cried because Elvis had his hair cut when he enlisted; the other says how two of his school friends were at the Lewisham train crash and assisted with the injured until one had to go home 'due to a weak stomach'.

eddiemairswife As sweet of a memory that is, we can keep texts and emails these days too. Back when you sent the letter you probably couldn’t call and you certainly couldn’t text or send an email so a thank you letter made sense especially as it was more than a thank you letter and also letting the person know how you are, we don’t need to do that these days.

We always had to write thank you cards on Boxing Day and the day following our birthdays. My DD was born abroad and I did write to thank people when they sent gifts. She's now 21 and it's entirely her choice to continue this - she is aware that her elderly relatives appreciate a handwritten letter/card and kept in touch that way throughout university. I don't think it takes much effort and is a lot more personal that the generic texts I receive from some of my nieces.

But I bet people don't keep their emails and texts for decades.

Do the children ever receive thank you letters? It could be easier for them to appreciate the value of them if they occasionally receive them.

I wouldn't insist on writing a physical letter for presents, but saying thank you is important. I think the trick is to get them to do it without presenting it as a chore (easier said than done, I know): showing them thank you letters you may have received, and making sure they receive thank you letters too. I remember the joy of receiving one, when I was seven, which said "it was lovely to see you on holiday, thank you for reading so many stories to my daughter".

While I do believe in saying thank you for presents, I have loads of memories of being forced to write not only thank you letters, but many other things as well. My mum (a teacher) loved doing all kinds of writing, and still does, but she had a way of turning it into a chore. As well as thank you letters, she was big on making me write diaries (because she loved doing this herself), especially in school holidays. I remember loathing this, as it felt like doing school work. I remember also the realisation that school trips were always followed by having to write about them. When I started secondary school, she micromanaged and proof-read my homework; I rebelled and got into a huge spiral of lying about it, and getting really behind with it.

I remember as a teenager seeing the programme 999, which was about false 999 calls, mostly made by children: there were shots of the apology letters they had clearly been made to write, complete with childish handwriting. I noticed also that it was mostly boys who made the prank calls, and a girl who made the heroic call to save her dying mum. (Gender stereotyping?)

Funnily enough, I enjoyed writing later, when I was no longer forced to do it. When I started at university in 1998, and not everybody had email, I sent handwritten letters to friends, and I remembered the joy of receiving their reply, especially if several of them did it on one piece of paper.

Mine write thank you notelets to everyone a day or two after Christmas. I made them do it when they were young and they do it automatically now. Every year people comment on how lovely it was to get a hand written note. A little effort on the kids part doesnt kill them and teaches them to be appreciative and well mannered.

An A4 letter! That's bonkers!

My DC send thank you cards (they're 8), but they are just coloured in cards with 'Dear X, Thank you for BLAHBLAH, Love x'