Not to want to make my kids write physical thank you letters if they've texted/emailed/said thank you in person?

[Isthisrudeornot]

DD is 16 and DS is 9, almost 10. DH's family insist on thank you letters for every present. So much that they will ring up DH a week or so after said birthday/christmas to check if DD/DS liked the present as they haven't had a thank you letter. As in, a thinly veiled disguise for 'where is my letter'

I hasten to add that DD has a phone and will text people the minute she opens presents to say thank you. DS doesn't but I send texts/emails on his behalf. They both think that if they have said thank you another way (text, phone call or email), they shouldn't need to write a physical thank you letter. I do actually agree with them, but DH thinks a thank you letter is required for all presents, even if the person was there when you opened it and you said thank you at the time!

So the minute they've opened their birthday or christmas presents, DH harps on at them to write thank yous, when they go 'ive already thanked so and so!' he tells them they're being rude and ungrateful and he'll tell so and so not to get them anything next year.
The other problem is DH's idea of a 'proper' thank you letter is at least 1 side of a4 fully covered, all well and good but if they have 10 of them to write that's a lot of work! DH has been brought up like this though, and insists he had to do it, so his kids will too. I think it's over the top. As long as everyone is thanked, I don't see the drama. AIBU?

YANBU- As long as you thank everyone in one way or another it's fine

YABU- - Everyone should write thank you letters no matter if they've already said thank you another way

I had to do this as a child and hated it so I’ve never forced mine. I also hate all that passive agressive stuff in behalf of the people who’ve given the present. A family friend very ostentatiously stopped giving me presents after my response to my 18th birthday present wasn’t sufficient. She carried in buying for my siblings well into adulthood. I didn’t give a fig but she list no opportunity to bang in about it to anyone who would listen for about 30 years. YANBU.

YANBU - Thank you letters are completely unnecessary if they have already said thank you in person/on the phone/via text, etc. I've NEVER sent a thank you letter for birthday or Christmas gifts. The only time I've done this was for my wedding presents.

A4 full of writing?? Your husband sounds deranged.

When my kids received presents I used to ensure they wrote thank you letters but they were A5 sized or notelets which with a child's writing wasn't much. I just thought it was polite and was good for the child to realise that the giver had made an effort for them.

I used to give them a formula :
thanking for the gift
what they would do with it
what they had done for Christmas/birthday
any other small bit of news
end

I think a quick text can seem rather ungrateful and lacking in thought to people over a certain age but your husband's family sound crackers. And not in a good way.

I have 5 nieces and nephews who I only get to see a couple of times a year. I spend lots of time putting thought into presents and cards, bundling them up into exciting packages and sending them off. I usually get a thank you text from their parents, but not always. Mostly, it is my mum (their granny) who will make a point of telling me that they when she saw said child they mentioned how much they loved their present from Auntie Goat.

I know the presents are gratefully received and I don’t send them for the thanks, but I would be really over the moon if I ever did get a little card in the post saying thanks....

If they give such criticisms why not just put a blanket ban on presents and tell them why.

They really need to get their heads in the 21st century

What do they do with these thank you notes.
They are either binned in which case what was the point or kept and that says more about the person wanting to get some justification from buying the present.

Presents should be given not expecting anything back otherwise they teach children that if someone does something “nice” they have to do something “nice” in return.

The important thing is that people are thanked for presents. The medium (letter, card, text, email, phone call or in person) is irrelevant.

If your ds only had mild SN then I think he should be thanking people himself. When my dd was about 3 or 4 I would write her thank you cards for her but as soon as she was capable of writing a couple of sentences then I'd help her to write them herself.

DH is reluctant to do notecards, says it is 'cheating' and seems to think length of letter= level of gratefullness which isn't the case!

The correlation is in fact almost completely inverse! When was the last time he wrote an A4-length thank-you essay?

A quick text is plenty! Gifts should be given with no strings attached, not a contract where they give the gift and expect a full a4 back. That’s sucking the joy out of the occasion and like a pp said, I’d rather have no gifts and no expectations rather than get into this nonsense where relatives are harping on about children not being “grateful enough” or their handwriting not being good enough! How horrible

How big a letter does your husband send when he receives gifts off his family?

We all do them in our family. Fairly short, shows appreciation. Kids have done them since they could write. They write a template one and go from there.

I know they are a pain in the bum but they are appreciated. I gave my godson £100 for his birthday earlier in the year and the only acknowledgement was seeing on my bank statement that the cheque had been cashed. He would have got something for starting Uni, but hey ho, I changed my mind.

Flashbacks to being given notelets I didn’t even want them using said notelets to have to write tedious thank you letters on. Definition of a time waste for all concerned!

I used to make my children write thank you letters, because we didn't live near our families and it was the right thing to do. Nowadays my grandchildren send texts to thank me for their presents.

Good lord it`s 2019 my Grandchildren phones or txt me to say thank you.
I am more tan happy about that.
When I was young I used to write thank you letters as did my two sons but were talking over 25 years for them.
Life moves on so should your in-laws.
Have they got a pot under their bed still ?.

I do agree with acknowledging and saying thank you, it's polite, but I do not think the medium matters. In person, phone call, text, email or a note/ letter.

I was brought up to write proper thank you letters - these were expected to be "newsy" -which I didn't mind as I loved writing. However I would always try and do it when my dad wasn't around as he'd breathe down my neck, read every word, try and dictate what I should say. If I made a mistake, however small he'd make me start all over again. I remember once writing a funny (I thought) story about our dog stealing some margarine and being sick on the carpet and he was furious.

I can remember being almost in tears sometimes as i sat there, tired (still primary aged) writing and re-writing those bloody letters. I recall thinking that i would have happily forgone the gifts not to have to put up with it. Surely that was the opposite of the joy the gift giver hoped to bestow!

Since joining mumsnet I we also found lots of people funded thank you letters/notes irritating and twee.

My son has asd and ADHD and very poor focus/poor exercise functions. I prompt him to say thank you in a non written way and often he will without prompting which I think is absolutely fine.

My 5 year old loves decorating cards and signing her name so people, especially older relatives and family friends, tend to get one of those. (If not I will make sure they are thanked verbally by her or me.) Son (14) is happy to add a sentence re: his own gift in those cards and sign too.

I think that's enough. If people don't like it they don't have to buy presents for my children.

Yanbu i have rtft so I might be repeating. Does your DH write thank you letters for his own presents received? If not he should.

Christmas this year he can organise it and write his own at the same time. Model the behaviour he wants.

I remember my mum trying to make me write out thank you cards for her friends and colleagues after I had had my son. Baby was in nicu, I was recovering from emergency cesarean and spent my days in nicu with him. Thank you cards just didn't seem important to me. I verbally said thank you when I saw them.

I was brought up to write thank you notes and I know older relatives especially appreciated it. Not an A4 fact file but a few lines and 'thank you very much' . It's more personal than a text and shows you gave the sender some extra thought. Defo think your DH should take charge if it's his family that are bothered! We only had a very small family though so not many notes to write. I think a phone call also ticks the box, taking a bit of time to show appreciation is kind I think.

I voted YABU but actually given the age of your children I have changed my mind. Ido think thank you notes are nice and help children understand and express gratitude for presents. My DS is 2 so I do his currently but I will make him do them when he is older.

However, it will be a short note and once they get to a certain age I will let them thank people in whatever way they think appropriate. When they are small though I think it is important to instill a pattern of writing thank you cards.

Reading this thread I accept I am in the minority though! Oh and a side of a4 is absolutely ridiculous, I would never expect that!

My parents will disagree but think saying thank you in person or a call is enough. I won’t be making my daughter write thank you notes. An A4 Page is ridiculous.

I think it's sad that children don't write thank you notes (notes, not letters) anymore, when we give our nieces and nephews presents, we are lucky if we even get a mumbled thank you!

If someone can be bothered to take time out of their day to go to a kids toy shop and buy my son a gift, then I can be bothered to get him to sit down and write an age appropriate note to say thank you.

A text is ok, but it's not the same, it just doesn't demonstrate the same amount of effort.

I understand things change, but I think not bothering with thank you letters is a shame.

We always send thank you letters. They are no longer than a couple of lines and i usually include a photo of DS as my family live far away and never see him.
A4 is excessive.

I think letters are pretty rare these days, it's often a text or whatever. As long as they thank you is said, it really shouldn't matter what format it's in

All families do things differently, but I can't really see the issue here so long as they are saying thank you? They sound very precious actually.

I think thank you letters have had their day. From an environmental point of view, they really shouldn’t be encouraged. I completely understand the odd one for an aged relative who would appreciate it, but I think these days a text, email, or phone call are adequate. It is very one-sided in my DH’s family: BIL and his DC never send thank yous (BIL is single), but for some reason I am expected – yes me, not DH – to ensure my DC send thank you cards. We have had the situation previously where relatives have given my DC gifts in person, and yet have still expected a thank you card later. I do not do these, except for a few.