Not to want to make my kids write physical thank you letters if they've texted/emailed/said thank you in person?

[Isthisrudeornot]

DD is 16 and DS is 9, almost 10. DH's family insist on thank you letters for every present. So much that they will ring up DH a week or so after said birthday/christmas to check if DD/DS liked the present as they haven't had a thank you letter. As in, a thinly veiled disguise for 'where is my letter'

I hasten to add that DD has a phone and will text people the minute she opens presents to say thank you. DS doesn't but I send texts/emails on his behalf. They both think that if they have said thank you another way (text, phone call or email), they shouldn't need to write a physical thank you letter. I do actually agree with them, but DH thinks a thank you letter is required for all presents, even if the person was there when you opened it and you said thank you at the time!

So the minute they've opened their birthday or christmas presents, DH harps on at them to write thank yous, when they go 'ive already thanked so and so!' he tells them they're being rude and ungrateful and he'll tell so and so not to get them anything next year.
The other problem is DH's idea of a 'proper' thank you letter is at least 1 side of a4 fully covered, all well and good but if they have 10 of them to write that's a lot of work! DH has been brought up like this though, and insists he had to do it, so his kids will too. I think it's over the top. As long as everyone is thanked, I don't see the drama. AIBU?

YANBU- As long as you thank everyone in one way or another it's fine

YABU- - Everyone should write thank you letters no matter if they've already said thank you another way

I think the idea of a "thank you letter" is that the child has to make time to be grateful to the gift, that they go to some effort. A short text or email just doesn't represent the same kind of effort, the effort displaying the gratitude.

But with the price of stamps these days, I'm amazed that anybody makes their child write and post letters or notelets! To my mind, a specific phone call (not tagged onto another call but made specifically to say thanks), or a bespoke email of the same length as a letter (the formula someone suggested above) should suffice.

Haven’t rtft but a letter - a full A4 letter every time? Why? I honestly don’t get it :/ it’s quite narcissistic IMO and not to mention wasteful paper wise.

My FIL is like this and it drives me barmy. We had a funeral this year that was a horrible time for me and my DH and he demanded that we send thank you cards to all who attended whilst we were at the bloody wake! I still haven’t and won’t - the idea I should thank people again (I thanked them all very tearfully on the day) and dredge up the memory of the day with writing each individual card frankly disturbs me. He thinks I’m selfish and he has lost ‘points’ (whatever that means) with his social circle because I wasn’t ‘grateful enough to thank them in writing’.

It's a good habit and I'm grateful my mother made me do it.
I feel annoyed when my DNs and my godson don't acknowledge or thank properly.
Older relatives especially if they don't have much company always seemed to appreciate newsy letters, but a card with a line or two about how they've used the present or what they've been up to is hardly much effort.
I particularly appreciate a thank you when I've sent money or a voucher because I like to know what someone has spent it on ( not to judge but because that's the joy of giving and knowing someone has appreciated/enjoyed it).

I realise I sound a bit old-fashioned but I'm under 40 so maybe just lonely and fuddy!

I think writing a thank you card is a good habit to have and so much more thoughtful than an email or text. My parents didn't make me write them growing up, but I wish they had. I always write thank you cards now as an adult, and on behalf of our toddler. When she is older she will write then herself. It's good manners and I can't think why people wouldn't like to receive them! That being said an a4 letter is over the top. Just a few lines to show your appreciation is more than enough.

YANBU it's 2019 not 1910 where there were little other options but letters

The enforcement of formal gratitude turns the giving of a gift from a act of grace to one of narcissism...

Cendrillon has nailed it!

My parents made me do this as a child and I hated it. It has made me have a strong hatred of my birthday because I knew that every year I wouldn't just be allowed to open it and say "wow, thank you. I love it etc", I would have to have a big forced grin, say thank you, hand make cards and write them and then have the present that the person got and use/play with when I was in their company. If I didn't react "grateful enough" I would be told off.

Unsurprisingly I'm not fond of my parents

They asked me if I received a gift for my dc from my sister that they themselves handed to me at the party because she hasn't heard from you, because one of our dc had to be rushed into hospital that same and it was really concerning with tests etc. I did thank her eventually and usually would the same day but I felt that was extra cunty of them.

I think the big question here is whether DH writes an A4 thank you letter for every present he receives?

If not, why should the kids?

I think most people would be happy as long as they got a thank you through text or in person but if they're that bothered I'd just send them a card.

Thank you letters are pointless and stupid, and people that insist on receiving them are stupid.

I remember the dread of being forced to write thank you letters to everybody on Boxing Day when we'd much rather be playing with our new toys. My mother's family is very upper class and even if the gift-giver was thanked in person we were still expected to write a letter as well. I never send or expect thank you cards now I'm an adult, as others have said it's environmentally unfriendly when I can use other methods.

My DC sends cards. But I think a text or whatsapp message is also fine. A whole letter explaining how much they love the present and how they intend using/playing with it isn't necessary, though, IMO. Not least because modes of communication have changed and these days it's rare to see a letter written for any purpose.

I guess I fall between the two categories stated as your YABU/YANBU. I don't think a verbal thank you is sufficient (could be my own upbringing talking there, though) and I do think there needs to be something in writing. But it doesn't matter particularly what form that takes.

I make a lot of effort that family and friends on "my" side are thanked appropriately as I know they sort of expect it and that they appreciate it. I don't however take any responsibility for remembering to ring/write/text for anyone connected to their father as I see this as his responsibility. I also apply this to remembering birthdays and other things like that. The result is they obviously think I am uncaring and ungrateful but they are inherently sexist.

If its really an issue buy those tiny thank you cards, write their names in every one & just hand them out randomly 😂
They get their thank you letter, even if it's not what they expect..... But I'm petty so maybe not a good idea 😂

Mine say it in person/when they next see them/phone/message.

We send xmas cards, birthday cards, gifts. I haven't got the time or money for TY cards too. They very likely just get binned with the others anyway!

They make tree hanging decorations and drawings for their relatives, along with gifts. I think this is nicer and enough to be honest!

If they've said 'thank you' to the giver of the present then they've said thank you, whether that's in person, by text or telephone.

Insisting on a written letter is just being picky, in my opinion and requiring the child to be extra specially grateful for the 'wonderful gift bestowed on them'.

If your DH and his family insist on hand written letters perhaps a compromise could be reach whereby the child in question writes a couple of lines saying something along the lines of 'thank you for the lovely, whatever the gift is, I shall enjoy making use of it'.

That's acknowledgement that they've got the gift, they're grateful for it and will use it. What else do they need to say, and I would imagine pretty standard for most thank you letters.

To expect anything more, and certainly to expect someone to fill one side of A4 paper, is just ridiculous and smacks of self importance.

What the hell could a child possibly find to say about a present that could cover that amount of paper? Completely unreasonable to expect it.

I'd compromise. Dear Nanna thank you for the xxx you bought me, I love it! Lots of love DS

Job done

We are the opposite - DH was not bought up with any sort of thank you letter or note, I was bought up that you send one even if you saw the person on the day and said thank you. We have compromised greatly now we have our own children (all under 5). I send thank you notes from the children to all my family, and text his family. But i home make the thank you notes, so they don't say much, but have more put into them. So DS (3) did his own this year. We made postcards, i wrote the thank you note on one side, and he coloured in the other side. Even though I was bought up with long letters, I see the need for a bit of moving with the times.
And yes, i still write thank you notes for my own birthday and xmas pressys xx

Is it not also a life skill to be able to write a decent letter that is age appropriate. I have 2 stepsons and neither has the first clue how to write a letter and even worse that sometimes they actually should. It has not been enforced while growing up that it is polite to say thank you and show gratitude, in whatever form is appropriate. It's not just about thanking for presents, what about writing to someone about a bereavement or thanking for attending a wedding/very special party. Or does everyone just fire off a text these days?

If the gift-giver isn't there in person, I think a phone call, text message or email (or WhatsApp etc) is fine, especially given the price of stamps these days.

If a text has been sent then case closed for me. If family members don't like it then sorry that is tough. One thing DH and I are good at is not letting other family members views or opinions cause arguments between us.

DS is still tiny so I do his thank yous, and the medium depends on the person. If I started sending thank you cards to my close friends, they'd think I'd gone mad, they get a call/skype or a picture on WhatsApp with a thank you. If the gift is given and opened with the get I'll day thank you there and then, and then when the gift is used/worn I'll send a message with a picture saying thanks again for DS's XXX he loves playing with it, or its a lovely warm jumper etc. There are a couple of much older relatives on DHs side who live on a remote Scottish Island, I've not even met them but they send things, sometimes lovely hand knitted things for DS. I send them proper thank you cards and occasionally print a couple of pictures to include, and let them know what he's up to (walking now, had been playing in the garden etc), we don't have their numbers and MIL doubts they have smart phones. I don't think I'd even know what to say to fill a full A4 page!

@Busy77 I'd pick up the phone in those examples, much more personal.

an A4 page is ridiculous but I think writing thank yous is polite.
I was always made to write them, and still do now (nearly 30). It takes half an hour to write 6-8 short cards.
I know it makes me sound old fashioned and grumpy but if someone gives you a gift (or has you to stay) you should have the gratitude to write a little card.

That said, it's also very rude of the family to complain about quality/length of letters!

What are they handing out that required a full size of A4 to say thank you? 😂 If the prezzies are that good then i’m Happy to PM you my address to pass onto them and i’ll write a gushing response every time!

Text is fine by the way.

We did send thank you cards (handwritten) after our wedding, that's an exception I think.