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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider keeping this baby

169 replies

confusedmumof1 · 28/09/2019 21:24

i am a single mum to an 11 month old. my husband and i only separated about 4 months ago and as a rebound thing i was having casual sex with a guy. i have only known him 6 weeks and i have ended up pregnant. i am 6 weeks gone so i fell pregnant in the first few weeks. i took the morning after pill but it obviously didn’t work. this guy has ghosted me since monday and i have no idea why, today i got the positive test so i messaged him again saying i need to talk to him urgently and could we meet up. he read it but no response so i then took a picture of the test and told him we urgently needed to discuss the situation. he has since blocked my number and all forms of social media so i guess he wants nothing to do with me.

my issue now is whether i continue with the pregnancy and bring a baby into the world and struggle as a single mum with 2 kids under 2 with no help from one of the dads. i feel like the sensible thing to do is have a termination, i know nothing about this guy and i’m unsure if i would even cope on my own. but i’m struggling emotionally with the fact i have a baby that is half mine growing in me. the beginning of last year i was told i wouldn't be able to naturally conceive and now it’s like i’ve been sent two miracles and this might be my last chance to have another baby. i have an appointment booked at the abortion clinic on monday but i’m really so torn.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 28/09/2019 21:30

It depends on your situation for me. Do you work and would you get mat leave/pay? Could you afford your home if you had to either stay at home or pay for childcare for 2? Do you have family help? If the answer is no, certainly for the last 2, I wouldn't have the baby.

butterandbread · 28/09/2019 21:33

That’s a difficult one, OP, I’m sorry. I don’t know how I’d choose between heart and head in your situation.

To be honest, I think I’m probably one that would throw caution to the wind and keep the baby, but having two so young would be tough.

How would you cope financially? Do you have support from family nearby?

lilyboleyn · 28/09/2019 21:33

It’s hard having two. But then they bond and it’s wonderful. I wouldn’t be without my second, even though it was bloody tough.

You can do it without the father, but you will need support from somewhere. That said, women do it all the time on their own, don’t they.

Original poster
confusedmumof1 · 28/09/2019 21:36

@hammeringinmyhead i do work so yes would be entitled to mat pay. i also get help with some benefits as a single person so that would be there as a top up so i think financially it’s doable although money would be tight. i have told my sister and my parents as i needed their advice. they all say they will support me whatever i decide but realistically there’s only so much support they can give. it will be me getting up every night doing night feeds and then having a toddler to deal with, me with 2 lots of nappies to change etc. i feel like i know the sensible thing is to have a termination but i feel like it’s for selfish reasons

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 28/09/2019 21:36

Worst case scenario: baby is born, it’s unwell- lifelong high needs, the father stays involved only to be possessive over the baby, drags you to Court every farts end for contact, constantly letting the child down when he gets contact, constantly filling child’s head with rubbish about you, never keeping a job long enough to give you any child support, throwing his weight around, being obstructive about things like picking schools and medical care etc. His family get involved and are vile to you on a regular basis. You’re permanently firefighting the latest hassle whilst dealing with a high needs child and another older one all on your own. And it’s permanent.

Can you cope? I’ve had a taste of the above and it was hell.

the beginning of last year i was told i wouldn't be able to naturally conceive and now it’s like i’ve been sent two miracles and this might be my last chance to have another baby.

But now you know you can conceive with ease. This is not your last chance to have a baby.

user1493413286 · 28/09/2019 21:36

Have you got other support? And could you afford another baby? Although even after asking those I still think it’s a gut instinct decision and as much as I always try to engage my head rather than my heart I think this is a scenario where that doesn’t work.
It might help to go to the appointment anyway as they won’t pressure you and it might clarify it.

stucknoue · 28/09/2019 21:36

Only you can decide your capacity to care for 2 kids alone, it depends a lot on your support structure etc. Then there's the money aspect, kids aren't cheap especially nursery fees. Everyone is different, we can't tell you what is best for you

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/09/2019 21:47

OP, you have to decide what's best for you but in your position, I would terminate. You have no relationship with the father so will be doing it on your own, you are on a low(ish) income (hence the need for benefits), and you have a baby already who takes up your time, energy and resources.
Why make your life harder?

57Varieties · 28/09/2019 21:49

What a dilemma x I think I would terminate

carly2803 · 28/09/2019 21:53

as a single mum, i say this nicely. I would terminate.

I am very happy with my 1. But through choice, i wouldnt have 2 as a single mum.It happens - but why start out with 2 as single?

sorry OP, very hard situation

upups · 28/09/2019 21:54

Personally I would keep it. I would feel like I would be more likely to regret the termination than I would keeping it. It will be hard but you know that and in the years to come you will have two amazing children that will be super close since they are so close in age

inwood · 28/09/2019 22:00

Honestly I your shoes I would terminate but that's me.

PrimalLass · 28/09/2019 22:02

Tbh OP I would terminate.

Brenna24 · 28/09/2019 22:03

I can't comment for your situation but for me I would see it as getting all the broken nights and nappies over with in 1 go not 2. You already have all the stuff from number 1, so number 2 isn't going to cost a lot extra for a long time to come (especially if breastfeeding and using cloth nappies). If you think that you can cope financially then I would still stick a claim in to CMS (and consider that money a bonus if you get it). If you want to do this then do it, especially if you think that you would struggle with having a termination. If your sister or parents can have number 2 when number 1 is with their dad at least some of the time (once baby is old enough obviously) then you get to catch up one sleep, relaxation and housework then.

Josephinebettany · 28/09/2019 22:04

I would keep the baby for sure. Things will work out x

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 28/09/2019 22:08

What if it’s TWINS?? Shock (or more!)

Homemadearmy · 28/09/2019 22:10

I've been in your situation op, I didn't didn't terminate. And I don't regret having my son. But it was so hard. Not just for me, but for him to. DD used to go to her father's weekends and once he got old enough to notice he felt left out. It's hard when one gets presents etc or days out and the other doesn't. It will be especially hard with them being so close in age

Butterfly02 · 28/09/2019 22:13

Its amazing what you can cope with op I had 4 yr old then twins as a single parent (no paternal support) they're primary/ secondary school age now. I worked, and managed fine - good routine is the key. I have one with serious illness and sn and one who has minor illness. Its not been easy at times but I wouldn't have it any other way - they are the most amazing kids and as siblings have a great bond.
I'd say you don't need to rush into a decision on Monday - you need to talk it over with someone impartial and either way be at peace with your decision.

Wheelson · 28/09/2019 22:16

I would terminate. You could end up with some guy you barely know in your life forever. You clearly can conceive easily so I doubt it's your last chance to have a baby.

Pringlesfortea · 28/09/2019 22:17

I’d keep. The baby 100% .personally I know I couldn’t live with the guilt of termination

Doormat247 · 28/09/2019 22:18

I'd terminate in your situation, without a doubt.

whatthehek · 28/09/2019 22:20

Very similar thing happened to me back in March. He ghosted me too. Found out I was pregnant even after morning after pill.

I'm now 29 weeks pregnant today and he is not in the picture. He knows where I am I guess. We have spoken about it but he has no desire to be involved.

For me, I couldn't have a termination. Been through it before and it wasn't something I could do again. It's taken a while but I'm finally okay with him not being around and I've accepted it. This isn't my first child either.

No one here can tell you what to do. Only you know the answer to how you really feel.

BarbariansMum · 28/09/2019 22:20

I cant see how having another baby right now would be the responsible thing to do. How will you support it? Everything that your existing child now has - your time, your attention, your budget - will be cut in two. Yes they'll have a sibling and that's often lovely but not when you are being brought up in poverty by a mother on her knees from exhaustion.

Then there's all the hassle it's going to cause w your ex, when his child maintenance payments are diverted to pay for the new arrival. And then what you say to ds2 when dc1 goes off to daddy's and they get left behind.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 28/09/2019 22:24

I would not have that baby. There are much worse things than an abortion.

fsk53 · 28/09/2019 22:24

I think it will be unbelievably hard, but I'm also pretty sure you want to keep it, so you will. Just go along for now. If 22 week scan shows any chance of issues, rethink. Also, get the harmony test. That's what I did anyway. I was expecting my third at 39 and my husband was angry and didn't want it, but I basically told him I couldn't live with myself, so I cancelled the termination and w it was all ok, but I had to be sure-ish it would be healthy as otherwise didn't seem fair on the others. We conceived at my father's funeral so the whole thing was pretty fucked up for a while. Having three under 5 on top of dealing with the 20k of debt my dad left behind (in Germany kids are liable) just about killed me, and I did have my husband to help, so be very sure you have at least a day a week of childcare opportunities with family. But I know none of that matters to you now, and I wish you all the very best. Be kind to yourself, you'll be ok.

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