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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider keeping this baby

169 replies

confusedmumof1 · 28/09/2019 21:24

i am a single mum to an 11 month old. my husband and i only separated about 4 months ago and as a rebound thing i was having casual sex with a guy. i have only known him 6 weeks and i have ended up pregnant. i am 6 weeks gone so i fell pregnant in the first few weeks. i took the morning after pill but it obviously didn’t work. this guy has ghosted me since monday and i have no idea why, today i got the positive test so i messaged him again saying i need to talk to him urgently and could we meet up. he read it but no response so i then took a picture of the test and told him we urgently needed to discuss the situation. he has since blocked my number and all forms of social media so i guess he wants nothing to do with me.

my issue now is whether i continue with the pregnancy and bring a baby into the world and struggle as a single mum with 2 kids under 2 with no help from one of the dads. i feel like the sensible thing to do is have a termination, i know nothing about this guy and i’m unsure if i would even cope on my own. but i’m struggling emotionally with the fact i have a baby that is half mine growing in me. the beginning of last year i was told i wouldn't be able to naturally conceive and now it’s like i’ve been sent two miracles and this might be my last chance to have another baby. i have an appointment booked at the abortion clinic on monday but i’m really so torn.

OP posts:
CJsGoldfish · 28/09/2019 23:29

I'd terminate without a doubt.
I'd also rethink having unprotected sex with strangers. Does no one think about STDs anymore? You have an 11 month old and whilst I see no issue with you sleeping with who ever you like (and I mean that completely) how about you show a little more caution for your own sake and that of your child.
I actually think that having the baby is for selfish reasons rather than the other way around.

Peakypolly · 28/09/2019 23:35

No hesitation in terminating if I were in this situation.
As well as the difficulty you may find, consider the differing circumstances of each DC with their Father and how hard that will be.
It sounds like you want the baby though.

Jossina · 28/09/2019 23:36

I would terminate.

TheCatsACunt · 28/09/2019 23:36

You were given a misdiagnosis

Or misinterpreted what the doctor said. I see this a lot. Women saying they’ve been told they’re infertile, but have actually been told they may experience some difficulty getting pregnant which is something completely different.

MissPepper8 · 28/09/2019 23:37

@TimeForNewStart @confusedmumof1

Youre both insensitive, what can I say, and calling me a twat? Lovely person.

It was a horrible experience to even do the appointments leading to it and seeing a scan. Bully for you big women who can walk right in an go for a termination. Know atleast 5 friends who suffered dearly over it. Just because it wasn't hard for you doesn't mean it wasn't hard for others.

northernruth · 28/09/2019 23:40

Yep I agree it's more selfish to keep it than to have a termination. It's your choice and you have to live with it, but not everyone who has an abortion regrets it.

Also not all kids close in age "bond" and are close for life. My sister and I are 16 months apart and are not close, never really were, and it was a difficult relationship - probably in no small part because my mother was exhausted with two under two.

I'd terminate, and dad sounds like a knob.

cheeseandpickle247 · 28/09/2019 23:46

That’s a difficult one. I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in this situation. I had a termination last year in a similar situation and I would love to tell you it works out okay, but I think about that baby every single day, every hour. It breaks my heart and it’s nearly been 2 years. Of course it’s different for everyone but if I were you I’d go with my heart and not my head, because regret is the most devastating feeling.

Ellisandra · 28/09/2019 23:47

Im sorry you’re in this position. I personally would not go ahead.

It does seem like a lot of people with unplanned pregnancies on here have been told they won‘t conceive. Perhaps it’s disproportionate as more of them will take risks with contraception. That’s a general observation, not you specifically. It’s clearly not true though, so I definitely wouldn’t factor that into your thinking at all.

Italiangreyhound · 28/09/2019 23:49

confusedmumof1 having your baby is definitely not selfish and it is your choice. We cannot make it for you. But I think you can make it with head and heart.

Can you cope with two? You may not really know yet but you can do the maths on money etc and support, whatever you will get from family etc, your ex.

Do you want to terminate this baby, if not, then don't. Your choice. if you do, then you can make that choice.

Whatever you do, please do tell us how it goes.

I had one child and was told I'd never have more, the doctors got it right (and we adopted), sometimes the doctors get it right, sometimes wrong. It doesn't mean you will conceive again naturally or easily, or it may mean you do, who knows. Do what you feel is right. Thanks

edgeofheaven · 28/09/2019 23:56

I'm astonished at the number of quite young women on MN who are told they can never conceive naturally and then magically wind up pregnant multiple times.

They’re not told that. They’re told it will be difficult to conceive naturally. I know several women who have PCOS and then said they have no idea how they got pregnant because the doctor said they were infertile. PCOS is not an infertility diagnosis.

MissPepper8 · 28/09/2019 23:56

Sorry @confusedmumof1 didn't mean to tag you up there ment to tag @LoreleiRock

zzzzzzzz12345 · 28/09/2019 23:58

This is going to sound judgey and awful but two babies within two years with no present father - don’t do it. I would terminate too. And use better protection ffs. These accidents are totally avoidable. Use a condom. Always.

Moomin8 · 29/09/2019 00:04

GPs unfortunately do seem to give out unreliable advice about chances of conception when actually nobody can predict such things based on having PCOS or other conditions which may or may not affect chances.

A friend of mine was told by a GP that because she'd had chlamydia (NOT pelvic inflammatory disease), her chances of natural conception were reduced by 50%. She was devastated! But went on to have 3 dc with no problem whatsoever.

PumpkinP · 29/09/2019 00:12

I am a single parent to 4, their dad is absent. This is going to sound awful but if it was me pregnant now knowing that the father wouldn’t be around then yes I would 100% terminate. I see how it’s affecting my children already, not having a dad, it’s not just about how you feel but also the child feeling unwanted. I also think it would be sad for this child seeing your other child have a father and extended family whilst they don’t.

Moomin8 · 29/09/2019 00:17

I don't think a child needs their bio father, especially if he's a waste of space. When the child feels unwanted it's usually because dead beat dad pops in and out of their life when it suits him and with no rhyme or reason.

I think with my daughter we've been lucky. Her dad lives nowhere near us and does not make contact. Her older sisters love her to bits and so do my parents. She doesn't need him to feel validated. Or at least, at the moment she seems perfectly happy. But I will admit that I've had lots of family support.

PumpkinP · 29/09/2019 00:26

That’s a good point moomin, my ex has been in and out a lot. Seen them once after not seeing them for 2 years now gone again. But now knowing what I know I would still absolutely terminate in this situation

elizalovelace · 29/09/2019 00:40

If I were you I would consider termination. You clearly do not have problems conceiving so thats not a reason to continue with this pregnancy, your pregnancies are not miracles, they are a result of sexual intercourse.
Being a lone parent to two children is very hard, ask yourself if you are going to be able to cope alone.
I would also definitely ensure I did not become pregnant again with an unplanned pregnancy.

VenusTiger · 29/09/2019 00:44

I think you need to think about your 11 month old too and what’s best for you and DC at this time.

You should speak to a professional too @confusedmumof1 so you can work out how to feel about it all once you’ve decided (or to guide you into deciding).

Lastly, if you used contraception, did it fail? Ensure you’re properly protected in future.

Look after yourself, you’re very brave being so open about this.

caringcarer · 29/09/2019 00:46

I had two kids with only just under 10 1/2 months between them. When they were both babies it was hard work but when the eldest went to nursery it became easier. They are still close and I have never regretted it even though second child was not planned. I had a third but not until eldest was 8 years old. Personally I could not have a termination only you know if you could do that. Have you got any support from family or friends? Have you enjoyed bringing up your first child? You would get child benefit for a second child. Take your time and think it over properly. You don't have to decide on Monday.

catandadogandababy · 29/09/2019 01:16

My opinion doesn't matter. What I would do doesn't matter. All that matters is how you feel about it and how you feel you would cope. If you want the baby and feel you can cope with 2 then go ahead. I can't give you an opinion an I don't have to deal with it every day.

What do you want OP?

SpaceCadet4000 · 29/09/2019 03:32

For some women this choice is simple, either way, and for some its complex. It sounds like for you it's hard. Please take your time in this. I have had an unplanned pregnancy and the choice wasn't clear, but what helped me was thinking about how my life would be in either situation but also letting go of anyone else's judgement or expectations. If that's hard to do alone get some impartial counselling.

When I settled on termination I felt a sense of relief, which was strange as at first I wanted to keep it. Through all the thinking I realised that my thoughts about being selfish were imposed by what I thought society would say if they knew, not my own feelings.

I thought about the life I wanted to provide a child and I couldn't deliver that. A large part of the turmoil and guilt I felt were down to feeling morally obliged to progress a pregnancy but falling short on what I felt my future child deserved.

Whatever choice you make just make sure it's yours.

Orangecake123 · 29/09/2019 05:43

OP you don't know how strong you actually are until you look back at everything you've been though.

Yes having two babies will be tough but you will get through it. If you want to keep your child, keep your child.

Flowers
Lovestonap · 29/09/2019 05:58

I think for me I would terminate rather than face the inequality your children will have growing up. As a pp has said, one child will have another extended family with the care, support, attention that comes with. One won't. However, it's kind of irrelevant what I would do - you need to find some rl support to help you make your decision, and it is YOUR decision to make.

I will say that a pp has stated that it's the hardest thing a woman can go through. It really isn't. I had a termination in my early 20s and have never regretted my decision. I didn't want a baby at the time and didn't owe it to anyone to have it.

NabooThatsWho · 29/09/2019 06:04

I would 100% have an abortion. I think it would be more selfish to go ahead with the pregnancy, when you think about how many people it will impact. Focus on the child you have.

Coyoacan · 29/09/2019 06:35

But it was so hard. Not just for me, but for him to. DD used to go to her father's weekends and once he got old enough to notice he felt left out. It's hard when one gets presents etc or days out and the other doesn't. It will be especially hard with them being so close in age
My concern would be this.