Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider keeping this baby

169 replies

confusedmumof1 · 28/09/2019 21:24

i am a single mum to an 11 month old. my husband and i only separated about 4 months ago and as a rebound thing i was having casual sex with a guy. i have only known him 6 weeks and i have ended up pregnant. i am 6 weeks gone so i fell pregnant in the first few weeks. i took the morning after pill but it obviously didn’t work. this guy has ghosted me since monday and i have no idea why, today i got the positive test so i messaged him again saying i need to talk to him urgently and could we meet up. he read it but no response so i then took a picture of the test and told him we urgently needed to discuss the situation. he has since blocked my number and all forms of social media so i guess he wants nothing to do with me.

my issue now is whether i continue with the pregnancy and bring a baby into the world and struggle as a single mum with 2 kids under 2 with no help from one of the dads. i feel like the sensible thing to do is have a termination, i know nothing about this guy and i’m unsure if i would even cope on my own. but i’m struggling emotionally with the fact i have a baby that is half mine growing in me. the beginning of last year i was told i wouldn't be able to naturally conceive and now it’s like i’ve been sent two miracles and this might be my last chance to have another baby. i have an appointment booked at the abortion clinic on monday but i’m really so torn.

OP posts:
SavanahXx · 29/09/2019 20:22

Mumsnet is the worst place to ask advice over whether to keep a baby or not. No one can tell you to have a termination. I've had 3 miscarriages and even though they wasn't terminations. Id just like you to know it is both physically and mentally painful. My last MC was last week. I wasn't aware I was pregnant and had previously said things like "gosh I wouldn't like a baby any time soon"
I now find myself wrapped in so much guilt. Because I know deep down that I would of loved that baby as much as I love my DD.
Please do what you feel is right for you. Others can't guide you with this one. It's how you'd feel. Either way, it's your decision and yours alone. I wish you all the luck whichever way you go. It sounds like such a tough situation. Flowers to you x

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/09/2019 20:32

Mumsnet is the worst place to ask advice over whether to keep a baby or not.

I can think of worse places to ask tbh. But why do you think MN is the worst place?

SilverSparkle · 29/09/2019 21:07

Hi Op, I fell pregnant with my second at 11 months too. My relationship was on/off and I knew there was a very strong possibility of me being a lone parent permanently and I was right. My DC are now 13 and 15. I have no family whatsoever and their father decided he wanted to play no part at all so I did all on my own. I worked full time while they were in nursery etc. Yes, there were time it was tough but the rewarding times far outweigh those and the fact they are so close in age is great. I’ve not once regretted it. They are a blessing. I hope you make the right decision for yourself x

SavanahXx · 29/09/2019 21:39

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart I just don't agree with people put their "id have a termination" or "id keep the baby" opinions. They are not the OP, they don't know her day to day lifestyle, they don't know how she copes with things mentally, or physically. Do example. I don't deal with the physical sides of losing a baby well at all. And if I'd never of lost a child, and I listened to someone elses opinion and then terminated, id be pretty cheesed off. Id rather be told what you go through physically, and then make my own mind up. Because only I would know how I would handle it. Everyone handles things so differently. I just don't think something as big as a decision around pregnancy should be decided with the help of mumsnetters. But that's my personal opinion I guess 🤔

flirtygirl · 29/09/2019 21:43

I would not terminate. But only you know if you can cope.

I would also not listen to those who say you can have another child. Many have the thought like this and it has then not happened for them.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/09/2019 21:48

I just don't agree with people put their "id have a termination" or "id keep the baby" opinions. They are not the OP, they don't know her day to day lifestyle, they don't know how she copes with things mentally, or physically.

No-one is the Op. not here, not on other websites, not in real life. You’re basically saying Op can’t ask anyone for advice about one of the biggest decisions of her life.

SavanahXx · 29/09/2019 21:56

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart
Maybe the advice she needs should be things like what it's like physically and mentally. From professionals. My opinion is having your head filled with "you should keep the baby" or "you should terminate" doesn't really sound helpful. Because everyone will ALWAYS have a different opinion. It's not a decision that anyone but the OP can make. And either way, it's going to be a huge decision. And I don't think comments like "why didn't you use a condom" are at all right or appropriate. mumsnet just doesn't seem like the right sort of place for this type of thing. Because you will always find unhelpful/horrible comments that aren't needed.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/09/2019 22:02

MN would be defunct if we all just told everyone to speak to professionals because everything here is just opinion.

SavanahXx · 29/09/2019 22:11

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart there's having an opinion on "does this look like a positive" or "should i ring the police" or "who was in the wrong" then there's having an opinion on a subject which could potentially scar someone mentally. This is a big decision, and there are so many factors that will need to be considered. I just really feel like people shouldn't say "id terminate" or "id keep the baby" because the OP could possibly feel one way, then be swayed by someone's opinion, then regret it for the rest of her life. But it's fine for the people of mumsnet, because they don't have to live with that. The OP does.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 29/09/2019 22:35

This is a big decision, and there are so many factors that will need to be considered.

Exactly. Many of which won’t have occurred to OP and a professional won’t bring up but which many MNers have experience of and can offer advice.

You dont like that part of MN, which is fine. I’m sure you wouldn’t come to MN for that advice. That doesn’t mean it isn’t exactly what others want and is why they post.

Moomin8 · 29/09/2019 22:49

I've noticed in recent years that there is are people on MN who act like an abortion is no different than popping a paracetamol.
I do also object to this 'bunch of cells' thing that gets trotted out. Which is scientifically incorrect. There does need to be a balanced approach, especially in the light of recent threads where the OP decided she didn't want to be doing the termination halfway through.

I'm glad the OP has made a decision. Everyone is different. Sometimes you need to see other people's views to crystallise your own. I expect this thread will have helped her realise what's best for her.

Vehivle · 29/09/2019 23:30

I would keep it in your shoes. It may be your last chance to ever have a second child. To give your first child an sibling. Yes times will be tough, but you will make it. And it will be worth it. But I agree with others in that I'd ask the consultant for a genetic screen/harmony test to ensure the child has no genetic issues or disabilities inherited from the dad whom you know nothing about. For all you know this guy could be a carrier for a genetic illness hence why he immediately ghosted when you said you were pregnant. So I'd rule that all out first and if all is ok - I'd have the baby.

CJsGoldfish · 30/09/2019 00:30

I've had 3 miscarriages and even though they wasn't terminations. Id just like you to know it is both physically and mentally painful

Trying hard to see the relevance.
Of course miscarriage is mentally painful. Physically, I've never found it to be so, so how would me saying "miscarriage is physically a breeze, you go to sleep, wake up and it's done" be at all helpful?
I'm sorry for your loss but it has no place on this thread.

Italiangreyhound · 30/09/2019 00:38

@confusedmumof1 how are you doing today? Thanks

tigger001 · 30/09/2019 07:04

I think people ask for advice in these situations as they feel so overwhelmed.

I think so long as they remember a lot of people on here have had really bad experiences and are in the minority in RL, people are more likely to talk about bad experiences than good. People who talk about good things are sometimes accused of gloating or stealth boasting.

How are you OP? I hope you are feeling ok.

Rachelover60 · 30/09/2019 08:40

Moomin8
I've noticed in recent years that there is are people on MN who act like an abortion is no different than popping a paracetamol.
........
I get that Moomin. It is an option but it isn't always as easy as people think. I've known people who took a long time - even years - to get over a termination even though their circumstances were not good for having a child.

Certainly in our op's position, it's quite understandable she would want her baby. She'll have support too, even if 'dad' isn't particularly helpful. You never know, when the baby arrives he might change his tune, it does happen.

KellyMarieTunstall2 · 30/09/2019 08:47

In your shoes I wouldn't go ahead with the pregnancy. It will be very stressful for you physically, emotionally and financially.

paintedfences · 30/09/2019 09:34

But now you know you can conceive with ease. This is not your last chance to have a baby.

This! So much this. You can and will have another baby when you are ready.

Original poster
confusedmumof1 · 30/09/2019 12:08

just an update for the people who have asked how i’m doing, i’m okay. there’s still a small part of me thinking about keeping it. morning sickness is bad today which is probably why i’m thinking about it more again. i have a telephone call with the abortion clinic today so i will see how i feel after that. i’m still more leaning towards a termination but i’m still not 100% which is hard

OP posts:
Branleuse · 30/09/2019 12:43

id terminate.

SavanahXx · 30/09/2019 12:53

@CJsGoldfish a miscarriage and a termination are still passing of the baby. Alot of hospitals won't do surgical management until you are 12 weeks. So if your under 12 weeks, you'll have to be awake with the passing. And both times I've been awake it was far from a breeze. It was as bad as labour (just not as long, and by that i mean the contraction pains) I guess people must be different? So I think it is relevant if op chooses to terminate but cant get surgical management. She should know how it will be physically.

Justaboy · 01/10/2019 13:47

I've known people who took a long time - even years - to get over a termination even though their circumstances were not good for having a child

Well FWIW over time i've been involved in two abortion situations long story how and why they came about but your quite right, it does take a long time to get over them and I very often wonder even today what the children would have been like?, oddley enough that tends to happen when i meet the grandchildren!

And one of them was recommended to be termiated, wasnt be me! but he's now a strapping hansome healthy little boy growing up doted on by his mum:)

And his mum has had quite some difficult times with the father, but he too has for want of a better way of putting it! grown up into a decent dad!.

Italiangreyhound · 01/10/2019 19:38

confusedmumof1 thanks for the update.

"... there’s still a small part of me thinking about keeping it. morning sickness is bad today which is probably why i’m thinking about it more again."

Can you arrange for a counselling session to talk about how you feel and how you can handle the feelings you have around this?

"i have a telephone call with the abortion clinic today so i will see how i feel after that. i’m still more leaning towards a termination but i’m still not 100% which is hard"

How did the phone call go?

Thinking of you. Thanks

TinyTinathy · 01/10/2019 20:01

Statistically, you'll probably be bringing a pretty unhappy person into the world.

Original poster
confusedmumof1 · 01/10/2019 20:15

@Italiangreyhound the phone call went okay. I’m booked in for Thursday. Managed to make it through all the questions on the phone so thought i was Okay with my decision and then 5 minutes later broke down. Today I’ve woken up more positive again thinking a termination is the way to go. Until someone i know posted a picture of a 7 week scan on social media which then led me down the path of googling ‘what does a baby look like at 7 weeks’ i then came across pictures of miscarriage/abortion and am now a wreck again. They have said i will Have the chance to speak to a councillor on Thursday so i will Do that. I’m just a mess at the moment. I’m still more leaning towards a termination but it’s just so hard not being 100% sure. I’m thinking maybe everyone has a small amount of doubt? I dont Know.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread