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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider keeping this baby

169 replies

confusedmumof1 · 28/09/2019 21:24

i am a single mum to an 11 month old. my husband and i only separated about 4 months ago and as a rebound thing i was having casual sex with a guy. i have only known him 6 weeks and i have ended up pregnant. i am 6 weeks gone so i fell pregnant in the first few weeks. i took the morning after pill but it obviously didn’t work. this guy has ghosted me since monday and i have no idea why, today i got the positive test so i messaged him again saying i need to talk to him urgently and could we meet up. he read it but no response so i then took a picture of the test and told him we urgently needed to discuss the situation. he has since blocked my number and all forms of social media so i guess he wants nothing to do with me.

my issue now is whether i continue with the pregnancy and bring a baby into the world and struggle as a single mum with 2 kids under 2 with no help from one of the dads. i feel like the sensible thing to do is have a termination, i know nothing about this guy and i’m unsure if i would even cope on my own. but i’m struggling emotionally with the fact i have a baby that is half mine growing in me. the beginning of last year i was told i wouldn't be able to naturally conceive and now it’s like i’ve been sent two miracles and this might be my last chance to have another baby. i have an appointment booked at the abortion clinic on monday but i’m really so torn.

OP posts:

Runkle · 28/09/2019 22:26

Sorry you're in this position. I would terminate. You say the baby is half yours but is also half of someone you've only known for 6 weeks and is now ignoring you. Concentrate on yourself and your son.

Passthecherrycoke · 28/09/2019 22:28

I would terminate. 2 babies in 2 years aren’t miracles, they just mean whoever hold you you can’t conceive was wrong. Have you had sti tests?

BrendasUmbrella · 28/09/2019 22:29

I would also choose to terminate. But this is not something you should take anyone else's opinions on. Do what you feel is best for you.

LoreleiRock · 28/09/2019 22:31

You know nothing about this guy? How do you know he doesn’t have STDs? I could not have a baby in your situation.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 28/09/2019 22:35

You say you think it would be "selfish" to have an abortion.

A) selfish is only a relevant thing to worry about if someone else is inconvenienced by your selfishness. Who are you being selfish against? The father? He doesn't appear to want anything to do with the pregnancy.

B) How could it be selfish NOT to have a baby?

C) So what if you were being selfish? You are allowed to put yourself first sometimes.

Good luck with whatever you decide, OP. Do you have access to some support or counselling?

BlackNoir · 28/09/2019 22:35

Which would you regret more? Terminating or keeping the pregnancy?

LeeloD · 28/09/2019 22:38

I feel like you want to keep it and would regret terminating. Especially since you say you have family support and can cope financially. But this is obviously your decision to make not ours. Sorry you are in this situation. I would keep the baby personally.

Goingonagondola · 28/09/2019 22:38

Nobody can tell you what to do, only what they think they would do (which they actually don't generally know). I hope you make the decision that you feel most comfortable with.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 28/09/2019 22:39

I agree it’s not selfish to have a termination. It impacts no-one else.

Having the baby could be considered selfish though. As that affects your existing child, the child that will be born, the father and your support network for the rest of life.

Crabonastick · 28/09/2019 22:40

OP I was in pretty much the exact same situation 9 years ago and I terminated. I have never once regretted it. I think you need some counselling before you decide, good luck x

timshelthechoice · 28/09/2019 22:41

I would terminate.

the beginning of last year i was told i wouldn't be able to naturally conceive

Well, you know that's not true. In fact, unless you're missing reproductive organs (like BOTH ovaries, or your uterus, or BOTH Fallopian tubes) or have undergone premature ovarian failure or menopause, it's never 100% true.

I'm astonished at the number of quite young women on MN who are told they can never conceive naturally and then magically wind up pregnant multiple times.

Unless you are missing reproductive organs or have premature ovarian failure or menopause, then it's no miracle at all to conceive if you don't use contraception.

Thelistwizard · 28/09/2019 22:42

i think from your op you won’t terminate. Using the term miracle isn’t isn’t indicative of someone considering it .

bookwormsforever · 28/09/2019 22:45

If you were told at the start of last year you would never be able to conceive naturally but have conceived twice since, the nice when using contraception, then plainly whoever told you that was wrong, and thus you will probably be able to conceive again... so i’m not sure I’d let that affect my decision.

Agree with @timshelthechoice

You need to think about how this will affect your existing child. Can you parent two dc in your own? Can you afford it financially, emotionally?

NoProblem123 · 28/09/2019 22:45

If it was me I’d keep the baby. Probably wouldn’t even try to get his name on the birth certificate - he’s showed you what he’s about so he’s no huge loss.

OhMyDarling · 28/09/2019 22:45

Keep.
If you are doubting a termination now, it’s not the right choice for you.
It will be hard, but you will cope. X

CakeNinja · 28/09/2019 22:46

I would be terminating that pregnancy.
Also, whoever told you you wouldn’t be able to conceive naturally was obviously talking out of their arse because you have done exactly that. That reason is red herring - you have more chances to have children in the future in a stable committed relationship (or via other options if that’s what you wish, the point is you can get pregnant).
I’ve had a termination without a shred of guilt. Wrong time for me, not the right circumstances for me to bring another child into the world. I’ve never regretted that decision.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 28/09/2019 22:50

Nonsense rhetoric that it's selfish to have an abortion. Selfish to whom? A collection of cells that doesn't yet exist as a human?

How is that selfish?

Moomin8 · 28/09/2019 22:50

Personally I wouldn't terminate. If you want this baby then the difficult circumstances are not going to make you feel better after an abortion. BUT

Do you know this man's date of birth, etc. He may have blocked you but he's still going to be financially liable for the child if you decide to go ahead. The very least he could do is make a financial contribution. If he didn't want a baby he should have used a condom end of.

I kept a baby in very difficult circumstances. Her father was physically and emotionally abusive towards me. I got pregnant and he ran off to Italy and I've not seen him since. My daughter is the loveliest child you could imagine. She is not like him at all. I'm so very glad I had her, however hard it seemed when I found out I was oh

Rachelover60 · 28/09/2019 22:51

No one can make your mind up for you.

In your position, I would terminate and then make sure I don't become pregnant again - but I'm not you, confused.

It won't be easy having two such young children with no partner.

Give it a lot of thought.

Moomin8 · 28/09/2019 22:52

*pregnant

Doubletrouble99 · 28/09/2019 22:58

I would terminate if it were me. The thought of possibly having some unknown family/ father coming into my life possibly demanding all sorts of rights to the child and or the other situation where your other child get attention, gifts, Xmas etc. with their Dad's family and this child gets none of that would be very difficult for that child to cope with. You know now that you can conceive. Would it not be better to wait till you are in a proper relationship where you both want a child together.

Moomin8 · 28/09/2019 23:00

No father, or their family has a right to have contact with a child. It is the child who has a right to a relationship with that parent if it's in their best interest.

MissPepper8 · 28/09/2019 23:01

I'm so sorry op, I cant tell you what to do or how to decide its up to you and I'm in no way telling you not to, just to really think about it.

Can you talk to a friend? Your mum? One thing i will say terminations are the hardest things in the world to go through, I don't know a person who found it easy so if you do decide you will need a person for their total support.

You need to be completely and utterly sure on your decision. I nearly went through one once (I miscarried before my appointment) and the guilt and grief near destroyed me. Don't be pushed, think it through and absolutely talk to a friend/family member x

Koniczynka12 · 28/09/2019 23:01

It's your decision to make. Don't listen to anyone's opinion as everyone has a different one. Listen to your hart. If we were always thinking ohh now it's not a good time we would never have kids. I had a termination and I will always regret it deep down, it's very disturbing experience you will never forget

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 28/09/2019 23:04

No father, or their family has a right to have contact with a child. It is the child who has a right to a relationship with that parent if it's in their best interest.

And a court will uphold that child’s right if asked to.

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