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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dp says we're sexually incompatible because I can't climax from penetrative sex

420 replies

JustWonderful · 28/09/2019 17:25

He has implied if we split he 'd meet a woman who does.

I think that's delusional - because most women (who don't fake) can 't climax from penetrating sex. I read 75% or higher of the female population.

Aibu?

OP posts:
outherealone · 29/09/2019 14:14

I’ve had a LOT of sex in my nearly fifty years. Very very few orgasms just from penetrative sex but they have happened. Think it is a combo of mega turned on and lucky positioning. Have managed a couple of ejaculations too but only enough to count on one hand. For me, the best way to orgasm during sex with a man is to masturbate or for him to stimulate my clitoris and associated areas until I start to orgasm either with him in me or get him straight back inside while I come. That’s as close as it gets most times and is pretty pleasurable

outherealone · 29/09/2019 14:15

Ps. Your husband sounds like a dick. I think you can find better dick as well as someone a bit more respectful

Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 14:19

*how it panned out.
I thought this would be easier to type on than a tablet but apparently not

OP posts:
outherealone · 29/09/2019 14:28

Do you ever use a vibrator when you’re having sex alone or together? Maybe something to try during sex When you’re with your next partner

leomama81 · 29/09/2019 14:37

That's some cutting and pasting effort there @Cautionsharpblade - but still none of that shows "contempt" for women who orgasm
PIV, nor says that all women who appear to are faking it. I can come PIV with the right guy and none of that offends me! All people are saying is that when guys believe all these women come at the merest thrust, the likelihood is that often they are not really.

What often happens in my experience is that men mistake enthusiastic sounds for having orgasmed (perhaps I am just loud) and I don't correct them, which is not faking it as such.

Anyway, I don't think there is any need for you to have taken personal offense, but if you have we'll have to agree to disagree.

Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 14:44

However I don't know why this means he wants a new partner

I really have worded my op poorly - he didn't say that. He said "maybe were sexually incompatible" and I responded that if that was the case that then he was incompatible with the majority of women and if we split he'd be far more likely to meet another woman who doesn't climax from penetrative sex.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 14:45

(He disagreed obviously)

OP posts:
SecondRow · 29/09/2019 14:50

I read about CAT

do you mind me asking what this is? I am reluctant to google Blush

I know what you mean about the awkwardness of instructing, total mood killer.

Mellowyellowjello · 29/09/2019 14:55

I really think sex is in the head mainly and feeling comfortable with yourself and your partner. My dp is very proud that he can make me come with pen sex, but to be honest I think its more to do with me and how I can turn myself on, although he is very considerate and goes slower if I ask him to or adjusts the angle etc.. If your dp isn't making you comfortable, then no wonder you find it hard to relax with him and to feel anything down there. I think one of the easiest ways to come with pen sex is to be on top, riding and getting stimulation in all the right spots. And you get to decide the angle and be in control. Have you tried that?

Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 14:56

Cat is coital alignment technique - grinding/rockingrather than thrusting.

I never climaxed through penetrative sex with any other partner before him.

What are these unicorn dudes doing that previous men weren't?!!

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 15:00

Is the difference physical, mental or both?

OP posts:
Original poster
JustWonderful · 29/09/2019 15:13

To answer some posts about what I've tried - I've tried a little bullet vibrator on my own and it certainly speeds thing up (!) I planned to try it during pen sex but haven't yet, partly due to our sex life being almost non existent.

I have tried going on top and, like other positions, I seem to have next to no sensation clitorally. It doesn't seem to work. Though maybe I need to persevere more. (Also my dp doesn't really enjoy and doesn't get off on grinding so I could only grind for a certain time before he'd want to thrust, which wouldn't get me off).

OP posts:
SecondRow · 29/09/2019 15:17

Thanks.

Sorry I can't add much about the actual issue.

TheFastandCurious · 29/09/2019 15:26

My dp is very proud that he can make me come with pen sex

For a moment there, I was imagining a fun night in with a permanent marker and a packet of biros.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 29/09/2019 15:35

He’s a twat. And very undesirable with it.

Mellowyellowjello · 29/09/2019 16:06

Well your dp seems to be a bit selfish in bed if hes not too willing to try different things. Sex should be fun and playful and naughty too if that's what you like. I guess you need to think about what it is that gets you turned on and then try and convince your dp to play along if possible. For me it helps to have a 'selection' of hot scenarios in my head to think about when having sex. I'm not imagining having sex with other people, but imagining us being in a different situation than just in our bedroom. Sometimes I share it with my dp, sometimes not. If I'm really turned on, I could come within seconds, but if I'm not, and can't get in the mood, it doesn't matter what we try. So I think it's all in the head. Do you feel comfortable with him sexually or us it just boring and awkward? Maybe you can build trust and intimacy and go from there? Obviously only if he agrees and stops acting selfishly..

lifesnotaspectatorsport · 29/09/2019 16:28

I'm one of the lucky ones who can orgasm just with PIV. For me, a vaginal orgasm is definitely different to a clitoral one - it's deeper and more intense, usually culminating in muscular contractions of the vagina (instant trigger for DH to come). It's a weird sensation when pregnant!

My clitoris is very sensitive so I'm not a big fan of oral unless very stimulated beforehand. Fingers work better. Especially fingers sliding over my clitoris and inside the vagina together - my DH is very good at that. I prefer PIV to come though. Foreplay isn't essential (apart from kissing and nipple-licking) - I quite like the slow 'butting in' of his penis. Sorry, this is a bit graphic! But you asked how Blush If I have too much foreplay with the clitoris then it can go a bit 'numb' like you describe. So I like to get warmed up and then go for it. Embarrassingly, dull old missionary position works best for me - very rarely manage to come on top.

Also, 100% agree with PP that I need to be 'in the mood', often have some sort of fantasy playing in my head too.

It sounds to me like you both need to invest some quality time in figuring out what works for you!

EmmiJay · 29/09/2019 16:50

I orgasm through penetrative sex. However I only deal with big dicks which are my faves LOL. Anyway use a vibrator with him and see what happens I say.

Mrsscowell2nd · 29/09/2019 17:33

Neither can I, I think 90% of women need clitoral stimulation to get them there, and every partner I’ve had knows that, I recently took a younger lover (purely for the sex on both sides) he is 28 and knows how a woman needs stimulating, very few women climax through penetration
Your partner sounds like an idiot, a controlling ignorant idiot, if I was you I’d get shot of him in favour of a man who knows his way around a woman’s body , 28 year olds come highly recommended Smile

nuxe1984 · 29/09/2019 17:44

I would be very tempted to tell him that you've never had this problem before with your previous partners and that THEY were able to make you climax with penetrative sex … and perhaps he needs to work on his technique or buy some of those penis enlarging pills you can get online Grin

OttomanUmpire · 29/09/2019 17:48

I hate him

simiisme · 29/09/2019 17:50

It is a definite 'Dump the bastard' from me. How arrogant of him. Also lazy to not be trying to improve his technique.

T1igerfeet · 29/09/2019 17:50

Firstly, how is he planning to find out whether another woman does without going looking/trying?
Secondly, most women don't.
Thirdly, there are far more important things in a relationship and indeed the bedroom than whether you climax from one specific action!
He seriously needs lessons in what makes a good relationship and also how to satisfy a woman in other ways than penetration!

Holyshitbags · 29/09/2019 17:56

I used to think the same way as you - that most women who claim to climax through penetration alone were probably fibbing/faking. However, having met my now husband I can confirm that this is definitely not true in some cases. I will say that it took a while for us to get to the point where I can climax from penetrative sex alone but he definitely rubs all the right parts with his penis. It’s about him rather than me I’m sure - he angles himself so that he rubs on the sensitive area and so I would turn it on it’s head to him and say actually it’s not you, it’s him - he’s clearly not trying to make you climax from penetration alone!!!

JonSnowIsALoser · 29/09/2019 17:58

By “incompatible” does he mean that HE can climax from penetrative sex? Maybe get a big dildo or a cucumber and try it out on him?

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