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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is the one actually being selfish??

162 replies

Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 10:46

I could really do with impartial advice from everyone. It’s my first real post asking for opinions etc... so here goes.... thanks in advance.

Long story as short as I can make it.... I moved about 40 mins away from my home town a few years ago as that’s where DH lived and worked. He used to do about 60 hours per week with work and I was part time so I decided I would move there to make it easier for him as he was the main earner.

I also have two of my own DC who live with us but are very close to their father and spend about 3 days/nights per week with him too. He still lives in my home town and that’s where my DC go to school. We just drive every morning the 40 mins which is fine. It’s all very amicable and it works for us all as my children still see us both most days.

DH wants us to try for a baby. Now I’m not against having a baby but where we currently live, we have no family support. In my home town I have family support if need be.

The issue is, he doesn’t want us to move house!! He wants us to stay here, which means I’ll have to drive every day with a newborn to drop my older two off at school 40/45 mins away. Sometimes I’ll drip them off in the morning then pick up after school. I just feel overwhelmed as I know how difficult this will be. Where as he seems to think it’s all fine.

I could move my two older children to schools closer but I’m not prepared to do that as I don’t think it’s fair on their father or my little ones. I don’t want to unsettle them when they’re happy just because DH isn’t keen on moving 45 mins away. (I’ll point out that my gone town is bigger with more amenities than where we currently live)

The more I think about it the more I get annoyed as he knows deep down it will be easier for me if we lived near my little ones school etc and their dad. Yes it will be a bit rubbish for DH having to drive 45 each way after work but I don’t ask like I’ll manage.

DH has always been quite selfish as he’s been able to due to his up bringing. Even now he sometimes seems to be the father and I’m the child with regards to mover etc....

I’m almost 40 (youngest DC is 6 oldest is 11) so I actually don’t feel the need to have another one and I would mainly be doing it for him. Don’t get me wrong, if it was here I would dote on it no doubt but it’s just a concept right now. It may be that I can’t get pregnant etc. I just feel it would be so difficult unless we move closer. For example I could drop my youngest off at school then walk home with baby get jobs done etc then pick up at 3.30. If we live 45 min drive away what will I do for 6 hours with newborn etc.... I can’t get housework done etc so it’s just time wasted. I wouldn’t want to drive the 45 mins back home to then have to drive it back about 2pm.... astbat woykd also cost an extra £200 a month in petrol.

It’s just a logistical nightmare that would make more if we moved.

What would you do in my situation??

OP posts:
ElizaPancakes · 28/09/2019 10:51

What are you going to do about secondary school for your oldest?

Why are you worried about ferrying a newborn about and not in a couple of years time when you have a toddler? Newborns are portable and stay where they’re put. Toddlers do not.

What are you going to do if you have another child and put them in a local school but your older children are in secondary schools not local to you? I think that’s a more pressing question.

Honestly I can’t believe you moved to make the commute easier for your husband making life harder for everyone else.

obligations · 28/09/2019 10:53
  1. Firstly decide yourself if you want a baby or not.
  2. Then tell your dh that if you have a baby you will want to move house. 3. Then get pregnant.
  3. Then move house.
  4. Then have the baby.

Otherwise, stay where you are but consider if it would be easier for your dcs if you lived closer to their school anyway in terms of being able to walk to school friends etc; what secondary schools you're planning on sending your current dcs to etc.
If it suits to live closer to their school right now, then move and try for a baby then

etc

ToPlanZ · 28/09/2019 10:55

Certainly wouldn't have a baby with him, he sounds unsupportive. What if you have a bad birth and take a while to recover? Is he the kind of man to step up. It doesn't sound like it

My SIL and BIL had a baby post 40 and it is massively hard work. Does he realise how much his life will have to alter? He's resistant to any change that he sees as adverse now, it doesnt sound promising.

Original poster
Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 10:58

Yes absolutely agree with the toddler age being much harder and that’s my worry.

He wasn’t that fussed in having a baby originally so it works as it is now but it will be more difficult with another child.

My oldest will go to the local secondary school in my home town.

OP posts:
EC22 · 28/09/2019 10:58

You already make that journey to where you have support, I don’t really get the issue really.
Where will your oldest go to high school. It was a bit mad to move for your husbands convenience at your children’s expense, but it’s done now.

timeisnotaline · 28/09/2019 10:59

Hmm. Definitely move if you have a baby. It’s that or dh looks after baby while you do school runs.
But, think very carefully about having a baby at all with a selfish man.

pinkyredrose · 28/09/2019 10:59

How else is your husband selfish? If you have a baby you life will change massively, will his?

SherbetSaucer · 28/09/2019 11:09

You already have two, considering the state or the planet I’d stop there.

Original poster
Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 11:13

@EC22 I just drive my little ones to school currently then I go to work (I also work in my home town) then I can pick them up. If we have a baby I wouldn’t work so I’d need to hang about waiting for them to finish school with a young child. If I needed help in an emergency etc then I’ve got a family member there at least. I suppose I felt like he was the bread winner etc and he had a crazy busy work pattern that I thought it would be easier.

Older child will go to the local comp with all her friends.

@pinkyredrose He used to work away a lot and only had himself to consider and he lived alone for a long time so I think he forgets sometimes. He is a lovely person I just have to remind him sometimes of other points of view. He’s quite clear cut black and white whereas I try to see all the shades in between if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Whatevskev · 28/09/2019 11:15

OP I wouldn’t even contemplate this

And I’d be very concerned and upset that DH is playing no consideration to anyone’s needs or best interests except his own

He appears to have encouraged you to put your own kids second to his priorities by asking you to love to facilitate his work at the expense of an easier life for them being near school and friends

When they are in secondary they will want to walk or bus with their mates

And the idea of him thinking it’s better for a newborn and then toddler to spend half the day in a car or hanging out away from home sing so he doesn’t have to drive for 1hr20mins a day?

He’s selfish
You are too wrapped up in him to appear to see it else you wouldnt even allow this to be an option

katewhinesalot · 28/09/2019 11:15

Say that you don't really want one but you'll do it for him if he's prepared to also make a sacrifice and move back.

katewhinesalot · 28/09/2019 11:16

Or move in between the two?

Windydaysuponus · 28/09/2019 11:17

I did 40 mins school run with a baby and then toddler.
A toddler who developed bad travel sickness.
Had to move dc school.
Was an absolute nightmare.

Bucatini · 28/09/2019 11:21

YANBU at all. It would be different if you were asking him to move jobs, but all he'll have to do is drive 40 mins to work. Loads of people do that anyway!

Could you compromise a bit? Eg he is 30 mins away and you are 15?

Witchinaditch · 28/09/2019 11:22

Can you both compromise and move 20 mins closer so half way between both towns?

FizzyGreenWater · 28/09/2019 11:23

Well if he's quite clear cut and black and white then a simple 'no, doesn't work for me' should sort it.

Honestly, it all sounds quite mad. The entire family - YOUR family - changing your lives in an utterly inconvenient way to make his commute easier!

Baby or no baby I'd move back. You are storing up issues for the future - the first thing that occurs to me is what on earth you do when your children start secondary? They will want to stay on after school and hang around with mates. You're going to either spend your life in the car or be on edge as their hangouts, friends, and social circle is going to be 45 minutes away. Not near enough to be safe, quite frankly.

Tell him you've compromised for this long, so you're moving back anyway, the plus side of that is that you MIGHT consider a baby as if you moved back you'd actually physically be able to do it. Right now, you're running yourself ragged to make his mornings slightly more pleasant as it is, so the cheeky fuckery is already at max strength.

NoSquirrels · 28/09/2019 11:23

Tell him you’ll try for a baby if you move back to home town.

HavelockVetinari · 28/09/2019 11:24

Jeez, don't have a baby with him! And YY to what @ElizaPancakes says about secondary - what about after school activities, detentions, hanging out with mates...how can your 11 year old do all that if they have to come straight home in the car with you? Surely it's better for all of you to move back there, a 45 minute commute is tiny for work!

Sn0tnose · 28/09/2019 11:25

So far, everything has been done for his convenience. If you have a baby with him, nothing will change except your workload will double and you’ll be expected to cope with it on three hours sleep a night.

If you agree to go ahead with it, I would insist on moving back to your home town so you at least have family support and no school commute. And I’d want to be in the new house before even trying to conceive.

Bucatini · 28/09/2019 11:26

Also it will be much nicer for your DC to live nearer their friends.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 28/09/2019 11:29

If we have a baby I wouldn’t work so I’d need to hang about waiting for them to finish school with a young child

What? surely you would just go home?

SnuggyBuggy · 28/09/2019 11:29

Having a baby in these circumstances would be really difficult. I'd just focus on the kids you have.

Cherrysoup · 28/09/2019 11:31

Easy-say yes to the baby if you can move back to your home town. No way should you be commuting 40 minutes with a baby. No reason he can't commute.

candycane222 · 28/09/2019 11:33

My kids moved from the local secondary to sixth forms 40 mins away and it was an ongoing pita, but at least by that age they were motivated to learn to drive (and we are lucky enough to be able to afford a second car). The thought of having had to facilitate their earlier teens social lives with a young baby/toddler at home (who goes to get them after a night out when the toddler is in bed for example??) - Nope!

Your DH may become set on having a child. So you must be prepared to stand your ground, and accept that if he won't compromise (and worst case, even decides to leave) it means he is making you choose between him vs your existing dcs plus your own sanity (and probably the baby's wellbeing too) - well if he won't compromise, he's not really great father/husband/stepdad material. Sorry.

Mistressiggi · 28/09/2019 11:33

What do you mean, he treats you like a child? That doesn't sound good.

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