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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is the one actually being selfish??

162 replies

Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 10:46

I could really do with impartial advice from everyone. It’s my first real post asking for opinions etc... so here goes.... thanks in advance.

Long story as short as I can make it.... I moved about 40 mins away from my home town a few years ago as that’s where DH lived and worked. He used to do about 60 hours per week with work and I was part time so I decided I would move there to make it easier for him as he was the main earner.

I also have two of my own DC who live with us but are very close to their father and spend about 3 days/nights per week with him too. He still lives in my home town and that’s where my DC go to school. We just drive every morning the 40 mins which is fine. It’s all very amicable and it works for us all as my children still see us both most days.

DH wants us to try for a baby. Now I’m not against having a baby but where we currently live, we have no family support. In my home town I have family support if need be.

The issue is, he doesn’t want us to move house!! He wants us to stay here, which means I’ll have to drive every day with a newborn to drop my older two off at school 40/45 mins away. Sometimes I’ll drip them off in the morning then pick up after school. I just feel overwhelmed as I know how difficult this will be. Where as he seems to think it’s all fine.

I could move my two older children to schools closer but I’m not prepared to do that as I don’t think it’s fair on their father or my little ones. I don’t want to unsettle them when they’re happy just because DH isn’t keen on moving 45 mins away. (I’ll point out that my gone town is bigger with more amenities than where we currently live)

The more I think about it the more I get annoyed as he knows deep down it will be easier for me if we lived near my little ones school etc and their dad. Yes it will be a bit rubbish for DH having to drive 45 each way after work but I don’t ask like I’ll manage.

DH has always been quite selfish as he’s been able to due to his up bringing. Even now he sometimes seems to be the father and I’m the child with regards to mover etc....

I’m almost 40 (youngest DC is 6 oldest is 11) so I actually don’t feel the need to have another one and I would mainly be doing it for him. Don’t get me wrong, if it was here I would dote on it no doubt but it’s just a concept right now. It may be that I can’t get pregnant etc. I just feel it would be so difficult unless we move closer. For example I could drop my youngest off at school then walk home with baby get jobs done etc then pick up at 3.30. If we live 45 min drive away what will I do for 6 hours with newborn etc.... I can’t get housework done etc so it’s just time wasted. I wouldn’t want to drive the 45 mins back home to then have to drive it back about 2pm.... astbat woykd also cost an extra £200 a month in petrol.

It’s just a logistical nightmare that would make more if we moved.

What would you do in my situation??

OP posts:
Derbee · 28/09/2019 13:18

If he's so keen on a baby and you're not really bothered (I think that's what I'm understanding), why doesn't he go PT and you go FT? Then he can do the school runs. Maybe then he might agree a 40 min school run is ridiculous

Also, this might be the best advice I’ve ever read on mumsnet

81Byerley · 28/09/2019 13:19

I wouldn't have another baby for a start!

Italiangreyhound · 28/09/2019 13:21

@Novembersbean

"Italiangreyhound, Why is it a crazy compromise to drive 20 minutes? I drive further than that to get to the other side of my city, that is not a long journey."

Well, and this is just my opinion, if you need to get in a car and drive for a full day at work then a 20, 30 or 40 minute journey is much of a muchness. You are at work all day for 7, 8 or 9 hours so a matter or minutes each way is not a big deal. i work a short day and spend 30 minutes to get to work.

However, having to drive any distance with kids means that they won't ever be able to walk to school, and maybe won't be able to walk to friends' houses. When very little and going everywhere with mum or dad this is not an issue but as time goes on it is better (IMHO) for them to be able to walk to school, go with friends, stay for clubs, visit people after school etc. It's not impossible with a 20 minute drive but it is harder.

The extra 20 minutes each way for the husband will not make a huge difference but substituing a 10 minute or even 20 minute walk for a 20 minute drive for kids will make a difference.

"I'm really baffled by everyone saying how selfish it is of him to want to live close to his work - he is the main earner which presumably benefits her kids." It's selfish if it means they don't get to do the stuff other kids do, I would imagine many other people at his work have a similar commute, and it won;t stop him seeing friend or other stuff.

I think moving kids school is a huge issue, affecting friendship and much more. When they met he knew she had kids and he should have been prepared for this. This is all IMHO, Of course some people will feel differently. But I have a 14 year old and a 9 year old and being at a local school is very important to both.

MummaGiles · 28/09/2019 13:23

I haven’t RTFT so sorry if this has been asked already but is your eldest likely to get a place at the secondary in your home town when you live so far away?

Original poster
Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 13:25

@Derbee well yes it’s true about the private tutor lol but it will help them overall and hopefully make school easier for them 😃

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 28/09/2019 13:25

I agree as teenagers their social life will be where their school friends are and maybe you will see less and less of them, so I would be careful for this and consider the move back now. Especially if your dh is working few hours.

7yo7yo · 28/09/2019 13:36

I agree with a pp.
As the kids get older they will spend more time at their dads.
It will just be easier and more convenient.
The you and your partner can have your 5 bed house to yourselves.

You have put material possessions and your partner before your kids.

Seeingadistance · 28/09/2019 13:37

Has he ever commuted to work or has he always lived and worked in the same town?

I don’t think a 40 minute commute should be an issue. I did similar or longer for years and actually quite liked having the time to prepare for and wind down from the the day.

At the moment 3 of you are being inconvenienced for the sake of one person. And as the older kids get older it will become more of a problem, never mind adding a baby to the family.

Novembersbean · 28/09/2019 13:40

Italiangreyhound

I can see the benefit of living in walking distance to the school, and don't think moving is a bad idea but I don't think he's been selfish for living close to his work, especially given that he has been the main earner for her and her kids. By all accounts he's already been pretty selfless there.

I would like to live near the support network of my family but we live three hours away to be close to my partners work. I am off work with our joint child and he is the sole earner at the moment, so I don't consider that selfish at all - we actually chose to live close so that he would be able to be home early enough to spend some time with the family before my daughter goes to bed.

If he is providing for her and her children I think it is very harsh to call him selfish for not making further sacrifices. Stubborn, but not selfish.

Phineyj · 28/09/2019 13:41

It's normal in the SE, especially in the selective school areas, for DC to travel 40mins to school or even more. The majority of the students at my school did and if there's a bus and a train service, they can still do clubs and see friends. However, YANBU with your actual question. You have been there done that. Your DH hasn't. He needs to take these logistical issues more seriously. My DH and I used a nursery 40 mins from home for three years, for good reasons. My God it was miserable at times though,. especially during toilet training. And we shared it all 50/50 and both cut back to 4 days pw.

caringcarer · 28/09/2019 13:41

I don't really see the problem. You already drive to your home town with 2 kids in morning and bring home in evening. Could their Dad collect them sometimes or drop them to school after they have stayed at his house for night? If you are going to be at home if you have another baby then you will have time to drive to and fro or you could visit family/friends in your home town once a week. Once you stop working you will be less rushed and have more time to drive kids about. I drive a foster child for 40 mins each way twice a day and it is OK. I put the radio or music on and enjoy the me time in car. Once at destination I drop child off and meet a friend for an hour for a coffee then drive home and do some jobs then in afternoon I drive back to collect. I just don't see the issue. If you become a SAHM then it becomes your job iyswim. If your dp is good with your children then I would have a baby with him if he does not make any effort at weekends to do things with them then I would not be having a baby with him.

Marnie76 · 28/09/2019 13:46

Where will the baby (once old enough) go to school? The catchment will be local school so how will you get all children to their schools on time?

Crinkle77 · 28/09/2019 13:47

You already have two, considering the state or the planet I’d stop there

Honestly Sherbet! The OP has coMe on for some advice not a lecture about the state of the environment.

caringcarer · 28/09/2019 13:52

Just read update. If he is providing your kids with a private tutor he is not selfish and doing his beat to get them good education. I would send a new baby to school close to you though. Oldest by then could catch bus on own and youngest would be 10 so only a couple of years of commuting before that child could catch bus.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 28/09/2019 13:53

Didn't read everything, so don't know if it's been suggested, but what about the compromise of moving mid way? Or 15 mins from your home town, 25 mins from his? A 25 minute commute to work is nothing.

timshelthechoice · 28/09/2019 13:55

There is zero way I'd have a baby in your situation. I would not have a baby at nearly 40. I did in my late 30s and my child has autism and two other co-morbidities; there's increasing evidence that autism might be correlated to parental age, and some conditions definitely are. So I'd never chance it personally. But especially with your crazy commute, NFW.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 28/09/2019 14:00

It sounds like you don’t want another baby so the rest is moot.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 28/09/2019 14:00

(And nor would I! That wasn’t a value judgements!)

Loopytiles · 28/09/2019 14:02

I think having a DC with your H would be a very bad plan.

thecatinthetwat · 28/09/2019 14:05

If I didn’t meet DH I don’t know where I would be living because I couldn’t afford to live anywhere nice.

OP, you are not getting this. It's not about if you didn't meet your DH. It's not about if you were on your own vs in a couple.

We already know you did meet and marry your DH and have the finances of a couple. Now, where you can live is based on these circumstances.

It's about your DH deciding it's better for you and your children to commute than for him to commute.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 28/09/2019 14:06

So what is your husbands solution?

He must know that its not good for a baby to spend at least 3 hours of the day in a car seat. What is his plan to get around this? Is he going to work from home and entertain the baby for an hour and a half twice a day while you get the kids? Or is he going to pay for taxis for the older ones so you can stay at home with the baby?

When you go back to work, will he change his hours to do nursery and school pick ups and drop offs so that you can go and pick up and drop off your older children? Is there any public transport they can use when they are older? What about when they are teenagers and wanting to spend time with their friends from.their school, will he be happy to be doing bedtimes a lot of nights with his child as you will be giving lifts to yours?

GettingABitDesperateNow · 28/09/2019 14:07

Could your husband eventually move jobs to your old town?

billy1966 · 28/09/2019 14:10

OP, definitely do not have another child.
You were vulnerable enough with two.

I also think moving for his commute was not a great idea.

Secondary school will definitely see your children wanting to spend more time at their father's. They are going to want to have access to their friends. It's just the way teens are and there is nothing wrong with that.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 28/09/2019 14:13

I think fathers age is more relevant to the increased risk of autism (in response to a poster above)

However in any case I wouldn't be having a baby 'for my partner' even if none of your issues applied, and I wouldn't have a baby, even if I did want another, with someone who wouldn't compromise or change their lifestyle to fit in with the babys needs or expect me to make all the changes. I dont think that type of person makes a great parent or if they do its because they only do the fun things and you're left doing all the drudgery and boring bits of parenting and that builds resentment

mankyfourthtoe · 28/09/2019 14:13

Is there a decent commute half way for both of you.
Aside from a baby, your eldest would appreciate being able to be more independent at the weekends or they'll always be at dads and you'll miss out.
I think your lives have moved on from when it made sense to live where you do, now it makes sense to move back.