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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH is the one actually being selfish??

162 replies

Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 10:46

I could really do with impartial advice from everyone. It’s my first real post asking for opinions etc... so here goes.... thanks in advance.

Long story as short as I can make it.... I moved about 40 mins away from my home town a few years ago as that’s where DH lived and worked. He used to do about 60 hours per week with work and I was part time so I decided I would move there to make it easier for him as he was the main earner.

I also have two of my own DC who live with us but are very close to their father and spend about 3 days/nights per week with him too. He still lives in my home town and that’s where my DC go to school. We just drive every morning the 40 mins which is fine. It’s all very amicable and it works for us all as my children still see us both most days.

DH wants us to try for a baby. Now I’m not against having a baby but where we currently live, we have no family support. In my home town I have family support if need be.

The issue is, he doesn’t want us to move house!! He wants us to stay here, which means I’ll have to drive every day with a newborn to drop my older two off at school 40/45 mins away. Sometimes I’ll drip them off in the morning then pick up after school. I just feel overwhelmed as I know how difficult this will be. Where as he seems to think it’s all fine.

I could move my two older children to schools closer but I’m not prepared to do that as I don’t think it’s fair on their father or my little ones. I don’t want to unsettle them when they’re happy just because DH isn’t keen on moving 45 mins away. (I’ll point out that my gone town is bigger with more amenities than where we currently live)

The more I think about it the more I get annoyed as he knows deep down it will be easier for me if we lived near my little ones school etc and their dad. Yes it will be a bit rubbish for DH having to drive 45 each way after work but I don’t ask like I’ll manage.

DH has always been quite selfish as he’s been able to due to his up bringing. Even now he sometimes seems to be the father and I’m the child with regards to mover etc....

I’m almost 40 (youngest DC is 6 oldest is 11) so I actually don’t feel the need to have another one and I would mainly be doing it for him. Don’t get me wrong, if it was here I would dote on it no doubt but it’s just a concept right now. It may be that I can’t get pregnant etc. I just feel it would be so difficult unless we move closer. For example I could drop my youngest off at school then walk home with baby get jobs done etc then pick up at 3.30. If we live 45 min drive away what will I do for 6 hours with newborn etc.... I can’t get housework done etc so it’s just time wasted. I wouldn’t want to drive the 45 mins back home to then have to drive it back about 2pm.... astbat woykd also cost an extra £200 a month in petrol.

It’s just a logistical nightmare that would make more if we moved.

What would you do in my situation??

OP posts:

crimsonlake · 28/09/2019 14:16

OP haven't you posted about this issue recently? You moved away to be with new partner and away from your abusive ex but children still went to school in home town? Apologize if I am wrong.

scottishlass123 · 28/09/2019 14:18

Hello

Why don't you just live somewhere in the middle of the two towns, then it would be a 25 minute drive each. Maybe a nice country side location? Seems fair.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2019 14:18

Lucky you to be able to get in to a secondary school a 40 minute drive from your home address! Round my way, you'd have no chance of getting a school that far away by choice.

EggysMom · 28/09/2019 14:23

I, too, would like the OP to comment on the secondary school situation for her elder child - unless the father applies using his as the home address, I don't see how the child will end up with a school place so far away from home.

Original poster

Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 14:28

@7yo7yo how?

OP posts:

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 28/09/2019 14:29

Any commute will be problematic, be it 20 minutes or 40, when you have a newborn, and an eldest DC who is at secondary school, wanting to do after school clubs/getting a detention etc meaning rather than just drivnig and picking up both DC1 and 2 within a few minutes of each other, there could be another hour of hanging around the other town before driving back. If you live in the town you plan to send DC1 to secondary school in, you can just focus on picking up DC2 and DC1 can get themself home.

I know 3 families of teenagers where the couple were separated, the mother did have the bulk of the time, but once the children were in secondary (one in year 8, other two in year 9) they decided to move in with their Dad as it was closer to school/friends/evening activities.

I would have a general conversation, living in the town you do, isn't really going to work long term,it makes sense to move this year, before DC1 starts secondary school and before you start trying for a baby, because moving when pregnant is horrible, and that means you can get any work to a new house done before a baby arrives.

Talk tonight, be clear, no move, no additional baby, and he needs to consider if living where you do will work with teenage DCs away.

diddl · 28/09/2019 14:30

Can't imagine the thought process that involves moving kids 40mins from Dad, school & friends so that a grown man can continue living & working in the same town.

If you didn't have such a journey for the school run then having a baby (if you wanted one, although you don't sound bothered), wouldn't seem so hard, even with no family support.

Lots of us live away from family & them not being close enough to offer support doesn't factor at all into whether or not to have a baby!

5LeafClover · 28/09/2019 14:38

Doing what you are doing now works because of your job and the DC's dad being local to their school. Neither of these things would be in place for a new baby especially when they reach reception age. Sooner or later you would have to be looking at moving schools for the eldest 2 or them spending more overnights with their dad. Also, I would be very wary of giving up work for a man who puts his needs above yours in this way.

Gillian1980 · 28/09/2019 14:40

I would consider it without moving.

40 mins each way, twice a day with a newborn could be horrific. Sleep deprived and with potential for lots of screaming from baby.

Then with a toddler who may be cat sick or tantrumming. And would nursery be near home or near work?

All sounds like a nightmare.

But aside from that, I wouldn’t have a child mainly because a partner wanted to. Especially a partner being so unsupportive.

I’d have to have a really strong maternal urge for another baby and a fully supportive partner to even begin to consider it.

Gillian1980 · 28/09/2019 14:40

wouldn’t. Bloody autocorrect.

SquirrelsInJune · 28/09/2019 14:41

Have you factored in what will happen if your eldest is at a secondary school 40 mins away and wants to join school clubs and teams?

We're only a few minutes walk from our secondary school but DD frequently doesn't get home until 4.30pm or later because there's a rehearsal or a match going on.

Even without a baby, your younger child could potentially end up waiting around for at least an hour after school each day so that you can pick up the older one.

Original poster

Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 14:42

@Phineyj exactly this. That was another reason I decided to move originally. There’s a grammar school about 30 mins away on the train and loads of children from all over the county go there. They have to get the train by themselves and their friends will be all over for a 50 mile radius. Not everyone choses to go to the local comp.... especially if it’s crap.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 28/09/2019 14:44

So he has an easier commute and everyone else's' lives are spent in a car toing and froing - inc your ExH.

I'm missing something here - oh no. You've got a nice big house and holidays.

Original poster

Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 14:49

@thecatinthetwat Yes, I do get it. I’m giving the reasons as to why I chose to do it in the first place as some people seem to think it was a bad move.

Having a baby would change the dynamics and yes you’re right now that I’ve done it for x number of years it’s surely his turn

OP posts:

Fraggling · 28/09/2019 14:52

Don't have a baby if you don't want one and you're 40 it's going to be v tough and suspect you won't get much support

If you decide to then you move back to your home town BEFORE you get pg. Although time may be short tbh at 40, still. I think if you got pg you'd end up staying where you are and that would be that, driving nearly 3 hours a day with a baby in the car. Not great for baby or you. Bloody awful in fact.

Original poster

Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 14:52

@crimsonlake that’s definitely not me thank goodness. That sound horrendous for the poor woman. This is my first post really fir advice.

It worked previously but as my DC are getting older then I need to re-evaluate.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 14:57

@Nanny0gg. Well a 40 min commute for my little ones in a nice safe area, plenty of space etc...or the potential to have to live next door to smack heads as that’s all I could afford on my own.... wonder why I chose the first option?...

OP posts:

jennymanara · 28/09/2019 15:03

OP you saw the choice as move in with this man where he wants to live, or carry on living where you were without him. I can see why you moved.

But I think you need to be honest with yourself that he was never going to move for you. It was always move to where he wanted to live, or nothing. He will carry on with that approach. That may work at the moment, but it will not work with a new baby.

LatentPhase · 28/09/2019 15:05

I think the issue here OP is - you don’t want a baby!

You don’t owe him a baby because he provides a lovely holidays. You really don’t.

Anyway you won’t be giving him a baby, you’ll be giving yourself a baby.. (because he hasn’t thought through what’s involved nor is he thinking about the impact on you. Ergo, the baby will be your job).

No no no. Just ‘no’.

LatentPhase · 28/09/2019 15:06

...a house and lovely holidays.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 28/09/2019 15:20

Why from the way you put it was the only options to either live on your own with DC or move in with DP to his choice of area where it suits him best... I think that's where the other Pp's opinion of he's selfish come from.
There should of been a number of options
Move to where is best for the children
Move at a half way point
He find a new job
You find a new job
Him take less hours
You increase hours
Plus many more
As for a new baby from what you say you wouldn't be happy having one in the circumstances you have now so either don't have one and continue as you all are or change the circumstances
Also a think about the future is also needed to make sure the circumstances you have now is the best for the whole of your family in coming years

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2019 15:32

On a different note, why not do ovulation tests, perhaps a fertility test from your GP? The miscarriage rate also goes up after 40.

You may be negotiating for something that may never happen.

Novembersbean · 28/09/2019 16:00

So a new partner has to be the one working full time to provide for his partners children that are not his, and also carry all the burden of extra travelling so she and they don't have to, in order to avoid being branded selfish? I feel like I'm missing something from the responses to this thread. Up to press he hasn't done anything selfish.

You've said you wouldn't be able to live as you do without him. I think you need to accept that he's already doing an awful lot to accommodate your family, and if there is extra burden then it is right that it falls to you, because they're your children. It was your choice to move and not change their schools.

It won't work so well with a baby though. I wasn't particularly aware of the guidelines around young children in cars before becoming a parent, so he may not have thought about it properly, but any decent parent would not choose to put them in the car that much after being educated.

The baby issue could be moot anyway though because you really shouldn't have one if you don't want one. It sounds to me like you and he are simply not compatible as he wants to live and work in the same town and have a baby, and you want to centre your life around living close to your ex and children's school for hypothetical clubs etc, and not have another baby. Neither of you want something that is wrong but you are wrong to expect him to bow down to your wants and call him selfish for wanting what he wants.

NabooThatsWho · 28/09/2019 16:05

You don’t sound like you particularly want a baby so why have one and make your life a lot more stressful? Who would actually benefit from another DC in the family? Oh yeah....your DH.

prawnonthebarbie · 28/09/2019 16:07

Well a 40 min commute for my little ones in a nice safe area, plenty of space etc...or the potential to have to live next door to smack heads as that’s all I could afford on my own.... wonder why I chose the first option?...

That wasn't the only option though was it? He could have lived in your town and you could have moved away from the smack heads. But his commute was more important.

Can't imagine the thought process that involves moving kids 40mins from Dad, school & friends so that a grown man can continue living & working in the same town.

Agree. I wouldn't marry someone this selfish never mind have kids with him.

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