To think DH is the one actually being selfish??

[Sammyp235]

I could really do with impartial advice from everyone. It’s my first real post asking for opinions etc... so here goes.... thanks in advance.

Long story as short as I can make it.... I moved about 40 mins away from my home town a few years ago as that’s where DH lived and worked. He used to do about 60 hours per week with work and I was part time so I decided I would move there to make it easier for him as he was the main earner.

I also have two of my own DC who live with us but are very close to their father and spend about 3 days/nights per week with him too. He still lives in my home town and that’s where my DC go to school. We just drive every morning the 40 mins which is fine. It’s all very amicable and it works for us all as my children still see us both most days.

DH wants us to try for a baby. Now I’m not against having a baby but where we currently live, we have no family support. In my home town I have family support if need be.

The issue is, he doesn’t want us to move house!! He wants us to stay here, which means I’ll have to drive every day with a newborn to drop my older two off at school 40/45 mins away. Sometimes I’ll drip them off in the morning then pick up after school. I just feel overwhelmed as I know how difficult this will be. Where as he seems to think it’s all fine.

I could move my two older children to schools closer but I’m not prepared to do that as I don’t think it’s fair on their father or my little ones. I don’t want to unsettle them when they’re happy just because DH isn’t keen on moving 45 mins away. (I’ll point out that my gone town is bigger with more amenities than where we currently live)

The more I think about it the more I get annoyed as he knows deep down it will be easier for me if we lived near my little ones school etc and their dad. Yes it will be a bit rubbish for DH having to drive 45 each way after work but I don’t ask like I’ll manage.

DH has always been quite selfish as he’s been able to due to his up bringing. Even now he sometimes seems to be the father and I’m the child with regards to mover etc....

I’m almost 40 (youngest DC is 6 oldest is 11) so I actually don’t feel the need to have another one and I would mainly be doing it for him. Don’t get me wrong, if it was here I would dote on it no doubt but it’s just a concept right now. It may be that I can’t get pregnant etc. I just feel it would be so difficult unless we move closer. For example I could drop my youngest off at school then walk home with baby get jobs done etc then pick up at 3.30. If we live 45 min drive away what will I do for 6 hours with newborn etc.... I can’t get housework done etc so it’s just time wasted. I wouldn’t want to drive the 45 mins back home to then have to drive it back about 2pm.... astbat woykd also cost an extra £200 a month in petrol.

It’s just a logistical nightmare that would make more if we moved.

What would you do in my situation??

@katewhinesalot good question. I would have loved him to say ‘I understand where you’re coming from and if it means that much to you then we’ll move’. Even if he’d said ‘I’ll think about it’. But to be shit down for even mentioning it has made me somewhat more determined to move back myself.

Even if he said ok let’s do it together, a) I still don’t want a baby with him being that selfish and b) having a baby was the catalyst to moving back originally but now I just want to move back full stop. Baby or no baby. Ironically I feel like he’s sealed his own fate and put the final nail in the coffin for me.

Now you know OP.

Keep your powder dry and get money into an account that he doesn't know about and make your plans.

Bullet proof contraception being a given.

I think you would regret hugely having a third child with someone so selfish.

You need to focus on getting a job and being able to provide for your two children.

A baby would make you soooo vulnerable to.

Actually, him not contributing to your children is also a flag.

They are his step children, he should care enough to want to a bit at least.

It’s perfectly ok to agree to something, do it for 4 years and decide you don’t want to do it any more.

It’s also perfectly ok to wake up one day and realise your husband is a selfish prick.

It’s perfectly ok to agree to something, do it for 4 years and decide you don’t want to do it any more.

But relocating is quite a big ask isn't it? How much is it going to cost having to sell this house and buy another? Maybe they can't afford it.

If they cant afford moving costs, they cant afford op to become a SAHM, which was his idea.

If he said he'd think about it, said he needed to save x for stamp duty first or something similar that would be different, but hes not.

If they cant afford moving costs, they cant afford op to become a SAHM, which was his idea.
How come?

I earn £7000/year currently.

Pretty sure the cost of moving could exceed that once you've paid estate agency fees, solicitors fees, moving company, stamp duty. And that's without factoring in if they are moving back into a more expensive area or are in negative equity in their current home.

Do YOU want another baby? Night feeds, exhaustion, plus all your other points.

At 40 it's far harder with less energy and you are already spread thinly. Also don't you want to do something for you now? New job, promotion, hobby etc?

I would personally hate a baby at 40. 30 was my upper limit and no regrets there.

If you don't want want say so, and DH can either accommodate your wishes or be more accommodating himself.

Also it feels to me (from bitter experience) that having a child would tie you further to your H and possibly increase his already selfish and thoughtless behaviour.

Leave him, a family is about supporting each other and making decisions and compromises based on what's best for everyone, He isn't prepared to do that at all. Your kids will be happier long term with you happy and supported by family/friends.

Everything is on his terms and he doesn’t really provide financially for my two DC as that’s between myself and their dad

But earlier on you said that if you hadn’t married him you would be living in some junkie infested nightmare If your DH doesn’t contribute, then how do you afford to live in a 5 bedroom detached house, pay for tutors, holidays etc when you only work part time?

I don’t think he’s particularly selfish for not wanting to move 45 minutes further away from work. He’s entitled to a work/life balance. It was your decision to keep your kids at their old school when you moved, even though tens of thousands of kids must change schools ever year to their parents new job, new house etc, and you could have done the same. I can see how this was a good compromise however.

That said, this isn’t going to be at all doable with a newborn/toddler going forward so maybe suggest a compromise about a move between the two towns. I would also agree with a previous poster who advised not to have another baby if you were not as equally committed as your DH.

@hopelesslycynical thanks fir you reply. I see how I must have made it sound confusing. When I was on my own I had tax credits etc and my ex was ok with this. (We try and do 50/50 as much as possible as he is a great dad).

When I met DH I no longer needed the tax credits or was entitled to them and quite right. Between us both working we didn’t qualify for anything which worked out well for ex as it meant he could claim and quite right. I claimed when I needed to and when I was more financially secure ex could claim. It’s mainly the childcare I think he gets for breakfast clubs etc as he works full time.

That’s why we don’t really argue about money. Neither of us pay the other maintenance and we go halfers on things.

Hope that makes more sense