To think DH is the one actually being selfish??

[Sammyp235]

I could really do with impartial advice from everyone. It’s my first real post asking for opinions etc... so here goes.... thanks in advance.

Long story as short as I can make it.... I moved about 40 mins away from my home town a few years ago as that’s where DH lived and worked. He used to do about 60 hours per week with work and I was part time so I decided I would move there to make it easier for him as he was the main earner.

I also have two of my own DC who live with us but are very close to their father and spend about 3 days/nights per week with him too. He still lives in my home town and that’s where my DC go to school. We just drive every morning the 40 mins which is fine. It’s all very amicable and it works for us all as my children still see us both most days.

DH wants us to try for a baby. Now I’m not against having a baby but where we currently live, we have no family support. In my home town I have family support if need be.

The issue is, he doesn’t want us to move house!! He wants us to stay here, which means I’ll have to drive every day with a newborn to drop my older two off at school 40/45 mins away. Sometimes I’ll drip them off in the morning then pick up after school. I just feel overwhelmed as I know how difficult this will be. Where as he seems to think it’s all fine.

I could move my two older children to schools closer but I’m not prepared to do that as I don’t think it’s fair on their father or my little ones. I don’t want to unsettle them when they’re happy just because DH isn’t keen on moving 45 mins away. (I’ll point out that my gone town is bigger with more amenities than where we currently live)

The more I think about it the more I get annoyed as he knows deep down it will be easier for me if we lived near my little ones school etc and their dad. Yes it will be a bit rubbish for DH having to drive 45 each way after work but I don’t ask like I’ll manage.

DH has always been quite selfish as he’s been able to due to his up bringing. Even now he sometimes seems to be the father and I’m the child with regards to mover etc....

I’m almost 40 (youngest DC is 6 oldest is 11) so I actually don’t feel the need to have another one and I would mainly be doing it for him. Don’t get me wrong, if it was here I would dote on it no doubt but it’s just a concept right now. It may be that I can’t get pregnant etc. I just feel it would be so difficult unless we move closer. For example I could drop my youngest off at school then walk home with baby get jobs done etc then pick up at 3.30. If we live 45 min drive away what will I do for 6 hours with newborn etc.... I can’t get housework done etc so it’s just time wasted. I wouldn’t want to drive the 45 mins back home to then have to drive it back about 2pm.... astbat woykd also cost an extra £200 a month in petrol.

It’s just a logistical nightmare that would make more if we moved.

What would you do in my situation??

You've described him as "lovely" and "nice" but I've yet to see ANY example of this! Being "good with money" doesn't count (and I agree with pp - careful or controlling/stingy?)

He has made NO real concessions to having children in his life, he's unsupportive, doesn't consider others opinions, needs or wants and expects you to just somehow "manage" all the difficulties caused by HIS refusal to even compromise on distance from his workplace!

I REALLY wouldn't be having a child with this selfish arse! I can absolutely see him expecting you to do ALL the graft associated with a baby (I REALLY don't see this guy doing early mornings even let alone night wakings!) on a budget HE determines (likely with NO idea of the real costs of raising children)

It's a disaster waiting to happen - except for your existing children it already HAS!

I've said it before but I honestly Fucking despair of how often on these boards women screw over their kids for a man!

You should NEVER have agreed to the move to his in the first place, your children should have been your priority. You could reverse that decision but I have a horrible feeling you won't and will give in to his desire to procreate and then you and all 3 children will be sacrificed at the altar of this dicks selfish ego!

I hope I'm wrong I REALLY do, but I fear op will be talked round and quite possibly within 5 years find herself an impoverished knackered single mum of 3.

Ahh and you even describe him as "tight" seriously get the hell out of dodge! This guy will NOT cope with the expense and tension of teens in his home!

"You have put material possessions and your partner before your kids." I completely agree.

I can see your kids choosing to live with their dad when they hit secondary age and you wouldn't have a leg to stand on op.

"7yo7yo how?" You honestly seriously cannot see? It positively drips from your posts! So much about the material benefits of being with this man, things kids REALLY don't care about! A big house, fancy holiday, tutors, "nice" area BUT they're not near their dad, friends or school and are stuck in a car 90 mins a day!! These are things that YOU like, YOU are swayed by.

You've said NOTHING about the relationship between dh and dc (which I think is INCREDIBLY telling) you haven't even said much about your relationship on an emotional level.

FOUR people are ALREADY being inconvenienced on a daily basis to suit ONE man's needs. To add a FIFTH into that and a baby at that is INSANITY!

And quite separate from all this are the FACTS that conception, pregnancy, birth and health of the baby after 40 ARE riskier, higher rates of infertility, mc, premature birth, pregnancy and birth complications, the baby having certain conditions... It's a hell of an ask of him.

Although I have to agree with the many that it was madness to move...

My eldest goes to a school that out of traffic is only a 10min drive BUT because of traffic it takes 30mins there and 30mins back everyday. I have a younger DD and honestly it’s fine

Perhaps I'm selfish, but there is no way I would have a baby unless I myself wanted one, especially at your age OP, and especially for someone who you readily admit is selfish. All this on top of everything else you're worried about would make you a fool to agree to start a family with this man.

I cannot believe you have uprooted your DC like this so your DH doesn't have a 40 minute commute.

It's Fuck All and completely different for him to do it than for you to do it with DC and baby (as well as moving DC away from their dad and friends. Plus DH would only have to do the trip once a day.

Your poor children

Are you sure you want to have a child with such a selfish man?

There are s lot of good points here but basically it comes down to thsee figures:

if you move you and your older kids will have v little driving to do but your DH will have 40x2x5=400min. He is an adult.

Let's say they are with you 3 school
nights: If you don't move your older kids have their own rooms and a 40x2x3 =240min/week commute (plus more to see friends when older?) and you and your baby have 40x4x3=480min/week. The baby would be in the carseat for 80min at a time and it will totally disrupt the routine & sleep and you will be driving tired.

If you were a dispassionate manager of this situation what would you decide?

OP you saw the choice as move in with this man where he wants to live, or carry on living where you were without him. I can see why you moved... It was always move to where he wanted to live, or nothing.

Op, this is how you've explained it. Which is why everyone thinks your DH is a shit.

Even without the 2 existing dc, this man sounds like a shit, but with them plus the unbelievable expectation to add a baby and still carry on like this - what an utter shit.

@Novembersbean

"I can see the benefit of living in walking distance to the school, and don't think moving is a bad idea but I don't think he's been selfish for living close to his work..."

Well, of course if he doesn't have kids he would not realise what a move meant so maybe he is not selfish so much as unconcerned for the affect on the kids.

"...especially given that he has been the main earner for her and her kids. By all accounts he's already been pretty selfless there."

If he is supporting his wife and her kids that is great, and what I would expect from anyone who married a person with kids.

I would not say he was a completely selfish person, I don't know him! I just feel the kids living far from school is more of an issue than him having a 40 minute commute.

"...we actually chose to live close so that he would be able to be home early enough to spend some time with the family before my daughter goes to bed." That's great and what I would expect from most new dads too. And not having family support is now very common, I think. I have very little support from wider family but friends with kids have become my support.

Are you in catchment area for your children to get into a secondary school in your home town 40 minutes away? I can't see how you would be able to do this ? Plus at secondary it's nice to be a bit more independent and travel yourself.

What has he actually done for your relationship? What has he sacrificed/changed/facilitated? Because you’ve given up and sacrificed a hell of a lot. Now he wants a baby and for all of you to sacrifice and run around but he can’t make the one sacrifice that will make lots of peoples lives better? He’s a selfish prick and you know that or you wouldn’t be posting on here. He either moves to your hometown or there’s no baby. Then see how much he wants you and this baby. Don’t put up with this

As always, I agree with everything Graphista said.

@thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter thank you.

Babies are hard work and put a strain on the most equal, collaborative relationships. Sleep deprivation is no laughing matter!

Any woman would be foolish to have a baby with a man who is completely unwilling to compromise.

Compromise and willingness to try other things is CRUCIAL in caring for babies.

I'm sure I remember vaguely trying to bargain with now ex over a 6 month old teething dd that if he'd let me get 2 hours sleep I'd make his favourite cake the next day! Bonkers! Iirc he countered with an offer to cook AND do the dishes

Having a baby with someone who by the sounds of things would expect his life to just carry on as before is insanity.

OP you can’t reply on your kids getting in the grammar school as I assume it’s as competitive as the grammars around here.

And if your eldest is 11 hasn’t that decision already passed? Entrance exams would have happened for that cohort no?

Hope the ‘chat’ went well and you have found a solution to keep you all happy

Catchment is a red herring as presumably the secondary application would be made from the ex-husband's address.

40mins is completely normal commute for any adult, I do this my husband does longer. It’s not fair on children. It does seem like madness to move your children away from their home and father and school so your husband doesn’t have completely normal drive of 40mins!

@Phineyj well school applicants are meant to be from the main residence. I'm not sure if any proof is actually requested in reality. But in theory any benefits such as child benefit are not should not be claimed from the OPs address if that's not their primary residence. I guess if they do a 50/50 it's a grey area, but then the op would is only be driving a few days a week with a baby if they are 50-50. I wouldn't want to do it, mine have always been bad in the car until forward facing age. The baby would get used to it, but the petrol would be crazy. It all seems better to move back to hometown or not have a baby. It's a fair enough compromise on both sides I think.

Thanks for all the replies.

UPDATE

We had the chat this morning and I explained my reasons for wanting to return to my hometown. It worked fine up until now but as everyone has said, once my oldest two are at secondary I would like to give them a bit more freedom etc... (pp is right, we can use dads address for secondary school so that’s no problem)

It worked fine before but as they get older I want to be closer. I didn’t think he’d be over the moon but I wasn’t expecting his harsh reply. He said absolutely not!!! Wouldn’t even discuss it. At that point I lost a lot of respect for him. His reasons were that it’s me who’s changed my mind and he doesn’t want to move from his home town.

I just said ok, but my brains going continuously wondering what the best thing to do is. He doesn’t yet know that I’m thinking this but I’ve got enough money to rent some where until our house gets sold.

When I said he was very black and white this is the perfect example. He believes I said if travel it would be fine and it was but it most certainly wouldn’t work with a baby and even without a baby I want to move back for my older two kids sake. I suppose I hoped he would understand and come too but point blank refused (and to even discuss it).

So there we have it. I’m still in shock really but hey ho I’m better off without him.

Sorry to hear this OP, but at least you know where you stand. What a selfish man! What is your plan? Do you think he realises how important this is to you?

@Bucatini Thank you. I think he’s too selfish to see it from my point of view. I did say that you know that it would be much easier for me if we moved! He just kept saying that when we first got together (4 years ago) I said it would be ok with me doing the journey.

I can’t argue with that because I did say it would be ok and yes I’m the one that’s changed my mind but so what. Surely I’m allowed to, especially if we bring a baby in the mix. When I originally said it, we didn’t actually live together and so I wasn’t fully aware of the drain the journey would be.

I think I’ll need to rent somewhere on my own and be on my own. I can’t be with someone who is that unwilling to compromise.

You need to put your kids who are here now first and move back. Do NOT have a baby with this man, I hope you have some bombproof contraception.

I'd rent somewhere else.

He isn't really able to be in a relationship with someone who has kids already and needs to move on.

He just kept saying that when we first got together (4 years ago) I said it would be ok with me doing the journey.

I can’t argue with that because I did say it would be ok and yes I’m the one that’s changed my mind but so what.

Four years ago he said he didn’t want a baby with you. Everyone changes their minds!

Honestly, if he can’t understand that people NOT changing in response to circumstances is much more of an issue then yes, I would make plans to be alone.

@Nosquirrels Thank you. I probably wasn’t very clear but he always said he wanted a baby or to try for one and I did agree to this. He would put things like his job etc in front of it and wanted to make sure we had about £20k in savings etc which of course is sensible on the one hand but OTT on the other. It’s not like I’m nearly 30, I’m almost 40 so part of me thought if he was that bothered he would have wanted to try sooner.

Everything is on his terms and he doesn’t really provide financially for my two DC as that’s between myself and their dad.

He’s a pain in the arse my husband actually when I think of it

Good luck OP. Hope you find somewhere to live that works better for you and your DC, and leave this selfish tosser to the pleasure of his own company.

Wow! Wouldn't even discuss it?' He expects your marriage to be a dictatorship with him as Kim!

That's not a marriage!

Don't blame you for considering it over and be looking to move on. Wishing you much luck with this - if this is how he is while you're together he's going to be MURDER to divorce.

Make sure you've got good back up for this.

If he changes his mind when he realises that you are prepared to leave him over it, will that change your decision?

Oh gosh! Well you know where you stand then. What a d*ck!