To think DH is the one actually being selfish??

[Sammyp235]

I could really do with impartial advice from everyone. It’s my first real post asking for opinions etc... so here goes.... thanks in advance.

Long story as short as I can make it.... I moved about 40 mins away from my home town a few years ago as that’s where DH lived and worked. He used to do about 60 hours per week with work and I was part time so I decided I would move there to make it easier for him as he was the main earner.

I also have two of my own DC who live with us but are very close to their father and spend about 3 days/nights per week with him too. He still lives in my home town and that’s where my DC go to school. We just drive every morning the 40 mins which is fine. It’s all very amicable and it works for us all as my children still see us both most days.

DH wants us to try for a baby. Now I’m not against having a baby but where we currently live, we have no family support. In my home town I have family support if need be.

The issue is, he doesn’t want us to move house!! He wants us to stay here, which means I’ll have to drive every day with a newborn to drop my older two off at school 40/45 mins away. Sometimes I’ll drip them off in the morning then pick up after school. I just feel overwhelmed as I know how difficult this will be. Where as he seems to think it’s all fine.

I could move my two older children to schools closer but I’m not prepared to do that as I don’t think it’s fair on their father or my little ones. I don’t want to unsettle them when they’re happy just because DH isn’t keen on moving 45 mins away. (I’ll point out that my gone town is bigger with more amenities than where we currently live)

The more I think about it the more I get annoyed as he knows deep down it will be easier for me if we lived near my little ones school etc and their dad. Yes it will be a bit rubbish for DH having to drive 45 each way after work but I don’t ask like I’ll manage.

DH has always been quite selfish as he’s been able to due to his up bringing. Even now he sometimes seems to be the father and I’m the child with regards to mover etc....

I’m almost 40 (youngest DC is 6 oldest is 11) so I actually don’t feel the need to have another one and I would mainly be doing it for him. Don’t get me wrong, if it was here I would dote on it no doubt but it’s just a concept right now. It may be that I can’t get pregnant etc. I just feel it would be so difficult unless we move closer. For example I could drop my youngest off at school then walk home with baby get jobs done etc then pick up at 3.30. If we live 45 min drive away what will I do for 6 hours with newborn etc.... I can’t get housework done etc so it’s just time wasted. I wouldn’t want to drive the 45 mins back home to then have to drive it back about 2pm.... astbat woykd also cost an extra £200 a month in petrol.

It’s just a logistical nightmare that would make more if we moved.

What would you do in my situation??

You don’t want a baby

He works 60hrs a week

And will leave you to get on with the whole thing, unsupported.

Do not do this! You’ll be making a massive mistake.

If he is black and white then just say: ‘no, it doesn’t work for me’

End of conversation.

I’d understand his position if it meant moving out to the boondocks with a huge commute but 45 mins is nothing! What a weird reason, is that the only reason or is there maybe more to it? Either way if he can’t compromise to getting up a little bit earlier to get to work then I wouldn’t be having a baby with him.

Does he have any children? Does he know how much pregnancy taxes a woman’s body? How much work goes into looking after a baby, toddler, small child etc. If he’s asking you to make all of these changes to suit him then him moving a bit further away from work pales in comparison to what changes you will have to make and if expressed in that way maybe he might see how silly it is?

YANBU.

He sounds selfish. Your dynamic of him as parent and you as child (did I read that right) sounds unhelpful.

I would not have another child in these circumstances.

If you both want another baby I'd move back to a good location for support for all kids and then try.

He doesn't sound like he will be much help/support so think carefully about fulfilling his wishes if you are not keen.

And I am not sure what you will do all day in your home town with a baby! Hang around at someone else's house for 6 hours? Sounds like a nightmare waste of time.

I had my 3rd at 42. It was very hard work. DH stepped up and helped. No way could we have done it without 2 of us fully on board.
Will your dh change his life style and working hours to help? Or will he just leave everything to you?
Reading your posts it sounds very much like the latter.
When you have a baby after a big gap, it impacts everybody's lives.
I wouldn't change anything, btw, I adore my 3rd child. But it sounds as if your DH has no real understanding of what is involved.

It was a bit mad to move for your husbands convenience at your children’s expense,

You can say that again! I can't believe you did that. I can't believe he agreed to it. He sounds very selfish indeed, but then why are you running around after him and his wants?

I'm concerned that he can't see that this set up is a problem (because frankly, it's a problem already).

With a baby - this set up becomes off the scale ridiculous and that's patently obvious.

So why can't he see the issue? What's wrong with him, that he thinks this is a reasonable set up for you, your dc and a further baby/toddler?

He really must be a selfish prick or an absolute moron??

@Whatevskev I agree with what your saying about him being totally selfish. I just wanted to affirm that I’m not being the unreasonable one and it looks like the vast majority of posters agree.

ooh I missed the 60 hours a week. That is not easily compatible with being a good parent and partner really. I get that sometimes people have to do it, but it's wrong that they have to do it. I wouldn't bring a baby into that situation, I'd be too resentful.

I wouldn’t be having a child with him. You both should want a child and having one to please someone else is never a good idea.

I don’t think he’s selfish not wanting to move as the situation works now and going from two to three won’t really change that. If anything, given you plan not to work, logistics etc will be easier.

If he was selfish he wouldn’t be prepared to finance you not working plus provide two children that aren’t his his with a home etc.

As a side note, not sure why you can’t do housework with a baby. Millions manage to.

DH has always been quite selfish as he’s been able to due to his up bringing. Even now he sometimes seems to be the father and I’m the child with regards to mover etc.... yeah, not sure having a child and giving up work to do so is a good idea regardless of where you live.

How long until you're having to ask his permission to spend his money on things he has to decide if you need or not?
Who is doing the school run for the 6? weeks or so if you have a C Section or however long with other difficult complications?
How long are newborns meant to be in the car for? Even assuming its ok to do it one run i assume you'd
leave yours at say 7.50, drive 45 minutes to school, unload kids and newborn (i'd say into a sling so they get a break from the car seat) and drop kids off. Back to car for 9. Possible need to feed / change baby.

Home for 10.15. So 2.5 hours?
Then out at say 2.15 to get to school for 3 to get baby out, get in a sling and pick kids up, possibly feed and change baby so home for 4.30? so another 2.5 hours
That's crazy. Ok it isn't 5 days a week if their Dad does some days but still, that's now how i would want to spend best part of 5 hours a DAY with a newborn. You're home for 4 hours in the middle during which i assume you'd be expected to do all the housework, play, feed and change baby, get dinner ready etc.

Nope.

Can you not compromise and move so your about 20mins from either? My school run is 20mins both ways, I have 2yo and he copes fine, previously it was 30-45mins (very unpredictable traffic) and it was hard work with a newborn (making sure he would feed enough in the morning to cover the 1.5 hours, finding somewhere to stop for nappy changes if needed, screaming because he was in the carseat too long) I too refused to move dd schools, we compromised and it works now. It's not impossible. It just depends on how much you are both willing to adapt and how much you actually want this

Your life is not compatible with having another baby. Tell him this and stick to your guns.

You'll be miserable.

As a side note, not sure why you can’t do housework with a baby. Millions manage to.

If we live 45 min drive away what will I do for 6 hours with newborn etc.... I can’t get housework done etc so it’s just time wasted. I wouldn’t want to drive the 45 mins back home to then have to drive it back about 2pm Op was saying on the days she does drop off and pick up she wouldn't go home, so wouldn't be at home to do housework, she'd just hang around in hometown with baby.

"He is a lovely person I just have to remind him sometimes of other points of view. He’s quite clear cut black and white whereas I try to see all the shades in between if that makes sense."

This translates as 'he's a lovely person... as long as I jump through 50 hoops a day to make his life easy because otherwise he might say me and my kids are too much 'bother' for him. He'll get annoyed and leave me. He is opinionated and finds it very hard to see anyone else's perspective except his own'.

He is getting his own way a lot. You are 'commuting' to your real life every day and then commuting back to his life to make sure the dinner is on.
If he's a lovely person then he will move house back to your home town because that is actually where you want to be. This baby is a red herring that is just drawing you out and forcing you to look at what you really want.

Id be asking him how he will be changing his work pattern to fit in with being a father, because it wont work with the current situation.

No you aren’t being unreasonable. It sounds totally unworkable with the current set up. Life is all about compromise, you already did by moving. If he wants this so badly (and why shouldn’t he have his own child, if you do too) then he neeeds to compromise too. Fuck his upbringing which made him selfish, he needs to learn now that life doesn’t revolve solely around his wants.

I too would consider whether you want to have a baby with someone who describe as selfish. My husband is one of the genuinely nicest people I’ve ever met, and we struggled when I was mid thirties. Babies do that, they find the slightest chink in a relationship. If you already think your partner is selfish and uncompromising, a baby will be th nail in the coffin. Are you up for a third on your Own?

Your reasons are sound for moving. He hasn't much of a leg to stand on to refuse, except that it's "easier for him" which is just purely selfish.

However, is there a midway town that's not so far for either of you? Maybe 15 mins from your hometown and only 25 mins from his work?

Do you actually wish a baby? You can't have a baby for someone else. That's a shocking idea that will only breed resentment.

If you decide you do then why not comprimise and move half way. So each of you has twenty mins or so?

You have compromised and done the commute for the last few years. Now its his turn to do the same, if it is HIM pushing for the baby. And for gods sake dont give up uyour job and become dependant upon him.

you can move back in a few years time when your kids leave secondary

1. You moved house making life easier for your DH but more difficult for you and your children. Which I think is crazy just for a start.

1. Your DH works 60 hours a week. This is bound to lead to about 47 different problems in your life.

1. If you had a baby he would probably do bugger all to parent it from the sounds of it.

1. He allowed you to move making life more shitty for your children. I just think that is so selfish.

Best of luck!

How an earth will you manage when new baby starts school. You won't get a place in your home town, how will you get one child to school locally and the other 45 minutes away?
Your partner is being selfish. Plenty of people manage 45 minute work commutes, my husband's is an hour each way. It's not ideal but no way would I move to the town he works and ferry the kids each way every day. It's not fair on them. How do you manage when they want friends to come and play?

I’m actually grateful for all your replies so thank you. DH and I will certainly be having a chat about this tonight!!

(Also, he doesn’t work 60 hours a week now it’s only about 40! Which is another reason I think he’s selfish)

Don’t get me wrong he is a nice guy. He’s very good with money (whereas I’d probably blow it haha and he’s very sensible etc... a bit OTT in my opinion but hey ho)

Another reason I moved here was the houses are cheaper so it meant DC could have their own room etc and a relatively comfortable life. I don’t feel 40 mins is too far, although any further and I wouldn’t have agreed to move here in the first place. There’s a great bus link and train service and also my DC do stay with their dad a lot and he picks up after school sometimes too.

If I worked full time (I would need to if I was on my own) I wouldn’t be home until late I anyway so they’d need to go in to childcare if done description anyway whereas at the moment generally I’m there to pick up when I’m not working.

I think there’s plenty of children especially in the south that go to schools that are 40 mins away door to door and I agree it’s not ideal but then living on my own in a rubbish area where I probably wouldn’t be able to afford a car (so it would take me more than 40 mins to get them to school on a morning, as I wouldn’t be able to afford to live in the nice area where the schools currently are) wouldn’t be ideal either.

These are the reasons I decided that the commute was manageable and it still is, but not with a young child. Again I could move them to a school around the corner here but I don’t want to uproot ten from their friends.

We try to do the best we can under the circumstances. I feel so far I’ve tried my best but living here with a newborn, then toddler etc... is just one step too far

Hubby is going to get a talking too tonight! Thanks so much for all your advice, much appreciated xx

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss i hear what you’re saying h about the reasons he’s not selfish and that’s the partly the reason I made the decision to move here in the first place.

I was meaning I would be hanging about in a different town waiting g fir my DC to finish school so it would be a complete waste of time when I could be doing jobs at home-if we moved.

@SleepingStandingUp This this and this! X

Most children I know who go to school 40 minutes or more away - at Primary age use a dedicated school bus. Those at secondary use a school bus or public transport.
The only person I knew who did a comparable commute - did it temporarily whilst sorting out a divorce from her husband.