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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is the one actually being selfish??

162 replies

Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 10:46

I could really do with impartial advice from everyone. It’s my first real post asking for opinions etc... so here goes.... thanks in advance.

Long story as short as I can make it.... I moved about 40 mins away from my home town a few years ago as that’s where DH lived and worked. He used to do about 60 hours per week with work and I was part time so I decided I would move there to make it easier for him as he was the main earner.

I also have two of my own DC who live with us but are very close to their father and spend about 3 days/nights per week with him too. He still lives in my home town and that’s where my DC go to school. We just drive every morning the 40 mins which is fine. It’s all very amicable and it works for us all as my children still see us both most days.

DH wants us to try for a baby. Now I’m not against having a baby but where we currently live, we have no family support. In my home town I have family support if need be.

The issue is, he doesn’t want us to move house!! He wants us to stay here, which means I’ll have to drive every day with a newborn to drop my older two off at school 40/45 mins away. Sometimes I’ll drip them off in the morning then pick up after school. I just feel overwhelmed as I know how difficult this will be. Where as he seems to think it’s all fine.

I could move my two older children to schools closer but I’m not prepared to do that as I don’t think it’s fair on their father or my little ones. I don’t want to unsettle them when they’re happy just because DH isn’t keen on moving 45 mins away. (I’ll point out that my gone town is bigger with more amenities than where we currently live)

The more I think about it the more I get annoyed as he knows deep down it will be easier for me if we lived near my little ones school etc and their dad. Yes it will be a bit rubbish for DH having to drive 45 each way after work but I don’t ask like I’ll manage.

DH has always been quite selfish as he’s been able to due to his up bringing. Even now he sometimes seems to be the father and I’m the child with regards to mover etc....

I’m almost 40 (youngest DC is 6 oldest is 11) so I actually don’t feel the need to have another one and I would mainly be doing it for him. Don’t get me wrong, if it was here I would dote on it no doubt but it’s just a concept right now. It may be that I can’t get pregnant etc. I just feel it would be so difficult unless we move closer. For example I could drop my youngest off at school then walk home with baby get jobs done etc then pick up at 3.30. If we live 45 min drive away what will I do for 6 hours with newborn etc.... I can’t get housework done etc so it’s just time wasted. I wouldn’t want to drive the 45 mins back home to then have to drive it back about 2pm.... astbat woykd also cost an extra £200 a month in petrol.

It’s just a logistical nightmare that would make more if we moved.

What would you do in my situation??

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 28/09/2019 12:23

He’s very good with money (whereas I’d probably blow it haha and he’s very sensible etc... a bit OTT in my opinion but hey ho

I may be wrong but this is ringing alarm bells.

Careful or controlling?

LannieDuck · 28/09/2019 12:24

You moved house (partly) so DH didn't have to do a 40 min commute, but it meant your kids had to do a 40 minute commute instead. That's crazy.

And now he's not willing to do a 40 min commute to save you, two children and a baby all having to do a 40 min commute every day.

If he's so keen on a baby and you're not really bothered (I think that's what I'm understanding), why doesn't he go PT and you go FT? Then he can do the school runs. Maybe then he might agree a 40 min school run is ridiculous.

I'm serious, btw - he wants a baby, he can take the career hit.

Novembersbean · 28/09/2019 12:25

I can see his logic moving that far away if he was working long hours and would rarely be at home due to long commutes as a result. But now that he is working less hours as you say it would be more reasonable. If you moved to a midway point neither of you would be travelling very far - 20 minutes is perfectly reasonable.

I think the bigger issue is that you don't seem to agree on whether to have children. Does he have children of his own? Personally I think you dismissing his desire to have children is more selfish than what he is doing - fair enough if you don't want more but you need to be upfront about that and understand that it's perfectly normal and unselfish of him to want his own. It's a relationship deal breaker and you probably need to go your separate ways if he wants one and you don't.

TatianaLarina · 28/09/2019 12:27

I agree with everyone. If he wants a baby he can move. If he won’t move that’s that.

He can’t have life all his own way with kids involved.

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2019 12:29

I agree with everything that's been said.

Just to add, you'd have a fourteen year old and a toddler. That's a difficult mix when they go to school on ypur doorstep, so you are aware of, bullying, drugs/alcohol and their peer group.

I can understand your reasoning, there's been incentives for you to accept this movr. But the fact that your DH has put himself in front of your children, doesn't bode well for life with a teenager.

PoloM1nt · 28/09/2019 12:30

Why can't you move half way between the two so you both have a 20 minute commute?

Italiangreyhound · 28/09/2019 12:32

OP I used to live in London and everyone was commuting. Even now on a rural locatipn I do a 30 minute commute for a part-time job.

Your husband doing a 40 mimute commute for a full time job is really nothing big. And much easier than you and several cjildrem doimg a 40 minute commute to school and a part-time job!

I 'd suggest you move back even if you do not have a baby.

Span1elsRock · 28/09/2019 12:32

I feel really sad for your DC that you've turned their lives upside down in order for him not to make any changes at all.............

You really need to take those rose tinted glasses off OP and see the light. You've not found a nice guy, you have found someone uncompromising, selfish and whose needs will always come before yours.

Italiangreyhound · 28/09/2019 12:34

He needs to compromise not the kids. Everyone habong a 20th minute drive is a crazy compromise. One person having a slightly longer drive is better than teenagers not being close to friends and not living close to school and you not being near support with a young child.

Original poster
Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 12:35

@katewhinesalot I do think it comes from a good place. He wants to make sure we have enough in savings etc before we spend on luxuries. He’s always been very careful and sensible with money which has enabled us to buy a nice house etc... we do have different views on this though. For example he told me he bought a razor for £45 and I said why you telling me lol he said oh it’s quite expensive.... he’s a bit tight really is probably the best way to describe him x

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 28/09/2019 12:39

Ok then. Only agree to a child if he compromises and moves back otherwise the logistics make it impossible.

jennymanara · 28/09/2019 12:40

You do realise OP that you have put your DP before your own kids?

DecomposingComposers · 28/09/2019 12:41

How can this arrangement work in the long term?

If you have a baby what if you have a c section and can't drive for 6 weeks? You'll have 2 other children that you won't be able to get to or from school. How will that work?

Then, longer term, you'll have 2 children at schools 45 minutes away and where will your youngest go to school - there (but will be so far out of a catchment area that it might not be possible) or where you currently live? How will you manage with children going to schools 45 minutes apart?

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2019 12:42

Do you have savings or does he?

Is your house fully joint, are you married?

How will him being tight translate for a teen, who has suddenly got expensive?

Original poster
Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 12:43

@Span1elsRock there’s really no need to feel sorry for my DC! They are happy children who have a great relationship with their dad too. The reason I do this journey is for them!! Had I been selfish I could have said right I’m moving them schools to the one over the road.....

DH has a descent wage. We have a 5 bed detached house with plenty of space. My kids have been to Florida, they get everything they need. They have a private tutor to help them with school. Believe me, they are happy!

If I didn’t meet DH I don’t know where I would be living because I couldn’t afford to live anywhere nice. So they’d live in a not so great area, having to share a room which won’t be great as my oldest gets older and feeds their space. They probably have to move schools anyway so more uprooting.

So not really sure why you’re focusing on that. I’m talking about if we have a baby...

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/09/2019 12:49

Dhs work for the past year is now almost an hour away. No way would we move for this. You have been very foolish to do this for your husband to the detriment of your kids.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/09/2019 12:49

Oh and no, don’t bring another child into the mix.

TooManyPaws · 28/09/2019 12:53

Bloody hell, my commute to work is 35-40 minutes and I think that's bliss after years of commuting to Edinburgh by car and train. He is off his rocker. I like the thinking time to myself.

Novembersbean · 28/09/2019 12:56

Italiangreyhound

Why is it a crazy compromise to drive 20 minutes? I drive further than that to get to the other side of my city, that is not a long journey.

I'm really baffled by everyone saying how selfish it is of him to want to live close to his work - he is the main earner which presumanly befefits her kids. It's not his fault she is unwilling to move their school which is a perfectly viable option, it's not on him to make all the sacrifices so they don't have to be impacted at all if he is also providing for them.

merryhouse · 28/09/2019 13:00

Does your older child definitely have a secondary school place?

Even round here (where only one of the 6 schools ever gets over-subscribed) I'm not sure there's anyone who lives 40 minutes drive from their state comprehensive.

Original poster
Sammyp235 · 28/09/2019 13:03

@jennymanara I’m not sure how you’ve come to that conclusion? As I’ve already said, I chose to move here as ultimately it meant my children would benefit from it too, ie living in a nicer area, having their own bedrooms, not struggling for money, getting to go on nice holidays, private tutors to help them.... they don’t have to do the commute there and back every day as their dad picks up as well.

If I didn’t meet my husband again as I’ve said, I wouldn’t get to spend as much time with my children as I’d be working full time. I would hardly have any money and they’d probably have to move schools anyway to somewhere close to where I could afford to live. (Probs couldn’t afford to run a car so even living in my old town it would take more than 40 mins to get them to current school on the bus)

Equally I could have said right I’m moving so you’ll have to change schools to here. I chose not to do that so you see, I weighed up the pros and cons and decided that it was worth it for them!

OP posts:
LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 28/09/2019 13:03

As they become teenagers going to school in your old town their social life will be there and si is their father who it seems they have a good relationship with. I think you'll find you'll see less and less of them and then the five bed house in a nice area is irrelevant. If you moved back closer to where you were before there could be compromise, eg he has a 30 minute commute you and the DCs have 10-15. I was listening to a thing on radio 4 yesterday (it was about snow clearance and gender but that's irrelevant), they pointed out that most men do a simple two journey a day commute in a car. Women are a lot more likely to do linked micro journeys, DCs to school, then to work, then pop to shop on way home for essentials, then pick up DCs, then home. If your journeys aren't comparable in their simplicity the impact on the person doing the longer journey isn't the same.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 28/09/2019 13:04

Also the options shouldn't have to be, be alone with DCs in old town or move to where DH lives. If you have a five bed house in the South, you've got money. You've just got an inflexible husband who puts his own needs before you or the children, he'll be no different with a baby.

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 28/09/2019 13:07

Oh and you have two DC surely a 3 bed would suffice, 4 with a baby of you want them to have their own rooms. So it doesn't matter of the old town is more expensive

Derbee · 28/09/2019 13:17

I don’t think it sounds like a treat to have a private tutor when you are 6 and 11 Shock

But that aside, I wouldn’t even consider having a baby in your situation. Your DH is selfish. The commute for the children is going to become a problem as they get older and want to hang out with friends after school etc.

If he’s black and white, “no move, no baby” should be clear enough got for him. I would also agree a time limit on when you will all be moving back to your home town, and he’ll be taking the turn to commute.

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