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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for cash instead of presents at kids party?

493 replies

HuntIdeas · 28/09/2019 05:29

My twins are having a 5th birthday party next week and have 50 guests between them! I’m starting to freak out about the number of presents they will get and where to keep them in the house (plus all that extra plastic that will end up at the dump). WIBU to send a group WhatsApp message asking not to bring presents or to put a bit of cash in a card and I can take them to get something they choose? How could I word it?

Most guests are their new classmates (only started 3 weeks ago), so I don’t know the parents

OP posts:

AJPTaylor · 28/09/2019 07:22

Put half to one side and donate to the local Christmas appeal. New toys are gratefully received and could make a massive difference to another child's Xmas.

Diaryofalways87 · 28/09/2019 07:22

My friend recently asked for £5 from everyone for her DS's birthday party because he wanted something for their garden. Didn't even cross my mind that it was cheeky. Don't really see the issue personally.

RicStar · 28/09/2019 07:24

OP as you acknowledged it's too late to change it now - when you send out invites I would be fine if someone ask for token amount of cash (and was clear it could chink not fold) instead of gifts. I would never bring nothing.

stucknoue · 28/09/2019 07:24

I suspect the food bank will take toys and craft kits to give to families at Christmas.

DressingGown · 28/09/2019 07:26

Cite the environment. “No gifts please and in return we will send you home with only a slice of cake.” (But you’re probably too late now if it’s only a week away).

HavelockVetinari · 28/09/2019 07:27

I think the idea of saying no gifts but if you would really like to then £2 for their piggy banks as they're saving for something is great! I'd love it as the parent of an invited child, one less bit of faff!

qualityheat · 28/09/2019 07:29

Slightly against the grain here, but I think it is possible to do this in a nice way. We have a friend who includes a little note with party invitations that's really well worded and has always been well received amongst our friendship group (AFAIK).

I wish I could remember exactly how she puts it, but she has a sentence explaining the context - something like "the boys have lots of wonderful toys and so we are trying hard not to add too many more "things" into our house", then says that your presence at the party is a lovely gift and so please don't bring anything with you. Then she finishes by saying if you feel you really have to give the child something special, a small contribution towards a fun activity would be gratefully received, and she specifies "no more than £5". When I've given cash in the past they've texted me a photo later of them doing whatever activity with a caption saying "thank you for my birthday money, Aunty Quality, I've used it to have fun here at....".

Maybe others would interpret that as smug or whatever, but I really respect that she 'owns' the reasons for it and is true to her values in that way. Sometimes being straightforward in that way is OK, I think!!

CadburysCremeSmeggs · 28/09/2019 07:30

CF of the year award goes to you @HuntIdeas

vdbfamily · 28/09/2019 07:32

I do not think this is cheeky providing you suggest an amount that is small. I think most parents would be relieved. A message along the lines of, ' there is no obligation to bring a gift but if you want to contribute a £2 coin towards the gift of a scooter ( or whatever), please just sellotape one to the card. Thank you.'

PumpityPumpPump · 28/09/2019 07:32

When we had big parties, they always got too much. Anything I knew they wouldn't play with or already had as add it to the 'present cupboard'. These then get donated, regifted or given away at a later date. Now they are older, they actively participate in what to keep and what goes away.

IdiotInDisguise · 28/09/2019 07:34

What about the people who knows both your kids, do you ask twice as much? They are not getting two parties.

Honestly, if you are worried about the tat, say thank you gracefully and donate it or ask for no gifts.

MutedUser · 28/09/2019 07:35

@qualityheat what you mention is totally different as you say the mum asking is a friend. The OP doesn’t know the parents and hasn’t even met them yet so strangers.

Bluewall · 28/09/2019 07:39

I usually as mentioned above as well and anything which is a doublet or I think they won't play with much or they have something similar I will put away to donate to the toy bank at Christmas. We have been able to donate big hauls the last couple of years and it feels nice to think that they will put some joy into a littles ones Christmas.

I have tried asking for no gifts twice (not money instead just said please just come enjoy the party) and both times every single person brought a gift.

Bluewall · 28/09/2019 07:42

Oops so many typos meant

As someone else already mentioned above anything which is a doubler or I think my kids won't play with much/have something similar I will put away to donate to the toy bank at Christmas.

tinabloodysparkle · 28/09/2019 07:43

I think you can ask for money but the amount needs to be really low £1 or £2 max ie a lot less than you would've spent on plastic crap for the birthday child.

I'd be delighted with that request.

PhilCornwall1 · 28/09/2019 07:47

I think if you ask for cash, you'll have a few less than 50 there. It's cheeky.

If you are worried about space for toys, why did you invite that many people? Seems a crazy amount to me.

Paddingtonthebear · 28/09/2019 07:49

My DD is having a party this weekend. I wouldn’t dream of asking / telling parents what they can or can’t bring as a gift. I have been told “no gifts” once on a party invitation for quite a young child and I thought it was just quite mean. I think just let kids have a nice birthday and accept any gifts graciously. If you think gifts are “tat” probably just keep that opinion to yourself.

Chocolatelover45 · 28/09/2019 07:51

I like the second hand gift idea. Most people will have something at home they don't want so it will be easy. It's a bit more fun than asking for money, and doesn't put pressure on anyone.

Unsureofthescore113 · 28/09/2019 07:53

I love the idea of £1 or £2 for their piggy bank 👍 in fact I’m going to steal it for my DS’s party in a few months! He gets so many presents it’s ridiculous and that way people feel like they are still contributing but with minimal effort. Fantastic idea!

CecilyP · 28/09/2019 08:03

Why is no presents mean? The children are lucky enough that their mum has organised a massive party for them. I’m sure they will get proper presents from parents, family and close friends. It is also unlikely that people you don’t know very well will gift anything other than plastic tat. Of course OP is not going say anything to people’s faces.

OP you have already said no gifts so you can’t now ask for money! Perhaps the coin thing will be an idea for future years. Although some parents will be looking for an opportunity to offload the plastic tat that their kids have received,

Soontobe60 · 28/09/2019 08:03

@SnorkMaiden81
Honestly I don't think there's anything more vulgar or a more clear indication of who someone really is than them requesting cash instead of a present at any occasion.

So you think it's less 'vulgar' to receive presents that may be unwanted, duplicates, unsuitable or just plain awful for the sake of having good manners? There are many cultures where the giving on money as a gift is the norm. Are they vulgar? Or is it just not 'British'?

As a parent whose children must have attended hundreds of parties, I would have loved to have slipped a fiver in a card rather than try to second guess what the recipient might like for the same amount.
When my DDs did receive cash, we then would go in a shopping trip to spend it, and also put some of it into their piggy banks.

ImogenTubbs · 28/09/2019 08:05

OP - do you know any of the parents? I don't live in the UK and it's absolutely the norm where I am to give cash, but the way it usually works is that another parent coordinates contributions and then buys a couple of larger things as a present from the whole group. That way the child gets something more expensive/special but there isn't a mountain of plastic. It also sounds less CF coming from another parent as they can say "I thought it would be nice if we all chipped in and got x - who's in?"

TurquoiseDress · 28/09/2019 08:07

I don't think it's right to be asking for the cash from parents

Giving money is the sort of thing family/grandparents might do, not parents you've known for 5 mins

Plus that's the excitement of children's parties- opening the presents!

Too late now it seems, but sounds like it would have been better to have a much smaller scale party

EatDiamondsForBreakfast · 28/09/2019 08:08

I would be raging if I got that message.

maddening · 28/09/2019 08:09

No, the only thing you should do is say "no presents" if you don't want lots of gifts.

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