Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask for cash instead of presents at kids party?

493 replies

HuntIdeas · 28/09/2019 05:29

My twins are having a 5th birthday party next week and have 50 guests between them! I’m starting to freak out about the number of presents they will get and where to keep them in the house (plus all that extra plastic that will end up at the dump). WIBU to send a group WhatsApp message asking not to bring presents or to put a bit of cash in a card and I can take them to get something they choose? How could I word it?

Most guests are their new classmates (only started 3 weeks ago), so I don’t know the parents

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 28/09/2019 08:30

paper

Fair enough if you’d specified Aus from the outset you may have got a different response. But I still think it’s rude to specify the actual amount you want people to give.

HoHoHolyCow · 28/09/2019 08:30

I might get flamed for this, but I think it's a bit mean to ask for no presents on behalf of young children (unless they have suggested it themselves).

How would you like it if your DH sent people a WhatsApp asking them not to buy you anything for your birthday because he didn't want the house to be full of clutter??

Fleurygirl · 28/09/2019 08:30

I was "one of those Mums" at least 10 years ago. We are in Ireland and our class sizes are quite big, at least 30 kids per class. I have 4 kids and every weekend at least 2 of them were going to parties. I really resented the amount of money I was spending on other kid's birthdays, and driving to the toy shop, buying plastic rubbish for 15 euros, plus wrapping etc.

I had heard about the "cash in a card" idea from other schools and thought it was such a good idea. So I bravely suggested it at one of my kids parties. Put it very nicely, like no presents please, we all have so much, but if you feel like you'd like to give the child something, €5 in a card would be more than enough. I was very nervous about it but it was a huge success, and within a year or two all parties were happening that way
It makes it one million times easier for all of the parents, it prevents the enormous waste of money on plastic tat, and it begins to teach kids the value of money and how saving works etc. Plus, they get to choose something they really want.
They still get presents from family members etc.
Its a total win-win, but mostly I love it because it saves me from having to buy endless presents for all the parties they go to. Now I just need a steady supply of cards and 5 euro notes!!

inesj · 28/09/2019 08:31

I don’t know if this would work for you in the future @HuntIdeas, but at my children’s school, we tend to go for group presents so the birthday child gets one or two bigger, more expensive items.

Once the invite has gone out, one of the parents in the group will contact you and ask what the child would like (things like a scooter or a game console) and then collects donations (it’s usually a tenner transferred to their bank account) from those who accept the invite. Then, they either buy it or give you the cash and stick all the kids names who have contributed in a card.

It works really well and just cuts down on all the unneeded tat.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 28/09/2019 08:32

It’s really rude to ask for cash but you’d end up with far less than 50 guests as the parents make their own conclusions.

I think saying no gifts is wrong too. It says I don’t trust you enough not to bring tat etc. I also feel sorry for the child who doesn’t get a say in the decision but know presents are usually part of the party experience.

If you get duplicates, you just give them to the local playgroup or charity. Nothing has to end up in landfill.

intermittentfasting · 28/09/2019 08:33

As others have said you absolutely can't ask for cash.
Next time don't invite 50 kids to their birthday party, which will be really overwhelming for a lot of kids and probably end in a lot of tears and fighting.
Just have them invite their 5 closest friends each.

SaraNade · 28/09/2019 08:33

At 5 years old, presents are important. They have no wish or need for money. It is like suggesting giving a child money on Christmas day, instead of having presents under the tree. Imagine that. Imagine waking up and seeing no presents and being told 'we asked Santa to give you money instead'. What reaction do you think that would net you? Complete anti-child friendly. The best part, as a 5 year old, is UNWRAPPING BIRTHDAY PRESENTS! That is the entire pointof a birthday party when you are 5. Cake and sweets are nice, but the main event for a 5 year old is PRESENTS!!! People know that all this stuff (gifts, plastic, toys) goes with having a child/ren. People surely know this before they decide to bring children into the world. And every present was fun, new and exciting to me. You are talking about throwing away presents given to your children? You sound very greedy, cheeky, and very very selfish. Their birthday is about THEM, as children.

It is not about you. Try thinking with the mind of a child and through their eyes. Go and tell them they are getting no birthday presents, and only money. Tell them for Christmas Santa is not giving them any presents at all, just giving them some money.

See how far that gets you with 2 screaming, crying five year olds. Go on. I dare you. See how that goes down. Good luck with that!

inesj · 28/09/2019 08:34

You can give whatever you want, obviously - it’s just usually £10 in my experience.

OMGshefoundmeout · 28/09/2019 08:35

I would send out the message but say no presents please. With all the excitement of the party I don’t think your D.C. will miss them. Quite apart from the logistics of opening and transporting 50 little bits of tat I think getting 50 gifts could be overwhelming for anyone let alone a 5 year old.

Singlebutmarried · 28/09/2019 08:35

Crikey. Last birthday we asked for cash as DD was saving up for a ginormous Lego set. But that seems to be what the parents do at the school we’re at.

There’s almost a collective sigh of relief when the request for ‘cash towards xxx’ is on the invite as everyone is fed up with the plastic tat for £10 and under that you know will get binned.

Heronwatcher · 28/09/2019 08:35

Good grief, ignore the Pearl clutchers and virtue signallers. If I saw a request along the lines of “please don’t feel that you need to bring a present at all, but the twins are saving for x and so if you wanted to make a small donation they would be delighted” I would be very happy to bung a fiver in a card and give a sigh of relief, without any thoughts that you were grabby! In the alternative you could speak to a sympathetic and efficient mum or dad on the quiet and ask them to co ordinate a collection for one big gift, or an annual membership to a zoo- then you do the same for them.

Basil90 · 28/09/2019 08:37

That's so tacky and classless. Either say no presents and leave it at that or you could do no presents but do a little collection for a charity of the children's choice

Heronwatcher · 28/09/2019 08:38

I have been to literally hundreds of kids parties and no one has ever asked for a donation to charity or second hand gifts (which misses the point a bit if the issue is space at home).

FamilyOfAliens · 28/09/2019 08:38

inesj

I think making a bank transfer of £10 from one parent’s account to the other’s completely removes any element of it being about a child’s birthday.

It turns it into a business transaction.

MutedUser · 28/09/2019 08:38

@HeronLanyon the OP already requested no presents with the invites. It’s only now she wants to send out the group message about cash.

HoHoHolyCow · 28/09/2019 08:40

I do actually think asking for money towards a big item is sensible if DC agree, but it needs to he done when the invitations are sent out, not a week before the party when people might have already bought something!

ILoveAllRainbowsx · 28/09/2019 08:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

MutedUser · 28/09/2019 08:41

@FamilyOfAliens totally never mind all the responsibility it puts on the parent being left in charge of collecting all the money. Chasing up people who hadn’t paid etc.

CecilyP · 28/09/2019 08:42

How would you like it if your DH sent people a WhatsApp asking them not to buy you anything for your birthday because he didn't want the house to be full of clutter??

Seriously? Do grown women really expect birthday presents from people other than partners or close family?

FamilyOfAliens · 28/09/2019 08:42

Good grief, ignore the Pearl clutchers and virtue signallers.

Have you missed the posts saying a cash present just wouldn’t be possible for some families?

SaraNade · 28/09/2019 08:44

This is why whole class parties are absolutely effing ridiculous, unless they've all been at the same school for years and all know each other. Parents make such stupid decisions that are clearly not thought through very well. You're setting yourself up and making things harder for you.
They're 5 years old. How many friends could they possibly have? If their birthday was much later in the year, the kids know everyone better, it might be ok. But, another thing you clearly didn't consider, as someone else said above, that 50 children, most whom they don't even know, could be perhaps VERY overwhelming for a 5 year old. If you don't have an incentive to cut back the list to 10, or 20 MAX, with the presents and plastic and catering, then how about actually thinking that 50 may be overwhelming for your children, that they may not be able to actually cope with that many. Once again, a parent does everything wrong possible. Invites 50 kids who don't know each other - meltdowns, etc. 50 kids to cater for. 50 games, party bags, 50 kids to keep an eye on. 50 x the plastic and presents. 50 overwhelming guests for two 5 year old little children.

Sigh. All a parent needs to do is a) think as a child and b) use logic. There appears to be absolutely no consideration for two small 5 year old easy to overwhelm and over-stimulate children, or for the actual logistics of 50 children as guests. Imo you are doing absolutely every thing wrong that you can do wrong.

greathat · 28/09/2019 08:44

Just make a note of who gifts what and regift. You'll have the years supply sorted

Mintypea5 · 28/09/2019 08:45

Why not give the ones you don't want to a children's charity of something? Lots of places start asking for Christmas present donations for children around now

SinkGirl · 28/09/2019 08:45

The best part, as a 5 year old, is UNWRAPPING BIRTHDAY PRESENTS! That is the entire point of a birthday party when you are 5. Cake and sweets are nice, but the main event for a 5 year old is PRESENTS!!!

You gave no idea that this is the case for these children - very much depends on the children

SinkGirl · 28/09/2019 08:46

Why not give the ones you don't want to a children's charity of something?

What’s the point in accepting plastic tat you don’t want to gift it to charity?

I would much rather give a child £5 to spend towards something they want than give them something they don’t want to donate, because asking for cash (of probably lesser value than the gift) is “grabby”. Absolutely bizarre attitude.