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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think OH is acting suspicious

249 replies

Lindum08 · 28/09/2019 00:24

Me and OH have been together for 7 years now, we have an 8 week old DD. Things have always been rocky and he has flipped between wanting to be a single guy playing the field and then missing me.

Anyway, throughout my pregnancy and the first month of DDs life we have been amazing, he’s been so supportive and helpful.

However this last month he has been distant and on his phone a lot, the other day I saw a message from a woman, we will call her Anne. Anne had said “I live in XXX so not far” however OH said it was someone from his work asking about a work do for someone birthday and seeing if she could catch a ride with him.

Anyway, he told me yesterday that he’s meeting up with 2 of his friends in the town centre to go to the pub for the day, til about 6pm. I said okay. the friends we will call Alex and Pete.

Important point about Alex and Pete is that they live round the corner from us.

So this morning he asks me how long I think it’ll take for him to walk to the bus station from our house, I ask why.
He says that’s where he’s meeting his friends.
I asked why because they live 5 minutes away so you may as well walk down with them or taxi share etc
He laughs nervously and says “well they’re already in town anyway “

The bus station is right down the bottom of the town centre at the bottom of the hill, the pubs etc are all uphill, so are we.

So I question why he is going to waste time walking all the way down to the bus station to walk back up to town centre, when his friends are already in the town centre.

He laughs again and goes “ I don’t know, that’s just what Alex said”

He went out at 1pm smelling of aftershave and dressed really nice (smart casual)

He got back at 11pm (not 6pm as he said)

The place where this Anne said she lived is on a major bus route, therefore unless she drove, she would have to get the bus as it’d take hours to walk.

AIBU being suspicious and thinking he met Anne today and not his friends? Or am I being paranoid

OP posts:
Fiveletters · 28/09/2019 21:37

I’m really sorry to hear your last update. You deserve so much better for yourself and your daughter. I hope you have supportive people around you to help you through Flowers

Can you tell him to leave?

Lifeisabeach09 · 28/09/2019 21:52

Kick the fucker out!!! (When you get the strength too)

Flowers, OP. Cheating prick!

Original poster
Lindum08 · 28/09/2019 22:03

Thank you everyone, I can’t believe the support I have gotten from you all ❤️ Still not really sinking in to be honest.
I’ve told him he needs to move out tomorrow and he said he will.
He’s on the sofa tonight and I’m in bed with DD. Going to be w long night I think

OP posts:
suggestionsplease1 · 28/09/2019 22:21

So sorry to hear this OP. You're probably in shock right now but, if your experience is anything like mine, that might help you manage the next few hours / days more smoothly so that you can do what you need to do to get him out of the house and act practically to take care of your needs and DD's. Take care of yourself.

Sortinghatton · 28/09/2019 22:22

Well done for standing firm Lindum. You're right, it's going to be hard tonight and if you're sad that sounds completely normal too. It's good that you're taking care of yourself yourself and your little one too. You both deserve much better than this.

If you need to chat during the night, I'm sure there'll be someone here to talk to. Hand holding in the meantime.

bakesalesally · 28/09/2019 22:25

What a pig. I'm so sorry OP.

Ridiclious · 28/09/2019 22:29

I'm so sorry Lindum08 I'm glad you got to the bottom of it quickly so you don't have to feel he's been mugging you off for ages.

He's cheated. That gives you the 'out' you needed to cut him loose as a partner. Yes he's still DD's dad and he may well turn out to be a good one. But you know he's a shit partner and you know it for sure now Flowers

Original poster
Lindum08 · 28/09/2019 22:32

Thank you everyone, I have my mum staying over for support next week bless her. In the meantime I’m also thinking about when he will see her from now on as I’m still breastfeeding and was planning on doing it til around 6 months, so obviously he can’t have her for a whole day.
What’s reasonable for an 8 week old baby?

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 28/09/2019 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Sortinghatton · 28/09/2019 22:37

That's great that your mum's being so supportive !
My immediate thoughts about when would be good for your baby to see her dad is ideally when it would be good for you and her. Is there a good time that springs to mind for you ?

Winterlife · 28/09/2019 22:40

OP, I'm not in the UK, but I know here, at that age, a father would only have a few hours with the baby, as many times per week as the mother allows.

TokenGinger · 28/09/2019 22:46

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NearlyGranny · 28/09/2019 22:46

Don't snoop on your partner's phone. That's boundary breaching. Just ask him, surely?

Check his story with his mates, see if they babble guiltily or look blank. It does sound as if he may have emotionally exited the relationship.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 28/09/2019 22:51

NearlyGranny read the thread!

Winterlife · 28/09/2019 22:55

Don't snoop on your partner's phone.

Nothing indicates OP did snoop. However, you are wrong, because in a good relationship, there are no secrets, and either party would be free to look at the other's phone.

My husband knows my phone password, I, his. I don't look at his phone, nor he mine because we know we each know we don't have to. Nevertheless, he is free to look at my phone any time, and I, his.

Nanny0gg · 28/09/2019 23:01

@NearlyGranny

Read the OP's posts or at least the one before yours before you post!

OP - really sorry. But best to know rather than constantly wonder.

He doesn't sound like much of a loss either. Flowers

NearlyGranny · 28/09/2019 23:15

Sorry, cardinal error, failure to RTT!

More sorry you are going through this, but better to know now than later. BF babies don't overnight stays with separated dads - it is never expected and it would be quite unreasonable for him even to ask. I doubt he would want the responsibility and hard work anyway, on present showing. It's too soon to be deciding things like this really, but your brain must be whirring.

I wonder if the woman he's spending time with knows he's responsible for bringing a new little life into the world a few short weeks ago or if he's edited his DC - and her mother - out of his story?

ELM8 · 28/09/2019 23:21

Really sorry, that's awful. Well done for not sticking your head in the sand and getting to the bottom of it. You have your lovely new baby to focus on and you will get through this whatever you decide! Thanks

Wilmalovescake · 28/09/2019 23:36

I’m so sorry OP. What a piece of shit he is.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 28/09/2019 23:55

I'm so sorry OP. At least you know the truth I guess and your daughter wont have to go through the stress of you breaking up when she is older, she is so little that this wont affect her.

If you're breastfeeding her then at that age they can somehow need a feed an hour after the last one. I'm no expert but woukd suggest frequent small visits for him eg an hour 3 times a week, maybe at home if you can stand it incase she needs you?

I hope it all works out for you. I have a feeling after reading all your posts that this will be the start of a positive change in your life. As well as being a dick he also sounds stupid with his unconvincing excuses and lies. Good luck with everything

Sparklesocks · 29/09/2019 00:00

I’m so sorry OP, you deserve so much more ❤️

MemorylikeDory · 29/09/2019 00:23

OP I'm so sorry you're going through what you have to go through right now. It's not about what's reasonable right now, for now it's about what's right for your newborn and for you. Take the next couple of weeks to establish what routine you want to and when you're ready you can let your DCs Father have some time to see them but as you say if your breast feeding for as long as you hope to be, access will only be for a couple of hours at a time. Good luck OP.

Charliecatpaws · 29/09/2019 02:24

OP I. Sorry to read your updates, he’s an absolute prick. Good to hear that your mum will be with you to support you in the next few days, keep breastfeeding it’s good for you and your DD and don’t worry about your ex having contact at the mo, DD is so little she won’t remember and her wellbeing is important at the moment, you’re too, look after yourself and surround yourself with family and friends. Best wishes for the future x

crispysausagerolls · 29/09/2019 07:01

Frankly at 8 weeks I would think he has two options:

  1. to come and sit in your house for 1-2 hours and cuddle baby. Assuming you don’t want this (I wouldn’t)
  2. to take baby for a walk and get a coffee or something and cuddle baby then walk back.

8 weeks is tiny, and shouldn’t be away from you long anyway so you aren’t being unreasonable to limit their time. If he valued his time with his child he should have thought about that before doing this. In no way should his actions prevent you from parenting as you want (e.g breastfeeding for 6 months).

You are very brave.

MutedUser · 29/09/2019 07:16

As your breastfeeding a 8 week old he can’t take the baby away. I would say he would have to come round and see her at yours. If you don’t want to do that then it’s his own fault and he will need to live with it . Maybe he could take the baby out a walk for a hour close to your house .