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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think OH is acting suspicious

249 replies

Lindum08 · 28/09/2019 00:24

Me and OH have been together for 7 years now, we have an 8 week old DD. Things have always been rocky and he has flipped between wanting to be a single guy playing the field and then missing me.

Anyway, throughout my pregnancy and the first month of DDs life we have been amazing, he’s been so supportive and helpful.

However this last month he has been distant and on his phone a lot, the other day I saw a message from a woman, we will call her Anne. Anne had said “I live in XXX so not far” however OH said it was someone from his work asking about a work do for someone birthday and seeing if she could catch a ride with him.

Anyway, he told me yesterday that he’s meeting up with 2 of his friends in the town centre to go to the pub for the day, til about 6pm. I said okay. the friends we will call Alex and Pete.

Important point about Alex and Pete is that they live round the corner from us.

So this morning he asks me how long I think it’ll take for him to walk to the bus station from our house, I ask why.
He says that’s where he’s meeting his friends.
I asked why because they live 5 minutes away so you may as well walk down with them or taxi share etc
He laughs nervously and says “well they’re already in town anyway “

The bus station is right down the bottom of the town centre at the bottom of the hill, the pubs etc are all uphill, so are we.

So I question why he is going to waste time walking all the way down to the bus station to walk back up to town centre, when his friends are already in the town centre.

He laughs again and goes “ I don’t know, that’s just what Alex said”

He went out at 1pm smelling of aftershave and dressed really nice (smart casual)

He got back at 11pm (not 6pm as he said)

The place where this Anne said she lived is on a major bus route, therefore unless she drove, she would have to get the bus as it’d take hours to walk.

AIBU being suspicious and thinking he met Anne today and not his friends? Or am I being paranoid

OP posts:
Shadenevermadeanybodylessgay · 28/09/2019 09:56

Do not check his phone.

EVER

That's some batshit crazy stuff. If you suspect him, ask him. If you don't believe him, leave him!

PhilCornwall1 · 28/09/2019 10:06

Have a tracker put on him if poss.

Bad advice. If there is absolutely nothing going on and he finds out he's being tracked, he could end it. I bloody know I would. If it's getting to the stage of tracking, the marriage has had it anyway. Legally this could be dodgy, if he is unaware.

Why not just stand in front of him and say what you are thinking and go from there.

SherbetSaucer · 28/09/2019 10:29

Things have always been rocky and he has flipped between wanting to be a single guy playing the field and then missing me

Probably not the best situation to bring a child into!!

avocadoincident · 28/09/2019 10:37

I would lull him into a false sense of security. Act nice as pie, don't question him. Then he'll let his guard down and you can check his phone

Tokenismjest · 28/09/2019 10:45

Why on earth did you have a baby with someone when your relationship has always been rocky?

FilamentBabe · 28/09/2019 10:51

Have you got Alex and Pete on any social media? You could have a nosy and see if there's anything on there about their whereabouts that night?

I caught my dh messaging another woman at the beginning of the year so I'm really sorry your having to deal with this. My spidery sense was tingling long before I actually discovered for sure and I wish I had took note of it more and did some digging. Instead by the time it all came out he had been able to delete everything so I will never know for sure how far over the line he crossed.

Play it smart and dig before any confrontation.

LagunaBubbles · 28/09/2019 11:00

So your relationship is rocky and you have a baby? And yes I've no doubt sone people will reply what's the point of saying that as baby is here now, well there us every point. So many threads from women having children with awful to abusive men, poor children growing up in these enviroments.

JollyAndBright · 28/09/2019 11:09

Do not check his phone.

EVER

That's some batshit crazy stuff. If you suspect him, ask him. If you don't believe him, leave him!

100% this^

Without trust the relationship is pointless, you may as well just cut your losses and leave.

Checking his phone, trying to track him or sneak around investigating him is ridiculous, just talk to him, if you can’t trust him and you don’t believe him your relationship is over anyway regardless of whether he is up to anything or not.

nancyjuice7 · 28/09/2019 11:18

Check his wallet receipts etc. Lock yourself in car or bathroom and read his phone.

People saying ask him - like men cannot lie? And sometimes very well.

Squirrel any money you can away Thanks

snowball28 · 28/09/2019 11:34

‘Just ask him’ yeah like men don’t lie through their back teeth when caught cheating ffs 🙄

Oodlesandpoodles · 28/09/2019 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

crimsonlake · 28/09/2019 11:42

Since you say your relationship has always been rocky...why on earth did you have a child with this man???
Regardless of your suspicions, his behaviour is terrible and I would be packing his bags for that.

peppinanna · 28/09/2019 11:50

Same thing happened to my friend when her baby was born. He was always the stay at home type then weirdly started going to "snooker club" every Tuesday and then kept going out for drinks with "mates". Would say he would be back at 10 latest and would rock up at 2am!!
She did some investigating and worked out his password for his Facebook etc and turns out all those times he was meeting another woman Sad

peppinanna · 28/09/2019 11:52

Also agree to looking at Alex and Pete's social media - Facebook Instagram twitter etc, maybe they have been tagged in something which shows whether they were with your husband or not

zzzzzzzz12345 · 28/09/2019 11:52

Feel for you OP. None of us can tell you anything, you’re going to have to go with your gut and see what happens. The ‘don’t check his phone’ stuff, I can see what people are getting at but, personally, at 8 weeks post partum with all the hormones and sleep deprivation that entails, and the focus needing to be on your baby, I would definitely do this. Doesn’t make it right but I would want to know once and for all.

If he never leaves his phone unguarded then I would ask him outright to see messages. If he says no, I’d leave him anyway. You don’t trust him. Is rocky regardless. Babies test the best of relationships, sounds harsh but yours doesn’t seem destined to survive anyway.

You need all your wits about you to plough into your baby and your recovery. This is sapping you. Make a decision and stick to it,prioritising you and the baby. Consider whether you want to be with someone you don’t trust, who goes out for whole days drinking when you have a tiny baby, anyway. I wouldn’t. Consider whether you can do this whole shebang much better, calmer, happier on your own, whether he is cheating or not.

courtlee · 28/09/2019 11:54

People saying don't check his phone just leave if you don't trust him etc ... would it not be easier to know the truth then leaving. I know I would be having a look if I was in that situation

LaurieFairyCake · 28/09/2019 12:01

Yes, sounds like he was with this other woman

Wilmalovescake · 28/09/2019 13:01

It does sound suspicious OP.
I would also check his phone, card transactions and his friends social media.
TBH though if my husband went on an 11 hour drinking session when I had an 8 week old baby it would probably be the end for me unless there was a VERY good reason.

Heymummee · 28/09/2019 13:11

Don’t let on to him that you’re suspicious.
Try and gather some evidence. It does sound very strange, but just act normally because otherwise he will start trying to cover his tracks. Are you able to casually ask Alex and Pete if they had a good night?

PhilCornwall1 · 28/09/2019 13:15

People saying don't check his phone just leave if you don't trust him etc ... would it not be easier to know the truth then leaving. I know I would be having a look if I was in that situation

Interestingly, not long ago there was a thread on here where a husband was suspicious and had checked his partners phone, he was flamed to hell for invading privacy. Is there a difference here?

Original poster
Lindum08 · 28/09/2019 14:36

Sorry guys I’ve been out all morning and only just got the chance to check the thread.

OH still distant but I got a text from a good friend, she said she saw OH last night walking past a particular takeaway place which isn’t in town, it’s about a 40 min walk from the town centre.

I asked him why he was there and he said his friend recommmended the pub there, I said “but there’s loads of pubs in town, why would you go 40 mins out of the way to this random pub”
He just said his friend said it was good there.
I’ve told him I’m I need to speak to him later, I’ll ask him straight up and judge his reaction

OP posts:
Original poster
Lindum08 · 28/09/2019 14:37

To add- the pub in question is a crap pub haha

OP posts:
Original poster
Lindum08 · 28/09/2019 14:41

I’m 99% sure he met her, if he did then it’s 100% over I can tell you that.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 28/09/2019 14:45

You’re right to call it a day OP - he’s entirely untrustworthy and you know it.

Greenkit · 28/09/2019 15:00

I hope he tells you the truth and doesn't spin a line, however he will damage limitation.

I guess you spoke via phone, and he has now probably deleted all information on there. Is there anything on her insta or facebook or his friends facebook about last night?