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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think OH is acting suspicious

249 replies

Lindum08 · 28/09/2019 00:24

Me and OH have been together for 7 years now, we have an 8 week old DD. Things have always been rocky and he has flipped between wanting to be a single guy playing the field and then missing me.

Anyway, throughout my pregnancy and the first month of DDs life we have been amazing, he’s been so supportive and helpful.

However this last month he has been distant and on his phone a lot, the other day I saw a message from a woman, we will call her Anne. Anne had said “I live in XXX so not far” however OH said it was someone from his work asking about a work do for someone birthday and seeing if she could catch a ride with him.

Anyway, he told me yesterday that he’s meeting up with 2 of his friends in the town centre to go to the pub for the day, til about 6pm. I said okay. the friends we will call Alex and Pete.

Important point about Alex and Pete is that they live round the corner from us.

So this morning he asks me how long I think it’ll take for him to walk to the bus station from our house, I ask why.
He says that’s where he’s meeting his friends.
I asked why because they live 5 minutes away so you may as well walk down with them or taxi share etc
He laughs nervously and says “well they’re already in town anyway “

The bus station is right down the bottom of the town centre at the bottom of the hill, the pubs etc are all uphill, so are we.

So I question why he is going to waste time walking all the way down to the bus station to walk back up to town centre, when his friends are already in the town centre.

He laughs again and goes “ I don’t know, that’s just what Alex said”

He went out at 1pm smelling of aftershave and dressed really nice (smart casual)

He got back at 11pm (not 6pm as he said)

The place where this Anne said she lived is on a major bus route, therefore unless she drove, she would have to get the bus as it’d take hours to walk.

AIBU being suspicious and thinking he met Anne today and not his friends? Or am I being paranoid

OP posts:
SuchAToDo · 28/09/2019 07:30

If Pete and Alex and their partners are on speaking terms with you, try and ask casually to find out if there even was a meet up between them and your husband?

Also next time he puts his phone down, hide it and turn it off...even if you have to put it behind/under a piece of furniture...then leave him looking for it, pop out to a cafe or somewhere you won't be disturbed...switch on and read his messages to the woman and see what is going on...it's the only way you will get to the bottom of it

Notajogger · 28/09/2019 07:31

Good idea from pp to also check the social media of the friends. Do you know the friends partners at all? If you're friends with them, you could put out some feelers there - e.g. "how are you, what have you been up to this weekend" - as unlikely that they'll be in on the deception even if the male friends are.

Poppyfields21 · 28/09/2019 07:31

I initially thought yes he’s up to no good but I can’t get over how blatant it would be?! You’d think he’d try harder to make the story believable which makes me think maybe it IS the truth Confused definitely do some digging

InFiveMins · 28/09/2019 07:38

I would follow him, or get a friend to follow him. I know that sounds weird but no doubt he'll want to go on another one of these days out again soon, so by following him you'll know for sure. If he's cheating you'll struggle to get hold of his phone cos he'll guard it, delete history, or he might catch you snooping and start hiding things better.

Best to pretend to be oblivious to it for now and catch him in the act where he can't deny anything.

StuffYouAllInTheCrust · 28/09/2019 07:42

I really hope you’re wrong but look out for him sticking to his phone. If suddenly he can’t leave the room without it then I would say you’re on the right track. I feel for you I really do Flowers

Apolloanddaphne · 28/09/2019 07:44

That all sounds very suspicious.

Liverbird77 · 28/09/2019 07:44

You could engineer a way to chat with Alex or Pete and breezily say something like; "you'll have to cone round for a drink soon as me and dh haven't seen you for ages".
If they say" but we were only out a couple of days ago", say "oh of course, it's my baby brain!". If they agree, you know you're onto something.
Check the woman's social media again, in case there is anything incriminating.
Keep observing dh behaviour... Is he guarding his phone more than usual? Is he having an image overhaul or working out? Is he home when he should be or, for example, is he often working late recently?
I really hope there is nothing to worry about but, in NY experience, if you think something is wrong, it usually is.

BelleSausage · 28/09/2019 07:50

I would cut to the chase and send Anne a message with a picture of you and him and the new baby. She is probs my blithely unaware.

Ludos · 28/09/2019 07:51

DH did this to me when our DD was 6 weeks old. We got through it, but are now seperating years later. I was stupid to forgive him. Flowers to you

mrssoap · 28/09/2019 07:55

Does sound suspicious... hope u manage to take a look at his phone

PhilCornwall1 · 28/09/2019 07:56

I would cut to the chase and send Anne a message with a picture of you and him and the new baby. She is probs my blithely unaware.

I think I'd get some evidence he was with her first. If that is found, then the gloves are off.

Beautiful3 · 28/09/2019 08:03

Ring up Alex and Pete and ask them, did you go out with my husband last night? Then you'll know.

ControversialFerret · 28/09/2019 08:04

If you feel that you need proof then look at his phone and go into his location history - that will tell you exactly where he was.

But TBH it sounds as if the trust is gone anyway. You can leave a relationship at any time for whatever reason.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/09/2019 08:06

Things have always been rocky and he has flipped between wanting to be a single guy playing the field and then missing me

This, plus a 10h drinking session with an 8wo baby is enough to end this. But yes, I do think there is more to his actions. Not that you would even need it.

JaneyJimplin · 28/09/2019 08:09

Uh yeah, he sounds like a cheater and a thicko.

If you find proof he has cheated, what will you do?

Drogosnextwife · 28/09/2019 08:10

I would have followed him. Sorry OP it sounds dodgy.

Zebraaa · 28/09/2019 08:12

If he is cheating, I also can’t believe how blatant he could be Confused he’s treating you like a sister/friend, he might aswell have asked you how he looks for his hot date etc. How do men (and some women!) have the audacity to act like that. Really hope he isn’t cheating though Flowers

CoffeeNeeded2019 · 28/09/2019 08:12

I hope you’re ok this morning Op Flowers

MarianaMoatedGrange · 28/09/2019 08:13

I would do all of the above. I like the idea of sending a family pic to Anne. If nothing's going on - proud mum sending pics to DP's colleagues or wrong Anne? If something IS going on - Anne will now know he has a partner and young baby.

ShirleyPhallus · 28/09/2019 08:14

Sorry OP, it isn’t looking good

doublebarrellednurse · 28/09/2019 08:41

I hope it's nothing but he's not treated you well up till now OP and if he makes you feel this way what do you want from life with him?

Fookadook · 28/09/2019 09:19

He’s showing all the signs of cheating. I don’t think you should send pictures (why would she care anyway?), or tell him. Do some digging before you react.

Also, this seems to be a pattern of behaviour over the past 7 years. Why have you tolerated it? Do you accept him back every time he decides to return?

fedup21 · 28/09/2019 09:25

He doesn’t sound very sensible asking you for those directions when you knew where he was going and who with?! He clearly doesn’t think things through.

I’d have followed him tbh or tracked him in his phone.

Do the lads he says he went out with have girlfriends you are friends with?

Have you managed to get access to his phone yet?

Ellabella989 · 28/09/2019 09:32

I would be very suspicious of this. I also wouldn’t want to be with someone who was out for 10 hours at the “pub” when I was at home with a new baby. Meeting up for a couple of hours with friends is fine but 10 hours is a complete piss take unless it was for something like a best friend or siblings birthday.
He sounds shady as hell! Hope you manage to get access to his phone but if he’s any sense then he will have deleted everything already.

KUGA · 28/09/2019 09:46

Have a tracker put on him if poss.
He`s up to no good for sure.
And as another m/net said check his phone.