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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think OH is acting suspicious

249 replies

Lindum08 · 28/09/2019 00:24

Me and OH have been together for 7 years now, we have an 8 week old DD. Things have always been rocky and he has flipped between wanting to be a single guy playing the field and then missing me.

Anyway, throughout my pregnancy and the first month of DDs life we have been amazing, he’s been so supportive and helpful.

However this last month he has been distant and on his phone a lot, the other day I saw a message from a woman, we will call her Anne. Anne had said “I live in XXX so not far” however OH said it was someone from his work asking about a work do for someone birthday and seeing if she could catch a ride with him.

Anyway, he told me yesterday that he’s meeting up with 2 of his friends in the town centre to go to the pub for the day, til about 6pm. I said okay. the friends we will call Alex and Pete.

Important point about Alex and Pete is that they live round the corner from us.

So this morning he asks me how long I think it’ll take for him to walk to the bus station from our house, I ask why.
He says that’s where he’s meeting his friends.
I asked why because they live 5 minutes away so you may as well walk down with them or taxi share etc
He laughs nervously and says “well they’re already in town anyway “

The bus station is right down the bottom of the town centre at the bottom of the hill, the pubs etc are all uphill, so are we.

So I question why he is going to waste time walking all the way down to the bus station to walk back up to town centre, when his friends are already in the town centre.

He laughs again and goes “ I don’t know, that’s just what Alex said”

He went out at 1pm smelling of aftershave and dressed really nice (smart casual)

He got back at 11pm (not 6pm as he said)

The place where this Anne said she lived is on a major bus route, therefore unless she drove, she would have to get the bus as it’d take hours to walk.

AIBU being suspicious and thinking he met Anne today and not his friends? Or am I being paranoid

OP posts:
Derbee · 30/09/2019 00:25

I would tell Anne that he has a partner and an 8 week old baby. He might have been lying to her too, and he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it.

DD is too young to be given to him for any long period of time. I would have times that he can drop in for an hour or so. I like the thought of him coming to the house and seeing exactly what he’s missing.

What a fucker

lovealookabout · 30/09/2019 00:30

Let’s be honest, most of the time our intuition is correct. He’s probably lying. Ask Alex or Pete if they let him if you want to know the truth, or go through his phone. If I’m totally honest I think you know he’s up to something and if his past is as you say it is he won’t change, children or not. Don’t waste any more time on him as he clearly doesn’t value you.

lovealookabout · 30/09/2019 00:36

Sorry I thought I had RTFT but my ctrl F left out the crucial updates. What a shit bag. Bin him off and don’t look back, don’t worry about access. Carry on you and baby and he can sort that out, you don’t need to worry about that at all. From someone who finally ended my marriage after 10 years of that shit I can tell you don’t look back, they don’t change they just get better at lying. If he can’t see you being the mother of his very young child as enough for him to be faithful then he will carry on all the time. He’s scum and although she may have been spun a web of lies I do wonder what goes through women’s heads when they meet men in these situations.

Keepitjuicyjuicy · 30/09/2019 04:03

Don't do this to yourself. If he is cheating good luck to him focus on your DD until you have proof and then leave him. Why make yourself crazy over somebody who is happy to lose you?

TheLittleDogLaughed · 30/09/2019 04:07

Has he not shown any remorse OP? Do you think you can tely on his financial support for dd?

TheLittleDogLaughed · 30/09/2019 04:08

Tely = rely.

Tron30 · 30/09/2019 06:18

Trust your spidey senses!!!

Rabblemum · 30/09/2019 06:55

So this man has a baby, a steady woman and does what he likes in a night out, lucky man. Remember while he’s drinking and snogging random women you’re in with a baby, that’s boring and hard work. Later he will probably pose for cute pictures on the beach and get the kudos do being a “grown up “ knowing you’ll put up with his teenage ways. This is an awful deal, save your pennies and get rid of him.

Also if you put up with this bad behaviour he may realise you’ll put up with lots of other bad behaviour and become abusive.

How do I know this, I was utterly in love with a man who behaved like your “man”, he was incredibly abusive, his addictions got worse and I got PTSD.

Get out. This man is bad news.

Rabblemum · 30/09/2019 06:56

Oh yes, and if he “missed” you that much he’d treat you better, he’s a manipulator.

Tommo75 · 30/09/2019 07:39

Similar thing happened to me this summer. Always keep your wits about you. Gather evidence first so you're not jumping to conclusions. I found texts to someone my husband was friends with. I didn't know her. Eventually I learned there was an attraction. Nothing happened but it gave us both the jolt we needed to get back on track. I'll always watch him now. Trust us difficult to recover.

browneyes77 · 30/09/2019 08:08

@SavingSpaces2019 How, exactly, is the moot point you keep trying to make, helping the OP right now?

Why she had a child with this man in the first place is completely irrelevant now because it’s done isn’t it? So continually spouting your mouth off about it, isn’t helping her current situation. So why bother going on about it?

Either offer the OP support or advice, or pipe down and go read another thread.

Lovethetimeyouhave · 30/09/2019 08:16

Oh gosh I am so sorry, when you have such a young baby too! What an utterly awful thing to do!

Attitude84 · 30/09/2019 10:36

Something is definitely not right. Don’t let on you are suspicious, otherwise he will put his guard up and start hiding stuff and trying to hide his tracks. Mention no more of that night but keep an eye on everything and keep searching, checking and watching. My mum always says ‘keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut’. Good luck OP, I’m sorry you’re having to go through this x

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/09/2019 10:44

@Attitude84 He has already admitted cheating.

@Lindum08 so sorry; as others have said, just focus on keeping you and DD going at the mo. Great news that your Mum will be there to support you. Don't even worry about the access arrangements at the moment, just try and get some rest and eat. Kick his sorry arse out. He does not deserve you.

Nettie1964 · 30/09/2019 12:23

I think you already know the answer. He's not v good at covering his tracks!!!

WorkerBee83 · 30/09/2019 13:54

Stay strong and focus on your lovely little DD but also don’t forget to look after your self! Eat well and and if you can have some support from your mum make sure you rest too as it’s so hard with a little baby and whatever you’re going through right now. You deserve better big hugs xxxx

Rubberyduck · 30/09/2019 16:21

So sorry to read this OP, I cant imagine how incredibly difficult this is for you. It sounds like you are much better off without him. Try to just oncentrate on you and your daughter now.

MisfitNinja · 30/09/2019 19:26

My ex DH behaved like this after our DD was born. Whenever I confronted him he made me feel like I was crazy eventually I couldn’t take it anymore and left. And then found out he’d had a string of affairs.

I hope you’re ok. Xx

Pembsgirl · 30/09/2019 22:34

Can I just ask, has he actually expressed any regret about what he's done, or shown any concern about seeing his child? You're already considering his access to your daughter, but if he's happy to do the dirty on you so soon after she was born, I do wonder if he'll actually want any contact at all, so don't worry about what he wants at this stage, just enjoy getting to know your baby and then when/if he asks for access, tell him you need time to think about it but don't rush into accommodating him, let him suffer, he's the one who's thrown his lovely family away. Wishing you strength and happiness in the months and years ahead. Flowers

Lalala89 · 01/10/2019 10:39

Just checking in that you are ok OP?

Lindum08 · 03/10/2019 00:37

Hi everyone,
Sorry for being quiet in this thread, things have been a bit hectic.
I’m in the process Of moving (only around the corner)
Ex has been getting on my nerves with custody arrangements, for which I have just started a separate thread!

Once again thank you everyone for all of your support

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/10/2019 00:53

You don’t owe anyone an update. You don’t need to apologise for not posting.

Why are you the one that’s moving? That’s hard work with such a tiny baby. Have you taken money out of the joint account yet? Will you need to claim benefits? If so, I’d investigate this as a priority.

Mrsmummy90 · 03/10/2019 05:14

How are you feeling op?

He can't do anything about custody right now. Your dd is too young and bf so she needs to be with you all the time!
Take it to court if you need to xx

Catrin70 · 24/02/2020 20:50

I think OP has worked it out for herself - he's up to something with Ann

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