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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to sit at the back

240 replies

Channychanny · 27/09/2019 21:38

Me and the boyfriend live separately. Together for 4 years though. I have a child and so does he. Whenever we go my child gets in the back of the car (teenager). When he picked me up, his adult child stayed in the front seat. Should I be ok with this? I felt uncomfortable and disrespected.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/09/2019 12:48

Well, if we were talking about YOU, Tilltheendoftheline, that would be relevant. But actually, I wasn't. OK with you if I have a different opinion?

melj1213 · 28/09/2019 12:52

My kids are adults through older teens. If we all go together somewhere in the same car they automatically sit in the back. DH drives and I sit in passenger seat ...However, if I am being picked up and one of them is already in the passenger seat, they don’t offer to move and I would never expect it.

This is how it works in my family - if you're all getting in the car together at the same time then its automatic habit that the "kids" get in the back if it's a parent/child group even though my siblings and I are all over the age of 28.

If however a "kid" is already in the car and we go to pick the other parent up they will usually just get in the back, especially if it's a case of being a busy area and the driver is literally pulling in for a few seconds so the passenger can get in for a short journey home/to the destination.

The only exceptions where the kid would move to the back would be if it was for a long road trip where the couple would be more likely to chat and the "kid" to be on their phone or where the adult getting in would need the extra legroom that the kid doesnt.

donquixotedelamancha · 28/09/2019 12:56

I was brought up that the drivers partner eg mum/dad boyfriend/girlfriend aunt/uncle whatever sat in the front and guests/kids/friends in the back....I think it is based on respect.

I'm not surprised that many MNers have weird little quirks of etiquette. What bemuses me is that (presumably) functional adults insist that their practice is 'showing respect' or 'basic manners' and everyone else is wrong not to do as they say.

It's because the driver (male or female) is 'King', most important - and the passenger seat is seen as his/her priority. OP wanted to be the priority and wasn't.

LMAO. I think that's exactly how OP feels.

SoupDragon · 28/09/2019 12:57

It's because the driver (male or female) is 'King', most important

No, I'm just the sucker who can drive.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/09/2019 12:58

That is more or less what I meant, SoupDragon, the driver dictates where the car is going and when.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/09/2019 12:59

donquixotedelamancha... that's what I thought. And I was only talking about the OP as it's clear she's very disgruntled by this.

SoupDragon · 28/09/2019 13:00

Except on all the times they are ferrying children to stuff. I don't feel anything like a king or important. I feel like a servant.

amiapropermum · 28/09/2019 13:00

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe that's exactly how my mother sees it! That she should always be my father's priority. She struggles if anybody else drives the car - I mean, where does she sit in relation to dad then?! What will people think?? They've only been married 43 years Grin

SoupDragon · 28/09/2019 13:00

I'd quite like to sit in the back... [wistful]

WhimToo · 28/09/2019 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLorraDoshaGot · 28/09/2019 13:01

YABU.

randomusername · 28/09/2019 13:02

Not unless you're elderly, which I'd class as 50+. In which case it would be the polite thing to do for an old lady. Although if the seats at back at roomy and assuming it's a 5 door then not rude.

SoupDragon · 28/09/2019 13:03

Not unless you're elderly, which I'd class as 50+

PMSL.And a big 🙄

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/09/2019 13:04

50 is not elderly. FFS

reginafelangee · 28/09/2019 13:04

Really, just pay attention next time you share a car with people you know. Most times the women will be made to sit in the back.

Never experienced this

WindsweptEgret · 28/09/2019 13:06

My 13 year old only gets kicked out of the front seat for his 85 year old great grandmother. The back seat makes him feel sick.

It's first in or needs based in my car.

Bluntness100 · 28/09/2019 13:06

I think this is a very petty thing to be feeling disrespected over. They were already In the front, why should they move to the back.

Honestly op when your need to be prioritised reaches the depths of car seats I think it's going too far.

SoupDragon · 28/09/2019 13:07

Really, just pay attention next time you share a car with people you know. Most times the women will be made to sit in the back.

I was last to be picked up when the car had 2 men in it. The non driver had left the front seat for me (and I wasn't the oldest despite apparently being "elderly")

WindsweptEgret · 28/09/2019 13:08

Just to add, he's been in the front since moving out of a booster at 10. In general I'd put under 12's in the back but he shouldn't have to feel sick.

reginafelangee · 28/09/2019 13:09

Not unless you're elderly, which I'd class as 50+

Good Lord

multiplemum3 · 28/09/2019 13:14

Why is sitting in the back disrespectful? And you expect someone you barely know to move out the front, where it's easier to talk to their dad who they don't see that often, just to accommodate you? Seriously though, whats wrong with sitting in the back?

donquixotedelamancha · 28/09/2019 13:16

donquixotedelamancha... that's what I thought. And I was only talking about the OP as it's clear she's very disgruntled by this.

I think PP imagined you were arguing that as a rational position, rather than reductio ad absurdum :-)

What's terrifying is that clearly some people do feel that way and regard it as some sort of universal code. We get this madness a lot over who pays for dinner, or why you must never joke about any subject, but I must say car seat position is a new one on me.

The irony is that the offended OPs never think to explain their rules to the person who offended them IRL. Presumably because on some level they know they are being silly.

Not unless you're elderly, which I'd class as 50+

Ridiculous. 55+ is elderly, not 50.

iklboo · 28/09/2019 13:22

Not unless you're elderly, which I'd class as 50+

I'm not bloody elderly!

MerlinsScarf · 28/09/2019 13:29

We generally offer the front seat to the older passenger as default, or to a guest. Or whoever is most likely to get carsick! But if everyone is already seated and we're picking someone up, the new passenger just piles into the back.

If there's an ongoing issue with family relationships and everyday respect then I can see why this might flag up for you though.

Sparklemummyx0x0x · 28/09/2019 13:29

If I'm driving and I've got my 9year old in the front seat, in his booster seat, and I've picked my mum up, for example, she's just got in the back. Not bothered. I always offer, but she can't see the point if it's a short journey.
However, he would go in the back if we've got in together.