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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to sit at the back

240 replies

Channychanny · 27/09/2019 21:38

Me and the boyfriend live separately. Together for 4 years though. I have a child and so does he. Whenever we go my child gets in the back of the car (teenager). When he picked me up, his adult child stayed in the front seat. Should I be ok with this? I felt uncomfortable and disrespected.

OP posts:
forgivemeimnew · 28/09/2019 08:18

I agree op. My teenage son would always jump in the back (or at least offer) if I picked up my dh or other adult family members/friend. In fact if we were just nipping to pick someone up he would start his journey in the back of the car so no need to swap seats. I don’t think I would have to tell him though, he would just do it automatically.

Biancadelrioisback · 28/09/2019 08:30

My mum would kick my arse (figuratively) if I offered to move to the back seat for her. She might be 60 but no way in hell is she being treated like an old lady by anyone. My grandma was exactly the same. Children always sat in the back for safety reasons when we were little but sitting in the front as we got older was purely down to who got there first.
Plus my mum likes to pretend we are her chauffeurs when she sits in the back, often giving a royal wave out the window too.
I would only move to the back if the person we were picking up needed more space for whatever reason (we often give DHs rugby mates lifts places and they always look like that really tall man in the small car from the Simpsons when they sit in the back where as in 5"2 so fit quite nicely back there).

NoSauce · 28/09/2019 08:41

What’s your relationship like otherwise?

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2019 08:43

I wouldn't move into the back seat automatically
Weird rules

AloneLonelyLoner · 28/09/2019 08:50

Actually this is interesting. For instance if my partner and I are driving with his mother then I always move for her to sit in front. It just seems more respectful to me. I do question this, because of the PP points nevertheless I couldn't bring myself to not do so.

StCharlotte · 28/09/2019 08:50

OP is it a three door car and did he have to get out to let you in, in which case you might have a point, or is it a five door car, in which case you really don't.

SettyBuarez · 28/09/2019 09:02

I've probably really messed up judging by some of the standards here! I took my blind sister (30) and elderly, frail grandma-in-law (96) out, but sister had to sit in the front with her guide dog and GMIL had to sit in the back because guide dog has to sit with DSis at her feet. That's not to say my DSis doesn't respect my GMIL but her need for the extra space was greater at the time. 🤷‍♀️

AllTheGrrrrsAreTaken · 28/09/2019 09:09

Unless you are at an age at which I would assume you struggle getting in and out of the backseat, or know you have some health issues that might make it difficult, I certainly wouldn't move.

Amme34 · 28/09/2019 09:17

What?!!!!

dudsville · 28/09/2019 09:18

My mum and her husband sit together up front. My father and his wife do the same but she offers me her seat so that my father can hear me - he's quite hard of hearing. I don't have children but I do expect couples to want to sit together and would offer that. Not a respect for age, that's different. With age you get whichever seat is just best for you.

Livelovebehappy · 28/09/2019 09:28

Clearly a step parent issue disguised as a lack of respect one. I’m sure had the passenger been any other person -mother/father/sister/cousin, the issue would not exist, but it’s the same time old problem of power struggle between step parent and step child. Stop seeing problems where none exist OP, and try to focus your negativity on real problems.

KUGA · 28/09/2019 09:32

I would pick my arguments if I were you.
I can`t see what the problem is.

Itsarainyday555 · 28/09/2019 09:35

Surely you just shout 'RELOAD' as soon as you see the car to restart the rules of Shotgun. That's what any normal adult would do...

icannotremember · 28/09/2019 09:35

I think this is a really silly thing to be bothered about.

Original poster
Channychanny · 28/09/2019 09:43

We don’t really have much of a relationship due to the distance. They live with their mum in another country.
I wouldn’t say my opinion is silly. I could say your way of thinking is silly Smile

OP posts:
ChimesAtMidnight · 28/09/2019 10:06

Bloody hell ! It's a fucking car ride ! Who cares who sits where ?
Personally, I love sitting in the back - oh, the joy of switching off, not engaging and gazing out the window.

BilboBercow · 28/09/2019 10:38

You sound very old fashioned op. An adult doesn't take prescenence over another adult by sheer virtue of age. You could say that expecting an adult to give up a selpat they were already in just because you have arrived is showing them that you feel you're more important than them.

anothernamejeeves · 28/09/2019 10:39

So they live in another country with their mum and for the short time they are here you feel they should be chucked in the back so they know their place? Please get a chap with no kids next time

amiapropermum · 28/09/2019 10:46

You're not going to have much of a relationship if you want to assert your supremacy and authority any time you see them. I expect that would be sad for your partner. However, the most important thing is that you feel like top dog, right?!

If you can't see that your own attitude might well cause issues here then you could have problems ahead

Tilltheendoftheline · 28/09/2019 10:48

Why is a seat in the back disrespectful?

Where did this car seating heirachy bloody come from?

My dp always sits in the front. He is 6ft 4in. He cant really fit in the back. The rest of time its just sit wherever. When with my best friend and kids kids sit in the back so they can sit together. But if best friend is just jumping in, and ds is I the front she would jump in the back.

No seat holds disrespect. And if does, why would the adult child be demoted to that seat? Why is it ok for them to sit there but not OP?

You hardly see them. They were already in the car. You have no right to being in the 'well respected front seat', because you are a few yeara older. it's not a big deal.

ddl1 · 28/09/2019 10:55

Frankly, I find sitting in the back more comfortable in any case, unless I've got huge amounts of luggage, or the car is of a sort where getting into the back is more difficult than getting into the front.

Sn0tnose · 28/09/2019 11:04

I wouldn’t say my opinion is silly. I could say your way of thinking is silly

You could, but you’d be wrong.

Aragog · 28/09/2019 11:07

I always try to bagsy the front seat even when with taller people - I'm short. I get travel sick fairly easy so mostly the people I know who I travel with will always offer me the front passenger. Think they'd rather be in the back than a car where there's a risk of sickness!!

I do offer to go in the back, especially with my parents and PILs, and with dh who is a foot taller than me - but I don't turn down offers to go in the front after that as I know it's for the best.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 28/09/2019 11:08

I can't sit in the back seat or i get incredibly car sick, i need to be in front looking out the front window, even looking out the side window in the front seat makes me sick.

Andysbestadventure · 28/09/2019 11:12

Haven't you got more important things to worry about OP? Honestly.

Get a grip. Children are dying somewhere, wars are happening, the world is about to melt and you're arsed about your step child being 'rude' by not moving in to the back seat of a car for your seemingly royal backside 😂