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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to sit at the back

240 replies

Channychanny · 27/09/2019 21:38

Me and the boyfriend live separately. Together for 4 years though. I have a child and so does he. Whenever we go my child gets in the back of the car (teenager). When he picked me up, his adult child stayed in the front seat. Should I be ok with this? I felt uncomfortable and disrespected.

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/09/2019 11:43

Would this step son expect his mother to sit in the back?

If she doesn't have much of a relationship with her ex anymore (as you'd expect), the three of them probably don't tend to travel in a car together. The adult child would therefore be used to sitting in the front passenger seat next to Mum or Dad, who is driving, with the back seat empty.

Quartz2208 · 28/09/2019 11:44

Busy77 what exactly do you find wrong with equal rights for all and respect needs to be earned

CaptSkippy · 28/09/2019 11:47

My mistake. I had misread the post and thought the teenager was sitting in the front.

Still, though. I think it's a weird arrange. And yeah, it shouldn't matter whether someone sits at the front or not, but I find that 9 times out of 10 it does matter. Just like it matters how you look and how much money and influence you have. That's the way the world works, even if I think it's shallow and stupid.

Busy77 · 28/09/2019 11:52

I think it's hard to tell from the OP if it was right or wrong ie. how far was the journey, does it happen every time?

If the people in the story are changed and perhaps let's say a younger mid twenties person and their older boss (post 40) are about to get into a car, let's say a taxi. Do you all think the younger employee would be absolutely right to leap in the front and it would not even raise an eyebrow?

My comments were really about general manners but I see I am in the minority.

Croquembou · 28/09/2019 11:53

In all three instances The boyfriend and his friend sat in the front, while his girlfriend, who lives with him, sat in the back with me.

I'm 5'3, most of my husband's friends are 6'+. I would always climb in the back because of my stumpy little legs.

This thread is odd. The only adult I'd move from the front for would be an OAP. Otherwise, you're getting a lift, jump in where there's room and crack on.

amiapropermum · 28/09/2019 11:53

I don't get people who think that they need to show they are in pride of place next to their partner/husband/whatever. It's a seat!

Busy77 · 28/09/2019 11:53

I am not trying to be antagonist, simply that 20 years ago you would not have so many people disagreeing with the OP

CaptSkippy · 28/09/2019 11:57

I have long legs too, but it was a roomy car. Leg space would have been a poor excuse, especially since my legs are longer than the guy who sat up front. There was just no discussion at all, just an assumption that us women would sit in the back.

amiapropermum · 28/09/2019 11:57

Things weren't necessarily better 20 years ago, Busy. I can think of things that were a lot worse due to 'manners' and keeping things behind closed doors. A lot of things that shouldn't have happened did because manners made everything look nice on the outside and that's all that matters, right?!

You see the OP demanding respect here and not giving any, without building a proper and mature relationship with her partner's sons who live far away. To me, that attitude is really damaging. It says that what's most important is outdated hierarchy and who looks most 'important' in the front seat

Quartz2208 · 28/09/2019 11:58

Busy77 there is a difference between two people netting s car at the same time and deferring then and when they are already there. And between a boss and a employee which is a different relationship

Still your example doesn’t work on a more fundamental level it’s a taxi they won’t would both be in the back or just the boss that is the way taxi work!

Yes I agree there has been a shift change partly because the younger generations are facing up to the mess they are being left by the older obese!

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/09/2019 11:59

They live with their mum in another country
Until this point I was going to say I get where you’re coming from. However your boyfriend hardly gets to spend time with his own child. So on that basis alone, yabvu.

Why not go change the cognitive dissonance and think about how nice it that his dc is happy to spend time with you even though they sees relatively little of his/her father?!

WhimToo · 28/09/2019 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lyralalala · 28/09/2019 12:04

I think it’s so bizarre to expect an adult, that you don’t know well, to get into the back of his fathers car just because you were born first.

In that situation first in the car would sit in the front. Also if they don’t see much of each other I think it’s nicer that they sit where they can chat easier.

Then again given the passenger seat is basically the most dangerous seat in the car I’ve never understood the desperation to sit in it anyway.

Busy77 · 28/09/2019 12:04

I am not sure how you make the jump from basic manners about sitting in a car to covering up atrocities (I assume you mean along the lines of child abuse) - bizarre.

And to whoever mentioned taxis - you don't always sit in the back - and for it being a different relationship it is still one based on respect is it not? Or it is still everyone's equal in every situation.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/09/2019 12:05

It's because the driver (male or female) is 'King', most important - and the passenger seat is seen as his/her priority. OP wanted to be the priority and wasn't.

OP, I understand that you feel sore about it but actually, I'm wondering at your relationship. You've been together 4 years but are only on 'basic' terms with his child? Do you think that might be a factor?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/09/2019 12:06

Posted too soon...

Was going to say, I wouldn't put this to the test if I were you because I think you'd lose - and you think you would too.

It smarts. I get that.

amIstupid22 · 28/09/2019 12:07

I personally think the dynamics/relationships of the people in the car are irrelevant and it's just rude to expect another person to move seats for you when you enter the car.

Why do you think you are "above" his daughter and thus she needs to move to the back when you get there?? Bizarre.

amiapropermum · 28/09/2019 12:09

Busy, because 'manners' and a focus on 'this is how things were done' were an effective shield for inequality, unfairness and lots of other things. As someone else said, we've come a long way in 20 years, in a good sense. So rather than harking back to the good old days maybe it's possible to see that the relationship between the father and his kids is what matters here, not ruffled feathers and a displaced sense of disrespect over the seat of a car.

ThePants999 · 28/09/2019 12:16

Make this your last thread in AIBU please, OP. If you're not prepared to listen to contrary opinions and you're just here for validation, this is not the place for you.

HoppingPavlova · 28/09/2019 12:21

Unless you have some disability that makes your gripe relevant YABU.

My kids are adults through older teens. If we all go together somewhere in the same car they automatically sit in the back. DH drives and I sit in passenger seat (DH hates my driving and claims it makes him sickGrin). Personally I think it’s really weird given I am very short and kids are not. But hey ho, if they are happy to fold themselves up I’m not pointing it out, it’s obviously just habit from when they were young.

However, if I am being picked up and one of them is already in the passenger seat, they don’t offer to move and I would never expect it. I just get in the back. Like a normal person. Without a fuss. And am grateful I got a lift/had my life made easier/convenience.

Seriously, where does the weirdness end? If they pick me up from somewhere and there are two kids in the front (1 driving and 1 passenger), do they both need to get in the back and I drive because I am the oldest Confused. Does the oldest child get the passenger seat when we all have to do this weird shuffle and I become the driver? Christ, people make life complicated.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 28/09/2019 12:22

Was going to say, I wouldn't put this to the test if I were you because I think you'd lose - and you think you would too.

But where is the competition? It's not like his adult child is in any way a competitor for his romantic affections. Most people on MN will have a romantic partner AND one or more much-loved children and manage having those different relationships in their lives just fine.

I'd only see it as something to 'lose' in circumstances where a new partner tries to drive a wedge between their new partner and his/her existing children and seeks to push them out of their lives by 'replacing' them when it's perfectly possible to begin a new romantic relationship AND be a fully loving parent to your children. In such a scenario, I'd completely expect any half-decent parent, being forced by a new partner to choose between them and their kids, to instantly bin off the partner.

HoppingPavlova · 28/09/2019 12:26

Repeat after me people: A teenager is nNOT an adult.

But they are adult height. Mine were taller than me around 13yo. By 15yo boys were over 6’. I am 5’nothing. I don’t really understand your point.

SmileyGiraffe · 28/09/2019 12:27

"respect for older people"? What rubbish.

I know teenagers who are much nicer people than some of the pensioners I am unfortunate enough to know, but I'm supposed to respect the pensioners because they've not died yet.

Aye, right.

Maybe83 · 28/09/2019 12:30

My step son is 22 if he and my dh were out and came to collect me I would sit in the back with our child dd and teen dd.

I wouldnt expect him to move nor my dd if they were in the front. What a palava.

I dont view my position in the family based on travelling in the front seat of a car.

We are a pretty relaxed family though maybe it's why we all get on so well.

Tilltheendoftheline · 28/09/2019 12:39

It's because the driver (male or female) is 'King', most important - and the passenger seat is seen as his/her priority. OP wanted to be the priority and wasn't.

Absolute bollocks. My dp only drives a motorbike. My best friend and her husband dont drive. I have a child and they have 2.

These people are group thats on my car most. I am not king. That's a ridiculous notion. Dp does sit in the front because he is foot taller that my best friend and 6 inch taller than her husband. Not because he is the most important person to me or my priority.

In fact the relationship I have with my beat friend is my priority. He knows this. If there is any combination of people on the car, without do no one cares.

Her husband damaged his knee, so he was in the front for a bit, because he could keep his leg straighter.

The front seat is a seat. Not a demo of who is most important in my life.

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