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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be expected to sit at the back

240 replies

Channychanny · 27/09/2019 21:38

Me and the boyfriend live separately. Together for 4 years though. I have a child and so does he. Whenever we go my child gets in the back of the car (teenager). When he picked me up, his adult child stayed in the front seat. Should I be ok with this? I felt uncomfortable and disrespected.

OP posts:

mrsm43s · 27/09/2019 23:24

My son or my daughter would probably offer up their seat to me, out of respect for me as their parent (I'd refuse), but definitely not on the basis that their Dad ( my husband) is nobbing in a relationship with me!

Longlongsummer · 27/09/2019 23:24

I’m guessing the adult child would move for their mum? So they should move for you.

I only had one step child be very slow to go in the back, and they were the one who had a problem with me. So no, I don’t think you are reading too much into it.

However, pick your battles. This might not be the one to fight!

TheNumberOneSourceOfEverything · 27/09/2019 23:29

Respect is earnt. Someone demanding respect can come across as entitled and rude sometimes. Especially if it's expecting other adults to shift and give you some because you're older.

Id have just got in the back middle seat and chatted to them both.

If you had mobility issues or travel sickness then I'd assume your boyfriend would have told his son and asked him to get in the back, if you have no health issues then your age doesn't entitle you to the front seat.

I'm not convinced it's about age, if his son was driving with his girlfriend in the front and your boyfriend was already in the back would you still be miffed that the disrespect it would you be happy to get in the back and sit with your boyfriend?

bert3400 · 27/09/2019 23:31

I think life is too fucking short.
So what the ADULT doesn't move, what are you going to do about it...stamp your feet & have a hissy fit ?. If that's all you have to gripe about , well thank your lucky stars.

TheNumberOneSourceOfEverything · 27/09/2019 23:34

I prefer the back seat in our car anyway and my teenage dd can have the front. Noise cancelling headphones on to drown B T Fucking S, feet up on empty seats, snug blanket. Sorted.

SconeofDestiny · 27/09/2019 23:35

I have adult step children and if my DH was driving our car, I'd expect to be offered the front passenger seat and then I'd probably nominate the son with the longest legs to sit there. My step sons are extremely polite and well mannered and wouldn't ever make a grab the front passenger seat.

ReanimatedSGB · 27/09/2019 23:41

This is one of the most simultaneously funny and weird threads I have ever read. Because I'm car-free, it's like despatches from an alien world - even funnier than the usual mundane guff about monogamy or housework. Do you people really think that where you sit in a fucking car denotes your status rather than being a matter of who got in first, who's getting out first, or who has the longest legs?

FearOfTheDuck · 27/09/2019 23:47

YABU and sound incredibly petty and self-important. Where you sit in a car is seriously unimportant, and even if it were some sort of status signifier, which it isn't, you don't 'outrank' another adult because you're dating their parent.

Bizarre.

I'd move into the back for anyone who was very tall, or who had mobility issues which meant that the front was better for them. Regardless of their age relative to mine.

Butterymuffin · 27/09/2019 23:47

So is it always the case that the stepchild is already in the car when you get in, OP?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/09/2019 23:48

The way I was brought up older people went in the front almost always. We expect the same of our kids. I get very car sick so I'm not really willing to compromise.

Lucky that children never get travel sick, then, isn't it....?

Walnutwhipster · 27/09/2019 23:56

It's not manners or respect. He is an adult. Get in the back. Unless I'm the one driving I couldn't care less where I sit. This is the weirdest thread I've read.

HakunaRattatas · 28/09/2019 00:02

Why did you post this @Channychanny? You don't want to take other views on board so it seems like a futile exercise

BackforGood · 28/09/2019 00:15

I’m guessing the adult child would move for their mum?

Why are you guessing that?
If I was being picked up from somewhere, with 2 adults already in the car, I wouldn't expect either of them to get out and move for me to take their seat. I'd just get in the empty seat. Same as if I were a passenger in a car which then picked someone else up, I would stay where I was and expect them to get in the empty seat.

5LeafClover · 28/09/2019 00:24

If I was in the car with a friend and we stopped to pick another friend up I would stay in the front. If we stopped to pick their partner up I would offer to go in the back. Never thought about it why before but I would. Practically it means that the two people in the front can have a conversation together more easily. I assume that you would do the same and that's what you were expecting.

It's possible the adult child doesn't think like this and would never move in any circumstances. It's also possible that they think that because they are family or because they don't visit often or because it was a short journey or because they were mid conversation with their dad they didn't need to offer to move for you on this occasion. None of these reasons would be disrespect aimed personally at you.

If they were otherwise warm and welcoming during the time you spent together I would focus on that.

VenusTiger · 28/09/2019 00:27

I wonder if the “adult” child (say adult son/daughter not child) thinks the same if you’re in the front when you pick him up?

You’re equal. Get over yourself.

1forAll74 · 28/09/2019 00:33

For goodness sake, this is a non issue. Even The Queen sits in the back of a car. !

Didkdt · 28/09/2019 00:39

Some of this is cultural and about respect and hierachy. In other countries there would be horror at the scenario described

LionelRitchieStoleMyNotebook · 28/09/2019 00:50

If I ever get into my parents car (not often) my DF sits in the back, he's shorter than me and sees it as a way to get out of driving or navigating. Thinking of it we went out for the day last week me DH, DS and my DF, I was driving, DH offered to sit in the back (6'4) , DF said don't be ridiculous (5'7) it's little ones in the back, meaning himself and baby DS.

Monsterdogs · 28/09/2019 00:58

I hope youre not my stepmun op! I wouldnt think at all about sitting in front seat when she joins the car later on in a journey. Have never ever thought that would be a rude thing to do. And hope she doesnt think that either Is this maybe a cultural thing?

Downunderduchess · 28/09/2019 01:32

When my sister picks me up, my niece (29) jumps in the back & lets me have the front seat. I've never asked her to. I think she does it as a respect thing. I think you mean something similar. Not sure why people are being so hard on you.

Beaverdam · 28/09/2019 07:28

You are unreasonable. He was already there.

LettuceP · 28/09/2019 07:56

I would give up my seat in a car to someone who needed it (same as giving up any seat). So someone with mobility issues, travel sickness or long legs for example. But I wouldn't just give it up for someone because they are older than me or the drivers partner.

My mil tried to tell me to move to the back for her in my dh's car once, I looked at her like she was crazy and said "no, why would I? That's so weird". I actually thought it was only my batshit mil who thought like this but obviously I was mistaken

I honestly think this thread is crazy, a seat in a car is just a seat in a car. If dh picked me up and had my 4yo dd in the front (unlikely because its not as safe as the back) then I would just get in the back without a thought, I'd get in whichever seat is free.

Beautiful3 · 28/09/2019 08:00

Do the same back. When it's your car leave your child to sit in the front with you. If your partner queries it just say, "your son doesnt move for me but you dont see me complaining!"

amiapropermum · 28/09/2019 08:01

My mother kicked off about me sitting in the front passenger seat when I was 38 and pregnant and sick .

Apparently it was "her place". So the next time I drove - i don't get car sick if I'm driving - and my father happily sat in the back and was pleased to get a break from driving. That was wrong, too. Seemingly it should be the two of them up front all the time.

Dhalandchips · 28/09/2019 08:02

I love sitting in the back. Makes me feel posh. Mainly because I'm always everyone's bloody chauffeur and it's a rare treat for me to be driven anywhere!

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