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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to sit at the back

240 replies

Channychanny · 27/09/2019 21:38

Me and the boyfriend live separately. Together for 4 years though. I have a child and so does he. Whenever we go my child gets in the back of the car (teenager). When he picked me up, his adult child stayed in the front seat. Should I be ok with this? I felt uncomfortable and disrespected.

OP posts:
LovePoppy · 27/09/2019 23:01

You’re over reacting

angieloumc · 27/09/2019 23:02

Manners and respect? How bizarre.
They were there first so they sit there. Whyever would you think that they ought to move?

Charmlight · 27/09/2019 23:02

WhimToo
‘’ Knobbing rules’’ 😂😂😂

Wallywobbles · 27/09/2019 23:03

The way I was brought up older people went in the front almost always. We expect the same of our kids. I get very car sick so I'm not really willing to compromise.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/09/2019 23:05

As a 50 year old married to another 50 year old, I moved to the back seat when my MIL got in the car.

Did she expect you to do that, though? Was she fit and well for her age or did she struggle with mobility in the way that a lot of people approaching/over 80 naturally do?

It might be ageist of me, but I would probably do the same for an elderly person, as they do often struggle more to get in the back; but if I were a young adult and it was a healthy middle-aged adult joining the journey later, I don't know if I'd automatically think to move.

Also, if the two parents have been divorced/separated for a long time and the adult child is very used to being alone in the car with his/her Dad, it may never actually cross their mind. Whether it should is a different question, of course.

Moreover, you'd think they'd be more mature about it at 22, but if they see you as competing with them for their Dad's affections and attention - and that you're 'replacing' them (they should realise at 22 that their parents want adult relationships as well as parent-child ones, I know), that might come into play too.

Celebelly · 27/09/2019 23:05

This is delightfully bonkers Grin

StCharlotte · 27/09/2019 23:05

Pretty sure there's no chapter on vehicular seating arrangements in Debretts.

I'm sorry OP but YABU.

BarbedBloom · 27/09/2019 23:07

I wouldn't have expected them to move. It is another adult. I met my mother's boyfriend as an adult so we both just treat each other as adults and I don't think someone older automatically deserves more respect. In my family it has always been dictated by circumstance, so if someone else is more comfortable in the front, or is taller etc then people choose seating accordingly.

SoupDragon · 27/09/2019 23:07

Surely normal people just get in whichever seat is free?

SoupDragon · 27/09/2019 23:08

Shows lack of respect for older people

I don't expect respect purely because of my age.

Charmlight · 27/09/2019 23:09

Fookinwot. It’s manners, not respect.
If we were all waiting to see if people were worthy of respect society would be chaos.....pushing onto bus seats, no queues in shops, snatching food off people without saying thank you.......
Manners are a mechanism to enable the smooth running of our lives to some degree, Imthink.

mrsm43s · 27/09/2019 23:09

Assuming all of adult stature, then first in stays in. Only exceptions are elderly or disabled who need the front seat.
Aside from this, in terms of "pecking order", I'd say child tru

Sweettalking · 27/09/2019 23:09

Clearly I'm not normal then, nor my MIL. Clearly freaks of nature, aliens from another planet, drug induced sociopaths?

mrsm43s · 27/09/2019 23:11

Whoops! Child trumps shagging partner every time;

anothernamejeeves · 27/09/2019 23:11

Wtf? But this is MN where people chooses partner with children and moan about their very existence as much as possible. Some step parents wouldn't be happy unless their partners children were in the boot

MaxiPaddy · 27/09/2019 23:13

Dude, it's her boyfriend and they don't live together. Not exactly 'the person the parent chooses to spend their life with'.

I have a spare grip if you need one.

taytosandwich · 27/09/2019 23:14

Well what age are you? I'd probably offer to move if you were like 70+ but all the 70+ people I know are great fun and would laugh their asses off at the suggestion!

MaxiPaddy · 27/09/2019 23:14

And that's what I get for not refreshing before posting. Hmm

BipBippadotta · 27/09/2019 23:14

I always thought that back seat was the prestige seat anyway - like having a chauffeur. Different strokes, eh.

BusyDoingNothingx · 27/09/2019 23:15

Nah it's all about shotgun. You didn't get there first, sorry OP.

Boom45 · 27/09/2019 23:16

Well manners and respect or whatever change pretty quickly. You wouldn't have to go that far back for it to have been the polite thing to do for you to have the back seat and your step son to take the front.
Also, as someone who has had exceptionally long legs since I was a young teen I've always had the front seat. My 71 year old MIL even sits in the back between the kids car seats when we all go out. But she's a whole foot shorter than me and my husband it's the only way we all fit in the car.

LovePoppy · 27/09/2019 23:17

It's not just about respect. It's also about kindness. I don't think there can ever be too much consideration in the world. In fact there seems a real lack of it.
Where is the kindness for the adult who wants to sit with his dad?

Toastymash · 27/09/2019 23:21

Tbf I would always move to the backseat if the person we're picking up is elderly. It's a mark of respect and it seems right to make sure that they are comfortable.

So I guess the day you start being offered that seat is the day you know you're officially an old codger 😁

BackforGood · 27/09/2019 23:24

I’m shocked at these responses too.

Well, it's lucky you asked then, as you've now found out that your thinking, is in the minority.

My ds is 23, and if we were going somewhere with dh driving, he tends to sit in the front as he takes up a darn sight more room than I do, which seems a much more logical way of thinking than anything to do with age. It is nothing to do with 'respect' it is to do with logistics.
I wouldn't expect anyone to get out of the front seat of a car to allow me to sit there, until I get to be about 92 and too inflexible to get into the back of a 2 door car. Just odd.

leli · 27/09/2019 23:24

I would expect a stepchild to move to the back for the partner. If the stepchild is very tall, if it were me, I might say, (after they had offered to move) that I'm fine in the back.

IMHO - YANBU. & I find the ferocity of the comments in the opposite direction bizarre. Is OP to hop in the back with the kids? Really?