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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be expected to sit at the back

240 replies

Channychanny · 27/09/2019 21:38

Me and the boyfriend live separately. Together for 4 years though. I have a child and so does he. Whenever we go my child gets in the back of the car (teenager). When he picked me up, his adult child stayed in the front seat. Should I be ok with this? I felt uncomfortable and disrespected.

OP posts:
Sparklesocks · 27/09/2019 22:39

Sorry is the DC a teen or 22? Or are you 22?

SarahAndQuack · 27/09/2019 22:40

Very weird.

Why would the adult child want to inconvenience you by making you move? Why do you think it's politer for them to do that? Surely if you get into a car you get into the available seat as quickly as you can?

IncrediblySadToo · 27/09/2019 22:41

I wouldn’t stay in the front if the drivers partner was getting in the car

At first I thought you were being a bit weird, but actually, the more I think about it, the more I agree with you. Thinking about various friends, family & god children varying between 8 & 30, I think all of the younger ones ( younger compared to the person getting in the car) would move & would move for the drivers partner irrespective of age.

How well do you get on with them?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/09/2019 22:41

It's not always so cut and dried, though. Some people who get horrendously travel sick find that sitting in the front keeps it at bay. Surely another adult who doesn't suffer in the same way would prefer to sit in the back if that's the one thing that will help to make it a barf-free journey?

Also, some teenagers and young adults can be very tall - the extra room in the front might mean the difference between comfort and feeling horribly cramped for them whereas a petit(e) adult would notice no difference with having less leg-room in the back.

These things notwithstanding, though, I'd say the general hierarchy is that children go in the back and let adults go in the front but, if there is more than one (non-driving) adult of any age in the car, I'd expect the first person to get in to sit in the front and then later joiners to go in the back. It would be weird, at the start of the journey, to have two adult family members in a car with one sitting in the back; it would be equally weird for an adult to move from their seat once another adult gets in, unless there's a particular reason for it.

buckeejit · 27/09/2019 22:41

Yabu

The other human has as much right to their space in the world as you. It's not actually cool to sit in the front, unless you're 6, so I crony see the issue. I can't imagine getting worked up about this

Charmlight · 27/09/2019 22:43

I would expect them to offer to get in the back as an adult child with manners, but I wouldn’t necessarily allow them to.
My own mother would not expect to sit in the front with my husband while I sat in the back.
In my world partners / spouses sit in the front, anyone else should expect to be in the back.
Manners / respect etc.
I’m quite shocked at how many people disagree!

Original poster
Channychanny · 27/09/2019 22:44

@IncrediblySadToo. The person lives quite a distance so don’t see them very often. We get on on a basic level.

I still think it’s rude.

OP posts:
Original poster
Channychanny · 27/09/2019 22:46

Thank you Charmlight. I’m shocked at these responses too. Very weird world we live in ay

OP posts:
Charmlight · 27/09/2019 22:47

It’s just old fashioned manners which I find sadly lacking on the roads today at times.

heyjoeyitsestelle · 27/09/2019 22:47

Quiet in the cheap seats

BritWifeinUSA · 27/09/2019 22:48

If you’re saying that the adult child has no respect/is disrespectful then that’s on your boyfriend. He raised him/her. So blame him if the offspring didn’t see the reason to move for you, if you feel that they should have moved. Have a word with your bloke about how badly he raised his kids if it’s such a tragedy for you.

By the way, posting on a public forum is going to get a lot of responses - many of which won’t agree with you. That doesn’t make them vicious. Don’t ask for opinions on a public forum if you struggle to accept opinions that don’t match yours.

WhimToo · 27/09/2019 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhimToo · 27/09/2019 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 27/09/2019 22:50

Also, is it the partner status in relation to the driver that makes the difference or just age?

Would you think it rude if a 40yo driver's 40yo spouse is in the front passenger seat and then one or two of their (fit and healthy) 70yo parents or friends later joins them - and the front passenger doesn't immediately move to the back?

Sweettalking · 27/09/2019 22:53

As a 50 year old married to another 50 year old, I moved to the back seat when my MIL got in the car.

Charmlight · 27/09/2019 22:56

Sweettalking I believe you were polite and correct to offer, but she should not have accepted - unless she has travel sickness 😁

MrsEricBana · 27/09/2019 22:57

Well I agree with you OP. When dd and I pick dh up from work occasionally I always ask dd to pop in the back when dh gets in. Dd is same size as me.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/09/2019 22:57

I think it’s terrible that the person didn’t at least offer. Shows lack of respect for older people
So if the DP is say 50and his child is 30 and his gf is 28, you gets the front seat?

WhimToo · 27/09/2019 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honeylulu · 27/09/2019 22:59

When you're driving and pick him up, have your teenager sit in the front and not move so he has to get in the back. See if anything is said...?

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2019 22:59

They are different though whenever you go out with the teenager presumably you get in the car together. Different scenario

Here they are there first. You have been together since they were an adult asking them to get out and for you to sit in the front isn’t respect its subservient because they would need to move for you

And yes to travel sickness depending on route DD sometimes sits in the front

But Person picked up last gets in the back seat simple. Chances are it wasn’t designed to make you feel uncomfortable or disrespected just they didn’t want to move

Fookinwot · 27/09/2019 22:59

The “respect” thing is bollocks. What it really means is “I am better than you so bow down to me.”
Respect is earned not demanded.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2019 22:59

Manners change over time. It's fine that they do unless you think women should still be treated as second class citizens communicating with their fans.

FWIW I always sit in the front with my mum. We matter and the menfolk can sit in silence together.

Quartz2208 · 27/09/2019 23:00

Theruleshouldsimpky be the person there first is in the front

WhimToo · 27/09/2019 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.