to secretly have accumulated just over £50K of savings over the last few years?

[LargeGnTPlease]

First time poster here, so please be gentle! so AIBU to secretly have accumulated just over £50K of savings over the last few years? No one knows, not my DH, no one!

Do t = don’t

It sounds as if his spendthrift ways have turned you into a miser, OP. I’m absolutely in favour of saving but you have no hobbies, shop around, save, save, save. Do you have any fun? Holidays? Stuff that basically enriches life more than cash?

Learn to invest and use some of this to enjoy your life a little more.

I would not forgive you if I was your husband.

Do you have a joint savings account or any family savings at all apart from the £50k?

@MatildaTheCat

She said they have holidays.

It's not a bad thing to save, it's a good thing.

My DH is still here. He's had a job which paid for his pub and control but really I've paid his rent, council tax, procreation, child care, food, fuel, cars, fun... from day 1.

Basically the guy is a waster.

I used to want him home. Now I can''t bear the breath of him.

There'a a pattern you'll know from beginning to end - don't ignore it.

Why do you need to 'come clean'? If you're not deprived, and your DH would just spend it on crap, I would keep it away from him - perhaps consider it part of your retirement funds.

What you should do though, is have a good think about how Ito could be invested for the future instead of sitting around not working for you.

You could get a share portfolio, add to both your pension pots, use it as a deposit for an investment flat, etc. It's a great sum of money that can help you get real financial stability.

Who gives a shit?

What is the point to this post other than to boast?

What a pointless thread. Also I'd be so upset and hurt if I was married to you

I am in two minds on this. If he spends so frivolously that you are unable to have a savings fund for if things go wrong - i.e. if, instead of compromising, he totally overrides your preferences with regard to money and just spends whatever's there regardless of your desire for a rainy day fund - then I think there's a fair amount of moral ground for you going ahead and saving as you please just as he would spend as he pleases. Not an ideal situation, communication and mutual decision making is the more adult way to deal with living with someone but at the same time saving is not as bad as spending as at least the money is still there to share out at some point.

However, it sounds like this has become a bit of a compulsion for you and that is worrying. Are you leaving any money for him to spend on crap? He presumably gets a fair bit of enjoyment out of doing that so just removing that from his life because you can would be a bit off. But balancing his spending on crap with your desire for a rainy day fund would not be so bad.

What have conversations about finances and saving been like when you've had them?

OP, I can’t criticize you for this at all.

As pp have posted, put that money to work, perhaps in some blue chip preferred shares or government bonds.

Good on you! You aren't trying to keep it all for yourself, so you haven't done anything wrong. Just tell him you won the lottery when the time is right.

I don't understand why people are reacting so badly, it's not like you've got yourself into 50k of debt!!! That would be a different story. You also aren't planning to use it for yourself and obviously haven't been depriving yourself either. I know we could a similar amount in the future (and probably will) every month once we stop paying childcare.
It might be good to put at least 10-20k in an ISA. but honestly I don't see anything wrong with it. Personally I don't think enough people are prepared for the future in this way.

Good on you! Now think of a way to invest it to benefit you and your dh so he would be delighted to find out about it.

I saved a similar amount over a few years on a normal salary and so did my husband,so over 100k between us. Pre kids, but we were paying extortionate London rents at the time. We just minimised expenditure - no car, no mobile contract, no TV contract, minimised clothes expenditure - wore same things for a few years, minimal hair dressing - occasional dry cuts only, minimal eating our - but still did occasionally, mainly free entertainment - tate, London parks, almost spending on holidays - lucky here as friends let us stay etc etc. We were on normal salaries - quite low at the start, and moderate by the end of the few years - it's possible to save that amount, we had to to get on the housing ladder here.

Well so long as you agree it's for the benefit of you both and not just you.

This. But from your posts I'm not convinced you do think it's family money - you mention using it as potential running away money etc. I'd feel entirely deceived if I were your husband. It needs to be in joint savings - you say he doesn't take an interest in finances so he still might not find out about it but it would be there if he looked - and you could put some into each of your pensions (not just yours) - he still wouldn't be able to spend it then but at least it wouldn't be being deceitful!

I think if the poster had said she’d found £50k her husband had saved because she couldnt be trusted to make spending decisions , there would be a chorus of LTB.

There are always different interpretations to ‘spend on crap’. It would be interesting to see the husband’s take. The OP said she had no hobbies like it was a good thing. I’d argue that spending some of that money on a hobby would have been a far more sensible thing to have done.

For those saying I had a bad lawyer because I ended up with no savings after my divorce I did write I got some equity in the house (and a massive mortgage). It was a settlement most mumsnetters would agree with actually , those who don't work. My husband got 59% of our joint assets ( i earned 10x more).

Many many mumsnetters who are lower earners will get 60% of joint assets. It is not always 50% by any means.

The only legal point I wanted to make on this thread as is the couple are married, not just living together, then in England on a divorce this secret money is up for grabs. In today's paper a pouse is about to be jailed because they have refused to cough up money ordered in court. I suppose if you really keep it totally secret like allegedly Scott Young did then the husband on this thread would never get his hands on it if they split up but that would require the wife to lie about assets and if the husband trawled through bank statements as to what money came in - he wuold have access to any bonus statements from her employer, P60s, pay slips on the divorce it may well be possible to work it out. I am not saying it never possble to hide money particularly if it is kept in cash but it is not often that easy - eg the husband may get hold of her computer and keep a record of this thread.

I’d argue that spending some of that money on a hobby would have been a far more sensible thing to have done.

Eh...? So it would have been fine for her to spend it but not save it? It is her money either way.

I think yanbu at all op. Ultimately you have a fairly serious issue in your relationship though that you and DH have different attitudes to money which is what has lead to this rather than 'deception'

And in terms of the reverse a bloke with a wife who spends ££££££ secretly squirrelling some away (assuming the family aren't left in poverty) is also fine. Some people like security, maybe ensuring that can be seen as a 'hobby'. You don't have to spend to your income level, lots and lots of people don't and instead keep money for retirement etc.

How can someone manage to put away a whole salary some months? Unless their husband pays for everything?
So it's not a case matched betting, mlm etc. It's a case of living of a husband. This makes this secret saving even worse in my eyes.
That wouldn't make me proud...

Teateaandmoretea No it was just the tone that made me think it was a bit sad. Some of that £50k could have enhanced both of their lives including allowing the OP to have had a hobby. We only get one life and while it will always be sensible to have savings, they should have been decided jointly. If they have been accumulated on the basis of what the OP has deemed acceptable spending which is lower than the husband’s idea, why is she right and he wrong? We’ll never know where the balance lies between her husband being a spender and the OP being tight. However, I’d argue it’s good for most people to have some form of hobby or interest so that is making me think perhaps the husband’s spend-rift ways are not actually that bad and it is the OP being controlling instead.

Well quite user but we don't know that the husbands balance is right too. As you say life is for living and for a lot of people to do that they want security and to know they aren't going to have to work until they drop dead. That to me is sad not saving for a decent future.

The issue is that they are incompatible with attitudes to money but there is no right and wrong here. If the OP has saved 200 a month for 20 years this is where it has ended up and it would initially have been a small amount of money for emergencies that she needed for her own sanity, it's grown and suddenly seems like a big secret. I'd tell him personally but be clear it isn't being spent. It's hardly like announcing she has loads of secret debt.

WTF?

WTF?

The amount of people on this thread who think what the the OP is doing is OK is shocking.

Imagine the responses if it was a man who had squirrelled away £50,000 behind his wife's back? Depriving her of the money for 9 or 10 years.

And to the people saying those who say the OP is stealing from her husband, (and it's all so wrong,) are jealous .. get a fucking grip. Many people on here (including me) have as much, if not more income and assets than the OP, we just don't poach multiple 10s of 1000s of pounds from our FAMILY money and stash it away.

If this tale IS true, then it is disgusting that she has kept this amount of money from her husband.

You posters clapping and cheering 'bravo' to the OP for secretly siphoning off FIFTY THOUSAND POUNDS from her family money, and accusing everyone else of being jealous of her, must be in some really poor, unstable, miserable fucking marriages. You HAVE to be if you think it's a good thing that she's done this, and that she has a 'running away fund' as you so delightfully call it!!! I actually pity you all to be honest...It can't be easy for you.

And it seems that the OP wouldn't even have been ABLE to poach all this money from under her husband's nose if she wasn't married to him, seeing as how she was able to sneakily put her entire salary away some months. (she said this at 23.01 yesterday.)

If this story IS true, it's disgusting. As I (and many other posters have said) imagine if the genders were reversed and it was a man who was secretly stashing multiple 10s of 1000s away from his wife?!

And spare me the 'you sound angry' and 'you must be jealous' bollocks. Say either of those and I will just laugh at your daft remarks.

I am neither one, but I am shocked that ANYBODY thinks what the OP is doing is OK in any way, shape, or form. You can dress it up as 'it's her money too,' and 'she is entitled' blah blah blah... but it's STEALING. You are STEALING family money from your husband. If I discovered my husband was doing this, it would be game over.

And how the hell is having no sky tv a second mortgage? Daft comment!

Also I am still interested to know @LargeGnTPlease why you joined mumsnet PURELY to tell us this 'oh-so-fascinating' little story?