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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to secretly have accumulated just over £50K of savings over the last few years?

307 replies

LargeGnTPlease · 27/09/2019 19:03

First time poster here, so please be gentle! so AIBU to secretly have accumulated just over £50K of savings over the last few years? No one knows, not my DH, no one!

OP posts:
justasking111 · 27/09/2019 23:02

@AnneKipanki funnily enough he did not tell me. When I had a clear out of the bulging filing cabinet I found the receipt. Some time later I dropped into the conversation accidentally the amount, he looked a bit shocked, but really I do not care, it is his passion handed down from his father, grandfather we both enjoy boating even if we didn`t it is his choice what he does with his money. I get to see every penny of his when I do the tax returns so know he is not in debt.

The children tell us to live a little and spend it on enjoying ourselves but we have been poor so ingrained habit I suppose.

The OP is wise to put some money away, anything can befall a family so to have a cushion is sensible whoever is putting it aside.

Mytupenceworth · 27/09/2019 23:03

I'm a sham who manages the household income, what I mean by that is I pay the bills shop around for three best deals grocery shopping etc. When or if I have money left at the end of the week I also save it. Only difference is I use it for family holidays home improvement etc my husband knows I do this I've never kept it from him.
Great that you can do this but your essentially stealing family money.

Original poster
LargeGnTPlease · 27/09/2019 23:06

Also no sky TV which is nearly like a second mortgage Shock

OP posts:
Dowser · 27/09/2019 23:10

We don’t live extravagantly but we live well. I too look for the bargains with utilities etc
I have a decent savings pot
To simplify my life I went to the building societies the other day to condense savings books in each one down to one account
I was shocked at the poor amount of interest they were earning 0.45 per cent now getting
1.16per cent
Their must be a better way to grow your savings without risk
I don’t want to buy a business at my time of life...I own my own home and have a mortgage free rental property

I’m intrigued to what everyone else would do with their savings
I don’t need to buy any more stuff. I have a decent car, cost under £10k but I love it
A static caravan, some nice jewellery, three holidays abroad and one or two in uk
I’m generous with my Family
But the interest rate is pathetic

I don’t fancy a buy to let .
Wwyd

thesunwillout · 27/09/2019 23:12

If you've got it hidden away in cash, old £20 notes, beware they will not be legal in a couple yrs with the new £20 note replacing them.
I'd think about paying cash into a bank.
Same for any old £10 you may have.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 27/09/2019 23:13

Saving is great, I'm a total cheapskate and save half my salary every month (and can't stand people on 30k who say it's "impossible to rent and save", while I saved £300 a month while earning £1700 and paying £1100 for rent, bills and commute!).

The issue is the lying. Why couldn't you have told your husband about the money? If you're so convinced he would instantly go out and spend it, surely that's something you can work on with him. My husband was like this and I told him to try cutting out Starbucks, lunches out, takeaways and buying rounds of drinks. To not pay unneccessary insurance and make sure to get refunds rather than leaving something unwanted sat around the flat. Suddenly he started saving hundreds of pounds a month. You've essentially given up on your husband, assumed he's too stupid to realise the benefits of saving and kept a massive secret from him.

Userzzzzz · 27/09/2019 23:13

I’m sorry but you’ve been very unfair and that is a massive lie you’ve now got to keep. I am a saver at heart but your way isn’t morally superior to your husband’s- why do you get to decide how the £50k is used and not him. Sometimes spending to enjoy life is a good thing. I hope you’ve at least invested it sensibly and don’t have it languishing in a crappy account paying you peanuts. That sum could have made a massive difference to your pensions (with the added tax relief and investment time) as an example.

I can sort of see how you might have started saving but surely there was a point where you started to realise it was a massive pot?

justasking111 · 27/09/2019 23:14

@Dowser Isas??

TheOrigBrave · 27/09/2019 23:19

but others I could put away all my salary.

Ha ha. So you and your DH can live off his salary alone then.
It's really not that astonishing to have so much in savings then - but yeah I think YABU not to have shared such info with your DH. Why haven't you?

Dowser · 27/09/2019 23:19

I think you’ve done amazing op
I hope you manage to enjoy life
We make sure we do
We like the cinema, listening to music in the pubs, I don’t drink, dh maybe has a glass or two of wine. Aren’t gamblers so casinos are out, horse or dog racing
We enjoy our weekly trips to he caravan, the countryside or he beach.
It’s lovely having financial freedom.

drspouse · 27/09/2019 23:21

I have £3000 in my Chip account; DH knows I have it and can see what I'm putting in from the joint account if he cares to look.

Dowser · 27/09/2019 23:25

But op..hasn’t been spending it..she’s been saving it
Have you got a special anniversary coming up, where you can share the good news

Make a bit of an occasion of it
It could make all the difference to you retiring early and enjoying more time together

Providing I hadn’t gone without, denied a holiday or much needed improvements in the house I would be pleased
Especially if it was to be shared

Hopoindown31 · 27/09/2019 23:27

In my situation to save that much secretly would mean that the rest of my family would be seriously doing without. I would have no doubt that doing that would cause major issues with my partner and vice versa. Of course for me to do that without getting noticed would be virtually impossible.

£50k is far more than needed for a "run away fund" why are you saving so much and hiding it from your husband?

Dowser · 27/09/2019 23:31

If it really hasn’t been needed and no one has been deprived then I can’t see the problem
As long as it’s to be shared because obviously op has lived off Dhs money

billy1966 · 27/09/2019 23:40

OP, it reads as if you are doing this to protect your family from your spend thrift husband.

I can't imagine how annoying it would be to be with someone who didn't place any value on money and it's accumulation.

Money, when you have children is a huge safety net.

I think you are right.

I wouldn't be mentioning it any time soon.
Some day it will be of use.

I have no doubt it is a source of comfort to you.

You are to be commended OP💐

Krisskrosskiss · 27/09/2019 23:40

You should really tel him...Its immoral not to especially if some of it is money you've made from things like selling his boat which he did up.... I'd not be pleased if my DH had hidden money from me... I dont bother about change but 50 grand is a large amount of money for a spouse not to know about. It's not really fair at that level because the money belongs to both of you. You should both have an input in what is happening to it... and he doesnt even know it exists! Hes not your child hes your partner. He may have different ideas abou what to do with money as is his right as an adult human being... but you've decided for him what to do with it... I dont think that's right tbh I think its controlling

Krisskrosskiss · 27/09/2019 23:42

I mean if he wants to spend money and you want to save it then you discuss it like adults and reach a compromise... you dont lie and make that decision on your own for him, as though he were a child. It's so deeply disrespectful. I'd be furious.

SarfE4sticated · 27/09/2019 23:44

Actually OP, I don't think it's a bad thing to have done, you have put excess cash into a savings account (not a real "pot"?) for a rainy day. Like an insurance policy, sounds sensible to me. If your DH lost his job or you hit hard times I assume you would use that money to tide you over. I'm going to trust that you aren't telling him because he'd just waste it, and say YANBU.

Krisskrosskiss · 27/09/2019 23:50

But why does op have the right to judge alone what is 'wasteful' or 'crap'? Unless his spending is a real issue in terms of being a hoarder or gambler or some kind of addiction... does a grown adult man not have the right to spend money on whatever he wants? I mean who gets to decide? Surely in a partnership both partners have to decide together... one cant just seem everything the other wants to spend money on as crap and then hide money from them....
I'd feel so humiliated and belittled if my husband came to me and said hed saved up 50 grand behind my back... that's a large amount of money. That's house deposit territory levels of money. Both partners in a marriage should know what is happening to large sums of money.

shiningstar2 · 27/09/2019 23:52

If your ability to save is because you are using family funds there is a way to keep being careful while not having your husband fritter what you have so carefully accumulated. You could open an ISA account for each of you. That way, when you want to be able to spend rather than save, maybe in retirement or for a special holiday, you can produce the ISAs. Your husband would then have total parity with you when it comes to decisions about spending it.

I think I would be unhappy to suddenly discover that you had that amount from family funds squirrelled away and that I had no autonomy over any of it. However if the money was in two separate ISAs you would be able to show that although you have prevented your husband 'frittering' money away on a regular basis, you also had his interests at heart when decisions are eventually made about spending it. You still retain a degree of control over all of it because you can decide when you come clean but what some see as your 'sneaky' ways would ultimately benefit both of you and you couldn't be accused of 'stealing' family funds.

rededucator · 27/09/2019 23:55

You mention him buying and doing up a boat and you saving the sale money. So what you actually mean is that you have saved your joint income money and he isn't aware of it?

shiningstar2 · 27/09/2019 23:56

Posted too soon. I think anyone would be very pleased to find that you had in fact saved £25000 in his name from the mutual family pot which can eventually be spent on mutually agreed choices or individually.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 27/09/2019 23:58

I'm a saver too, but the reason this is so awful is because you've taken away his right to choose where his money goes. So it might be on a holiday- so what? His choice. A sports car? So what. His choice. You've decided that your opinion on money means more than his. It's really cruel and would cause massive trust issues. And if I'm being totally honest, I'd rather be married to a spendthrift than with someone who keeps massive secrets from me.

ilovesooty · 27/09/2019 23:59

So you had bonuses you didn't tell him about? I've seen plenty of posts here insisting that a bonus is family money.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 28/09/2019 00:02

Well you need savings and if he will burn through anything he knows about then I do t see how you can secure yourselves without hiding it from him. I would put it in an isa though or top up your pension. Even 2% on £50k is £1k!