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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to secretly have accumulated just over £50K of savings over the last few years?

307 replies

LargeGnTPlease · 27/09/2019 19:03

First time poster here, so please be gentle! so AIBU to secretly have accumulated just over £50K of savings over the last few years? No one knows, not my DH, no one!

OP posts:
Teateaandmoretea · 28/09/2019 08:02

Imagine the responses if it was a man who had squirrelled away £50,000 behind his wife's back? Depriving her of the money for 9 or 10 years.

What utter tosh. No one is depriving anyone of anything, the OP just has money saved up.

Teateaandmoretea · 28/09/2019 08:09

I also say imagine responses to the reverse of:

Aibu?

I have never saved any money at all and like to spend all that I have. I have just found out that instead of spending all of his 'hobby' money DH has saved his for the future without telling me. This means we have an extra 50k I didn't know about that I could have spent. DH prefers to have some security but I'm really cross that he didn't explain to me what he was doing with his own money.

I reckon she'd have her arse handed to her on a plate.

DoubleTweenQueen · 28/09/2019 08:13

Wow! That's a significant sum! Do you have a pension though? I had the option to pay any bonuses straight into pension which was a tax efficient way of using it if I didn't need it - then pension boosted for the future. Not a big amount but it all helps. Never had anything as a kid and my DM taught us to save. It's a great habit to get into if you can.

Wheelson · 28/09/2019 08:15

If you were able to put away all your salary some months then your DH must have been funding everything? Did he not query why none of your salary was going into your joint account?

DoubleTweenQueen · 28/09/2019 08:16

So much judging on here! No wonder have given this place a wide berth for a couple years. Miserable buggers!

NoSauce · 28/09/2019 08:21
Hmm
Heyboyo · 28/09/2019 08:21

If a man came on here and said he had a 50 grand running away fund just in case, he’d be slaughtered. Why the difference because it’s a woman?

Teateaandmoretea · 28/09/2019 08:31

I really don't think it's a male/female thing at all and it's tiresome to have this continually trotted out. What it is dependent on is scenario

  1. If someone male and female was secretly squirrelling money away while their family live on baked beans and never go on holiday this is clearly wrong.
  1. If someone male or female is choosing to save their personal spends in a family where there is plenty of money for the essentials and they are leading a good life then they can decide what to do with it.

The need to lie about it is an issue, not least because different attitudes to money in a relationship is a recipe for disaster. But assuming scenario 2 it's her money and the lie is just because H wouldn't let it rest until he spent it on a new car or something. In scenario 1 it is depriving the family/ partner and financially abusive.

Lowlandlucky · 28/09/2019 08:34

Good for you OP everyone should have an escape fund. I have one for my Daughter that i hope she never has to use

doublebarrellednurse · 28/09/2019 08:35

I think what sits so uncomfortably for me with this is the total lack of partnership.

It's the other way around in our house, I defo spend more and value things more and experience where as my ASD husband would happily do little. He enjoys things when we get them and enjoys events when we attend them but wouldn't think of getting/arranging them.

He's more careful with money than me but we make all decisions about money together. Sit and set a budget monthly, talk about large purchases and plan savings. I never wanted to but has come to learn that this is part of being a couple and partnership. He's not my keeper and I'm jointly responsible.

I see a lot of people on here treat their partners like children because the partner "isn't interested" etc. Honestly it would piss me off. You're not their mother, why are you raising them?

OhioOhioOhio · 28/09/2019 08:43

Sounds excellent. What are your best money savvy tips?

Teateaandmoretea · 28/09/2019 08:47

I think what sits so uncomfortably for me with this is the total lack of partnership.

^^I don't think anyone would disagree with this. But for me it goes both ways and he should be supportive of her having savings if they can afford to and it's what she wants.

seven201 · 28/09/2019 08:48

What do you do when doing things like planning a budget for a family holiday? Do you lie and say we can only spend 1k tops? I think you either need to come clean or start siphoning most of the money back in to your joint accounts.

I'd be furious if I actually had £25k worth of money I'd worked for and thought had just been spent on family life.

IAmALazyArse · 28/09/2019 08:58

What are your best money savvy tips?

Have husband pay the bills😂

Starlight456 · 28/09/2019 09:01

So 10 pages in ... still no idea of the point.

MuchBetterNow · 28/09/2019 09:05

DHs grandad was a skinflint and made out he was brassic, kept DHs nana deprived of any fun at all and DHs parents paid their mortgage.

The old git died and they found £11k in notes under his bed (a significant sum in 1989). Some of the notes were out of date but the bank honoured most of them.

I don't think what op is doing is much different.

It seems pointless to me having a wad of cash stashed away when your life sounds pretty boring and miserable. Money doesn't serve any purpose unless it's either invested in something or spent on an item or experience that you need to live or brings you happiness.

C8H10N4O2 · 28/09/2019 09:06

I don't think anyone would disagree with this. But for me it goes both ways and he should be supportive of her having savings if they can afford to and it's what she wants

Yes the OP hasn't deprived the family of a decent standard of living, has four DC to think about and a spendthrift partner whose income is inconsistent.

Its entirely sensible to build up a fund for future needs when he may be out of work or the DC need help.

I've known enough spendy partners (of both sexes) to have some sympathy with saving partners trying to build a safety net for the future. It depends on how bad it is - if he uses access to the money to go out and spend large sums without discussion then the safety pot will soon be gone.

OP if the fund was labelled as for the DC future needs or retirement would he still hassle to spend it?

LagunaBubbles · 28/09/2019 09:06

I wouldnt forgive my DH if this was him. But thankfully we have a good enough relationship we can deal with finances as 2 adults in an equal relationship. No issue with saving but doing it in this way is so underhand and doesn't really give a good impression of your marriage. I know what I would rather have.

madcatladyforever · 28/09/2019 09:08

Pish. My husband of 20 years who I loyally supported through thick and thin with me being the main wage earner all those years and put up with his endless selfish crap deserted me the minute I got sick because he didn't want to be bothered with an ill wife. In fact he pissed off while I was in hospital.
This was the man I thought was the love of my life.
From what I read on mumsnet everyday no man can be trusted and every woman should have a secret escape fund /insurance policy.
If nothing else if anything happened to your kids and you urgently needed the money then there it is.

Namey32 · 28/09/2019 09:15

I'm with you op - as long as you haven't been accruing it while the family struggles.

DH and I have completed different financial attitudes. I handle the finances because DH just doesn't care. Anything we have left gets saved in joint savings. We're comfortable as we don't live affluent lifestyles.
However we both also get x amount of personal spends. No idea what DH does with his. I use mine for a combination of paying extra off the mortgage and saving into my ISA. DH doesnt know about it, but he's never asked where my 'spends' go. I'd never keep it a secret if our family struggled and it was needed for family finances. However DH is a spender so I feel more comfortable knowing there is a pot of money available should we need it.
Do I feel bad it's been accumulated in 'secret'? Hell no. I don't spend on junk, cigarettes etc and I also overpay our mortgage with my spending money.

boptist · 28/09/2019 09:21

I'm still not clear if the money is held in cash or an account and what type of account.

Secondly, what is the OP planning on doing with the money.

Poor husband, think of things he might have wanted to do with £25k over the last few years if he'd known he'd had it.

rosedream · 28/09/2019 09:27

I feel you are not keeping it from your H but keeping it there in case you (as in family) need it. There is a subtle difference. What you could do is split it 4 ways. Put 3 lots into trust in each of your children's names to go towards a mortgage and then the remaining money keep in a might need it pot. Keep doing that.
Well that's what I would do. I wish I was as savvy with money as you.
People are judging on their own circumstances. That money would have been squandered on nothing if you hadn't put it to one side.

SarfE4sticated · 28/09/2019 09:28

It sounds like you don't trust your DH with money op and the story of the boat shows why. As you get old, the prospect of being financially vulnerable gets even scarier, especially when you feel like you might get less employable the older you get. I see why feel bad about it, it's not nice feeling like you live a lie, so do as others have said and put the money in some ISAs. That way you can say airily that you have put money away for a rainy day if asked, but it's so tied up that you can't actually get to it.

AlphaNumericalSequence · 28/09/2019 09:30

I do think you need to tell him about it. If he can't be trusted to be sensible with the money, then perhaps you should make a plan to invest it in some manner that prevents instant access -- maybe add it to a pension fund?
It seems too much of a breach of trust to keep it secret, though I can understand why you have done it.

userxx · 28/09/2019 09:33

@boptist Probably cars/boats/ other such shite.

I know someone who wastes money like the op's husband, it's a shame his wife didn't squirrel some away. I can see them losing the house soon. He also bought a boat for some bizarre reason - we don't live near the sea.

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