Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to secretly have accumulated just over £50K of savings over the last few years?

307 replies

LargeGnTPlease · 27/09/2019 19:03

First time poster here, so please be gentle! so AIBU to secretly have accumulated just over £50K of savings over the last few years? No one knows, not my DH, no one!

OP posts:
justasking111 · 28/09/2019 12:36

On the other hand.

I found out my husband was feckless with money had got us into debt, so started saving secretly after I had helped to clear his debts.

My friend had to do this she even organised his bankruptcy mess.

flossletsfloss · 28/09/2019 12:48

I think secrets like this could destroy a marriage. I think you know that, otherwise you wouldn't be posting on here. Appreciate he's shit with money but it is still half his money. If a man did this to a woman there would be outrage. Come clean.

justasking111 · 28/09/2019 13:00

I know a couple granny died and left the wife 250k for her mother to dish out as and when. wife took 25k. This was to better the family home improvements and pay for their first ever holiday. Husband blew it in a month or two, fancy watch, diamond ear stud, gifts to another woman. He then left her for said OW but came back within a month and she took him back. Now her mother dishes it out by paying for things herself to help out the family.

You could say granny and mum were being devious of course. Or that they both knew my friend had married a feckless louse.

HouseworkAvoider10 · 28/09/2019 13:07

Did you marry my ex?
Sounds like it.

He was the same, he couldn't spend money fast enough, in fact he seemed to part of some weird competition to see how quickly he could make himself broke after pay day.
I left him because I couldn't take any more of that cunty shit.

I don't blame you.
Don't let him pull you down with him.

Tilltheendoftheline · 28/09/2019 13:26

Nah. If dp was sat on 50k that he had tackled out of our money. Had bonuses he didnt me about and was able to save the equivalent of 'his wage' and had it all in his name, he could fuck right off.

Tilltheendoftheline · 28/09/2019 13:28

You could say granny and mum were being devious of course. Or that they both knew my friend had married a feckless louse.

You could also say it was hee choice to take back a wank bastard who she was married to and had financial ties to.

The whole situation could have been resolved by her, divorcing him, rather than coming up with ways of not letting him near the money

GreenTulips · 28/09/2019 17:51

He didn’t appear to consult OP when buying a boat
What’s the difference

boptist · 28/09/2019 19:20

We don't know, but he didn't keep it a secret from her.

Teateaandmoretea · 29/09/2019 07:12

This is not about 'spenders versus savers' it's about concealing large amounts of money from your spouse and not treating them like an adult who gets to have some say in what happens to the finances. Its massively controlling behaviour.

It is also massively controlling behaviour to insist that all family money is spent and to refuse to save for the future.

Tilltheendoftheline · 29/09/2019 07:29

If you are in a relationship where your spending habits are so different to the point you siphon money from the joint accounts, end the relationship.

Dont bovine controlling yourself.

This would definitely be called controlling and abusive if a female poster said she found out hee husband had siphoned off 50k from the joint account because she would spend the money on crap she doesnt need.

Missingsandraohingreys · 29/09/2019 08:28

Sometimes people want to share a secret
Literally that’s all this thread is

Who cares ? Confused

Teateaandmoretea · 29/09/2019 08:49

I completely agree that having a relationship with someone whose attitude to money is different is a recipe for disaster.

However to suggest that saving money is abuse is truly daft unless there is not enough money for essentials.

Waiting4Sprogo · 29/09/2019 10:22

OP, you have saved this up over 9 years. Well done. Until I had my DS (I’m currently on Mat leave) I was saving 6k a year. I live comfortably, I’m just not a big spender on myself and I’m always on the look out for a bargain. I think it’s really admirable to consistently save. When I started saving, I was 9k in debt, single and renting. 8 years on, I paid off all my debt, paid for the majority of my wedding, saved up for the deposit on my house and now have the security of knowing that I don’t need to worry about mortgage payments whilst on mat leave because it’s already banked. I suppose the difference is that my DH knows about my savings acc and what’s in it. He’s never pushed me to spend it though and I’d always say no if he ever attempted to sway me in spending the money unwisely. Why don’t you just have the conversation with your husband and explain that you’ve been putting money aside for 9 years and it’s now grown to a very healthy amount. Tell him that you don’t have any intention of splurging the money but that it’s exciting and reassuring to know that the security is there for you both. I would be surprised if he got angry when on the grand scheme of things, it’s a few thousand a year over several years. If it was 50k in one year, or you’d been in financial difficulties, the children had gone without and you’d nearly broken up due to money stresses and you’d kept schtum, I imagine he’d have a lot of questions but that isn’t your situation. Be proud of yourself; saving is hard. I would recommend letting your dh know about it though, secrets in any relationship can lead to all sorts of hurt and nastiness later on.

Tilltheendoftheline · 29/09/2019 10:30

However to suggest that saving money isabuseis truly daft unless there is not enough money for essentials.

Siphoning money from a joint account and hiding it, is abusive. Or rather would be if the pps husband had done it.

Hederex · 29/09/2019 10:46

I am really put off by the idea of you siphoning off from a joint account into an account in your own name, when you aren't trying to, say, leave an abusive relationship.

If your partner is so bad with money, surely the better option would just to have been upfront from the start and had separate finances. Then you could have saved as much as you wanted.

If my DH did this to me, I wouldn't think 'ooh, lovely responsible DH protecting out

Hederex · 29/09/2019 10:48

Sorry sent too soon.
I wouldn't think he was protecting our future, I'd think he was controlling, had no respect for me, was deceitful and possibly a thief.

C8H10N4O2 · 29/09/2019 11:31

We don't know, but he didn't keep it a secret from her

She didn't know about it until he had bought it - what's the difference?

If my DH did this to me, I wouldn't think 'ooh, lovely responsible DH protecting out

But the point is its not your husband who is going out buying boats without discussion or thought for the future is it?

Forget the parents think of the children. Women are routinely told they need to protect their children when a relationship is dysfunctional in anyway. How do you protect your children's future from a spendthrift over than by saving for the future somewhere that the spendthrift won't see it?

Its fine if you have a partner who will sign up to saving in a protected account but if you don't then you either save in secret or your DC will be fending for themselves.

IAmALazyArse · 29/09/2019 11:41

Lots of people buy old boats or classic cars and refurb them for sale. My dad did a car.
It's a hobby, with the added bonus of adding value to the thing and unless they lost money on the sale, no issue with it.

sweetiepy · 29/09/2019 14:26

Struggling to understand some of the responses to the op. She is to be applauded for saving this money, not vilified! Why shouldn’t she save for the future? If it has to be without her dh’s knowledge, because he would spend it, so be it.

I have always had a secret fund, which has been needed on more than one occasion! Would it have been better if I had just allowed dh to spend everything on unnecessary purchases, then have nothing left for an emergency?

I suppose, going by some of the responses, it would be preferable that dcs and myself were left homeless, rather than ensure there is an emergency fund!! As long as dh had been able to spend the money on whatever he had wanted that’s all that matters to some pps!!

Xenia · 30/09/2019 15:38

The courts have said that during marriage altjough there is a financial duty to keep your spouse, you do not have to tell the spouse everything (Imerman case). If you choose to keep stuff secret about money that's fine. If you choose not to that's fine too. If you ahve agree to keep it secret they said it woudl be illlegal to hack into an email etc to find out. If you have agreed to be open then that's fine too and not wrong to look. Eg in our marriage we had only joint bank accounts, I did both our tax returns, we opened each other's post and knew 100% what the finances of the others were so even on divorce did not need disclosure of finances as we knew it all and were both interested in it and on top of it and both careful with money. Other couples are totally different. Neither is right or wrong although I because mmy parents were the same and I am the same tend to feel it's more natural to be open (but then I've never been married to a spender and nor were my parents or theirs).

LizzyDarcy1 · 01/10/2019 08:48

There is a difference between not telling your spouse everything (fine) and not telling your spouse that you have hidden away a lot of family money which is also rightfully theirs (not fine).

Teateaandmoretea · 11/10/2019 08:01

Siphoning money from a joint account and hiding it, is abusive. Or rather would be if the pps husband had done it.

Where did siphoning from the joint account come from? And for the 20th time the male/ female thing matters not a jot as long as they have equal access to money.

Teateaandmoretea · 11/10/2019 08:04

There is a difference between not telling your spouse everything (fine) and not telling your spouse that you have hidden away a lot of family money which is also rightfully theirs (not fine).

So in a marriage everything that is mine and in my name is also rightfully my husbands? Hmm

In the case we've had equal money he has spent his and I've saved mine it is rightfully mine as far as I can see. It is in my name and outside of a divorce he has no claim on it.

Teacakeandalatte · 11/10/2019 08:19

I do think its OK for a woman to have a small running away fund, we hear so many stories of people who seem lovely at first becoming abusive over the years, but if the marriage is so bad that you seriously feel you might need it you should be actually running away now. Saving up a large amount of money when you are supposed to have joint finances is wrong, if its turned out one partner is bad with money you should have an honest conversation and separate your finances. If you can't be honest and reasonable about this you should split up. The only time I would think it ok to save this much secretly is if your dh is abusive and you are finding it hard to get away safely so are planning your exit.

WWlOOlWW · 11/10/2019 08:43

I did that same thing with pretty much the same amount.

However, I wasnt married and we didn't have joint accounts. We paid the bills equally and what ever was left over was our individual to spend on what me wanted. I mostly saved mine.

He later ran off with OW.

Glad I'd saved.

Swipe left for the next trending thread